MM's coworker asked if I'm his girlfriend...

[Gwyneth]

I was shocked, to say the least

 

I shreeked "NOOOOOO," and then MM said to the guy, "what kind of question is that?"

 

It started by the guy asking if I know MM, and I said "something like that." Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

 

Anyway, my question for all you OW is, when asked a question like this, what do you usually say in response?

 

Afterward, MM and I talked about it, as he was still surprised the guy asked if I was the girlfriend, and I kind of turned the situation around saying to MM that we are nothing because he insisted no feelings--just pleasure (no strings attached). I can tell he didn't like my response but...Oh Well!!!

 

But his girlfriend? That's a little extreme.

[Owl]

Why are you shocked that someone asked that?

 

There are all kinds of subtle clues...body language, relative positioning, verbal cues, eye contact...

 

All kinds of ways that others often pick up on...even subliminally, not realizing what it was specifically that keyed them in.

 

This stuff is also a key reason why BS's get that 'gut feeling' about an affair.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sure everyone in your office knows. That's just how it is. I've been working at this one place for more than ten years and its always obvious who is doing who, and everyone talks about it behind their backs. More than one person has been fired for it, too - where I work has a clearly stated fraternization policy and those who have broken it have invariably been fired or relocated.

 

Does your work have a fraternization policy? You may want to look into that. Once the office rumors start its only a matter of time before someone files a complaint about it and HR steps in.

 

As for what to say? Your best bet for getting you both out of this is to cut off all non-business interactions and make sure there is never a time where you and he can be caught 'alone'. Always leave doors open, and keep things strictly professional. If you are good at the lie/deny thing the rumors may die down, but understand that if even one person has it out for either of you (or someone there is 'looking out for the wife')- you may find yourself in some increasingly hot water both at work and in your personal lives.

[Gwyneth]

Why are you shocked that someone asked that?

 

There are all kinds of subtle clues...body language, relative positioning, verbal cues, eye contact...

 

All kinds of ways that others often pick up on...even subliminally, not realizing what it was specifically that keyed them in.

 

This stuff is also a key reason why BS's get that 'gut feeling' about an affair.

 

This is exactly what I told MM. I have seen this man before but he never knew I had a connection to MM.

 

LucreziaBorgia,

 

We don't work together. I pass through his work on my way to work, but yesterday I went there to hang out with him while he was on his break.

 

MM and I barely made any conversation or contact in front of this man, so he must be Really good at picking up body language, or MM and I must be That strong.

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ah, well at least you don't have to worry about professional problems. Body language is not hard to read. When two people are intimately involved their body language shows it. People pick up on that quite simply.

 

The only thing that would worry me is someone at his office who would take it upon themselves to get involved simply on general principle, and tell the wife (anonymously or otherwise) because its the 'right thing to do'. That happened where I work, and two people in high up positions who were having an affair lost their jobs because of it.

 

If you are acting like a girlfriend and other people are noticing it and commenting on it, a Dday isn't too far off in your future. Just be aware of that.

[EnigmasMuse]

If you are acting like a girlfriend and other people are noticing it and commenting on it, a Dday isn't too far off in your future. Just be aware of that.

 

I agree. A spilling of the beans is near, if it hasn't happenend already.

[Owl]

I've got to agree too...odds are high that you and MM are about to be busted.

[noforgiveness]

I bet you enjoyed that question didn't you? Felt complimented? Felt like you were the perfect fit if someone thought you were together?

[Owl]

"...or MM and I must be That strong."

 

Your question was answered before you asked it.

 

 

Gwyn- You've got to see how risky this relationship is if you're being asked about it at this point. It sounds like time for NC to save your job, to me.

[Mustang Sally]

Gwyneth,

Just be careful about "methinks the lady doth protest too much." That could give you away, also.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I shreeked "NOOOOOO," and then MM said to the guy, "what kind of question is that?"

 

Well, your reaction probably answered his question.

It started by the guy asking if I know MM, and I said "something like that." Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

 

And this just made his antenna go up even more.

 

I know you don't work 'with' him, but obviously people are noticing that you are around the MM and can see 'something' is going on, otherwise that guy never would have approached you and asked you such a question. People aren't stupid and who knows WHO has seen you two together out having lunch, spending time together.

[stillafool]

Don't be surprised if MM starts pulling back now.

[Gwyneth]

Many of his coworkers know. I don't think they know his wife, well one of the guys does but he's actually really cool about MM and I hanging out while he's on break. He invites me in and what not. I highly doubt any of his coworkers would rat him out--they all have some kind of secret from their wives whether it be OW or other personal issues.

 

The guy who asked me if I'm the MM's gf never even saw us together before. I walked into where the guy was sitting, following the MM, then I sat down, and MM sat down next to the other guy and then the other guy asked the question. I think maybe MM and I were casually talking, so maybe he read the MM's body language. He couldn't really see me as I was sitting behind another chair and my head was down.

 

noforgiveness

 

I bet you enjoyed that question didn't you? Felt complimented? Felt like you were the perfect fit if someone thought you were together?

 

 

NO, I didn't feel good about it. I felt weird, which is why I'm posting this as a question. I'm not a teeny bopper.

[bish]

I was shocked, to say the least

 

I shreeked "NOOOOOO," and then MM said to the guy, "what kind of question is that?"

 

It started by the guy asking if I know MM, and I said "something like that." Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

 

Anyway, my question for all you OW is, when asked a question like this, what do you usually say in response?

 

Afterward, MM and I talked about it, as he was still surprised the guy asked if I was the girlfriend, and I kind of turned the situation around saying to MM that we are nothing because he insisted no feelings--just pleasure (no strings attached). I can tell he didn't like my response but...Oh Well!!!

 

But his girlfriend? That's a little extreme.

 

Would you have rather him ask if you were his mistress/thing on the side?

[noforgiveness]

Many of his coworkers know. I don't think they know his wife, well one of the guys does but he's actually really cool about MM and I hanging out while he's on break. He invites me in and what not. I highly doubt any of his coworkers would rat him out--they all have some kind of secret from their wives whether it be OW or other personal issues.

 

The guy who asked me if I'm the MM's gf never even saw us together before. I walked into where the guy was sitting, following the MM, then I sat down, and MM sat down next to the other guy and then the other guy asked the question. I think maybe MM and I were casually talking, so maybe he read the MM's body language. He couldn't really see me as I was sitting behind another chair and my head was down.

 

noforgiveness

 

I bet you enjoyed that question didn't you? Felt complimented? Felt like you were the perfect fit if someone thought you were together?

 

 

NO, I didn't feel good about it. I felt weird, which is why I'm posting this as a question. I'm not a teeny bopper.

 

Well if he's never seen you with mm that just means that his work has been gossiping about him having a gf. You do realize that don't you?

[Trimmer]

The guy who asked me if I'm the MM's gf never even saw us together before. I walked into where the guy was sitting, following the MM, then I sat down, and MM sat down next to the other guy and then the other guy asked the question. I think maybe MM and I were casually talking, so maybe he read the MM's body language.

Just the fact that a woman would show up to "hang out" with a married man at his work is enough to start someone wondering. So he asked a simple question, just whether you know your MM. Then I love your response:

 

It started by the guy asking if I know MM, and I said "something like that." Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Heh, heh. Ya think? That's an answer of someone who's being coy, who has a secret, and wants other people to wonder what the mystery is. For whatever reason - whether you are tired of being second fiddle, whether you are tired of having to be careful, to keep the secret - something within you decided to be coy and swirl up the mystery. The answer you gave actually was probably more damaging than if you had just said "yes" in a matter of fact way.

 

I was shocked, to say the least

 

I shreeked "NOOOOOO," and then MM said to the guy, "what kind of question is that?"

So first you reply "something like that" to the "do you know him" question, then you act surprised and shriek and both jump in to vehemently protest at the girlfriend question.

 

Let's put it this way: many people are good judges - even subconsciously; the "gut feel" - of when others are uncomfortably hiding things. Not so many people are good actors, and able to effectively hide thing when confronted face-to-face.

 

 

Afterward, MM and I talked about it, as he was still surprised the guy asked if I was the girlfriend, and I kind of turned the situation around saying to MM that we are nothing because he insisted no feelings--just pleasure (no strings attached). I can tell he didn't like my response but...Oh Well!!!

 

But his girlfriend? That's a little extreme.

Your focus has shifted a little bit here. It sounds like you aren't talking any more about the "girlfriend" question from the co-worker, but about your MM's characterization of your relationship. Is that what you are finding extreme - his belief (related through his displeasure) that you are his "girlfriend?"

 

Sounds like everybody thinks you're his girlfriend, except you.

[LittleFlower]

Many of his coworkers know. I don't think they know his wife, well one of the guys does but he's actually really cool about MM and I hanging out while he's on break. He invites me in and what not. I highly doubt any of his coworkers would rat him out--they all have some kind of secret from their wives whether it be OW or other personal issues.

 

The guy who asked me if I'm the MM's gf never even saw us together before. I walked into where the guy was sitting, following the MM, then I sat down, and MM sat down next to the other guy and then the other guy asked the question. I think maybe MM and I were casually talking, so maybe he read the MM's body language. He couldn't really see me as I was sitting behind another chair and my head was down.

 

.

 

And down is exactly where your head should stay, hanging in shame.

 

You really think that no one will tell, all it takes is someone to take a dislike to you or MM and BANG !, your secret is out.

 

You sound so proud of yourself.

[Gwyneth]

LittleFlower

And down is exactly where your head should stay, hanging in shame.

Thank you! I'll keep it down since I should be ashamed of being a human being.

 

You really think that no one will tell, all it takes is someone to take a dislike to you or MM and BANG !, your secret is out.

Oh Well!!!!

 

You sound so proud of yourself.

Please, show me proof of where I sound "Proud" of myself! I do not believe I expressed pride anywhere in this thread.

 

Trimmer

Just the fact that a woman would show up to "hang out" with a married man at his work is enough to start someone wondering. So he asked a simple question, just whether you know your MM. Then I love your response:

I don't really want to say what the MM does for a living, but where I was is a public place and in order to get from point A to point B, I would be there. So, this other person, who was also going to point B from point A, would have no idea I was there to visit the MM. I was there for the same reason he was there.

 

Originally Posted by Gwyneth

It started by the guy asking if I know MM, and I said "something like that." Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

 

Heh, heh. Ya think? That's an answer of someone who's being coy, who has a secret, and wants other people to wonder what the mystery is. For whatever reason - whether you are tired of being second fiddle, whether you are tired of having to be careful, to keep the secret - something within you decided to be coy and swirl up the mystery. The answer you gave actually was probably more damaging than if you had just said "yes" in a matter of fact way.

I was just surprised the guy asked me. He was sitting in front of me so couldnt' see me, and when I walked into the area he was, I didn't really look at him, I just went to sit down. I was shocked to be asked such a question. He could've asked MM, not me. He doesn't even know me--he knows MM.

 

Originally Posted by Gwyneth

I was shocked, to say the least

 

I shreeked "NOOOOOO," and then MM said to the guy, "what kind of question is that?"

 

So first you reply "something like that" to the "do you know him" question, then you act surprised and shriek and both jump in to vehemently protest at the girlfriend question.

 

Let's put it this way: many people are good judges - even subconsciously; the "gut feel" - of when others are uncomfortably hiding things. Not so many people are good actors, and able to effectively hide thing when confronted face-to-face.

 

I was put on the spot. I didn't want to come off rude like "yuck, no way." I also didn't want to come off obvious, but when put on the spot, you do come off obvious.

 

Originally Posted by Gwyneth

Afterward, MM and I talked about it, as he was still surprised the guy asked if I was the girlfriend, and I kind of turned the situation around saying to MM that we are nothing because he insisted no feelings--just pleasure (no strings attached). I can tell he didn't like my response but...Oh Well!!!

 

But his girlfriend? That's a little extreme.

 

Your focus has shifted a little bit here. It sounds like you aren't talking any more about the "girlfriend" question from the co-worker, but about your MM's characterization of your relationship. Is that what you are finding extreme - his belief (related through his displeasure) that you are his "girlfriend?"

 

Sounds like everybody thinks you're his girlfriend, except you.

MM and I never discussed what our status is...other than this is a no strings attached ordeal. That would indicate to me we are not dating or bf/gf. I do not think he thinks I'm his gf--we never talked about that. We never discussed what we are, other than friends with benefits.

 

Should we discuss what we are??? I'm not ready for that. Or am I? I'm confused. Should I ask him?

 

[whichwayisup]

...other than this is a no strings attached ordeal. That would indicate to me we are not dating or bf/gf. I do not think he thinks I'm his gf--we never talked about that. We never discussed what we are, other than friends with benefits.

 

Gwen, the thing is, it seems to be unspoken that there are strings attached, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten upset last week when he chose to spend time with his wife, over spending time with you. Friends have a mutual respect and don't need to ask where they stand - They just know. And, most friends don't go crushing on the eachother, have benefits with eachother either.

 

I'm confused about the benefits thing, at times you say he is your lover, but then you've also said you two don't kiss or fool around, or have sex.

 

Don't ask him, what is the point? Honestly, if you do, I think you'll be even more confused and get hurt. He is married, has a wife and the friendship you two have now is eventually going to do alot of damage to his marriage - And along the way do alot of damage to you as well.

[nadiaj2727]

Should we discuss what we are??? I'm not ready for that. Or am I? I'm confused. Should I ask him?

 

I'm not sure why you're confused about what you "are". You are the person with whom he is emotionally and physically cheating on his wife (no matter what stage the physical part is at). That's all you are to him, sorry, but there's no need to be confused about that part at least.

[Gwyneth]

Gwen, the thing is, it seems to be unspoken that there are strings attached, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten upset last week when he chose to spend time with his wife, over spending time with you. Friends have a mutual respect and don't need to ask where they stand - They just know. And, most friends don't go crushing on the eachother, have benefits with eachother either.

 

I'm confused about the benefits thing, at times you say he is your lover, but then you've also said you two don't kiss or fool around, or have sex.

 

Don't ask him, what is the point? Honestly, if you do, I think you'll be even more confused and get hurt. He is married, has a wife and the friendship you two have now is eventually going to do alot of damage to his marriage - And along the way do alot of damage to you as well.

 

You misread what I said. I said we kiss, snuggle, hug, talk, hold hands, but do not have sex of any sort.

 

Yes, I was angry but I had no right to be--I just get angry when I have PMS for no reason, and it is usually taken out on him. He knows and understand I get like that every month. We both misunderstood each other so no hurt feelings--we're both over that.

 

I use the term "lover" loosly. What else am I to call him--my boy toy? I think Lover is nicer. Don't look so much into that I call him my Lover--it has no meaning. I call him Lover Boy...it's an inside joke I guess.

[whichwayisup]

So, if he cancelled plans with you and said sorry, but I need to go somewhere with my wife, family function - And you weren't PMS'ing, you wouldn't be upset, feel hurt and react? Or would you be completley understanding and not get upset, feel jealous that he is choosing to be with his wife over you.

 

It's your life, and you're going to do what you want - Just know, the longer you have him in your life this way, the deeper your own feelings will develop for him, the harder it will be to detach, let alone let ANY other man into your heart. You're very emotionally attached to him.

[Gwyneth]

So, if he cancelled plans with you and said sorry, but I need to go somewhere with my wife, family function - And you weren't PMS'ing, you wouldn't be upset, feel hurt and react? Or would you be completley understanding and not get upset, feel jealous that he is choosing to be with his wife over you.

 

It's your life, and you're going to do what you want - Just know, the longer you have him in your life this way, the deeper your own feelings will develop for him, the harder it will be to detach, let alone let ANY other man into your heart. You're very emotionally attached to him.

 

I wouldn't be upset--why would I? We didn't have plans--we had an Idea. I know he's married and has a family. I went into this knowing all of this so there are No surprises or hurt feelings.

 

I'm always PMS'ing

[JamesM]

When I was Operations manager, I became very in tune to who had relationships with whom. The signals are there, one just needs to read them. Sometimes they are the most obvious to strangers who don't know you as well.

 

And the most honest replies are those given when no notice is given. Always be prepared for those unexpected moments. The next person who puts you on the spot may be a friend of the wife.

 

BTW, some good responses include comments like..."yes, we are" and laugh. Then look at him and say, "Wouldn't your wife love that?" This will be better than a denial.

[Owl]

OK...now I'm a little confused. You've said:

 

You misread what I said. I said we kiss, snuggle, hug, talk, hold hands, but do not have sex of any sort.

 

 

And you've said:

LOL

 

Yes, I have seen it and touched it, but it has Never been anywhere near my mouth. Yuck. I said He takes his winky wink out--I don't take it out for him.

 

 

This is mutually exclusive. While its not the actual "act"...its sexual activity. Given this, I can see why you'd call him 'lover', even if he's not.

 

Can you see why this might throw people off in understanding what's going on?

 

It also sounds to me like the two of you have completely different 'intentions' here. You're not interested in a sexual relationship...he clearly is.