I am exhausted by confusion

[Stuck-In-Limbo]

I posted this about a month ago, but there have been some changes since then, I was hoping someone could give me a little perspective:

 

My girlfriend and I of 4 and a half years decided to "take a break" about 2 months ago. It was about as mutual as it gets. The reasons were plenty, but mainly the problem was that she wasn't feeling loved and I was tired of hearing her tell me that she deserved better. I was completely devoted to the girl: we overcame long-distance through college; we shared every major experience up to this point in our lives. I would have given her everything that she wanted (move in together, marriage, etc), all she needed to do was give me just a little bit of time to get myself grounded after I graduated. It hurt so bad to be so devoted to someone and feel as though it is still not good enough. Near the end, she was actually saying to my face that “she deserves better”. It hurt so bad to hear that from the one I love.

 

So we decided to take a break. It was very mutual. However, my expectations were that after a few weeks she would realize how good I was to her and she would change, or maybe I would realize the things that I needed to change. What I didn't expect to happen is what the reality is now. The night after we broke up, she called me, devastated, having a panic attack, and wanting me to go over and help calm her down. I couldn't rationally bring myself to go see her because I felt that it was her trying to stop the break from happening, and that we truly needed some time apart to make things work. It was so painful to know that my best friend was hurting though. She told me the next day that she actually had to call the paramedics. I felt so terrible. She was furious with me, and refused to take any of my calls over the next few days checking if she was ok. Eventually, we went back and forth a few times via email, and agreed to just take some serious time and then go back to being friends. I was still holding onto the hope that she would realize what she needed to change, and we could move forward together.

 

I approached her about 2 and a half weeks after the initial break up with the intention of working things out now that I had taken some time to think, and I was devastated to see she had in many ways already moved on. As a matter of fact, when I went to see her she had to “leave early” to go see someone. It was very hard to comprehend.

 

I realized that I had to salvage what was left of the relationship and go see her and profess my love. I wrote a nice letter, brought her some flowers and read it to her. What I wrote wasn’t an admission that I would take the sole responsibility for the break-up on my shoulders, just that I was willing to change if she was as well. I was completely distraught when she didn’t reciprocate. No only that, but she dropped a massive bomb on me: she has hooked up with someone else in just the short time during our break. We finished our conversation in a mature fashion, and I told her that I was still willing to change and that I could look past the fact that she had done that. She told me that she needed time to think, and that she would still be willing to give us a second chance, but we needed to take it very slowly.

 

After this I slowly devolved into an emotional wreck, and started blaming myself so much for what has happened. I would have truly given anything to have it how it was before. I figured, however, that my honesty with her would show how much I love her and perhaps her one-night-stand was just a phase she would get over. It is almost as if she had become a different person in order to get over the break-up. She became very cold and brutally honest about how she doesn’t want to get back with me right now, but then she says that she does really want to give us a chance in the future. It was at that point that I decided I wasn't going to go crawling back to her on my stomach anymore, because she had complete power and control over me.

 

It was at that moment that the power began to shift and I saw a change in her demeanor towards me. We saw each other in our hometown over Thanksgiving, and it was friendly at first, but then it began to get awkward when she started throwing herself at me in a strictly physical way. Intimacy was one thing that her and I never had a problem with, and in many ways it helped keep our relationship together for so long. We ended up in bed together and I ended up even more confused, because I had spent all of that time getting over her. And to top it all off, she dropped a second bomb on me: she had another one-night-stand with a different guy in between the time when I confessed my love for her and Thanksgiving.

 

When we got back to the city where we both live, she called me and we decided to meet for coffee. Her plan was this: for us to start dating each other again, casually at first, while still seeing other people. She was basically asking me to share the girl I had spent 4 and a half years of devotion with with other people, and was very liberal in offering up information about her potential dates. I told her that I dont think I could ever see myself having a romantic relationship with her again, because I am so confused right now and feel like I dont even know who she is anymore. I still care about her and have great respect for her, so I dont want to resort to undermining her character and thinking of her as a "slut" or anything, but I do think that she has made some really poor decisions and that she is not at all reminding me of the girl I used to know.

 

Basically, I know that I need to move on, and I could do that, but like I said, I would give anything to be back with her again and have it the way it was. With everything that has happened, however, I feel like there would be so many hurdles for us to get over. I was always in control but it seems now that things have escalated so much they are no longer salvageable. I am still trying to comprehend the fact that she hooked up with multiple random guys right after we split, and I am trying to push it out of my mind. I mean, she may have even done so since we last spoke, which was about a week ago. It is not like she cheated on me, we were on a break, but since I am still so much in love with her it definitely feels that way. It feels like if she hadn’t done that, things would more likely be salvageable, but it seems like such a major hurdle now. She has told me that we still have a chance, but she wants to take it really slow. I am scared of these new hurdles that have been created, and I am scared that what I am missing has completely disappeared and simply no longer exists. I miss what her and I had before, but I am slowly coming to the realization that it can probably never exist on that plane again.

 

So the question is this, do we stay friends? Do we stay friends with benefits as she has also suggested (which is ridiculous I know, but hard not to consider given how good our intimacy was)? Do I try to give her another chance (which also scares me because I doubt her sincerity)? Or do I just cut her off completely and move on with my life?

 

I am usually a very confident and rational person, so all of this is very new territory for me and has left me utterly confused. I feel these whirlwind type emotions that go 180 degrees in a second, it is a very trying time for me and any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.