Question About Karma

[Gwyneth]

Some of you claim that the OW will create bad karma for them because of their OW actions.

 

I was wondering why the BSs may feel this way--if they do, and why bad karma hit them with a cheating spouse.

[norajane]

I am not a BS, but I'll answer.

 

I don't see it as karma. I see bad results as a natural consequence of making self-destructive choices in terms of who and what you accept and go after in life.

[Ariadne]

why bad karma hit them with a cheating spouse

 

(haha)

[sb129]

I am not a BS, but I'll answer.

 

I don't see it as karma. I see bad results as a natural consequence of making self-destructive choices in terms of who and what you accept and go after in life.

 

Good answer. I am going to jump on your bandwagon NJ.

[norajane]

I misread the question, though!

 

I thought she was asking why BS thought bad karma would follow the OW around...

[OWoman]

Some of you claim that the OW will create bad karma for them because of their OW actions.

 

I was wondering why the BSs may feel this way--if they do, and why bad karma hit them with a cheating spouse.

 

Well in my MM's W's case, it was definitely a case of what goes around, comes around. She was married when they met, and she kept stringing both of them along for a goodly while, until a nasty d-day scene involving violence sent OM (my MM) heading for the hills and WS saw what she'd lost and hunted him down, wooed him back and dumped her H. OM (my MM) fool that he was thought he'd won some prize, and foolishly took her back. She's continued to treat him badly ever since, and now the gumboot's on the other hoof.

[Gwyneth]

That is just what I was thinking.

 

Nobody "deserves" to be cheated on.

 

Did I say people deserve to be cheated on? No. I am Asking why innocent people are cheated on--what did they do to get cheated on. My question and accusing innocent spouses of deserving to be cheated on are two different things. GEEEZ

[bestadvisor]

No, I'm a very intelligient, and successful 26 year old female. And you?

 

I am sure we have very different definition for the word "success."

 

I am sure you're very "intelligent" and very "ethical."

[sb129]

Many innocent men and women are cheated on by their spouses and some people on here believe in the whole karm thing, so I was JUST wondering why then, those people who do only good, are still cheated on. What goes around comes around, but if those innocent people never cheated, then why do they get cheated on?

 

NoraJanes reply answers this question as much as anyone can possibly answer such a question.

 

As each situation is different, how can anyone answer that? why do innocent people die? why do innocent people get sick?

 

Maybe YOU can tell US, seeing as you are an OW yourself. Don't feel sorry for the BS, if you did TRULY feel sorry for her, you wouldn't be banging her H.

[Gwyneth]

NoraJanes reply answers this question as much as anyone can possibly answer such a question.

 

As each situation is different, how can anyone answer that? why do innocent people die? why do innocent people get sick?

 

Maybe YOU can tell US, seeing as you are an OW yourself. Don't feel sorry for the BS, if you did TRULY feel sorry for her, you wouldn't be banging her H.

 

I'm not banging her husband. Why is it that people say "oh, if you do that (be the ow), then bad karma will come to haunt you, but when I am here asking why then does it happen that BSs are cheated on...the formula just doesn't make sense. I'm not trying to argue about this, I'm just saying that something universal just doesn't make Any sense.

[sb129]

I don't think that bad karma will come to you if you are the OW, because I don't believe in karma.

 

You are an OW though right?

 

There is no "formula". Inexplicably bad things happen to innocent and good people all the time. Its life- and it DOESN'T make sense, you are right. It sucks, but it happens.

 

You could ask the same thing about war, accidents, famine, natural disasters, disease, murder, rape.... the list is endless. Many people believe that these things are a result of a god punishing people for their wrongdoings, but many people who are victims of the abovenamed things are innocent and good people.

 

I don't believe in any kind of god either, I believe that unfortunately, bad things happen to good people sometimes.

[noforgiveness]

Did I say people deserve to be cheated on? No. I am Asking why innocent people are cheated on--what did they do to get cheated on. My question and accusing innocent spouses of deserving to be cheated on are two different things. GEEEZ

 

 

Here's my bs Karma. I had a close friend whose husband cheated on her with her best friend. It killed me how sweet my friend still was to her husband and how much she still loved him. I just could not understand it and then she actually was civil to the backstabbing bestfriend when they were in the same circle. Made me crazy.

 

The circle goes around. My former bestfriend cheated with my husband. This woman would go on and on raging that our mutual friend was civil with her backstabbing bestfriend. She was livid that a friend could do that to another but not angry that the wife took him back. So here we are the one that didn't understand doing it to a friend did it herself and the one who never understood still loving the husband is still in love.

[Gwyneth]

I am not a BS, but I'll answer.

 

I don't see it as karma. I see bad results as a natural consequence of making self-destructive choices in terms of who and what you accept and go after in life.

 

Even though you said you misread my question, I think you are onto something here. Now I agree, SB, that bad things happen to all and it's just part of life patterns, but I also believe exactly what NJ has stated here--bad things happen to good people because those good people put themself into the bad situation to begin with. Maybe the innocent person didn't know their spouse would some day crush their heart and cheat on them.

 

Comparing this to death is irrelevant. Why? Because we cannot always choose death or choose to steer away from a disease, but we can choose whom we marry and whom we cheat on / with. We have more control over our actions than the status of our health and life (death). We can try to do better things to stay Away from bad health, but that is more of a genetic thing. Cheating and falling in love with unfortunately the wrong person isn't genetic (or is it?)

 

Life is too complex for me.

[Cobra_X30]

Why is it that people say "oh, if you do that (be the ow), then bad karma will come to haunt you, but when I am here asking why then does it happen that BSs are cheated on...the formula just doesn't make sense.

 

This may not answer your question directly, but consider this.

 

The vast majority of cheaters are selfish. They are typically concerned only with things that affect them directly.

 

So do you think Lorena Bobbits next husband will put some extra thought in before cheating?

 

Now... what makes someone particularly susceptable to becoming a BS?

[writeon]

Hi. I think that although we have no control over other people's actions, our own actions decide whether or not we are happy. I think a woman who gets involved with a married man is setting herself up for heartbreak, whether or not she recognizes it at the time. Therefore maybe the people who have talked about "karma" in this situation mean it in terms of, you reap what you sow. If you go into a dangerous situation, danger will likely come to you. Now, for people who have had spouses cheat on them, yes, they are unhappy, but they didn't actively create their own unhappiness, unlike people who date someone who is attached to someone else. Once that happens to them, they have their own choices that can affect their own happiness, and in that sense are in the same place as a woman thinking about dating a married man. If she feels that staying with her husband will bring her unhappiness, she shouldn't do it. If she feels there is something worth restoring and that forgiving her husband will bring her happiness, she should do it. That's what I mean when I say our own choices decide our destiny, and some choices are bound to make us happier than other choices. Maybe that is what some people mean when they talk about "karma."

[Curmudgeon]

I was wondering why the BSs may feel this way--if they do, and why bad karma hit them with a cheating spouse.

 

The ex, who had a couple of OMs had to be hurting someone in order to gain bad karma. Guess I was it. My life has been so much better since that it's almost worth the experience. Sure I still experience bumps in the road (perhaps that's my own karma) but overall, life's pretty darn good.

 

As for the ex, hers is awful. First she lost her OM/Husband #2 in a car accident. The I got custody of my daughters away from her. Then she went broke and now has to live with one of our adult sons. Finally she was hit by a car while walking a couple of weeks ago and is still in the hospital where she'll be for awhile.

[sb129]

. Maybe the innocent person didn't know their spouse would some day crush their heart and cheat on them.

 

Well, of course they didn't. Maybe some people ignored their gut reaction, maybe they were naive, maybe they truly saw only good in someone, maybe the circumstances of the R changed.

 

bad things happen to good people because those good people put themself into the bad situation to begin with.

 

People take marriage vows with the intention of keeping them most of the time!

What you seem to be saying is its the betrayed parties fault for putting themselves at risk, and I don't think that at all. How on earth can they know. yes, I agree that perhaps some people ignore signs, but they can't ALL have signs.

 

I still think that most of the blame lies with the cheater, THEY are the one with the ultimate control whether they cheat or not.

 

Comparing this to death is irrelevant. Why? Because we cannot always choose death or choose to steer away from a disease, but we can choose whom we marry and whom we cheat on / with. We have more control over our actions than the status of our health and life (death). We can try to do better things to stay Away from bad health, but that is more of a genetic thing. Cheating and falling in love with unfortunately the wrong person isn't genetic (or is it?)

 

Life is too complex for me.

 

Well its not irrelevant entirely, I was just using that as an example to illustrate my point, as some people can't choose where or to whom they are born, and sometimes even really healthy people get cancer etc.

 

I don't think there really is a blanket answer to your question Gwyneth, it is a very complex issue which varies from situation to situation.

 

Many cheaters are surprised to find themselves cheating too, believe it or not.

[sb129]

Now, for people who have had spouses cheat on them, yes, they are unhappy, but they didn't actively create their own unhappiness, unlike people who date someone who is attached to someone else. Once that happens to them, they have their own choices that can affect their own happiness, and in that sense are in the same place as a woman thinking about dating a married man. If she feels that staying with her husband will bring her unhappiness, she shouldn't do it. If she feels there is something worth restoring and that forgiving her husband will bring her happiness, she should do it.

 

Right on, Writeon

[OpenBook]

maybe the people who have talked about "karma" in this situation mean it in terms of, you reap what you sow. If you go into a dangerous situation, danger will likely come to you. Now, for people who have had spouses cheat on them, yes, they are unhappy, but they didn't actively create their own unhappiness, unlike people who date someone who is attached to someone else.

 

How do you know they didn't "actively create their own unhappiness"?? Do you have some special insight into what's happening inside every marriage when the infidelity happens? According to many posters here on LS, the BS indeed took an active role in causing the infidelity... by cutting off affection to her H, not paying any attention to him or his needs, etc. In these cases I would say that karma is indeed at work, and that you definitely reap what you sow!

 

That's what I mean when I say our own choices decide our destiny, and some choices are bound to make us happier than other choices. Maybe that is what some people mean when they talk about "karma."

 

With that logic, the choice to marry a person who eventually "crushes your heart" down the road and cheats on you, is just as poor a choice as that of deciding to get involved with a MP.

[sb129]

With that logic, the choice to marry a person who eventually "crushes your heart" down the road and cheats on you, is just as poor a choice as that of deciding to get involved with a MP.

 

Yes, but I think the person who chooses to get involved with a MP has a bit more information to hand when making that choice than perhaps the person who gets crushed did.

 

Surely if you knew that the person would one day cheat, you would choose not to have a R with them?

[sb129]

You could also "choose" to get together with a MP, knowing that they were capable of cheating- do you blame yourself if they eventually cheat on you?

 

You had proof that they were a cheater, and still made the choice to be with them after all....

 

This thread is making my head hurt.

[OpenBook]

Yes, but I think the person who chooses to get involved with a MP has a bit more information to hand when making that choice than perhaps the person who gets crushed did.

 

I've made this argument before, but here I go again. There is NO WAY a spouse could not have more information about her OWN HUSBAND, with whom she has been living and taking care of for YEARS - than the OW who comes wandering into his life.

 

Surely if you knew that the person would one day cheat, you would choose not to have a R with them?

 

Absolutely not! And that's why I disagreed with writeon's view that some of our choices are bound to make us happier than others. There's no guarantee. It's basically a crapshoot.

[whichwayisup]

According to many posters here on LS, the BS indeed took an active role in causing the infidelity... by cutting off affection to her H, not paying any attention to him or his needs, etc. In these cases I would say that karma is indeed at work, and that you definitely reap what you sow!

 

A betrayed spouse doesn't cause the cheating spouse to cheat - That's his/her choice. Sure, the BS is responsible for his/her part in the demise of the marriage - But it's UP TO THE CHEATING SPOUSE to communicate his/her needs that are not being met, or to tell the spouse they're unhappy and seek counselling, or end the marriage, or even separate. The cheater by him/herself CHOOSES to cheat on their own...Blaming the BS for that is just passing on accountability of their own actions.

[OpenBook]

A betrayed spouse doesn't cause the cheating spouse to cheat - That's his/her choice. Sure, the BS is responsible for his/her part in the demise of the marriage - But it's UP TO THE CHEATING SPOUSE to communicate his/her needs that are not being met, or to tell the spouse they're unhappy and seek counselling, or end the marriage, or even separate. The cheater by him/herself CHOOSES to cheat on their own...Blaming the BS for that is just passing on accountability of their own actions.

 

WWIU I respectfully disagree with you. I have never understood this argument, because it is yet another rationalization for the reality of what actually happened. BS neglects and ignores their S... so S goes outside the M to get the affection and attention s/he craves. It's a simple cause-and-effect scenario. Focusing on who is or is not to blame is IMO a pointless exercise. The fact is, it happened that way.

[noforgiveness]

I've made this argument before, but here I go again. There is NO WAY a spouse could not have more information about her OWN HUSBAND, with whom she has been living and taking care of for YEARS - than the OW who comes wandering into his life.

 

 

Yes the ow knows the man is a liar and a cheater. The bs while still in the dark trusts and loves her husband. She believes him when he goes to the football game that ends at 8 and gets home at 1 that he was out with the guys. She believes him when he works nights one day a week because he has clients on the west coast of a different time zone. She trusts him and has no reason not to. The ow knows he is a liar. She may also feel that he works so hard to support his family that he deserves to blow some steam off with his buddies.