The Mirror of Relationships

[MKB]

The brief introduction:

I met a girl, I liked her, we dated for 7 months. I fell in love with her. At some point I had the simptoms of the end of the infatuation and the begining of the reality. One gets picky, critical and the like. However I liked this girl very much, I loved her, I missed her when we where separate.

From day one she was adamant on her desire to be serious and eventually marry. So I was not to play with her. As a result I was serious with her.

At some point she addressed the issue of marriage. I guess I felt pressured that If I did not take things to the next level, I may as well lose her. My familiy liked her. Her family liked me. We were a good couple. So I gave in to the rush and I asked her to move in with me with prospects to marry in 8 months or so. She accepted and I was very happy.

At some point I pannicked but I allowed the panick to be there without stepping back or seiously challenge my commitment with her and her family.

She moved in and we married civil.

The religeous wedding was in 4 months and we were making arrangements. I was getting extremely annoyed by my parents in low excesive involvement and intense assertive style. So I really started to panica nd question my relationship. As a natural result I started to behave distant and quiet and I was having thought of calling off before the wedding.

Damn where did all the love go?

Well I calmed down and I decided to speak to her. My ideas were blurry because I did not really have any particular complaint about her behavior, it was rather doubt whether I loved her or not. So my dialogue with her came about a little awkward. I just wanted to share with my wife my feelings and not deceive her into wedding and marriage while I was having doubts.

She really got upset. Extremely upset and we spent a week or two very sadly. At a second conversation she decided to move out without telling me (she called and says "it's not going to work). That night I slept alone.

Since I had been doubting I was not extremely in pain INNITIALLY.

Until one day, I realized that this separation may well be permanent. I really cherished her and every critique or every thing that I had been picky about simply melted away. I had a very unique, special realization that I loved her.

By that time she asked ME what to do with the wedding. ?!!@%!#$^#$^

I did not know what to sya but since we were separated, I said to cancel, and make it again at a later date if we sort out things.

Well I had already cancelled the wedding, I was desperate to get her back, totally in love, no doubts about it.

In the meantime she was preparing herself exactly in the oposite direction.

That's why Icalled my thread MIRROR.

Well, she wrote me a killer dagger email one day after we kissed in one encounter saying that she was not going to get back, to stop any contact and that she may contact me for divorce in the near future.

I fell down a cliff. I had never felt so much pain in my life.2 months of severe heart pain. Then she calls. We speak calmly and I explained calmly. I apologized.

3 days later she sends me a link with DIVORCE information. Another dagger. That same day she calls to meet me. We meet. We argue, all seem to go doom, she asks me to pick up something at her ex-home.

We end up making love romantically, tenderly, passionately and beautifully for 3 hours. I walked her to her car. The night after she calls to break up. She wanted to continue with the divorce.

I told her I can not persuade you, if you do not love me, we have to depart.

I wrote her one final email saying, if you want to divorce send me the divorce paper, otherwise, my home and my heart is open for you. She responds confirming the divorce.

The day after she calls again. I ask het to see her. She agrees. That night we end up again making love and having a wonderful intimate relationship. We date for a week and by the end of the week period she breaks up again. "She can't find her way back"

I accept. What can I do? Beg? It is detrimental.

I read a book "Take back your Marriage" I liked it and I wrapped it up and put her in her Mail Box. She reads it and calls me.

We speak. The tone is of reconciliation. We make love again wonderfully. The connection is at its best.

A week later, her feelings, disbielief and lack of trust for what had happened 4 months ago is up again. She calls it off again.

I was very upset.

We are in No contact but not really rushing divorce.

I love her. I envision a life together with her.

Can anger, spite, and proud really be so powerful to impede forgiveness and the flow of love to continue.

I mean, we had wonderful connection and wonderful intimacy during this on and off period but I believe that the social pride of the "weeding cancelation" is just too much for her and I for her family.

 

I was doubtful

Now she is doubtful

I was hesitant

Now she is hesitant

I was ambivalent

Now she is ambivalent

I was conflicted

Now she is conflicted.

 

That's why this thread is called the Mirror.

I appreciate any comment.

What approach should I take. Should I give her time? should I be patient? Should I continue fighting for my marriage? Important inforamation: I love her.

Or should I work my mind and heart towards a new begining?

O Mirror!!

 

Thanks for reading and thanks if ypu take the time to write.

 

MKB

[Numerouno]

Long story short... Get rid of her, get over it and go get yourself a better one.

[BettyBoop]

I've never been married, so I cannot share any knowledge about that. However, I am a woman.

 

I think you basically broke her heart the moment you said you doubted your feelings so soon after the civil ceremony. How would YOU have felt if she had told you after few months "Oh wait I am having second´thoughts about you even though I promised to love and cherish you the moment I married you." I think she feels like she cannot trust that you will not do this to her again.

 

How old are you? Perhaps she felt you were not mature enough to handle the type of relationship that she wanted, and she feels like you will not mature and hence even though she loves you, she does not want to risk getting hurt again.

 

What you can do, is perhaps to ask her to just try and start all over again. The marriage part went sooo quickly for you both! No wonder you freaked out. You need to sit down and explain that you really love and treasure her, and that you will go back to dating casually with her if that is what it takes for her to rebuild the trust between you again. Love is not enough - spouses needs to be BEST FRIENDS in order for love to last a lifetime! You need to rebuild the relationship from the ground if you want to have a chance to keep your W.

 

You need to smash the mirror and make up some new moves!

[MKB]

I've never been married, so I cannot share any knowledge about that. However, I am a woman.

 

I think you basically broke her heart the moment you said you doubted your feelings so soon after the civil ceremony. How would YOU have felt if she had told you after few months "Oh wait I am having second´thoughts about you even though I promised to love and cherish you the moment I married you." I think she feels like she cannot trust that you will not do this to her again.

 

How old are you? Perhaps she felt you were not mature enough to handle the type of relationship that she wanted, and she feels like you will not mature and hence even though she loves you, she does not want to risk getting hurt again.

 

What you can do, is perhaps to ask her to just try and start all over again. The marriage part went sooo quickly for you both! No wonder you freaked out. You need to sit down and explain that you really love and treasure her, and that you will go back to dating casually with her if that is what it takes for her to rebuild the trust between you again. Love is not enough - spouses needs to be BEST FRIENDS in order for love to last a lifetime! You need to rebuild the relationship from the ground if you want to have a chance to keep your W.

 

You need to smash the mirror and make up some new moves!

 

THANK YOU BETTY BOOP!!!

I appreciate your response, it has that "Je ne said qua" that the female of the species has and the Male sometimes longs for.

What I really feel is that I want to fight for her, (Friends and family advise me to move on!) I rather smash the mirror and build our grounds from scratch with more solidity. Good things are earned through patience and perseverance. I will give it a shot, maybe the shot breaks up the freaking mirror.

 

Thanks for your time and your thoughts

 

MKB

[BettyBoop]

THANK YOU BETTY BOOP!!!

What I really feel is that I want to fight for her, (Friends and family advise me to move on!)

 

Thank you for considering my train of thoughts. Like I said, don't know much about being married but I know some about relationships.

 

I find it a bit odd your family doesn't want you to fight for her...makes me again question how old you both are? I know that if I was married (am young) then my dad would probably ask me to work it out and my mom would probably tell me to move on. But, you know, neither the family nor your friends are the ones who are going to live your life. So it's not up to them, only you alone can decide what to do and what makes you happy.

 

I think you should work out within yourself what made you so insecure that you felt the need to tell your W you wanted to break off the wedding? That is the only sure way to know that you will not do it again. Perhaps it was the idea of a big ceremony that freaked you out. I don't know, only you would.

 

Don't be needy, don't plead for her to come back. Just show genuine ways of trying to become best friends with her. Offer her a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to and someone to confide in. Take things cool - and I wouldn't advice sex. It only messes things up, especially if you tell her that you just "want to try and rebuild the friendship". Friends don't have sex!

 

I just know from my previous relationships, the guys always told me "I'll change, things will be different" but once I was back in the relationship - things stayed the same. And THAT is one of the worst fears I bet your W has - that things will just repeat themselves. You need to prove to her they won't. That you CAN be the H and friend that she wants.

 

You sound like a nice guy and I wish you the best.