Am I being overly jealous and stupid? How can I deal with this?

[Man_in_Black]

This all started about a month ago. My girlfriend made a joke comment about a new guy who started at her work, basically saying how attractive he was and making a suggestive face. No big deal. I deal with that kind of stuff from her a lot and it doesn't really bother me. I mention it's not a very clever comment to make though, and she assures me that although he is attractive, she isn't at all interested.

 

She's got to know him well and has discovered he's a very nice person and they have a lot in common. My insecurities started to show at this point, and after some baiting, she admitted he was her type and she'd like to date him if she was single. Again though, she re-assures me she isn't interested and is perfectly happy with me. She reasons that she can't help "knowing" that he's attractive and a nice person, but doesn't actually have romantic or sexual feelings for him.

 

My problem is, I can't help feeling things might develop into something more. A while ago, she found herself attracted and a little obsessed with my own brother, and pushed me to the limits in regards to that. We argued a lot over it but she now realises she was in the wrong and accepts I had every reason to be insecure and jealous. She insists she's changed and won't "push me" like she has before. She just wants to be this guy at works friend.

 

I believe that she believes that. But I'm incredibly scared that she may not be able to help herself. That she'll put too much thought into how attractive and nice he is, and in turn, how less attractive I am, and how I'm not as nice a person. We've had some problems in the past and I've been quite mean to her, and she recognises I can be a bit of bastard sometimes. Also, although she insists she finds me attractive, I've put on quite a bit of weight recently, and I'm generally not stylish in terms of dress or hair. She also doesn't pay me much attention physically. This may just be my own insecurity, but it adds to the fear regardless.

 

I honestly don't think for a second she'd ever cheat on me or do anything bad, but as they become closer friends, I'm terrified things will start happening. I don't want to impair their friendship, but what happens if she does start having romantic or sexual feelings for him? I can't help but see him as a threat. And I'm driving my girlfriend crazy with my constant probing and insistance on support. It isn't fair on her.

 

How can I deal with all this? How can I turn my jealousy into something like compersion? Where I'd be happy she is friends with such a nice person. How do I stop seeing him as competition? And how do I prepare myself for future issues (for instance, it's likely their friendship will develop outside of the workplace, and she'll be spending time with him, possibly drinking/partying etc)?

 

My girlfriends been great so far and she's tried her best to reassure me and make me feel safe, but I think I'm the only one who will accomplish this fully.

[Summer_guy_uk]

Depends on the guy really.

If he's single or not happy in his relationship and spends a lot of time at work with her then they would probably be quite flirty.

 

If he knows that he's doing, he can poison your relationship if she ever talks about her relationship with you without her even realising what's happening.

 

It would take time for him to do this but if I were in your position I would tell her exactly how you feel, don't be angry etc but just say that your concerned and you don't feel comfortable with her discussing your relationship with male-co workers/ this guy in particular.

 

At the end of the day theres always going to be good looking/charasmatic men around your girl at work, just make sure you keep your relationship fun and exciting and don't give her much reason to moan and you should be ok

[Man_in_Black]

He's in a relationship, though I have no idea if it's a happy one. And I don't think she's discussed our relationship with him, though I'll mention I'd prefer she didn't. I guess this all depends on whether he actually finds her attractive/a nice person.

 

A thing I've just recalled is that she says she often flirts with him, but "does so with all guys". I don't know what to make of this. I'm not sure she even knows what flirting is. If I told her that flirting is "a form of human interaction, usually expressing a sexual or romantic interest in an other person", she'd deny that she does so. But then maybe she doesn't realise she does have a romantic or sexual interest in this guy.

[whichwayisup]

She's got to know him well and has discovered he's a very nice person and they have a lot in common. My insecurities started to show at this point, and after some baiting, she admitted he was her type and she'd like to date him if she was single. Again though, she re-assures me she isn't interested and is perfectly happy with me. She reasons that she can't help "knowing" that he's attractive and a nice person, but doesn't actually have romantic or sexual feelings for him.

 

She's an idiot for admitting this to you! That's a disaster in the making - SHE enjoys his company abit too much and eventually feelings will develop! You have every right to be upset, her actions and what she is telling you IS making you feel jealous, rightfully so!

 

Imagine the situation reversed, ask her how she would feel if you had said the same things she's saying to you about another woman you worked with. My guess is, she would be VERY upset, hurt and jealous.

[bish]

This all started about a month ago. My girlfriend made a joke comment about a new guy who started at her work, basically saying how attractive he was and making a suggestive face.

 

And the point of her saying things like that is what exactly? She trying to piss you off? Trying to make you jealous?

 

I can't for the life of me figure out why people feel the need to throw someone elses attractiveness in their SO's face.

 

Its been my experience that when they talk like this, there may be more to the story....that or she would like to hook up with him.

 

Ya ya..I know...don't jump the gun bish...but really...what does someone think when telling their SO how attractive someone else is?

 

Only way I can think of is if I did that, it would be because I'd want to piss off my SO. I just don't get it. Sometimes people should just shut their damn mouths and take their SO's feelings into consideration.

[bish]

A thing I've just recalled is that she says she often flirts with him, but "does so with all guys". I don't know what to make of this.

 

Oh you sooooo need to dump this little tart.

[Man_in_Black]

Why do you insist feelings will develop? Granted I never told my girlfriend, but I've been friends with women who were very nice people, would make good partners, and were attractive. But I didn't develop any romantic or sexual feelings for them. Perhaps I would have if I was single, but I was pre-occupied with my girlfriend.

 

I've explained the situation in reverse to her and she insists that she wouldn't feel threatened the way I am.

[whichwayisup]

Because she said she would date him if she was single...Which means she's given it some thought. Fact that they spend time together, she seems to flirt with him alot, talk ABOUT him alot to you, is a sign she's crushing right now on him. The thing is, IS she showing you in actions, not only in words, that she is pre-occupied with you?

 

Just keep an eye on it - If she sees him outside of work, or is in contact with him through email, during and after work, into the evening at home with you, then yeah, she could be letting feelings develop.

[Man_in_Black]

And the point of her saying things like that is what exactly? She trying to piss you off? Trying to make you jealous?

I can't for the life of me figure out why people feel the need to throw someone elses attractiveness in their SO's face.

Its been my experience that when they talk like this, there may be more to the story....that or she would like to hook up with him.

Ya ya..I know...don't jump the gun bish...but really...what does someone think when telling their SO how attractive someone else is?

Only way I can think of is if I did that, it would be because I'd want to piss off my SO. I just don't get it. Sometimes people should just shut their damn mouths and take their SO's feelings into consideration.

 

She'll do it over celebrities etc, and I quite like it about her. It's funny. She just slipped up when she said it about a "real life" person. She also says she wants to tell me everything, all her feelings etc, because she feels bad for keeping things from me. That doesn't matter now though. She's said what she said. I don't think it means she wants to hook up with him.

[whichwayisup]

she insists that she wouldn't feel threatened the way I am.

 

She says that now, but if it did happen, you'd be surprised how quickly her tune would change..Besides, fact is it's happening to you, not her and she can't see or respect that it is upsetting you!

[Man_in_Black]

Because she said she would date him if she was single...Which means she's given it some thought. Fact that they spend time together, she seems to flirt with him alot, talk ABOUT him alot to you, is a sign she's crushing right now on him. The thing is, IS she showing you in actions, not only in words, that she is pre-occupied with you?

 

Just keep an eye on it - If she sees him outside of work, or is in contact with him through email, during and after work, into the evening at home with you, then yeah, she could be letting feelings develop.

 

Is she not allowed to be close friends with a guy who just happens to be attractive? Who has a lot in common with her? Like I said, there are girls I know who I'd date if I was single, but it doesn't mean I'm interested. Maybe I'm being naive though?

[tanbark813]

I agree with what WWIU has said with regard to what would happen if things were reversed.

 

If she starts hanging out with this guy outside of work and doesn't invite you along then that's a bad sign.

[Summer_guy_uk]

I wouldn't hold much thought to her mentioning his good looks I imagine she was just being cheeky.

 

Me and my ex were very confident in eachother so we could say things like that to tease all in the name of fun.

 

It's a tricky situation to be in, just let her know how you feel and take it from there.

Let her come up with suggestions if you don't want to seem too jealous.

[Bryanp]

I see huge red flags. She is deliberately baiting you. She said she finds him attractive and would date him. She has a pattern of behavior where she got too close to your brother? Oh please. How unbelivably cruel and heartless.

 

 

I am sorry to be harsh but she shows very little respect for you and seems to get off pushing you to the limits. I am sorry but she really sounds trashy. I would think about trying to find someone who values a relationship and shows respect for you. Her previous actions and current actions shows just the opposite. She is a disaster just waiting to happen to you.

[bish]

I don't think it means she wants to hook up with him.

 

Then why are you here? If all is good, then you don't need anyone here to tell you anything, unless you are just looking for validation.

[Man_in_Black]

I came here hoping to find out how to stop myself being so jealous. Now I'm just in doubt about how I feel. I know how I've explained it makes it sound worse than it is, she really is a lovely girl who's deeply sorry about the past, but now I find myself questioning her again and it's going to set off some ****. Thanks guys, I guess.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

This girl seems to have serious boundary problems. You say she was obsessed with your own brother not too long ago??? And now she's acting like an idiot over some guy at work?

 

I honestly don't think for a second she'd ever cheat on me or do anything bad, but as they become closer friends, I'm terrified things will start happening.

I think that's your FIRST mistake - giving this girl far too much trust. Anyone who has the gall to humiliate you and disrespect you by acting like a teenage fool with a crush - toward your OWN brother - has zero regard for YOU or your feelings or your relationship.

[LakesideDream]

The truth? It's not an easy truth to swallow.

 

You GF is exhibiting classic "shopping" behavior. She's out there looking to upgrade. You don't meet her expectations or ideals.

 

Be cautious. Likely she will find someone else who meets her needs better than you. Better for you that it happens sooner than later.

[greeneyedred]

Hi Men In Black

Someone else said was I was thinking..

 

It seems she is playing some manipulative game with you, whether intentionally or not. In being fair to her, i dont know her past...yet to put this in your face and tell you what she thinks of him..and she would date him if you were not together is just a little harsh and mean...and would make me insecure. It's different if she has occassional thoughts about others...it happens...YET to tell you and say things to you...seems like a challenge or perhaps she just wants u to know she is marketable so to speak..and others may want her...to keep u on your toes...i dont know

 

I think it would help if you asked her why she is telling you this? there are ways to approach her without being the jealous guy....and i think you sure have every right to be a little insecure...but it seems mean spirited of her in a way...or just game playing...

 

Its different if u met him and asked her these questions about him..and she answered honestly...but it seems she comes to you to put it in your face..

 

if u tell her it hurts a little to hear this, and try to figure out her motive...it may help. If she does not see its hurting you...and she should...perhaps you need to gently or boldly state that it makes you uncomfortable or something...if you dont want to be too in her face..there are gentle ways to let her know she is giving you too much info..or u are uncomfy with her interactions..

 

It's one thing to tell her to stop talking to him

It's another to ask her to be mindful and respectful of you...and your feelings.

 

Hope it works out and i am sorry this is painful or hard on you...

green eyed red

[Love_Lifee]

know what i think?

 

i think you should talk to your girlfriend and let her know how you feel exactly and if she cares about how you feel towards this guy maybe she will drop him..not because you told her to or forced her, because she respects you and knows how you feel towards it..

 

if i was in her shoes and my bf told me how he was feeling, i would completely drop the other person..that is my point of view..

 

communication is key in a healty relationship!!

 

 

just talk it out..

 

[Love_Lifee]

i could never tell my boyfriend how cute someother guy is.. i do not even check guys out when i am with or with out him..i seem him as the last man on planet earth and there is no one else for me..