Citizen Erased Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 Well in case none of you know this, my father and I have a very ahhh...rocky relationship to say the least. He moved to Cairns (QLD) around this time last year. I found out off my grandmother about 2 weeks before he even moved, that's pretty much how included I am in that family She seriously thought I was joking when I said I didn't know what she was talking about. So I was at my sisters last week and apparently my father and my step mother bought land in another state (Tasmania ), pretty much waiting until my little brother leaves home so they can build a separate little life away from his children. Whatever, nothing new. Well now apparently they are moving to Melbourne because of my dad's work. This has been in the works for about 2 months! I was told by a lady at his work (I was closing down my bank account with them and she mentioned it). I am just so sick of finding out these things from everybody else! It is bad enough I am always having to contact my father, I haven't seen him for a year and only spoken to him probably twice during that time on the phone, the rest on msn I don't know his house phone number, only his work number, I am too embarrassed to ask anyone else for it! everyone else was offered to holiday at his house in Cairns, I have never been so much as told I am welcome and I sure as hell wouldn't be welcome if I did make plans to go there. Pretty much, he sees me as an extension of my mother and gets anything he needs in the children department from my brother and my elder sister. Sorry, this was a bit more of a rant then anything. grrrr I am just so...indescribable really. It is just so lovely to know you are not even a second though to your own father. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 Aarrghh.. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I promise you I know how you're feeling, I was being left out on a few occasion when I was much younger - mostly among siblings but still, it wasn't a good feeling. I feel you, sweetie... [[[[Cocolicious]]]] Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 Coco, I hate the way you are feeling! Your stepmother makes Cinderella's look like an angel. I am sure she has something to do with your father's alienation from you. You say that he views you as an extension of your mother? Why just you and not the other two children? Do you look more like your mother? I can only surmise that this must have been a VERY mesy divorce judging fromthe way your father feels about your mother. I am really sorry you are going through this. Have you ever had it out in the open with your Dad? Is he aware of your feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 2, 2007 Author Share Posted December 2, 2007 Aarrghh.. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I promise you I know how you're feeling, I was being left out on a few occasion when I was much younger - mostly among siblings but still, it wasn't a good feeling. I feel you, sweetie... [[[[Cocolicious]]]] Thanks hon Coco, I hate the way you are feeling! Your stepmother makes Cinderella's look like an angel. I am sure she has something to do with your father's alienation from you. You say that he views you as an extension of your mother? Why just you and not the other two children? Do you look more like your mother? I can only surmise that this must have been a VERY mesy divorce judging fromthe way your father feels about your mother. I am really sorry you are going through this. Have you ever had it out in the open with your Dad? Is he aware of your feelings? My mother cheated on my dad. I moved in with her after they split (I lived with him for about a year but was treated like absolute crap so moved in with my mum.) and I don't think he has ever forgiven me. And yes, out of us three I look most like my mother. Especially from when she was my age, we are almost identical. Pretty much, since I left his home, I have probably stayed in the same house as him maybe three times and I have always been the one to call him. He literally wants nothing to do with me, especially now he is re-married. Whatever, I give up. The only other father figure I have ever had was an abusive drunk perve so I guess I'll have daddy issues for the rest of my life Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 darling coco, yer daddy's a jackass of the highest caliber, and someday he's going to regret his behavior toward you. Because that kind of thing always, ALWAYS comes back to bite one in the *ss. I know it doesn't help with what's going on right now, but it *is* something to bear in mind ... hugs to you, q Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 Awww...d_c. What a difficult situation. In what you've mentioned, you also have to see it from his perspective. You look like your mother. Your mother cheated on him. You left him to go live with her. In essence, both of you deserted him for someone you preferred. It's tightly bound up with his self-esteem, in that he's probably never properly recovered from your mother's cheating. I can easily relate to what kind of damage cheating does to a person. The difference is, that I was determined to reverse the damage, so I relied on any and every resource, including professional help, to work at getting beyond it. Most people, particularly men, don't bother/are afraid of/don't believe in, doing this and end up paying the price, for the rest of their lives and the lives of people who fall within their sphere of influence. It doesn't make it right that your father has transposed his negative emotions from your mother to you. While he may have had pain, within reason, his children should always come first. This is an ongoing issue, d_c. It maybe time to get more therapy, now that you've had time to experience more in life and absorb the information provided by your past therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 I should qualify my comment about getting more therapy. The last thing you want to do, is to make your father's issues, your issues. His actions are not your responsibility or within your realm of control. There's nothing you can do to make him a more attentive and loving father. He is responsible for his own abusive actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 2, 2007 Author Share Posted December 2, 2007 darling coco, yer daddy's a jackass of the highest caliber, and someday he's going to regret his behavior toward you. Because that kind of thing always, ALWAYS comes back to bite one in the *ss. I know it doesn't help with what's going on right now, but it *is* something to bear in mind ... hugs to you, q Thans quank. The thing is, he is still my dad and no matter what he does, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, I think I just want to hope he doesn't realise what he is doing and one day things will improve. Unlikely seing as he lives hours away from me and I don't wish to hash it out over the phone, things can be said in person which come across differently on the phone Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 3, 2007 Share Posted December 3, 2007 Darlin Coco, The thing is, he is still my dad and no matter what he does, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, I think I just want to hope he doesn't realise what he is doing and one day things will improve. This is alone proof of what a wonderful person you are. You sound like my daughter. Her father cheated on me and we divorced when she was eight. She never, ever stopped loving her father and would stick up for him if anyone dared to badmouth him. Today she is twenty - three and although she admits she doesn't like what her father does/did, she loves him to smithereens and is always there for him. He loves her very much too but in his own peculiar way. I agree with TBF. Your father was greatly hurt by what happened. Perhaps he is not over your mother. That coupled by the fact that you resemble her so much may be painful for him. Realize I am not making excuses for him. Just trying to help you understand. I am sure that he loves you very much - even more so than your siblings - because of your resemblance to the woman he once loved. Give him some time and if it is you who has act more like an adult, then so be it. Reach out to him ever so gently and in time he may overcome whatever it is that is making him hold back his affection to you. For, I AM SURE it is there! Marlena Link to post Share on other sites
Author Citizen Erased Posted December 3, 2007 Author Share Posted December 3, 2007 Awww...d_c. What a difficult situation. In what you've mentioned, you also have to see it from his perspective. You look like your mother. Your mother cheated on him. You left him to go live with her. In essence, both of you deserted him for someone you preferred. It's tightly bound up with his self-esteem, in that he's probably never properly recovered from your mother's cheating. I can easily relate to what kind of damage cheating does to a person. The difference is, that I was determined to reverse the damage, so I relied on any and every resource, including professional help, to work at getting beyond it. Most people, particularly men, don't bother/are afraid of/don't believe in, doing this and end up paying the price, for the rest of their lives and the lives of people who fall within their sphere of influence. It doesn't make it right that your father has transposed his negative emotions from your mother to you. While he may have had pain, within reason, his children should always come first. This is an ongoing issue, d_c. It maybe time to get more therapy, now that you've had time to experience more in life and absorb the information provided by your past therapist. I should qualify my comment about getting more therapy. The last thing you want to do, is to make your father's issues, your issues. His actions are not your responsibility or within your realm of control. There's nothing you can do to make him a more attentive and loving father. He is responsible for his own abusive actions. Sorry TBF, I only just realised you had posted Thank you for your perspective. I know that if this was another poster I would think the same thing and advise therapy as well. When it comes to my own personal matters unfortunately I don't practice what I preach. I guess I am still underneath it all the same 12 year old girl standing in the kitchen with him screaming at me that my mother had "****ed" another man and I could go live with them if I wanted but I would no longer be his daughter. I really do need more therapy, I know I haven't dealt with any of my issues. But since that day the only way I have been able to function is to bury it all, push it out of my mind. Not healthy at all, especially seeing as I am aiming to be a psychologist myself one day! Darlin Coco, This is alone proof of what a wonderful person you are. You sound like my daughter. Her father cheated on me and we divorced when she was eight. She never, ever stopped loving her father and would stick up for him if anyone dared to badmouth him. Today she is twenty - three and although she admits she doesn't like what her father does/did, she loves him to smithereens and is always there for him. He loves her very much too but in his own peculiar way. I agree with TBF. Your father was greatly hurt by what happened. Perhaps he is not over your mother. That coupled by the fact that you resemble her so much may be painful for him. Realize I am not making excuses for him. Just trying to help you understand. I am sure that he loves you very much - even more so than your siblings - because of your resemblance to the woman he once loved. Give him some time and if it is you who has act more like an adult, then so be it. Reach out to him ever so gently and in time he may overcome whatever it is that is making him hold back his affection to you. For, I AM SURE it is there! Marlena Thanks Marlena No, my dad is not over the divorce. Either is my mother. They are both bitter and hurt by everything which went down in the 16 years they were together. Everything from her blaming him for not being around when my brother died, to him that well..she slept with another man for about 6 months, left our family and then didn't protect me from her abusive ex. They won't be in the same room and forget being even civil to each other on the phone. The thing is, I'm not sure if I want his affection. I am very emotionally independent from my entire family. I always have been and alot of the reason why I never was close to him was because he couldn't figure me out and I sure as hell wasn't giving him any hints. All my family will do is hurt me. They have all shown that. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 3, 2007 Share Posted December 3, 2007 Coco, I wish I could undo all the mistakes your parents made. I can fully understand your need to stay as independent from them as possible and that is very likely the best thing you can possibly do. Try, however, to see your parents in their human dimensions. Perhaps this would allow you to somehow disconnect even more emotionally from them. The loss of a child is the worst kind of trauma a human being can go through in his/her lifetime. Very often tragedy of this proportion can wreak havoc in the best of families. How one reacts to trauma is unpredictable. I am not saying this to justify or not justify your mothers actions. I am only saying this an attempt to perhaps help you make peace for what she has done. That said, however, nothing can excuse her from not protecting you from abuse. In this, I am in accord with your father. Was she aware of what was happening? if so, was she in denial over it? i will stop here as I do not want to dredge up anymore horrendous memories. The good thing is that you are an adult now and can be free of both of them or at least allow them to have as little impact on you as possible. Perhaps, yes, you should go in for more counseling if you feel this will help you. Look ahead, Coco sweetheart, not behind. Put all your strength into healing from this and look with optimism into the future. You are young and so many wonderful things are in store for you. Wish I could help more. Hugs, Marlena Link to post Share on other sites
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