Some Needed

[frantzkhan]

Please excuse the title for this post. For some reason the BBS would not let me post a correct title.

 

Hi Everyone,

 

I thought I'd post to get some answers with things that are happening in my marriage at the moment. Me and my wife have been married for over 5 years now and have a son. To give you a little bit of a background, my wife is about 3 years older than I am and when we first met, I lied about my age, putting me up about a year older than her. We moved in together after a couple of months of dating and a couple of months later she found my drivers license with my correct age. That lead to a big fight. This years been very unpleasant. I used to work for a company that had its offices all over the world. Some of the folks of my group used to work remotely from other countries. This lady I used to talk to in my group sent me her vacation pictures and my wife found out and we had another big fight. I'm very faithful to my wife, I don't look at other women because subconsciously I think I might be disrespecting my wife in doing that. So when this incident happened, I was blamed for cheating on her and how I didn't love her. We eventually reconciled had a good talk and everything was ok. I lost my job with this company (laid off and outsourced) and was unemployed for about 4 months where my wife worked to support us. I got a new job about 5 months ago, and some weeks ago, while I was working, some of my colleagues at work, including my manager , decided to go for lunch. I was craving a gyro but alas, the gyro place was closed. So we ended up going to this bar/grill/restaurant. Its pretty much like a hooters, with a different name. I didn't want to venture into this joint because I knew that my wife wouldn't approve of it, but just to please my manager, I went in anyways , we ordered food, I paid for mine and so did everyone else. I didn't tell my wife about the whole thing. Today my wife was going through some statements and she found the credit card transaction for this establishment, and we got into another argument. When she asked me what the transaction was all about I lied and told her I went to pick up food but never sat to eat in the fear of her getting upset. She eventually found out that I had sat down to eat. I know I should have never gone to this place, but I did and now I'm writing on this forum. I was labelled as a looser and the fact that I was having a gala time while my son and wife were at home.

Also, my wife lost her job last month and I've been working two jobs to support all of us. I dont get to spend a whole lot of time with my wife and son and I feel very guilty. Hopefully, in a month or so I can quit the 2nd job and spend some more time with the family. But right now, I can't think straight. I did not go to this restaurant to oogle at the waitresses. I just went to go grab a bite. I love my wife and would never think of disrespecting her or cheating on her. I'm not writing to get self pity, I just want to know if someone has any advice on this. I'm not a social person. I hardly ever go out, I don't drink, I don't have friends, just acquaintances at work and that's because I don't want my wife to feel uncomfortable and cause a rift in our marriage. My insurance has not kicked in, so I can't seek marriage counselling at the very moment. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can rectify the situation. I've never felt this hopeless. I would love some advice, even harsh criticism for my actions, just someone to talk to right about now.

Thanks for listening to me.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife has some insecurities and jealously issues. You seem to love her and treat her well, yet she doesn't have faith in you or your love for her. She has to relax and trust you and not over react in the sense of you speaking to women co-workers, or going out with a bunch of people and afew happen to be female. It's not like you planned on going to that booby bar, it just happened that way.

 

It is possible in your wife's past someone cheated on her, or she just has low self esteem.

 

I hope soon you'll able to go to counselling with her and sort this out. She needs counselling and some confidence in herself so she can enjoy the marriage instead of being afraid and thinking negative thoughts about you cheating or doing something wrong.

 

Though it was a mistake to lie, but I can see why you did as she would have gotten upset either way...I guess the worse of the two evils would have been for you to tell her where you went.

[copinghubby]

Sorry to hear what you are going through, that must be tough. Unfortunately, lying is not a good solution. As you have found out, she seems to find the truth and you need to man up. It sounds like she has real trust issues with you.

 

Did this behavior start/get worse after the birth of your son? I could be postpartum depression. In which case not only both of you but she should seek counseling.

 

We are hear to listen and support however we can.

[frantzkhan]

This behavior is actually less frequented right now. When we were initially going out, if we went to a bar or something, she would tell me that I was looking at other women and we would get into fights about that. Lying is definately not helping and I'm the one to blame for it. She did go through postpartum after the birth of our son. I remember when we were going out, I was a very affectionte person. I would tell her that she's beautiful, make her feel that she was loved, buy her gifts, make her feel special, but looking back now, I don't do that a lot anymore. And she mentions that every time we have a fight. While she was pregnant and many months after that, I did not let her work so she could stay at home with our son and relax and enjoy herself. When our son starting growing up, all our attention was diverted to him and i'm not blaming him. I love my son to death, but me and my wife haven't had that one on one time that we used to have. I'm either working or we're taking care of our son. I can't even remember the last time, me and my wife went out to dinner or catch a movie. We don't have any family where we live so getting someone to babysit our son is out of the question. With me working two jobs right now, its become more of a struggle. I know maybe its me that's causing this whole fiasco, but I don't know where to start. I'm tired all the time and I hate it because I can't spend that time with my family. I don't want to grow apart from my wife or my son. I have a clear conscience and the thought of cheating on my wife has never crossed my mind but everytime we get into fights she asks me if i'm cheating on her and I tell her i'm not and I would never do that. Maybe my wifes's insecurities are because of me and maybe I need to change the way I am.

Sorry I'm ranting so much, I'm trying to organize my thoughts and see how I can become a better husband and father.

[michaelk]

Your wife has major insecurity issues. You make it sound like she's justified for her reactions, and everything will be alright if only you can behave a certain way. What's really going on is that you're being a good husband, and she doesn't appreciate that. The fact that you feel so bad about the possibility of even looking at another woman tells me she's got nothing to worry about - this is an extreme level of 'fidelity' for a man. Most of us look without even thinking about it!

 

First you need to put this in perspective. If you've never given her a reason to feel insecure, then this is not a problem of your making. She has an inability to trust, and that is what's threatening your marriage. And this is definitely a threat, because how long do you think you will be able to put up with being a suspect no matter what you do? This strikes at the very heart of your integrity and self-worth, and whether it's tomorrow or 10 years from now, you will eventually decide you've had enough.

 

Second, you need to get serious about solving this problem. You're never going to get there by trying to further and further restrict your actions. The fact that you've given up other social outlets because of this is a real red flag, and again something that you will only tolerate for so long. Instead, realize that you both have to work on this together. That if she's not willing to do her part in learning to trust you, this is never going to go away. You two need to talk it out together, and if that doesn't work and she continues to paint it like it's your fault, then you need to see a marriage counselor. And MC can really help - I'm telling you from my own experience!

 

Finally, don't underestimate how hard parenthood can be on a marriage. If she focuses only on caring for your child, and you focus only on being a good provider, then you'll damage your relationship with your wife. It took my wife and I nearly three years after our first child was born to re-establish any kind of worthwhile relationship. Sometimes I'm surprised we survived it. You have to find a way to spend time together without your child. And you both have to realize that you cannot set aside your own needs for those of the family. Without a healthy you, and a healthy wife, your child cannot have a healthy environment to grow up in.

 

Best wishes,

 

MK

[get.mos]

it's already been stated, so i'll be brief just to agree with others.

• your wife is insecure. has there been any rift in your relationship to cause this?
  
• you need to figure out why you feel compelled to lie. (is this for fear of what your wife's response - the underpinnings of codependency, or do you have something deep-rooted in you that needs to be addressed?)