Why? I Want To Know Why??

[Phateless]

I don't get told I'm too MUSCULAR very often. Just thought I should clarify, lol...

[annieo]

So here's another thing that is bothering my mind. Say you're seeing someone, is it ok for you to flirt with another person?

 

The way i see it, there is purposeless flirting, which is never meant to go anywhere, is relatively mild, short duration, just checking to see if you've still got it, and then there is flirting that is aimed at getting someone (eventually) into bed. I wouldn't even call it flirting, really, it's more like pursuing a possibility. Making slightly longer than necessary eye contact ans smiling would be, in my mind, harmless. Physical contact (back rubbing, for instance) is not. And what Phateless and Oppath are doing would piss me off no end if they were my so (I'm assuming you two are both single?)

And I totally get how you're feeling about cheating and how it seems to be almost an expected speed bump in a relationship. But remember, LS is kind of like an on-line confessional, so you are going to hear the worst of the worst.

[Phateless]

Yeah, I'm single. When I'm with a girl I commit to her, but I see no harm in a little friendly flirting every now and then. If a girl were to ask me for my number or try to get physical I would remind her that I have a gf (I usually mention it right away) and hope she gets the hint.

[Cobra_X30]

So here's another thing that is bothering my mind. Say you're seeing someone, is it ok for you to flirt with another person?

 

I thought that was the perfect time to ask if he was seeing anyone. He fidgeted and answered yes. Fine by me as I wasn't interested in him in a romantic way.

 

Thing is, during the back and forth text messaging and also phone call, he flirted with me to no end!! Why did he do that?

 

So what's the deal with some guys and girls that flirt to no end even when they are seeing someone? When is it ok to go overboard with the flirting and when do you tell someone to lay off?

 

You felt uncomfortable. That should tell you something.

 

Flirting with others when your in relationship is not ok. Consider... what is the purpose of flirting??

 

BTW... what's with hatin on guys who have muscle?

[annieo]

Yeah, I'm single. When I'm with a girl I commit to her, but I see no harm in a little friendly flirting every now and then. If a girl were to ask me for my number or try to get physical I would remind her that I have a gf (I usually mention it right away) and hope she gets the hint.

 

Good for you. Very attractive behavior. And I agree, friendly flirting is not only ok, I think it's healthy, shows you are still sexually alive, aware.

[annieo]

 

BTW... what's with hatin on guys who have muscle?

 

Don't worry, Cobra, all male muscles are all good!

[Cobra_X30]

Don't worry, Cobra, all male muscles are all good!

 

When you say 'all' are you thinking of one in particular?

 

Good for you. Very attractive behavior. And I agree, friendly flirting is not only ok, I think it's healthy, shows you are still sexually alive, aware.

 

I tend to disagree! It's disrespectful and shows a lack of self esteem.

 

Consider... who are you showing that 'sexual aliveness' too? For what purpose?

[Trialbyfire]

So here's another thing that is bothering my mind. Say you're seeing someone, is it ok for you to flirt with another person?

 

I got together with an old friend last night. We bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago, talked for a bit and exchanged our digits. Later that evening, he texted me and we were texting back and forth till he called me about 2 hours later (took him that long!).

 

So last night, we were talking about our mutual friends; who's dating who, who's doing what etc. I thought that was the perfect time to ask if he was seeing anyone. He fidgeted and answered yes. Fine by me as I wasn't interested in him in a romantic way.

 

Thing is, during the back and forth text messaging and also phone call, he flirted with me to no end!! Why did he do that? After we left last night (walked me to my car), we hugged but he held onto me and rubbed my back..... that made me feel uncomfortable even though I suppose friends are allowed to do that (I wouldn't if you're taken).

 

So what's the deal with some guys and girls that flirt to no end even when they are seeing someone? When is it ok to go overboard with the flirting and when do you tell someone to lay off?

I think your friend has gone too far in his flirting. He's obviously attracted to you and has exceeded the confines of good taste, in that his flirting is with intent, particularly the touching.

 

Give this guy some distance or shut him down so he understands you're not interested.

[annieo]

When you say 'all' are you thinking of one in particular?

No, I was talking generally - but my h just read this and is fairly pissed off. Funny how it's ok for him to appreciate the charms of the opposite sex (to the point of paying for repeated table dances!!!), but dare I voice the same appreciation...Jeeez!!!

[oppath]

So here's another thing that is bothering my mind. Say you're seeing someone, is it ok for you to flirt with another person?

 

Yes and no. It honestly depends what you mean by seeing someone. If I've only dated someone a couple weeks and the relationship has not solidified, YES, it is ok to flirt. If I have an official girlfriend, then no. I may flirt for a sentence or two and then stop, but I'd say nothing that I wouldn't say if my gf were there. I don't commit to someone just to be with someone, just to give it a shot. If I agree to be bf-gf, it's because that girl is the only one I want to flirt with.

 

So with your friend, maybe he is not serious about the girl, I don't know.

 

What I do know, is that if I have a gf, if I had any extended social conversation with a woman, a friend or otherwise, my gf would be inserted into that conversation at the first relevant instance. This does not mean I'd say "just so you know I have a gf." But I'd say "oh, my gf really liked Amelie. She made me watch it one night. I enjoyed it." When my female friends ask me "what is up" I mention a girl I am dating pretty quickly. I'd only refrain if I had some interest, which is fine, if things aren't exclusive. I personally want a woman who acts the same way. If we are exclusive, I want someone who basically calls up her friends and says "I've got a new bf" and drags me along to meet them screaming "look at what I got!!!!"

 

Nothing is more disappointing than talking to a woman for a long time in a social context and then learning she has a boyfriend. I believe Krytie TV had a post like that recently; him Phateless and I wrote a lot. Some taken women will talk to you for an hour and never insert "I have a bf" when there were easily a dozen times she could do so. That pisses me off, because I'd still talk to them just for the sake of talking to someone interesting, I just want to know, because maybe they have a single friend in their group who I could talk to instead or they could set me up with!

[oppath]

guy that does too much weight-training/lifting isn't exactly my type.

 

 

 

Oppath, are you trying to tell me something??

 

What about a long distance runner who breakdances? Yes, I am trying to tell you something. I am flirting with you. And yes, I am actually single

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

Nothing is more disappointing than talking to a woman for a long time in a social context and then learning she has a boyfriend. I believe Krytie TV had a post like that recently; him Phateless and I wrote a lot. Some taken women will talk to you for an hour and never insert "I have a bf" when there were easily a dozen times she could do so. That pisses me off, because I'd still talk to them just for the sake of talking to someone interesting, I just want to know, because maybe they have a single friend in their group who I could talk to instead or they could set me up with!

 

i can see your point on this, but i will tell you, and a lot of other girls will tell you, that many guys will insult you as soon as they find out you have a boyfriend. not all guys, i know, but enough to make a girl think twice about what she says.

 

for example, if you jump the gun and tell a guy quickly that you have a boyfriend, he'll look at you like you're nuts or flat-out tell you that he doesn't care, he didn't want you anyway, why would you assume i'm trying to get with you--end of conversation.

 

if you wait a little longer, and then tell him you have a boyfriend, you're automatically a 'slut' or a 'bytch' and 'they don't want you anyway'.

 

so you see, it's tough for a girl to gauge the appropriate time, or whether it's even necessary to bring up a boyfriend to another guy, because if you don't assume he's hitting on you, it doesn't seem necessary to divulge info about your private life. if you do assume he's hitting on you, mentioning you're not available can bring on an unwarranted attack and insults.

 

it's a hard world out there.

[oppath]

i can see your point on this, but i will tell you, and a lot of other girls will tell you, that many guys will insult you as soon as they find out you have a boyfriend. not all guys, i know, but enough to make a girl think twice about what she says.

 

for example, if you jump the gun and tell a guy quickly that you have a boyfriend, he'll look at you like you're nuts or flat-out tell you that he doesn't care, he didn't want you anyway, why would you assume i'm trying to get with you--end of conversation.

 

if you wait a little longer, and then tell him you have a boyfriend, you're automatically a 'slut' or a 'bytch' and 'they don't want you anyway'.

 

so you see, it's tough for a girl to gauge the appropriate time, or whether it's even necessary to bring up a boyfriend to another guy, because if you don't assume he's hitting on you, it doesn't seem necessary to divulge info about your private life. if you do assume he's hitting on you, mentioning you're not available can bring on an unwarranted attack and insults.

 

it's a hard world out there.

 

Fair enough, but I always have a backup plan for when a girl mentions the bf. I ask "so what is it like being in a relationship?"

 

I don't know though. I want a girl who would tell the world "I have a bf" and who is so excited about me she couldn't help but bring me into conversation somehow. That is where the disappointment for me comes in, because when girls don't disclose, it makes me wonder "does a girl like that exist?"

[Lyssa]

I don't know though. I want a girl who would tell the world "I have a bf" and who is so excited about me she couldn't help but bring me into conversation somehow. That is where the disappointment for me comes in, because when girls don't disclose, it makes me wonder "does a girl like that exist?"

 

Wentwoppath, will you stop talking about me!

[Phateless]

We're getting sidetracked here. Saying "I have a bf." is presumptuous and a little arrogant. I would be kind of offended too. If she says "oh my bf loves that band!" that's the perfect way for her to mention him. Any guy who would flip out over that detail isn't worth talking to anyway. I have never done anything like that to a girl. If I'm feeling mean I might say "so where is he?" but that's about it.

[oppath]

We're getting sidetracked here. Saying "I have a bf." is presumptuous and a little arrogant. I would be kind of offended too. If she says "oh my bf loves that band!" that's the perfect way for her to mention him. Any guy who would flip out over that detail isn't worth talking to anyway. I have never done anything like that to a girl. If I'm feeling mean I might say "so where is he?" but that's about it.

 

Exactly. I find it rude to say "I have a bf" right away, but not to insert him into conversation casually. We had this discussion on another thread. The point is that if there is a time to bring someone up, such as being asked "what did you do this weekend" and you went to the zoo with your boyfriend earlier, you say "I went to the zoo with my boyfriend" instead of "I went to the zoo." Big difference. It is incredibly rude for a woman to lead with "I have a boyfriend."

 

This does relate to Leia though, as the guy she was talking to for an hour or more did not reveal he was seeing someone despite clearly flirting. Is that ok? No, unless they aren't exclusive, then it is fine.

[Lyssa]

Exactly. I find it rude to say "I have a bf" right away, but not to insert him into conversation casually. We had this discussion on another thread. The point is that if there is a time to bring someone up, such as being asked "what did you do this weekend" and you went to the zoo with your boyfriend earlier, you say "I went to the zoo with my boyfriend" instead of "I went to the zoo." Big difference. It is incredibly rude for a woman to lead with "I have a boyfriend."

 

This does relate to Leia though, as the guy she was talking to for an hour or more did not reveal he was seeing someone despite clearly flirting. Is that ok? No, unless they aren't exclusive, then it is fine.

 

I find it rude when a guy does that too. I'd be thinking - I don't see you in that way and care that you have a GF or a BF!

 

I think the best way is yes, to slip it in when the opportunity is there. I have a couple of GFs that tell guys straight away - out of the blue - "I have a BF!!!". Those guys weren't even straight!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Fair enough, but I always have a backup plan for when a girl mentions the bf. I ask "so what is it like being in a relationship?"

 

I don't know though. I want a girl who would tell the world "I have a bf" and who is so excited about me she couldn't help but bring me into conversation somehow. That is where the disappointment for me comes in, because when girls don't disclose, it makes me wonder "does a girl like that exist?"

 

i see what you're saying, totally. but i, like others, aren't really so quick to tell 'the world' anything.

 

when i am with someone, i can't wait to share it with people who matter. if someone flat out asks me out, i will happily say "i am very taken, sorry."

 

but some random guy who's just talking to me for a reason yet unknown? i'm not quick to share any personal information of any kind, really. and i'm like that with most things, not just my personal relationship status.

 

and you have a backup plan, that's nice, seriously. many guys don't. it's easier to whip out a quick "bitch" then it is to seem creatively uninterested.

[BaconDrips]

Can someone please tell me what OW/OM means?

[AHIWON]

Other Woman/ Other Man

 

There are a list of acronyms on the board here someplace in a sticky.

 

Cheating sickens me. I don't associate with folks who do it.

[Lyssa]

Can someone please tell me what OW/OM means?

 

Other Woman/Other Man

[bish]

And also, BS... how can you make your marriage after all the lies your spouse told you?

 

In my opinion, you can't. Oh I know there are people that claim they are happy after an affair...and I don't really doubt them. But it can't be all that happy. Nobody can say that from time to time after an affair that they don't relive what their spouse did to them and that it doesn't make them angry from time to time. What kind of life is that?

 

Believe me...I understand the need for wanting to make a marriage work after an affair...for the kids...whatever the reason...but in the end...there was no way I could stay with a cheater.

[Cobra_X30]

No, I was talking generally - but my h just read this and is fairly pissed off. Funny how it's ok for him to appreciate the charms of the opposite sex (to the point of paying for repeated table dances!!!), but dare I voice the same appreciation...Jeeez!!!

 

LOL... well at least you dont have to pay!

 

There is a lesson involved here. Has he admitted that what he did was a mistake? Has he committed to never doing that again? He needs to change not just his view of strip clubs, but his view of women in general. There needs to be two types. Woment who are you, and women who are not you. The women who are not... should be treated accordingly!

 

Does that make sense?

[annieo]

LOL... well at least you dont have to pay!

 

There is a lesson involved here. Has he admitted that what he did was a mistake? Has he committed to never doing that again? He needs to change not just his view of strip clubs, but his view of women in general. There needs to be two types. Woment who are you, and women who are not you. The women who are not... should be treated accordingly!

 

Does that make sense?

 

Thanks for the freebie and the laugh.

 

Yes, he knows he screwed up, has promised to never lie to me again (and the lying was the most damaging part of the whole thing), promised to never cross the threshold of a sc again, yadda yadda yadda...and I really do believe him. I made things pretty scary around here for awhile and I don't think he'll soon forget.

Everything you said totally makes sense. Now only time will tell (I find it depressing to be so cynical, but there it is).

What's been bugging me is the "why" question, which Leia so clearly indicated in the title of this thread.

Here's my two-cents: I think sometimes people do disloyal, stupid, selfish things, like cheat, for very little reason at all. Opportunity (e.g. out of town, who's going to know), drunkeness, boredom, peer pressure and then later try to rationalize their behavior (e.g., my wife doesn't sleep with me enough or the "right" way, the spark is gone, he doesn't understand me, listen to me, etc. etc.). It's kind of sad but I think a lot of relationships end because of random acts of selfishness/mindlessness. Maybe there is no real reason "why" except "because".

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks for the freebie and the laugh.

 

Yes, he knows he screwed up, has promised to never lie to me again (and the lying was the most damaging part of the whole thing), promised to never cross the threshold of a sc again, yadda yadda yadda...and I really do believe him. I made things pretty scary around here for awhile and I don't think he'll soon forget.

Everything you said totally makes sense. Now only time will tell (I find it depressing to be so cynical, but there it is).

What's been bugging me is the "why" question, which Leia so clearly indicated in the title of this thread.

Here's my two-cents: I think sometimes people do disloyal, stupid, selfish things, like cheat, for very little reason at all. Opportunity (e.g. out of town, who's going to know), drunkeness, boredom, peer pressure and then later try to rationalize their behavior (e.g., my wife doesn't sleep with me enough or the "right" way, the spark is gone, he doesn't understand me, listen to me, etc. etc.). It's kind of sad but I think a lot of relationships end because of random acts of selfishness/mindlessness. Maybe there is no real reason "why" except "because".

 

I would say the why is just as important as the lie.

 

I don't agree with your overall cynicism however. I don't think people cheat just because the chance arises. I've had that chance... many times, and let it slip away, because I didnt want to lose what I had.

 

I guarantee he rationalized BEFORE, he entered the SC. Most of us with fully functioning brains tend to do the risk vs. benefit analysis before we act.

 

So, now your left with the why. It sounded like he was with co-workers. Never discount peer pressure. My boss tries to get me to go every once in a while. That position of authority makes it very tough on me! However, I have never gone, and I will never go.