My boyfriend keeps making hurtful comments. Am I being too insecure?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. Previously, I was in an abusive relationship. I have to admit that I haven't gotten over the abuse that I went through in this relationship as it was very bad. I was also abused during my childhood (not by my family). I am telling you these details, because I know that I can be really insecure and I know I have a lot of issues that I must deal with. My boyfriend (I will call him R) knows about my abusive relationship. He doesn't know about all of my past, though.

 

R treats me a lot better than my previous boyfriend did, but I feel really insecure by his comments that he makes to me. Don't get me wrong; he treats me very well, is sweet to me, and compliments me. However, he constantly talks about this celebrity that he has an obsession for. I don't mind that, as I find a lot of celebrities attractive, too. Who doesn't? He knows that I have a high appreciation for Bob Dylan, but I am not obsessive with my talking about it. He asked me if I would ever leave him for Bob Dylan, and I thought that was a stupid question. I don't think about stuff like that. He, however, has me watch this TV series with him which she appears in. I have and I don't mind it; in fact, I like the TV series. But throughout he makes a lot of comments to me, which frankly makes me not enjoy watching it, and even when we aren't watching it he continues. He tells me he would leave me in a second if he ever had a chance with this lady and that I'd be gone. He tells me that he would cheat on me with her once he gets the chance. He writes scripts and hopes to be a scriptwriter. He wrote a part specifically for this actress and is convinced that eventually she will play this part. He always jokes around that I will have a lot to worry about when she is cast as this part and that I will probably be paranoid once this happens. I think I am a lot more grounded than he is, in that I find the whole idea unrealistic, although I sincerely hope he is successful in his endeavors. I don't feel insecure in that I actually believe any of this is going to happen, but he seems to believe it and I unfortunately allow myself to feel less than I ought to feel. I don't go home and cry about it by any means, but it makes me feel as if I am not very pretty and am not worthy of his affections. Now I know that this whole thing may sound silly to an outsider, but it tends to hurt my feelings, especially considering that he knows that I'm a little bit fragile due to my previous abusive relationship.

 

I'm currently in therapy, as I know I should be due to my past relationships and experiences. I don't get jealous of him hanging out with female friends at all. In fact, I rarely get jealous in relationships, which I've always found to be my strength. His best friend is a girl and it doesn't bother me at all. She's very cool, I like her, and as far as I'm concerned, they can hang out whenever and it doesn't bother me because he knows my boundaries. I don't mind when we joke around about other girls being hot, for instance Britney Spears back in the day. Whatever! I agree; I think she's beautiful! But, this continual subject of this specific actress really bothers me as it seems to be thrown in my face every time I see him; there's tons of mentions about this girl and how he would cheat on me with her, etc. He says she is the perfect girl and there's just "something about her" as well as continually making comments about how beautiful and amazing she is, plus having me watch the TV series and a movie with her in it. He talks about the script he has written and her part a lot. Am I foolish to feel less than for these comments? I know how I feel is my responsibility, but I'm surprised that he would be this insensitive to me. I've told him that my previous boyfriend, the abusive one, would always tell me he was going to leave me for someone else, and how much it hurt my feelings.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm ready to be in a relationship and if this is why I am feeling a little bit hurt. Before this relationship, I felt I was getting on track. I was in therapy (I still am), I was thinking about starting up with kickboxing and boxing as a hobby, etc. When I started a relationship with R, I was happy to have found someone that treated me a lot better than my previous relationship, but these comments have triggered me in a strange way. I feel like I need to start working out more and I feel like I need to look better than I do. I hate how insecure I feel lately. I really care for him and he tells me that he cares for me, but I feel as if he is pushing this too far. I don't mean to paint R as a horrible person; he most definitely isn't, but I'm just confused about why this is making me feel as it does and why he tells me these things. Please give me your opinion. Thank you.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Does anyone have any ideas? I would really appreciate it.

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry, but I was half laughing through a lot of your post. Not at you !!! At this MORON, who talks this way about an actress he's never met to his current GF !!

 

He sounds SO immature, pitting you against "movie star #47", in a war for his affections and which one of you will triumph in certain scenarios !!

 

Personally I would just tell him to knock it off, and that it isn't jealousy speaking, but you want to make sure your going out with a GROWN UP !

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks MelodyMatters. I have told him before that I didn't like it and I've made comments about how my past boyfriend always told me that he was gonna' leave me for someone else in the future. I don't know what else to do since I have told him how I feel about it and every time I see him, it is mentioned more than three times. I am really getting tired of it. Thanks for not making me feel foolish!!

[LakesideDream]

XxBack, The solution might be as simple as sitting down at dinner, or over a beverage and telling your BF that his "celebrity obsession" hurts your feelings and makes you sad. I would leave out the jealous part..

 

There's a good chance that he won't want you to feel bad and will keep his celebrity fantasy to himself in the future.

 

Meeting a problem head on, sometimes works. In any case it's worth a try.

 

Good Luck and Happy holiday to you!

[JackJack]

I would say, you need to talk to him and communicate to him how it makes you feel. Let him know it shows disrespect to you since you do not do that to him.

 

If he continues to do it after its been made clear to him how you feel, then you need to re-think why you're with him.

[Jasmine8719]

Im really sorry about your past abusive relationship...I don't see your current boyfriend as being abusive...If he calls you names, says your fat etc. or hits you thats abusive...My best friend boyfriend LOOOOVVEEEESSSS Kiera Knightly thinks she is the sky and moon...Talks about her alll the time as well...my friend has the same feelings as you do and all you need to do is talk to him about it..Tell him how you feel..I just think you need a little reassurance that he cares for you and that he is just joking about this actress ...and the whole taking up kick boxing Thats Great! I need to do that too...I think alot of women dwell on particular things our boyfriends say and we need to get our minds off of that..but just talk to him tell him how you feel..and if he doesn't stop then maybe the relationship isn't right for you.

Good Luck

-Jasmine

[WaterTiger]

XxBackxX,

 

It ain't you, it's HIM! Your boyfriend is an idiot. If he's so hot for this chick, he should move to Hollywood and go through her trash like the rest of the stalkers!

 

I think your idea of the kick boxing is wonderful. When you come home after lesson 23, you're going to look at your Bf and think. "Next time he drools about Miss XXXXXX, I'm going to ACTUALLY kick his ass.

 

Thusly empowered, you'll realize you can do better than him and go out and find a REAL man who appreciates you, not some TV fantasy girl.

[Racquel Colette]

He is definitely being emotionally abusive to you. A man who tells you he would leave you for an instant, and cheat on you, no problem, with another woman, celebrity or not, is emotionally abusing and manipulating you.

 

He is whack in the head and you can do better than him. I would leave him instantly. The way he talks to you is unfathomable to me.