why don't men want to talk?

[annieo]

I am married, there have been some bumps re h's lying (about strip clubs) but most of the major drama is in the past, thank god. Things are good. But I have one complaint - he seems to be allergic to talking/conversation. Most of the time, I sit at the computer, he watches tv/plays xbox. Occassionally, we talk, but he never stays for long and gets irritated when I want to keep the dialogue going.

I NEED to talk, to feel connected, to hash things out, heavy or light. I feel like I spend as much time as I do on this forum (as well as on the phone with friends) to take care of my need to communicate.

I am pretty sure this is not unusual - but it is very frustrating. What should I do?

[Trialbyfire]

You can't make someone talk, who's not the communicative type. Also, your interests might differ sufficiently, that he's not interested in the dialogue or feels you're not interested in his dialogue.

 

Since you're with him and want to stay with him, if there are issues within your relationship, you have to seriously sit him down and hash it out. Don't let him leave until this is done.

 

As for the balance of your need to communicate, it's time to be less dependent on him. Increase your social circle of friends so that you have others to talk to and share interests with.

[OpenBook]

I am married, there have been some bumps re h's lying (about strip clubs) but most of the major drama is in the past, thank god. Things are good. But I have one complaint - he seems to be allergic to talking/conversation. Most of the time, I sit at the computer, he watches tv/plays xbox. Occassionally, we talk, but he never stays for long and gets irritated when I want to keep the dialogue going.

I NEED to talk, to feel connected, to hash things out, heavy or light. I feel like I spend as much time as I do on this forum (as well as on the phone with friends) to take care of my need to communicate.

I am pretty sure this is not unusual - but it is very frustrating. What should I do?

 

Yeah, most men are like that. If things are good, don't rock the boat baby! Continue doing what you're doing - fulfill your verbal communication needs with your GF's and here on LS... but don't neglect your H - make sure he stays happy. There are many ways to communicate with a man that don't involve talking... if you catch my drift.

[annieo]

All good advice, but I want to talk to him. He's my best friend.

[noturtypicalwife]

I feel you, I would love to communicate like my h and I once did. We talked about EVERYTHING, he was my friend, my best friend, he was the first guy I didn't wear make-up with, went to bed without a bra when we dated, seen me in a shower, talked about cramps, cars, whatever, and now, he is on his f%^&%*&^*^*&^PDA phone, or this computer, and anytime for conversation is easily turned into an argument, and then he ends it with "this conversation is over"....hummmm hard to tell what to do.

[Cobra_X30]

All good advice, but I want to talk to him. He's my best friend.

 

Sometimes in order to be heard, you must start by listening.

 

Show interest in something he is interested in. It may take some time... but he may wind up excited to talk with you!

[Gunny376]

Men and women's brains are different ~ primarly through evolution over thousands and thousands of years.

 

Men would leave early and go out to find something to kill to bring home to eat. Hunting ~ a activity that requires even demands very little verbal communication. It also requires depth perception, concentration, focus.

 

Women? On the other hand? Would go out in groups and gather edible food from known food plots. As part of bonding, and cross communication to mimimize duplication of effort, not required but demanded verbal communication.

 

Women has thousands of more cells more than men with which to smell, they generally have better eyesight, (larger eyes) taste, sense of touch than men. Its not that women are better than women? Its that men and women are geared toward different functions?

 

A really good book to enlighten you and to help you understand your husband, (and him ~ you) is "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes!" Its a quick and easy read, about $15 at Barnes and Noble.

[Enema]

What happened that made him stop talking?

 

I'm assuming of course you wouldn't have married him if he wasn't meeting your need for communication.

[annieo]

What happened that made him stop talking?

 

I'm assuming of course you wouldn't have married him if he wasn't meeting your need for communication.

 

You know, the way I'm feeling today, I'm almost ashamed for having started this thread. In the realm of the really horrid, soul-killing things that can happen in a relationship, my paltry little gripe doesn't seem worth the waste of space.

But to answer your question, as with most relationships, in the beginning, everything was in excess. Lots of talking, lots of affection, lots of sex, etc. etc..I am no child and I realize that no matter how great your marriage is, no couple can maintain that level of enthusiasm forever. It's just that sometimes I miss it.

But to be honest, now and then (every 2 months perhaps), we sit at the kitchen table on a Friday night, keep the tv/computer off, crack open a bottle of wine and talk for hours. About all kinds of stuff (computers, work, plans, sex, us, food, you name it). So I shouldn't really complain. I just wish we could do it once every week or so.

I sound EXACTLY like those guys who complain about how the sex was hot and plentiful in the beginning and then has slowly dwindled down! Maybe men use conversation/verbal closeness to hook women in, and then slowly let it go once they're trapped! lol:)

[OpenBook]

A really good book to enlighten you and to help you understand your husband, (and him ~ you) is "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes!" Its a quick and easy read, about $15 at Barnes and Noble.

 

Gunny, help me out here - is it OK for men to not have a clue - and more important - is it OK for us women to always need another pair of shoes??:bunny:

[norajane]

I sound EXACTLY like those guys who complain about how the sex was hot and plentiful in the beginning and then has slowly dwindled down! Maybe men use conversation/verbal closeness to hook women in, and then slowly let it go once they're trapped! lol:)

 

Of course you sound like that...those two things - sex and conversation - are about intimacy. A lack of either creates distance and disconnection from each other. Lack of closeness via talking is just as empty as a lack of closeness via sex. It's a perfectly valid concern!

 

Since you'd like it more often, maybe you can schedule in a date once a week? Why not go out to dinner and have that bottle of wine without distractions, like you did when you were dating before marriage?

[annieo]

Of course you sound like that...those two things - sex and conversation - are about intimacy. A lack of either creates distance and disconnection from each other. Lack of closeness via talking is just as empty as a lack of closeness via sex. It's a perfectly valid concern!

 

Since you'd like it more often, maybe you can schedule in a date once a week? Why not go out to dinner and have that bottle of wine without distractions, like you did when you were dating before marriage?

 

Thanks NJ, very apt connection: I honestly (duh!) never made it before (sex = intimacy, conversation = intimacy). I don't feel like I'm just a whiner now, because if the sex was slowly evaporating, I'm sure he'd be feeling it and I'd be hearing about it.

Here's the thing - just as I am sure that a man doesn't want to feel like they are begging their spouse for sex, or that their wife is just going through the motions, I've always felt like "date night" (which I realize works great for some people) was a little too contrived for my tastes. What if we have a "date" and neither one of us feels like talking (this has happened, and we end up heading home for the tv and a movie!)? Plus, life gets in the way of plans. We have two kids - what if they're ill? Needy? This week, I've been couch-bound with a horrible fever. You know the drill.

I realize that this leaves me with few options, EXCEPT that I think my h will totally get the conversation/sex/intimacy comparison (he's an analogy-driven sort). The next time I feel like chewing the fat (and he's slowly, nervously edging his way out of the room towards the xbox!), I'll mention it to him. Not only should he see the inherent logic, I think he'll realize this is about our relationship, not just my fleeting emotional/social wants.

[norajane]

I hope the analogy does help him understand!

 

As for date night, it doesn't have to be every Friday or anything. But you two should make sure to incorporate some 'alone time' without the kids on a regular basis to keep things fresh, to be adults, to chat, to reconnect, to FLIRT. It shouldn't be a chore, it's something for both of you to look forward to, just like you used to when dating.

 

You might want to pick activities for your date - like going to a concert, going Christmas shopping to pick out the gifts for the kids, go ice skating or out for ice cream. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but hold hands, flirt, talk, and when you get home, have some great sex! Maybe that will help him associate talking = intimacy = sex = intimacy = talking...

[norajane]

oops - double post

[brothermartin]

That depends. When you do talk, is it really you and him talking or is it you talking and him just listening? Do you ever ask him any loaded questions? If you do, thats why he wont talk. Guys hate loaded questions.

[annieo]

That depends. When you do talk, is it really you and him talking or is it you talking and him just listening? Do you ever ask him any loaded questions? If you do, thats why he wont talk. Guys hate loaded questions.

Fair enough, my idea of a good talk and his are very different. I think it comes down to the male/female divergence of interests, cliche as that is. I don't mind talking about the new application he is using at work for 3-D modelling of structures,or world of warcraft (online role-play game, for those who don't know it), or William Gibson novels for part of the evening, but I cannot make a night of it. And he does not get terribly enthusiastic about workplace politics/anecdotes/personality analysis or anything where we are talking about us.

And, yeah, I have leveled a few loaded questions in my time, not often, though, only when I needed the truth, or perhaps reassurance. And frankly, I don't think that either of those two things are too much to occasionally ask for in a marriage.

NJ, again thanks for the sanguine advice. Once my son's fever (now he's sick!!!) has broken, then perhaps he and I can get out for some away time.