Wife likes to go out - am I insecure?

[egetrop]

I've known my wife for 10 years. We've been married for 2 years. Right now our relationship may be in the verge of separation because of my paranoia or my distrust in her. She has never cheated on me in as many times as she has gone out with the girls. She lets me know if she is going out but is not very detailed as to where, sometimes with who (actual names), or when she will come back. It's usually something like "I'm going to have a few drinks with some co-workers be home late". I've asked her to call me just to let me know if she is ok every few hours but she doesn't. Am I controlling by asking that? She swears she is just having a good time and I think she is sincere and honest. There are no other signs that she could be having an affair 'cause we still do things as a couple together and overall we treat eachother with love & care. Am I just paranoid? Is it ok for a married woman to go out at night to the bars to relieve stress and never check in with her husband every few hours? The latest she has been home was 7am. She never called me and we got into a terrible fight and that is why we're on the verge of perhaps separation because somehow I cannot stand it. She says that she will never cheat on me and understands the dangers out there (getting too drunk & worst, driving drunk, guys hitting on her or trying to pick her up). She just wants a little freedom and that I should not worry as much. Most of our fights is about her going out. Am I stupid? Insecure? Can anyone relate?

[Moose]

Is it ok for a married woman to go out at night to the bars to relieve stress and never check in with her husband every few hours?

Personally, I don't think it is.

 

Try turning the tables on her. See how she likes it if you do it. But instead of going to bars, find something a little more constructive like an all night fitness center.....

[Woggle]

If she is just hanging out with friends don't make a big deal. If you try to control her social life you will eventually drive her away and it will become a power struggle. Besides if she wants to cheat she will no matter how much you think you are in control. If she cheats deal with it from there but don't try to control her like you are her father.

[JamesM]

I've known my wife for 10 years. We've been married for 2 years. Right now our relationship may be in the verge of separation because of my paranoia or my distrust in her. She has never cheated on me in as many times as she has gone out with the girls.

 

Is it ok for a married woman to go out at night to the bars to relieve stress and never check in with her husband every few hours? The latest she has been home was 7am.

 

She just wants a little freedom and that I should not worry as much. Most of our fights is about her going out. Am I stupid? Insecure? Can anyone relate?

 

I was thinking you were paranoid until I got to the "out until 7am" part. If she is out that late and doesn't bother to call, then I think this shows a lack of respect for your feelings. Yes, it is good if she goes out with the girl once in awhile, but when she is out until morning, then I would be seeing a red flag. The fact that you have such fights over nights out with girls....well, I would be concerned.

 

I can see if she was worried about her freedom because you never let her out or you "made" her come in by 10pm or something. But when she is staying out until 7am and not wanting to spend the time with you, then I would be worried.

 

But maybe that is just me.

[sweet_31_woman]

While I do think it is ok to have girls night out and just be a woman, some of her actions are questionable. Not telling you where she is going, or with who, If thee is nothing to hide, then why hide it? As for coming home at 7am in the morning? Bars close at 2am, where does she say she is for 5 hours. If she is not too drunk to drive to a friends for the rest of the night, she should be ok to drive home. I am not an expert...but this would be a good sign of infedelity. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but I really think you should definately "surprise" her by showing up where she is, or follow her some night and just watch. You may find out you're worring for nothing...but you may also find out she is not who you think she is.

[bish]

Going out with friends is one thing...going out to clubs or bars drinking and coming home at 2 to 4 in the morning is another.

 

In my experience..no good can come of one spouse going out with friends drinking and coming home late. You are not married to a wife if that is the case, you are married to a college sophomore.

 

How late does she stay out? If she goes for drinks and comes home at 11 or 12....hmmm..well...I wouldn't say its all that bad. But then again, my cheating XW stayed out til 4 am a few times, but alot of the times it was midnight.

 

Sorry, in my opinion, it is not acceptable to be going out and partying and staying out late. having a few drinks and being home at a decent hour...thats your call.

[bish]

Oh I just saw...she came home at 7am? Oh hell no...that is NOT ACCEPTABLE. You say she wasn't cheating...how do you know?

 

I cannot imagine being in a committed relationship or married and coming home the next morning after partying. Let me guess....you have kids and she makes you stay home with them while she goes out and whoops it up, right?

[bish]

If she is just hanging out with friends don't make a big deal. If you try to control her social life you will eventually drive her away

 

And that might not be a bad thing...cuz all in all honesty...it sounds like something isn't right here...the woman comes home at 7am after not calling him all night? Oh hell no. Of course she wouldn't call him if she is with another man. I know I know.."Bish, you are jumping the gun".....sorry all...too many red flags here.

 

And if they get into huge fights because she goes out, parties and stays out till the wee hours of the morning, and he doesn't like it and she cares more about partying than his feelings...then maybe she does need to be dumped...cheating or not.

 

but my gut is that she is.

[Mz. Pixie]

Personally, I don't think it is.

 

 

I agree with Moose.

 

and with James- I thought you might be paranoid until you got to the 7 am part.

 

Borrow a friends car and get a sitter and follow her one night. Don't let her know what's going on. Then you can see for yourself if it's innocent or not.

 

My husband's exwife did this to him when she was cheating. Eventually she wasn't coming in until 8:00 am. Guess what? She had another man.

 

I wouldn't tolerate this type of behavior from my SO.

[LoveLace]

7am?...eek...that's beyond "a little freedom" I think...if she isn't cheating then what is she doing until then? And if it's just a matter of crashing at a friends' instead of driving drunk...she should call to let you know that.

 

I personally would like it if my husband (hypothetical here cuz i don't have a husband) called me at least once while I was out, or while he was out, just to "check in", see how it's going, whatever. 7am is a sign of cheating to me, so is being non-specific or not returning calls...but you sound confident in thinking cheating isn't the problem...

 

I don't have any advice but I dont blame you for feeling a little frustrated right now.

[bish]

If you don't have kids with her...just get an anullment. I say she is probably cheating...and if she isn't...I'd be freakin' surprised.

 

Either way, its unacceptable for a spouse to go out partying without the other, stay out until the next morning...and without so much as a phone call.

 

Why isn't she calling you? Out of sight out of mind...thats why.

Trust me...you don't need this sh##t.

[reboot]

I'll add my voice to the mix. Not appropriate. Not even close.

[Citizen Erased]

It is nowhere near acceptable. Girls nights are one thing. But coming home at 7 in the morning with not so much as a phone call during the night is just plain wrong.

[egetrop]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel the same way as most of you. I just wanted to verify that I wasn't wrong for reacting the way I did. Now it's just trying to get that through her head.

[Woggle]

I just don't see the big deal. I consider myself a night owl so I stay out late all the time without cheating. She is an adult and if she wants to stay out late fine but if he catches her cheating he should leave her betraying that trust. This is why cheating is so wrong in a marriage. In order for a marriage to survive you need trust but cheating kills that trust which then slowly kills the marriage.

[Phateless]

It's POSSIBLE she's just out whooping it up, but not inviting you to go with is a bad sign. I say the next time she does that YOU don't be there when she gets home. Quick way to flip the tables on her and her reaction will tell you a lot. From what I've heard, the people who are super paranoid and suspicious of cheating are usually cheaters themselves.

[bish]

I just don't see the big deal. I consider myself a night owl so I stay out late all the time without cheating.

 

So if your wife wanted to go out drinking and to clubs all the time, never wanted you to come along, didn't call you all night(obviously cuz out of sight out of mind)...and came home at 7am...you'd be fine with that?

[reboot]

So if your wife wanted to go out drinking and to clubs all the time, never wanted you to come along, didn't call you all night(obviously cuz out of sight out of mind)...and came home at 7am...you'd be fine with that?

I think our Woggle got taken over by an alien.

[polywog]

Why don't you just ask her why she "needs" to be out until 7AM and grit your teeth and listen without blowing up. Her answer might be interesting, if you are non-reactive and just listen.

 

Then, if necessary, you start doing the same.... even if it means calling up a buddy and crashing on his couch.

 

I'm not really a fan of game playing, but sometimes things like this break open into an honest dialogue, as long as one is open to not getting into a battle and being defensive/offensive. I know, easier said than done... but think about whether the effort is worth it, and just see what happens.

 

I think she is testing you, by the way. Not good, but maybe there is something to it. Good Luck, I mean it.

[whichwayisup]

How often is she going out, drinking and hanging out with friends and co-workers?

 

If this is once a week thing, then I wouldn't worry about it - Though there is no reason why she can't check in with you, that is just a common courtesy thing that spouses should do for eachother..BUT, if she is going out afew times a week AND on the weekends as well, yes, that is too much time partying it up, being away from you. IF this is the case, then I would have to wonder how mature she is, and wonder what her priorities are.

 

Have you ever gone with her? Has she invited you to go out?

 

I wouldn't say she is cheating on you, but she is enjoying acting 'single' too much. Married folks can and should be able to go out with their friends, have 'girl' time, but if it's in a bar week after week, night after night, something is really wrong. Either she has insecurity issues and likes attention by being out in the bars, or she is reverting back and partying it up is more important to her than your marriage.

[egetrop]

She goes out maybe 2-3 times a week...that was a lot & just recently. Sometimes none at all and we'd stay home. So it's not every week or weekend. She lets me know beforehand too. I've gone with her in the past but I'm not much of a drinker. We still go out with friends as well. It's just recently with these new friends/co-workers that her behavior has changed.