an eye opener, i need help!

[zingy]

yes i know i have been here a gazillion times complaining about my boyfriend and blah blah blah.

 

today i had a new awakeneing just out of the blue, while i was doing my delivery route.

 

here are some notes i wrote at the time:

"today i realized that i have no goals, no future, no job prospects that i can expand on except maybe target someday, but is that what i even want?

why don't i know what i want? when i think of something i might like to do, i feel i have no motivation, guts, skills or esteem to follow through with it anway so i don't even bother to try.

what a pathetic existence or is it all a lack of commitment"?

 

then later i wrote:

"how can you be assertive when you don't even know what to say, is being assertive more of (what) you say or (how) you say it"?

 

what brought all this about is i had told my b'f that i wanted to give a two week notice to my job at target since i felt that i four hours a week now because they cut hours way back, that four hours a week is not even worth the gas to drive up there.

 

he tried in a somewhat nice way to talk me out of it, telling me he needed my help and to not quit till i got something else lined up.

 

so i agreed anyway but i felt so trapped also.

so i was driving along and thought of all the jobs i had and quit or lost for various reasons and where in the heck am i going in my life!?

 

i had no answers, it scared the crap out of me! i am 45, and i have nothing in my life to live for, to look forward to for a career or a future.

 

i thought my guy is probably better off if i left him to find someone more of his caliber.

 

though he likes to drink beer he could find someone in a bar, but they may not be professional enough for him, then someone professional may not believe in bars either and have bette things to do with their lives.

 

so i was tryng to convince myself i guess that he would/could do much better without me.

 

my head believes that my heart broke at the thought of it all too.

i felt also some relief thinking that he'd be plain ole happier with someone else, someone like him, with more in common, i feel more of a hindrance to him then anything.

 

and being stuck in this rut does not help either of us.

i just don't know what to do.

 

i know he is a good man, and does a lot for me, but i do my weight of things as well to the best of my ability.

 

but i guess now that i thought of all this stuff i am not feeling happy with myself.

 

this awakening was a good one, a positive experience, but i just honestly don't know what to do with it now.

any thoughts on this?

[zIngy]

well that way someone responds haha j/k.

[clia]

You are only in a rut because you put yourself there and keep yourself there. It's not that hard to get out of it.

 

(1) Figure out what kind of career you'd like to have, or what goals and passions you have, or what kind of life you'd like to have.

 

(2) Figure out what it will take to get you there, whether it is school, a new job, or whatever.

 

(3) Do it.

 

People do this all the time. People quit jobs and go back to school. People quit jobs and find new jobs. People do all kinds of things to achieve their life goals. It's not that hard. It's great that you've had this ephiphany, but now you need to do something about it. No one can change your life except you. You are the only person in charge of your life. Opportunities don't just come your way. You need to make them happen and put yourself in the position so that they will happen. No one else can do this for you. So, now that you've finally realized where you are, please DO SOMETHING about it. Don't focus on the short term (school loans, entry level job pay, whatever), focus on the long term. Look at where you want to be two years, five years, ten years from now. What will it take to get there?

 

though he likes to drink beer he could find someone in a bar, but they may not be professional enough for him, then someone professional may not believe in bars either and have bette things to do with their lives.

 

Lots of professionals go to the bars. I take it you've never been to happy hour? Full of lawyers, executives, stockbrokers, etc.

[LondonChick]

I really cant see which part of your letter is positive. All you have written about is what you cant do, and how your boyfriend would be better off without you. Where do all these feelings stem from?

 

You definetly need to talk to someone. Start with your boyfrined tell him how you feel, then go and talk to someone professional.