patientlywaiting Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 I posted a similar post in a different forum and i think that i posted in the wrong one. I have been dating the same guy for over 3 years and have been living with him for almost that long. We've known each other for 10 years because we dated for a couple years way back when. I know he eventually wants to get married and have children, but i have always been the one to bring marriage up. I really want him to propose but I think that our financial situation might be worrying him more than it does me. I am not working but my education is sufficiently supported on my own (i almost think if i got a job he'd be insulted). I don't think he will propose to me while i'm in school (i decided to go back to school) and he won't until he feels like he's a good "provider" (he doesn't feel like he is at the moment--he's told me). But this stuff isn't a concern for me because I want to be engaged for a while before marriage. I guess I'm looking for security. I'm getting to the age where I really need to start thinking about settling down and having kids (in a few years). I know an engagement isn't set in stone but I just want to know that at the present moment he intends to marry me in the future. I am not sure what to do. I want to convince him that he is a good provider and that me being in school should not prevent him from proposing. I also don't want to sound like I'm demanding a proposal or giving him an ultimatum; if he proposed to me after that I would feel like he only did because he's afraid of losing me. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 Tell him what your goals are about engagement, marriage, and children, and ask him if you are wasting your time with him, or if he is thinking along those lines, too. If he does not have any thoughts about marriage, if he says he doesn't know, etc., then you probably are wasting your time. 3 years of living together should have given him plenty of time to know where he wants to take this relationship, or where he doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Why do you need an engagement to feel a sense of security in your relationship? If you're right for each other, you shouldn't need a societally constructed institution to condone it to make it feel so. Link to post Share on other sites
JA2 Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I think it's a good idea to bring up about your future with him. Where you see the relationship going. See how he reacts. You can tell alot by their reactions, this way you'll know where you stand and the relationship too. I do think by 3 years you both should know if you are with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. But I don't think you need to be engaged if you both aren't financially ready for marriage. An engagement is suppose to be the step towards marriage, not a security blanket. I hope this helps. I know it's hard and I know you don't need money to get married, but you both need to be at that same state at the same time "ready for marriage", sometimes it takes men a little longer, like you said he wants to feels like he's a good "provider". If he agrees with you about the future plans, then I would be patient about the engagement. I think once you have an idea of the future plans, you will feel more secure. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 The answer to this question changes depending on how old you are. If you are in your early to mid 20's, I can understand your b/f feeling he has more time. I am assuming this is the case as you state that you are willing to be engaged for a while, and that children will be in a few years. However if you are in your late 20's or 30's the situation changes. Reality is that you will want to know you are with the man who will be the father of your children, otherwise you do not want to find yourself missing the boat on having kids (by having to start from square one of dating, building relationship, etc). Simple reality is that our financial situations are what they are. We can always continue to work towards common goals for increased security, etc. So while for men financial concerns are very real, I also think they often use it as a roadblock. I think you can have the discussion that you are concerned about meeting your personal goals with him, if he won't committ, and you can put a time line on it. However you NEED to be willing and ready to walk away if he doesn't meet that time line. So unless you are truly ready - I'd say leave it alone for now. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Why do you need an engagement to feel a sense of security in your relationship? If you're right for each other, you shouldn't need a societally constructed institution to condone it to make it feel so. Isn't it terrible how society likes to dictate what we should/shouldn't need and want? (For the avoidance of doubt, my tongue's so firmly in my cheek that I look as though I'm giving the invisible man a blow job.) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 If I were you, I would get a job. You're looking for security from the wrong person, in that you can give yourself security, instead of looking to someone else to provide it. As for life goals, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a family. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to have a family. After you get a job and are self-supporting, sit him down and discuss your future, whether you're both going the same direction or apart. Here's how I see your relationship. You are financially and emotionally dependent on your man and you're living with him. Where's his motivation to take it one step further? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 To me, your avatar says that you are more focused on "getting engaged" than spending your life with this man. You can have kids without being married. You can be secure and happy in a R without getting married. I agree with NJ when she says that your guy should have an idea by now, but you say yourself you haven't finished school yet. You said "I want" several times in the OP, but do you know what your BF wants? Surely after three years of living together you should know him well enough to know his views on things like marriage/ children etc. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 I have recently gotten engaged, and I was delighted that my BF asked me to make a public commitment to (try) to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be with HIM because I love him, whether he gives me a ring or not. I HAD been teasing him about getting engaged, but to be honest, I would have stayed with him happily if he hadn't proposed. I knew very early on that he did want children one day, which helped, especially as I am in my early thirties, and that was one of the many things we found we agreed on. Its not all about the wedding. In fact, the way our wedding planning is going, its starting to terrify me, and I actually would prefer to fast forward to the day after. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 I want to be with HIM because I love him, whether he gives me a ring or not. Oh shaddup, you have an amazing rock Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Oh shaddup, you have an amazing rock Yes, I do. But I don't treat him any differently now that I have it... Well... maybe he gets a few more sexual favours. But thats it. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 Yes, I do. But I don't treat him any differently now that I have it... Well... maybe he gets a few more sexual favours. But thats it. I know, I was kidding Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 I know, I was kidding I know.... Link to post Share on other sites
Keara Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 I dated/lived with my bf for 4 years before he proposed. And to be honest, I'm not sure he would've if I'd done nothing. Not that he didn't want marriage, but he had concerns about some things that we weren't communicating on so they never got resolved. Anyway.. long story short. As a joke I cut out all kinds of engagment type rings and started leaving them in various areas. Just a couple at first. The first day it was one incredibly small, could barely see it, picture left on the table where he'd HAVE to see it, and from there it was game on! I put them in the pockets of his coat, his clothes, in his car, etc. After about 3 days of finding little tiny cut out rings in all his pockets he finally asked me about it. I brushed it off and told him ideally that is something I want (marriage), I made a joke, and we dropped it. Two days later he's asking me all these probing questions about my views on marriage. Good discussion by the way. We just had conversations about our views, he expressed some of his concerns about marriage, I expressed mine. It gave us a way to discuss a very sensitive topic without the ultimatium or emotional turmoil. My original intent was to make it as light hearted and humorous as possible. I love him, and I want to spend my life with him whether that's married or not. It took some soul searching on my part to figure that out, but I realized that although marriage means a great deal to me, I wasn't willing to toss away a great relationship because he didn't feel comfortable about the pitfalls and problems marriage holds. Point isn't to get him to propose though, point is to bring up the topic without hammering your partner to talk about it. Let him bring it up. He has a reason now, he can choose how to discuss it, and what to focus on. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I was just in a similar situation a couple of months ago. I dated a guy for 8 years and I always had to be the one to bring up marriage. It got annoying after a while. I always felt like I was trying to convince him to love me and want to marry me. I don't think it should be that way. Men should be begging us to marry them! I could have understood if my boyfriend wasn't ready, but he should have been after 8 years. He always used some excuse when it came to not buying a ring. One of his reasons was that he couldn't afford it, yet, he went and spent $2000 on a new computer that he didn't need. He also went on a trip to Sicily (without me) which cost around $1800. I finally realized that money wasn't an issue with him. I finally got tired of all the excuses, begging, and waiting and broke up with him. I want to be with someone who can't live without me. Don't get to 8 years like I did. You need to make it clear what you want and if he doesn't want the same thing then you need to end it. Otherwise you will be fighting an endless battle. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Men don't want to be pressured into getting engaged. They want to believe it is their idea, their decision to ask. Hinting and pressuring could prolong this process. You can have security without the ring. If you're still in school and he isn't quite ready to be in a position to be a provider- it probably isn't the best time. I'd get his thoughts on whether he is thinking of marriage "one day"... but if the circumstances don't feel right for him- pressuring could push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
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