Close friends with ex but won't let me meet her

[brneyedgrl333]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 17 months. I love this man dearly but we have had our share of problems. When we are together, things are wonderful...we enjoy each other's company, we laugh, we love, we live. It's when we are not together that the problems arise. He was married for 14 years (as was I) and we both have 2 children each from our marriages. I have a very surface relationship with my ex and we only speak when necessary about the children. My boyfriend's situation is different. He has a very close, very connected relationship with his ex. They speak on a daily basis and see each other several times a week. I guess I could accept this more openly if he would let me meet the ex. That's right, I have never even laid eyes on her. She is still in love with him and has told him that she believes they are meant to be and WILL be back together eventually. She is the one that left him and the marriage in the first place! She was a manipulator and said some very harsh things to him that he still talks about to this day. She had no desire to get back together with him until he and I started dating. Then she started laying it on heavy. When my boyfriend told her that he did not want to get back together with her and wanted to make things work with me, she resorted to some desperate tactics. She left her job in the middle of the day, left notes for the kids and for my boyfriend and got on a bus. Of course, she let my boyfriend know that she was leaving, hoping that he would run after her. My boyfriend never shared with me the contents of the letters - just said that they were sad. She eventually came back and confessed that she was leaving town so she could go kill herself but she just couldn't do it. I have had two separate occasions where "someone" has let me know that they had spent time together and had sex or that they were seen together in public all over each other. (My boyfriend swears that it wasn't true.) My suspicions are that it is her finding a way to try to break us up but my boyfriend refuses to believe that she is capable of such things. She told him from the beginning that it would be uncomfortable for her to see me with him so he has made every effort to keep me away from her. He assures me that the friendship is purely platonic. That he has no intentions of ever going back to her and that I just need to trust him. He cheated on me with her in the beginning of our relationship but promises that it has not happened since. He won't talk on his cell phone with her when I am around. He tried it once and she hung up on him because he was "being different" than he normally is with her and she could tell that I was there with him. He has been attending codependents annonymous. Anyone who knows anything about codependents, knows that they have this irrational need to please everyone. I know this has a lot to do with it but he tells me that he WANTS to be her friend. That he's known her for 20 years and he doesn't want to give up her friendship. He can't give me a good reason why he doesn't include me in that friendship. I have asked on many occasions to please just let me into that part of his life. But to this day, it hasn't happened. He wants me to just trust him. I have tried very hard, so very hard to do just that. It isn't working and I'm really scared now. I want so much for him to be the one. We are so incredible on so many levels. My heart is completely full of love for him. If it was just a healthy friendship between the two of them like he says it is, I would be involved. Right? She seems to have him wrapped around her little finger and knows that. She pretends to be supportive of his decision to be with me but then controls the situation by making sure he knows that she doesn't want to meet me. I need some good advice. Especially from anyone who has had a similar situation. Is there anyone who has gone through this and was able to make it work in the long run? Please respond.

[Carbine]

Just going by the title alone, this clearly means one thing: He does not trust one of you. Most likely because that person will ruin his chances with the other. Now you just have to figure out if it's you or her.

[whichwayisup]

She is still in love with him and has told him that she believes they are meant to be and WILL be back together eventually.

 

And there's your reason for you two not to meet. He is more than likely preventing a blow-up and having to deal with two jealous women.

 

And, I hate to say it, but he isn't over her as he is very aware of her feelings, trying to protect her. Not sure if something physical is going on between them, but the feelings are still there.

[oppath]

If it was just a healthy friendship between the two of them like he says it is, I would be involved. Right?

 

Right.

 

Give him an ultimatum. Her feelings should not come before yours. They are not JUST FRIENDS unless you are involved. It doesn't matter if you have been exclusive for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. If you are exclusive, if you are friends with an ex, you involve your new SO so they can witness that your friendship is appropriate. If someone does not do that, and do it immediately upon agreeing to be boyfriend and girlfriend when the opportunity arises, they are not ready for a relationship because they don't have room in their hearts to put you first, to even try.

[oppath]

And there's your reason for you two not to meet. He is more than likely preventing a blow-up and having to deal with two jealous women.

 

And, I hate to say it, but he isn't over her as he is very aware of her feelings, trying to protect her. Not sure if something physical is going on between them, but the feelings are still there.

 

Good point. My ex would hang out with her ex and she wouldn't even tell him about me. Of course I had a problem with it. I have no idea if anything physical happened or not. When he learned about me, he proposed to her. She said no but concealed it from me. Some of her friends, who were best friends with him, did not know about me 6 months later. There is a good chance there was physical cheating, at least cuddling and kissing, but that does not matter.

 

She didn't want to hurt his feelings. She did not want to risk him blowing up at her for moving on right away, etc.

 

What it meant? She was not ready for a relationship.

 

Again, once you are exclusive with someone, they should not be hanging out with an ex unless you are invited along, and if they are even talking, the ex should know about you. If those things do not happen, ask "are you ready for a new relationship?" If they truly were, ex's would not be an issue. If you can't tell an ex "I am in a relationship" and bring the new bf/gf along, then quite honestly, they are not just friends and probably should not be speaking, or they should not be dating you because they are not ready.

[Racquel Colette]

She didn't want to hurt his feelings. She did not want to risk him blowing up at her for moving on right away, etc.

 

What it meant? She was not ready for a relationship.

 

 

 

You are very naive, my friend. What it meant was not what you stated but that she was just not that into you, not that she wasn't ready for a relationship. she just didn't want one with you.