Why? I Want To Know Why??

[annieo]

I would say the why is just as important as the lie.

 

I don't agree with your overall cynicism however. I don't think people cheat just because the chance arises. I've had that chance... many times, and let it slip away, because I didnt want to lose what I had.

 

I guarantee he rationalized BEFORE, he entered the SC. Most of us with fully functioning brains tend to do the risk vs. benefit analysis before we act.

 

So, now your left with the why. It sounded like he was with co-workers. Never discount peer pressure. My boss tries to get me to go every once in a while. That position of authority makes it very tough on me! However, I have never gone, and I will never go.

 

You're right- he was with his scumbag boss who I can't look in the eye anymore. Boss' idea to go, which I believe. Not a very good excuse, though. Anyway, hopefully this was a painful learning experience, gave me the chance to clearly and irrevocably state what I will put up with and I now we move on.

And I don't all people cheat just because they can, only the weak (and that weakness can be an ongoing character flaw or due to situational factors/emotions).

[Cobra_X30]

You're right- he was with his scumbag boss who I can't look in the eye anymore. Boss' idea to go, which I believe. Not a very good excuse, though. Anyway, hopefully this was a painful learning experience, gave me the chance to clearly and irrevocably state what I will put up with and I now we move on.

And I don't all people cheat just because they can, only the weak (and that weakness can be an ongoing character flaw or due to situational factors/emotions).

 

Good!

 

My boss is super fun! We hang out all the time and go to bars and stuff, but he is really dirty! If I've learned one thing from him... it's what I dont want to be. He is a powerful man, he is high up in an industry leading company... and at home he wife fails to make him feel powerful. So he uses other women to do that. Thats why he likes strip clubs best. Thats why I wont go there.

 

Even the weakest among us realize the risks when we make choices! Your husband just learned that he cannot hide... that is the most important lesson he can learn.

[Leia]

In my opinion, you can't. Oh I know there are people that claim they are happy after an affair...and I don't really doubt them. But it can't be all that happy. Nobody can say that from time to time after an affair that they don't relive what their spouse did to them and that it doesn't make them angry from time to time. What kind of life is that?

 

Believe me...I understand the need for wanting to make a marriage work after an affair...for the kids...whatever the reason...but in the end...there was no way I could stay with a cheater.

 

Thanks Bish. Very good point there. I don't think I can trust my partner if he cheated and I gave him a second chance.... I don't think I can ever forget what he did. IF it was really bad. My aunt is a strong woman but I don't think she could handled it if they decided to stay together after the discovery of her husband's affair. She got him cleaned out real good which I think taught him a lesson about having an affair. People may not see it as a noble or even a good thing to do but he cheated on my aunt, he deserved it.

[Leia]

Good!

 

My boss is super fun! We hang out all the time and go to bars and stuff, but he is really dirty! If I've learned one thing from him... it's what I dont want to be. He is a powerful man, he is high up in an industry leading company... and at home he wife fails to make him feel powerful. So he uses other women to do that. Thats why he likes strip clubs best. Thats why I wont go there.

 

Even the weakest among us realize the risks when we make choices! Your husband just learned that he cannot hide... that is the most important lesson he can learn.

 

Your girlfriend is a lucky woman! I don't think I can accept it if my boyfriend went to strip clubs often. I mean once a year, no problem . In all honesty, no I don't think I can be with a guy who frequents strip clubs.

 

Your boss sounds like my aunt's ex-husband, in some ways. She supported him in every thing he was doing but it wasn't enough for him so he went out to look for more from other women. BIG mistake!

[Cobra_X30]

Your girlfriend is a lucky woman! I don't think I can accept it if my boyfriend went to strip clubs often. I mean once a year, no problem . In all honesty, no I don't think I can be with a guy who frequents strip clubs.

 

Your boss sounds like my aunt's ex-husband, in some ways. She supported him in every thing he was doing but it wasn't enough for him so he went out to look for more from other women. BIG mistake!

 

You shouldnt have to put up with a BF going to strip clubs! Actually you shouldnt have to put up with him flirting with other girls either.

 

You can, and will be more than enough for the right man!

 

You dont think you can marry twice! Thats good, it builds the desire to make things work! Find a man who shares that ethic... one who will never give up on you. One who will fight for you with every last fiber of his bieng... even if that means he fights himself.

 

Most of these others here on LS... they have trained themselves to fail. Choose your path wisely, share the belief that it will work... and it will!

[Leoni]

Most of these others here on LS... they have trained themselves to fail.

Oh come now, Cobra. That's neither accurate or realistic.

 

Divorce is not failure. Why stay with someone when both or one of you is miserable? Things happen, people change. Nothing remains static. You can't prevent people from changing and the path they change to, might not be a path you're willing to go. For example, one party wants an open marriage. Does this mean that the other party should agree to it? If they don't, but the one party acts like it is, where does the marriage stand?

 

You of all people should understand, that some actions aren't forgiveable.

[Phateless]

Oh come now, Cobra. That's neither accurate or realistic.

 

Divorce is not failure. Why stay with someone when both or one of you is miserable? Things happen, people change. Nothing remains static. You can't prevent people from changing and the path they change to, might not be a path you're willing to go. For example, one party wants an open marriage. Does this mean that the other party should agree to it? If they don't, but the one party acts like it is, where does the marriage stand?

 

You of all people should understand, that some actions aren't forgiveable.

 

I go back and forth on this one. Like Leia, I believe in the fairy tale and that marriage is permanent and forever. I grew up with "Happily Ever After" and god dammit I plan to find it! Cheating is never an option for me... just break up first, sheesh!

 

Funny thing is, in NY recently I saw a billboard that said "Life is short. Get a divorce." I literally busted up laughing right there in the street. If you know you're with the wrong person you shouldn't stay, but 50%? That's ridiculous if you ask me...

 

As for flirting and strip clubs... I think minor harmless flirting is ok... if it gets to be a chronic thing that's bad. We all have flirtatious friendships. Strip clubs... I'll go maybe once a year if my buddies drag me but I honestly have no interest. If a potential GF was that concerned I'd just have her come with us. I like confidence and security in my women.

 

I remember watching one of my buddies get married about two years ago... his dad was there with his wife, and his mom was there with her husband. the bride's dad was there with his wife, and her mom was there alone. My friend was 23 and his wife 22. It was hard to take the ceremony seriously. I did, however, give a knockout toast that earned me appreciation from everyone who knows him, so that's cool.

 

But yeah... I'm wondering how long it will last.

[Leia]

Fair enough, but I always have a backup plan for when a girl mentions the bf. I ask "so what is it like being in a relationship?"

 

I don't know though. I want a girl who would tell the world "I have a bf" and who is so excited about me she couldn't help but bring me into conversation somehow. That is where the disappointment for me comes in, because when girls don't disclose, it makes me wonder "does a girl like that exist?"

 

What might the 'back up plan' be? I haven't heard of that...

 

I would like a guy that would be proud to have me as his girlfriend and me him. I hold on to relationship greatly because of what my parents, aunts and uncles have shown all of us that is if things aren't great between two, you work it out. If after trying and trying, things just get worse then it's time to let go. The fact is that you try to make it work.

 

I don't want a short term relationship. I may look like I'm a party goer... well I am but that doesn't mean I play around a lot. As flirty as I am now with guys when I have a boyfriend, it stops. Flirting can be an innocent thing but you just don't know how many psychos are out there that take flirting seriously. It's scary...

[Phateless]

What might the 'back up plan' be? I haven't heard of that...

 

I would like a guy that would be proud to have me as his girlfriend and me him. I hold on to relationship greatly because of what my parents, aunts and uncles have shown all of us that is if things aren't great between two, you work it out. If after trying and trying, things just get worse then it's time to let go. The fact is that you try to make it work.

 

I don't want a short term relationship. I may look like I'm a party goer... well I am but that doesn't mean I play around a lot. As flirty as I am now with guys when I have a boyfriend, it stops. Flirting can be an innocent thing but you just don't know how many psychos are out there that take flirting seriously. It's scary...

 

That's always how I've seen things as well. I'm on a party binge lately cuz I'm having a good time while single. If I meet someone who's worth it, I'll gladly give it all up. Until then, it's on!

 

Yeah I see what you mean about stalkers. It's not as much of a problem for guys I guess. But how do I know you're not stalking me?

[Leia]

That's always how I've seen things as well. I'm on a party binge lately cuz I'm having a good time while single. If I meet someone who's worth it, I'll gladly give it all up. Until then, it's on!

 

Yeah I see what you mean about stalkers. It's not as much of a problem for guys I guess. But how do I know you're not stalking me?

 

I'm on a party binge (as you call it) myself even in a foreign country right now, not that foreign to me but still, it's not my home but partying is great but too much of it is not good.

 

Don't flatter yourself... You're cute and I don't stalk cute guys

[Leia]

You shouldnt have to put up with a BF going to strip clubs! Actually you shouldnt have to put up with him flirting with other girls either.

 

You can, and will be more than enough for the right man!

 

You dont think you can marry twice! Thats good, it builds the desire to make things work! Find a man who shares that ethic... one who will never give up on you. One who will fight for you with every last fiber of his bieng... even if that means he fights himself.

 

Most of these others here on LS... they have trained themselves to fail. Choose your path wisely, share the belief that it will work... and it will!

 

After what I gone through, I don't think I want to put up with anything less or someone that doesn't fulfill my needs or expectations. I can't afford to lose myself again!

 

Thank you for your kind words, I will hold onto and share the belief.

[Cobra_X30]

Oh come now, Cobra. That's neither accurate or realistic.

 

Divorce is not failure. Why stay with someone when both or one of you is miserable? Things happen, people change. Nothing remains static. You can't prevent people from changing and the path they change to, might not be a path you're willing to go. For example, one party wants an open marriage. Does this mean that the other party should agree to it? If they don't, but the one party acts like it is, where does the marriage stand?

 

You of all people should understand, that some actions aren't forgiveable.

 

Don't you see?... it is a failure! Things happen? What things? Yes, life throws stuff your way... but guess what... you get to choose how you handle it. You choose to grow and change together or apart.

 

It takes two to make a marraige work. Sometimes it will crash and burn, and it isnt really your fault. I understand that. Which I believe was your point... in which case you are more than correct.

 

And yes, some actions are not to be forgiven!

[Leoni]

Don't you see?... it is a failure! Things happen? What things? Yes, life throws stuff your way... but guess what... you get to choose how you handle it. You choose to grow and change together or apart.

 

It takes two to make a marraige work. Sometimes it will crash and burn, and it isnt really your fault. I understand that. Which I believe was your point... in which case you are more than correct.

 

And yes, some actions are not to be forgiven!

Nope, I absolutely don't see it as failure. Failure is remaining in an untenable situation or being too adaptive to another's needs. Never lose yourself in a relationship.

 

You can't control how someone changes and many times, a lot of people can't even control themselves, nevermind their own changes. You can try to match their changes but when you do it too much, you're no longer the person you or even they, want you to be, in that you become just an extension of the other. The end result of this, is that the other has nothing to appreciate or lose, so they take you for granted.

 

I agree that it takes two to make a relationship work. Never forget it and never forget that you can't and shouldn't control another. It's a recipe for disaster.

[Cobra_X30]

Nope, I absolutely don't see it as failure. Failure is remaining in an untenable situation or being too adaptive to another's needs. Never lose yourself in a relationship.

 

You can't control how someone changes and many times, a lot of people can't even control themselves, nevermind their own changes. You can try to match their changes but when you do it too much, you're no longer the person you or even they, want you to be, in that you become just an extension of the other. The end result of this, is that the other has nothing to appreciate or lose, so they take you for granted.

 

I agree that it takes two to make a relationship work. Never forget it and never forget that you can't and shouldn't control another. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

I completely agree with you in principle.

 

I dont agree with the attitude. In relationships, I take an us vs the world POV. I'll fight scratch and claw to make things work, and expect the same. I've learned that it's not a good thing to go into a relationship with your finger on the eject button, waiting for the first sign of turbulence.

 

You can be selfless without losing yourself, you can bend for someone and not break. Compromise... a M will never work without that. If you cannot accomodate one another... things will fall apart... and I would call that a failure.

 

I would bet that we actually agree on this topic... we just approach from different angles.

[Leoni]

I completely agree with you in principle.

 

I dont agree with the attitude. In relationships, I take an us vs the world POV. I'll fight scratch and claw to make things work, and expect the same. I've learned that it's not a good thing to go into a relationship with your finger on the eject button, waiting for the first sign of turbulence.

 

You can be selfless without losing yourself, you can bend for someone and not break. Compromise... a M will never work without that. If you cannot accomodate one another... things will fall apart... and I would call that a failure.

 

I would bet that we actually agree on this topic... we just approach from different angles.

Cobra, I know we agree on this topic...except the failure part.

 

I will bounce and continue to bounce anyone who I feel isn't up to my standards of acceptable commitment/integrity. Experience has taught me that nothing less than this is acceptable. Experience has also taught me that I absolutely cannot stand controlling someone else. Each person is an adult. While I'm a strong personality, the last thing I need/want is to be an untrusting adult caregiver. I'd much rather be alone.

[Phateless]

I'm on a party binge (as you call it) myself even in a foreign country right now, not that foreign to me but still, it's not my home but partying is great but too much of it is not good.

 

Don't flatter yourself... You're cute and I don't stalk cute guys

 

Good, you have to get it out of your system to clear your head.

 

haha, why thank you, you're beautiful yourself ya know... why don't you stalk us cute ones? Who do you stalk then?

[Rooster_DAR]

After what I gone through, I don't think I want to put up with anything less or someone that doesn't fulfill my needs or expectations. I can't afford to lose myself again!

 

Thank you for your kind words, I will hold onto and share the belief.

 

Exactly,

 

This is exactly where I'm at with the whole thing. I'm just going to enjoy being single for the next few years and take care of what I want out of life. I've been spending the last few months donating to homeless animals, now I'm seriously considering adopting one, they are all the company I need for now.

 

Cya!

[Leia]

It takes two to make a marraige work. Sometimes it will crash and burn, and it isnt really your fault. I understand that.

 

And yes, some actions are not to be forgiven!

 

Some actions are not forgiveable, true.. there is too much that one can take so leaving a marriage or even a relationship because you can't work things out anymore would be the right thing to do but I don't see leaving a marriage as a failure.

 

Other than that, I can see where you're coming from.

[Leia]

I will bounce and continue to bounce anyone who I feel isn't up to my standards of acceptable commitment/integrity. Experience has taught me that nothing less than this is acceptable. Experience has also taught me that I absolutely cannot stand controlling someone else. Each person is an adult. While I'm a strong personality, the last thing I need/want is to be an untrusting adult caregiver. I'd much rather be alone.

 

I can't say I have a lot of experience but what I have gone through and reading on other people's experience has taught me so much. I have my expectations and if he didn't measure up to them then it's just too bad. I can't afford to be with someone that does not hold the same belief... I can't and I won't.

[Leia]

haha, why thank you, you're beautiful yourself ya know... why don't you stalk us cute ones? Who do you stalk then?

 

I can't stand cute guys.... they're.. cute. I like guys that aren't afraid to express themselves - that's HAWT (one comes to mind here on Loveshack)!! Physically they have to be like Dougray Scott or Eric Dane but who am I kidding... that would be so hard to meet... in real life, I mean.

[Leia]

Exactly,

 

This is exactly where I'm at with the whole thing. I'm just going to enjoy being single for the next few years and take care of what I want out of life. I've been spending the last few months donating to homeless animals, now I'm seriously considering adopting one, they are all the company I need for now.

 

Cya!

 

Good for you!!! Back home, that's what I do every weekend. Donating to the animal shelter and taking care of the animals. I love animals and they are better company than people... at times!!

[oppath]

I can't stand cute guys.... they're.. cute. I like guys that aren't afraid to express themselves - that's HAWT (one comes to mind here on Loveshack)!! Physically they have to be like Dougray Scott or Eric Dane but who am I kidding... that would be so hard to meet... in real life, I mean.

 

What about Wentworth Miller or Barry Pepper?

[Leia]

What about Wentworth Miller or Barry Pepper?

 

Wentworth Miller was cute on that dinasour series... but when I saw him on Prison Break I was like oh-wowwweeee he is SUPERHAWT!!!! Did you see his body when he took off the shirt?? :love:

[RecordProducer]

I just want to understand because reading all these threads, it is seriously making me not want to marry any guy!

Don't lose your faith. Probably half of them cheat, but half don't. My first husband didn't cheat on me and same with my second. I know many people who have been completely honest with me and they've told me they've never cheated on their partners during many years of marriage.

 

Don't try to uderstand why they cheated. Try to recognize the cheaters. A person who is serious, reliable, has integrity and high moral values (don't mix this with religion), who is able to communicate and loves you with all his heart will not cheat on you. When you meet a guy who seems like you can't trust him - don't trust him.

[MrMichael]

I share a similar viewpoint on this: why not leave THEN go be with someone else...I worked for a guy who was having an affair, he had no remorse whatsoever during, but then when found out he couldn't understand why his wife was so angry, I just dont get some people's mentality on sh-t like that.

 

welcome to the sick world we live in today