Question About Karma

[Gwyneth]

I don't understand your reasoning.

 

Why is it okay to bad mouth someone that you don't even know? Especially based on the word of the person you know to be betraying them?

 

Of course it would be a different scenario if you knew her. I just don't understand the logic that its okay to bad mouth her now because you don't know her. That just confuses me.

 

I don't really have a good answer for this. I am just saying that I know I am getting my description of her from that "seedy source," and that if I knew her, my description of her would probably be different. Please don't tell me you never were given a bad impression of someone based on things someone else has told you--I do not know Anyone who can say they never have. I see many people on here saying things about the MM in which they do not know. I am in no way shape or form trying to make myself feel better or justify the affair by bad mouthing her. It is what it is. The very fact that she called me and instead of speaking her mind, kept on calling me the entire freakin' night tells me she isn't brave enough to say what she needed to say. Instead, she kept calling me which is borderline harassment to me. Then she changed his phone humber--hello! Your husband was the one calling ME!!! Not the other way around. What am I supposed to think of her? I'm sure she has her own assumptions about me--and that's cool--she doesn't know me and I do not know her so if she thinks bad about me then that's fine.

 

[whichwayisup]

I am just saying that I know I am getting my description of her from that "seedy source,"

 

Though you have a choice to believe the seedy source...I mean, the seedy source IS the one who is having an affair with you. And he's not thinking of leaving his wife and step-son anytime soon...Yet he is quite good at lying and betraying..

[Gwyneth]

Like I have said, I choose to believe my "seedy source," and I still do Not give a flying duck about wifey. Now if he were to tell me tomorrow she is pregnant--and with his child, of course, then I would end this in a minute!!! No, Seconds! The mere fact that not even is friends / coworkers talk him out of having an affair with me says a lot to me--says that he must be telling them the same things he tells me about his wife. Well I know he does because I have heard him do so. He's in a bad situation--he just needs time to get out of it. I'm not waiting for him to do that, but when he is certain and ready, he will do the necessary things.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't really have a good answer for this. I am just saying that I know I am getting my description of her from that "seedy source," and that if I knew her, my description of her would probably be different. Please don't tell me you never were given a bad impression of someone based on things someone else has told you--I do not know Anyone who can say they never have. I see many people on here saying things about the MM in which they do not know. I am in no way shape or form trying to make myself feel better or justify the affair by bad mouthing her. It is what it is. The very fact that she called me and instead of speaking her mind, kept on calling me the entire freakin' night tells me she isn't brave enough to say what she needed to say. Instead, she kept calling me which is borderline harassment to me. Then she changed his phone humber--hello! Your husband was the one calling ME!!! Not the other way around. What am I supposed to think of her? I'm sure she has her own assumptions about me--and that's cool--she doesn't know me and I do not know her so if she thinks bad about me then that's fine.

 

 

You are confusing the issue. This isn't about her calling you. Its about you saying really nasty things about her based only on what he has told you. That's the confusing part.

 

Yes, there are times that people say things about someone that I don't know that may indeed color my judgment of them if I don't already know the person. But the difference for me is that I don't then turn around and repeat that mess not knowing if its true or not.

 

It could be true. But I'd rather find out for myself before I went down that road. That's all I am saying.

 

Why is everyone so hung up on the "seedy source" thing? If a known alcoholic told you that his mother was a drug addict, would you believe them? I mean, it could be true, but would you just automatically believe it knowing that he is an alcoholic and could just be saying it for sympathy for himself?

[White Flower]

Originally posted by whichwayisup>

And what did the kids do to deserve an unstable upbringing? Cry too much as a baby and have colic every night?

 

I do not pretend to know a lot about this subject but I know that I don't know everything. I don't think it is always a case of deserving; rather, it may just be a lesson the soul agreed to learn before chosing their body. They could have read about it and learned it in their spiritual teaching but any good student knows that practical learning is more substancial.

[White Flower]

Come on. I am a BS and even I know that most of us come from some form of dysfunction. There are as many BS and MM men who come from dysfunction. It is clear that some OW come from troubled situations, but so many of us do.

 

Even I can't make that generalization. And I see everything in black and white.

Bent,

I just love you more and more!

 

To all,

I believe everyone is related to at least one dysfunctional person. If the world were perfect it would explode. Then we would start all over again. Haven't you heard...the universe is expanding!

[LifesontheUp]

Now if he were to tell me tomorrow she is pregnant--and with his child, of course, then I would end this in a minute!!! No, Seconds!

 

So do you think you are number 1?

 

The mere fact that not even is friends / coworkers talk him out of having an affair with me says a lot to me--says that he must be telling them the same things he tells me about his wife. Well I know he does because I have heard him do so. He's in a bad situation--he just needs time to get out of it. I'm not waiting for him to do that, but when he is certain and ready, he will do the necessary things.

 

Or you could look at it another way and that people have told him but he's ignoring what anyone else says. You are making assumptions as you DO NOT know the facts.

 

How much time does he need to get out of his bad situation? Has he told you?

[Gwyneth]

You are confusing the issue. This isn't about her calling you. Its about you saying really nasty things about her based only on what he has told you. That's the confusing part.

 

Yes, there are times that people say things about someone that I don't know that may indeed color my judgment of them if I don't already know the person. But the difference for me is that I don't then turn around and repeat that mess not knowing if its true or not.

 

It could be true. But I'd rather find out for myself before I went down that road. That's all I am saying.

 

Why is everyone so hung up on the "seedy source" thing? If a known alcoholic told you that his mother was a drug addict, would you believe them? I mean, it could be true, but would you just automatically believe it knowing that he is an alcoholic and could just be saying it for sympathy for himself?

 

Abt the phone call--i brought that up because that was the Only form of contact I had ever had with her and based on that I can assume things abt her character.

 

 

Do I think I'm number one? Did I ever give the impression I think that? Because that's not the case or iSsue at hand at all.

[whichwayisup]

I believe everyone is related to at least one dysfunctional person.

 

I just spat out my coffee on the floor from laughing so hard! (Better the floor and not the computer screen)

 

Abt the phone call--i brought that up because that was the Only form of contact I had ever had with her and based on that I can assume things abt her character.

 

Any wife would react on the phone with the OW, whether they yell, are quiet, or just waiting to see what happens...Also, one has to remember, due to the circumstances of her calling you, well, I'm sure her frame of mind wasn't in the best of places...

[Gwyneth]

Sorry Gwen, but why should anyone talk an adult out of doing something that they know to be wrong? It's not like he is a child learning the rules of life. He is an adult. His bad situation is one that he has contributed to and he should take responsibility for his role. I have read where the BS is told to take responsibility for the demise of their marriage, aren't the MM expected to do the same, since they are the other partners in the marriage. I pray for your sake that he is what he appears to you to be.

 

If he's too grown for his friends / coworkers to talk him out of it, then how come he isn't too grown for them to be supportive of his affair with me, and talk him into it?

[OpenBook]

Sorry Gwen, but why should anyone talk an adult out of doing something that they know to be wrong?

 

Uh... Isn't this exactly what BS's claim they are doing here in the OM/OW forum??

[Gwyneth]

Uh... Isn't this exactly what BS's claim they are doing here in the OM/OW forum??

 

 

LOLOL, I'm chuckling. You are SOOO right OpenBook!

[Gwyneth]

They are supportive because they apparently find it o.k. to decieve and lie. Birds of a feather, tend flock together.

 

 

OR....and I know Many of you will disagree, but...

 

maybe they are O.K. and Supportive of his cheating because they know he's unhappy with the wife, but I make him happy--and they want him, their Friend, to be Happy.

 

I know this is Very difficult for many of you to come to terms with, but it's a possibility just like anything else.

[OWoman]

I believe everyone is related to at least one dysfunctional person.

 

And for some of us, it's ourselves

[Gwyneth]

Would you keep quite if someone on the job was doing drugs in the bathroom because you knew they were stressed at home? These situations are extreme, but so is someone life being in jeopardy.

 

Situations at the office, and situations at home are two different things. Yes, I would report someone was doing illegal deeds at the office--but if they were doing it outside the office, then I would mind my own business. Yes, I know many people who have cheated on their spouses or significant others--if I knew their SO, then yeah, I would probably tell him or her about the cheating spouse / partner, but if I didn't know that SO, then I would keep my mouth shut. It's better not to intrude in someone's life than to open your mouth and cause problems. I mind my own business; I learned the hard way to mind my own business.

[Gwyneth]

My point is, if you know someone is having an affair, you should mind your own business and stay far away from it. It's up to the spouse or OP to tell the BS--not an outsider.

[Gwyneth]

But someday I will have to answer for why I ignored what I knew to be wrong and I don't want to have to answer for that. I did tell the other BS what their wives were doing. If their names were listed in the e-mails, I informed the spouse and gave them copies of the e-mails. They had a right to know that they were exposed to potential diseases. One guys wife was screwing around with an ex-con. Who knows what he had to do in prison?

 

I think it's okay to tell the spouse of the person your spouse is cheating on You with--however, I don't think that if my neighbor is cheating, I have the right to tell their spouse. If the person is Very close to me, then yeah--tell them, but if not, then the best thing to do is to stay out of it. That's what I think. The BS needs to understand you were put in an awkward situation. Confronting the cheating spouse is okay--and insisting that if they do not tell their spouse, you will--that's okay. Making threats of course would not be okay.

[Owl]

I have to disagree...

 

If you see someone blatently doing something so horrible to their spouse as having an affair...you should tell that spouse, regardless of whether you 'know' them or not.

 

If your neighbor saw someone stealing your mail, you'd want them to tell you, right? Even if you weren't friends...the relationship doesn't matter.

 

Its the ACT that's the source of the hurt and pain to the BS...not the person who tells them about it. (Unless of course the person telling them is doing it solely with the intent TO hurt them...and so can use all the right words and such to "twist the knife".)

 

If a co-worker was regularly stealing money from your purse, you'd want someone to tell you, wouldn't you?

 

Obviously affairs are much bigger deals than what I described...but the bottom line principle is the same. The person who is being stolen from or betrayed has a RIGHT TO KNOW...and anyone should tell them the truth if they're aware of it. As a matter of fact, since the betrayal of an affair is so much bigger, it makes even MORE reason for it to be told.

[Gwyneth]

I just think you have to be careful when you rat on someone because it might come back to haunt you. The person you tell may think you are just trying to stir up some trouble. All I'm saying is please be careful when doing such a thing.

 

What you may think is doing the right thing, someone else may think you are Not doing the right thing, and then you need to watch your back.