what friendship is ok in a relationship?

[jdizzle]

They say that you learn a lot from your past relationships. And i completely agree. I've come to wonder about some of my behavior while dating my ex and whether it was justified or not. Mainly with her and how she acted towards other men. what is considered ok when you're in a serious relationship?

 

I guess I'll just list a few things that happened and how I reacted to them... I'm sure they are all pretty petty. But I'd like some feedback on when I was justified in being upset and when I wasn't. Here are some examples:

 

1. One time when she was upset with me, she talked on the phone with a friend of hers who moved across the country. They talked for over five hours... they hadn't talked since we were together. I was pretty upset about this. I guess I felt that she was emotionally running to him in a moment when she was upset with me. And the reason she was upset was really dumb... something like I didn't text her when I was with my friends all night. I still somewhat feel justified for being upset.

 

2. One time when she was upset with me(again because I didn't text her when with my friends), she talked to her ex on the phone for several hours (they had been broken up for a few years and had previously cut all contact). Then she called me crying telling me that she missed him and was going to call him back. She even said she had made a date to go swimming with him the next day. I was pretty hurt and told her that what she was doing was wrong. She stayed on the phone with me for the rest of the night instead of calling him back. She never went on that date. I still feel justified for getting upset. I think she was desperate for attention (just her personality, I guess)... even though I gave her all the attention in the world... I was gone for a several hours and she went to him for the attention... thats how i feel anyway.

 

3. Sometimes I would get upset with her when she would make new guy friends in some of her college classes. Other times I wouldn't get upset, but I would let her know that I didn't like it. The more I think about it, the more I guess I over-reacted at those times. She was the same way with me when I talked to other girls though. I guess we both were jealous and controlling to each other. I guess I'm just a jealous bf. I really hate the idea of my gf talking or having fun with other guys... unless its a mutual friend, then I don't really mind much. And I dont want to be jealous or controlling, but I can't help how I feel inside... I can and should, however, control how I act.

 

Is that really so wrong? I know I shouldn't be controlling and tell her to not make any new guy friends. But is it wrong for me to HATE that she does? And where do you draw the line? Is it ok for her to hang out with those guy friends outside of work/class? Is it ok for her to go to lunch with a new guy friend in between classes? (that never happened btw, but I'm just curious of people's opinions).

 

A lot of people will probably say, "its ok to be friends as long as you don't get serious." I guess I'm afraid that she'll have innocent intentions with a new guy friend, but she'll end up over her head with a crush. I'd say most affairs start out as innocent friendship, but become serious over time.

 

I know that its ok for my gf to have guy friends, but I still really dislike it unless its a mutual friend. I guess I just have to trust her.. that even if it started to develop into more, she'd cut it off... part of me just knows that its so easy for a girl to get caught up in the emotion of a new crush... i can relate first hand... thats basically what happened with my ex.

[Carmen87]

You have control issues, and it isn't healthy. If you gf wants to make friends with other guys, then that should not be a problem. Girls and guys can be just friends. You just have to trust she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the relationship you guys have, and if you can't then you shouldn't be with her.

[oppath]

1. It upsets me when girls cry to their friends seeking advice instead of going to me. I think that situation would make anyone a little uncomfortable, but then I realize, I cry to my friends before resolving a fight too.

 

2. Her bad. She was trying to manipulate you or make you feel guilty by dangling her ex in front of your face. That was wrong of her.

 

3. Guy friends. This one is tricky. If those friendships are transparent, and you are included, then there is no problem. If she met a guy in class, and you study with him and a group of people, it is fine to accept invitations to a party or to bring together groups of friends (and you should be invited too). It is even fine to grab a quick coffee after studying or in the middle. It is not ok to go to dinner or hang out at his place SOLO.

 

She can make new guy friends, but if their interactions are like a date (i.e. dinner and a movie), then no. Basically my rule, when I have a new gf, is that if I meet a new girl who I'd like to be friends with, I only invite her along to group outings. Once she has met my gf a few times, maybe then we'd be more close friends.

 

I do feel you have some issues, but she had them too. Don't be too hard on yourself. What you struggle with is setting appropriate boundaries. If you know what your boundaries are, and you can communicate them calmly, you wouldn't have these issues, but I can tell you are still deciding what boundaries are healthy. If you are not secure in your boundaries, and someone is toeing the line or exceeding them, it is going to cause you to get upset and flip out. That is part of growing as a person.

 

I infer she was doing some things bordering inappropriate. The goal in future relationships is to know what your boundaries are, communicate them before they are encroached in a non-threatening way, and have some shade of grey wiggle room while keeping your boundaries tight enough for your comfort.

 

Myself: my boundaries are very liberal, but I am black and white once they are crossed. My friends suggested I tighten them up, but allow a little shade of grey for misunderstandings.

[allina]

You were wrong in #1 and #3, but not #2. Your gf should be free to seek comfort in her friends whenever she needs to. If she's in college she will get to knom some class mates, this is completely normal.

 

#2 however, WTF?! I'm sure that really exploring this one would open up a huge bag or worms, that's just not right. She text with an ex for hours then cried to you, her bf about missing her ex? This one makes me wonder about the stability of this relationship.

[oppath]

Actually I think we need more info on number 3. Did she meet a guy at a party and then go to dinner with him, and just him, the next week?

 

Or was it studying with him and some other people from class, and him saying "there is a party at my house next weekend, you should come." There is a spectrum of behavior that can all fall under "friends with a new guy" but some of those behaviors are inappropriate.

 

The OP says "sometimes I was not jealous" and to me that indicates his jealousy depended on the context of her friendships.

 

If I have a girlfriend, and she meets a new guy at a party, and they exchange numbers and want to hang out, it would be stupid not to be jealous and apprehensive. Lunch with a coworker every now and then and the occassionaly happy hour which I am sometimes invited to is a lot different!

[jdizzle]

First off, thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate this environment. I feel I can discuss and learn without being judged. I know I'm not perfect, but I do want to make myself better every day.

 

I agree that I had control issues in my last relationship. My ex gf did too... I think we kind of fed off each other. Plus, some of my buddies who are still with their girls are the same way. I guess, the more I am around this behavior, the more I think its acceptable.

 

Oppath, you are right, I am still trying to determine the correct boundaries. I think that was my problem with my last relationship. I didn't have any set boundaries... then my ex would be upset with me for talking to other girls and I would reciprocate because I thought it was normal. Even after reading everyone's posts though, I still am not sure of what the correct "healthy" boundaries are.

 

So its ok for her to go to lunch with a male coworker? If so, how often? Is it ok for her to study with a male classmate solo? What if I've never even met him?

 

Example number 3 isn't just one occasion. It was how I felt when she made new guy friends. Sometimes she would study with the new guy friend in a group, and although I didn't like it, it wasn't a big deal to me. But a lot of other times she would be invitited by her new guy friends to study solo, and I never liked the idea of that. Should I have been ok with that?

 

If the guy friend was a mutual friend, then I had no problem with her hanging out with him.

 

I don't mean to be controlling, I just need to learn what is right and wrong. I feel like I've always been in a relationship where the girl was possessive and so I acted the same. Now I'm realizing its wrong, but I don't know where to draw the new line.

 

I feel like just saying, "you can do whatever you want, I trust you" to my gf, but the problem is when she would come to me and ask if she could do something. For instance, sometimes she would ask if I minded if she studied with a new guy friend. That puts me in a tough spot, since I don't want to give her permission and then have it blow up in my face. I guess I should just say, "do what you feel comfortable with." Anyway, Thanks for the help everyone.

[Cobra_X30]

I feel like just saying, "you can do whatever you want, I trust you" to my gf, but the problem is when she would come to me and ask if she could do something. For instance, sometimes she would ask if I minded if she studied with a new guy friend. That puts me in a tough spot, since I don't want to give her permission and then have it blow up in my face. I guess I should just say, "do what you feel comfortable with." Anyway, Thanks for the help everyone.

 

Look, You should have a pretty good feel for what kind of girl this is. If she wants to go shopping for a better guy... your not going to stop that... just delay it.

 

So, my question is this... if she isnt shopping... why would she need to study solo with some other guy... or go to lunch one on one? Are there no girls in her class?

 

Trust her... fine... just make sure she is trustworthy!

[oppath]

I get the sense that he brings this up because he feels he was taken advantage of or walked all over somehow and he is trying to tighten his boundaries; that, or his ex told him "you are jealous and controlling."

 

jdizzle, maybe you are jealous or controlling, but just because someone says it, does not mean it is true.

 

Your ex had every right to befriend guys, study with them, etc, but there are lines. It sounds like she crossed them every now and then so you are questioning how tight you should make them.

[Cobra_X30]

 

jdizzle, maybe you are jealous or controlling, but just because someone says it, does not mean it is true.

 

I actually had the same thought!

[oppath]

part of me just knows that its so easy for a girl to get caught up in the emotion of a new crush... i can relate first hand... thats basically what happened with my ex.

 

Do you mean this is what happened when you met her, she was your new crush? Or did she break up with you and date a friend she made where she wouldn't involve you in the friendship?

[jdizzle]

Look, You should have a pretty good feel for what kind of girl this is. If she wants to go shopping for a better guy... your not going to stop that... just delay it.

 

So, my question is this... if she isnt shopping... why would she need to study solo with some other guy... or go to lunch one on one? Are there no girls in her class?

 

Trust her... fine... just make sure she is trustworthy!

 

Well she would say that he was just a friend and that he invited her to study with him. So in her eyes she wasnt shopping... just studying with a friend. And there were girls in her class, but she claims she gets along better with guys. And I never felt like she was shopping, but I did kind of worry that if she spent time alone with a guy often enough that she might start to develop romantic feelings for him. Is that wrong of me to feel like that? Should it have been ok for her to study solo with a guy she met from her class?

 

I get the sense that he brings this up because he feels he was taken advantage of or walked all over somehow and he is trying to tighten his boundaries; that, or his ex told him "you are jealous and controlling."

 

jdizzle, maybe you are jealous or controlling, but just because someone says it, does not mean it is true.

 

Your ex had every right to befriend guys, study with them, etc, but there are lines. It sounds like she crossed them every now and then so you are questioning how tight you should make them.

 

Well I don't think I was walked all over. I just feel like she made the boundaries really tight and I followed suite. But then she would sometimes see things from only her point of view and think that shes not crossing the line. But now that I am looking back on my relationship, I am wondering if our behavior was too controlling. Now the only problem is I don't know what should be allowable and what shouldn't be.

 

Do you mean this is what happened when you met her, she was your new crush? Or did she break up with you and date a friend she made where she wouldn't involve you in the friendship?

 

Well our relationship got really complicated at the end, and to me thats part of why she left me. (this was nothing to do with us as individuals, but more to do with the circumstance we were in) But, as we were breaking up she found a new crush (a new guy she had just met, not a long time friend) and I just feel like she got swept up in it... I feel like she sometimes would make decisions off of emotion and not logically think everything through... and to her this new crush felt more exciting then being with me and all the complicated stuff we had to deal with.

[Cobra_X30]

Well she would say that he was just a friend and that he invited her to study with him. So in her eyes she wasnt shopping... just studying with a friend. And there were girls in her class, but she claims she gets along better with guys. And I never felt like she was shopping, but I did kind of worry that if she spent time alone with a guy often enough that she might start to develop romantic feelings for him. Is that wrong of me to feel like that? Should it have been ok for her to study solo with a guy she met from her class?

 

Look, girls like to shop... that does not stop with shoes.

 

This is simple... she meets a guy... he asks her to study with him. Why does he do this? We are both guys, so we understand this intimately. Guess what... so does she! Unless the guy is an excellent teacher, this is about male attention. So... No it isnt Ok for her to do that. Mostly because it is disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

Yes... if she is actively trying to spend time with other guys... one on one, then she is shopping. Getting to know him is part of that process.

 

Oh, and girls that get along better with guys... typically that means she needs tons of male attention to make her feel attractive. You cant fill that need yourself. Does she seem insecure in other ways?

[oppath]

This is simple... she meets a guy... he asks her to study with him. Why does he do this? We are both guys, so we understand this intimately. Guess what... so does she! Unless the guy is an excellent teacher, this is about male attention. So... No it isnt Ok for her to do that. Mostly because it is disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

 

Yes and no. I remember those days but the thing is, for my hard core studying for advanced physics and math classes, I'd try to have 4-5 people to study. Sometimes it would be me and another girl but I wouldn't be "inviting" her to study. I have a hard time imagining meeting a girl in class and asking her to study JUST with me if I weren't attracted to her. I wouldn't.

 

If it's a case of someone she would regularly study with and other people too, but sometimes they'd be alone, that is different.

 

Luckily, the studying issue disappears after college. then it becomes "is it ok for her to go to happy hour with a coworker" and the answer is coworkers, yes. If they are finishing a project and want one drink, yes. If they meet regularly and you are never invited, no.

[jdizzle]

Look, girls like to shop... that does not stop with shoes.

 

This is simple... she meets a guy... he asks her to study with him. Why does he do this? We are both guys, so we understand this intimately. Guess what... so does she! Unless the guy is an excellent teacher, this is about male attention. So... No it isnt Ok for her to do that. Mostly because it is disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

Yes... if she is actively trying to spend time with other guys... one on one, then she is shopping. Getting to know him is part of that process.

 

Oh, and girls that get along better with guys... typically that means she needs tons of male attention to make her feel attractive. You cant fill that need yourself. Does she seem insecure in other ways?

 

That is exactly what I told her. She would claim the guy is harmless and just wanted to study.. but I would tell her "hes a guy, and i gaurentee he is interested in more than just studying." She would just deny it. But she didn't actively seek those situations. She never asked a guy to study with her, it was always a guy asking her to study with him. But she was good about this. I told her I didn't think that was appropriate so she wouldn't go. I was wondering of that was too controlling of me, but now I feel like it wasn't. My problem is I would get jealous even if she went out with a group of guys (with some girls mixed in). I know that it should be ok for her to do this, and so I never told her not to. I just didn't like it... I guess that is just something I'll have to work on.

 

No, she didn't seem insecure to me. She was always very confident, thats one thing that really attracted me to her in the first place.. But she did seem sort of narcissistic sometimes. But she never seemed superficial to me... seems like an oxymoron, but the fact that she wasn't superficial attracted me to her as well, even though she had some narcissistic traits.

 

 

Yes and no. I remember those days but the thing is, for my hard core studying for advanced physics and math classes, I'd try to have 4-5 people to study. Sometimes it would be me and another girl but I wouldn't be "inviting" her to study. I have a hard time imagining meeting a girl in class and asking her to study JUST with me if I weren't attracted to her. I wouldn't.

 

If it's a case of someone she would regularly study with and other people too, but sometimes they'd be alone, that is different.

 

Luckily, the studying issue disappears after college. then it becomes "is it ok for her to go to happy hour with a coworker" and the answer is coworkers, yes. If they are finishing a project and want one drink, yes. If they meet regularly and you are never invited, no.

 

Ya, I guess its something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. So this is what I gather so far:

 

Its ok for her to hang out with other guys as long as its a group setting

 

Its NOT ok for her to hang out solo with one guy, unless its a long time friend. Is this correct? What about the occasional lunch with a male coworker or classmate?

 

Is it ok for her to talk on the phone often with other guys? or for long periods of time?