What Marriage???

[Lolo]

I am 33 years old and have been married for 6 years. My husband is not interested in me what so ever. Since I gave birth to my daughter 4 years ago, I have gained 60 pounds. He does not find me attractive anymore.

 

He is a good father and a good provider and for the most part he gives me time to do whatever I want. But what I really want is for him to WANT to do something with ME. I wish he would take me out once in awhile. ( we probably go out as a couple maybe 2-3 times a year. if I'm lucky.)

 

How do you get someone to become interested when he does not find you attractive. I don't know if he has a REALLY low sex drive or if he just is not interested, in making love to me . We may have sex 6-8 times a year and that has been going on for a few years.

 

I just am so confused and don't really know what to do. All I want is some affection. I am craving to be touched.

 

I have been thinking about maybe a separation, but I am having a hard time doing it. It is so hard because he is such a great father, he just does not make a good husband.

 

Can anyone out there help me?

[Kat]

You don't stay in a marriage because someone makes a good parent. You stay because you love them and you are prepared to make it work.

 

Are you prepared to stay with him? Are you prepared to talk to him? Does he even know you are feeling like this?

 

I know it sounds like a cop out but some men just don't pick up on vibes, and think everything is fine if you act like it is. He may think you don't want sex with him...do you initiate sex with him? Do you ask him to go out with you? Do you do to him, everything you want him to do to you?

[midori]

I think you should first and foremost talk to your husband about it. Don't be accusatory or demanding. Just ask him what's going on. And be prepared to hear some things that might make you uncomfortable or even hurt you a bit.

I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with the weight you've put on.

 

I know that bearing children is tough on a woman's body, both during and after a pregnancy, but you owe it to yourself to get down to a healthy size. Sixty pounds is a lot of extra flesh to be carrying around. So the second thing I suggest is that you get yourself onto an effective exercise and diet regimine. Don't be insane about it and you don't need to beat yourself up over it. But it's not something to be complacent about.

 

You should definitely talk to your husband. What's the point of being married if you can't even discuss the dynamics of the relationship? If you have tried to broach the topic already but he wasn't responsive, try harder. And make it clear that you're not blaming him and you're prepared to hear whatever he has to say -- within reason of course. I think sometimes people just withdraw if they feel they have things to say that the other person won't be receptive to.

 

And of course bear in mind that while he may have some issues with you that need to be addressed, the distance that has crept into your marriage is not all your fault.

 

Good luck!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Can anyone out there help me?"

 

You said in your very first paragraph that you gained 60 pounds and your husband doesn't find you attractive anymore. One direction you should go in, based on your own feelings, is to get into a program to loose the weight...firm up. People always hate it when I say it but fat simply is not attractive...and it isn't healthy.

 

What I don't understand is that if you knew the problem and the solution, why did you come here instead of going to the gym?

 

I think midori's suggests are outstanding. Communicating with your husband is an excellent idea...while you are running on one treadmill and he on the one next to you.

[Lolo]

I really appreciate everyones opinion, and I know I need to do something about my weight, but I am still a bit baffled. Doesn't anyone think that a husband should love his wife and be attracted to her no matter what she looks like? Is it just me or does everyone think that if you are fat you don't deserve to be loved? If I am way off base, I am sorry. I just really needed some support for me and not for my husband. Thanks for all your comments and criticism.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK:

 

1. "Doesn't anyone think that a husband should love his wife and be attracted to her no matter what she looks like?"

 

Nope!!! Nobody should have to do anything. Most husbands would still love their wives despite their acquired weight but they could certainly lose sexual attraction for them. Men are very visual and need visual stimulation as part of the arrousal process.

 

Nobody is entitled to love or has that right. It has to be earned and the other person has to feel it. Love can come and go in a heartbeat. Thinking you can let yourself go physically and have the relationship remain strong and stable is a fairy tale. Get real!!!

 

2. "Is it just me or does everyone think that if you are fat you don't deserve to be loved?"

 

Everybody deserves to be loved and everybody desires to be loved. But nobody is obligated to love any particular person. If a person is obese, they will still get love...but the amount of sexual love they will receive is substantially reduced.

 

People are always getting pissed at me for pointing this out, especially those who are overweight. Most people don't want to hurt the feelings of others so they won't come right out and tell them the real problem. But the bottom line is that fat is not attractive to most people and to many it's even gross.

 

Fat simply is not sexually attractive. There are a few men who go for the large ladies but most do not. And most women do not like fat guys either. You have to keep yourself up to maintain a good sex life as well as good health.

 

If you just don't want to lose the weight, go find one of those guys who really likes heavy chicks. They're out there.

 

I know you're looking for support for yourself. The only thing I can advise you is to love yourself just exactly like you are and don't look to others for it. The only real way to support you is to tell you just like it is. You need to be motivated to eat less, exercise more. In the end, it'll be a lot of fun and well worth it.

[midori]

Originally posted by Lolo

Doesn't anyone think that a husband should love his wife and be attracted to her no matter what she looks like? Is it just me or does everyone think that if you are fat you don't deserve to be loved?

 

Love and lust are two very different things. One can certainly exist without the other; but of course one wants to have both in a marriage.

 

Yes, you deserve to be loved regardless of what you look like. But the fact of the matter is that many people find obesity to be a major physical turn-off. Your body has changed since your husband was first attracted to you. If you were as large then as you are now he might never have been attracted to you at all. Yes, bodies age, pregnancy leaves an indelible mark on a woman's body, and her husband should be able to appreciate her despite stretch marks, slightly sagging skin, and increasing wrinkles -- just as she appreciates those things in him. But a huge weight gain is another thing entirely.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh on you, or on fat people generally. But I'm sure that your doctor would advise you to get your weight down for the sake of your health. And I'd be willing to bet that your husband would find you attractive if you weren't so heavy. Those are two rather important reasons to lose the weight -- and I'm sure you've been aware of them for a while. But it kind of seems like you're looking for some kind of acceptance for being overweight. You say that you know you need to slim down .... but you also seem to feel entitled to have your husband find you attractive regardless. Which seems like you're trying to disavow the problem.

 

Being overweight is a big problem (no pun intended) for a lot of people in America. You might want to look into getting dietary/exercise counseling. It involves a lot of changes in your life -- how you look at food, the amount of physical activity you do in the course of your day. There's an element of morality and a lot of shame in the way that obesity is seen in America (and elsewhere), and I think that makes it harder for some people to admit that they've got a problem. Like alcoholism was viewed a generation or two ago. It's a problem that requires help to combat. Passive acceptance of it as your lot in life isn't going to get you anywhere, and it's going to prevent you from having things in your life that you want -- like a husband who finds you attractive.

[Lolo]

Thank You both for your time and your honesty. I do know I may not be as attractive as I once was, but I still think I am pretty hot. (despite the excess weight) I also know that I would feel better if I lost some weight - The fact is I am lazy and I need to motivate myself - To save myself and my marriage.

[NEONINK]

You would be surprised how many 5K runners out there used to be very overweight. Once you start a program, you may grow to love it!

[quankanne]

I wonder if it also has to do with the fact that your husband now sees you as the mother of his child first and foremost, and that kind of makes it hard to think of you as a lover? I remember reading an article where Valerie Bertinelli admitted that because she thought of herself as wife and mother, there wasn't much energy left to see herself as her husband's lover! And to a large degree, I think that is true, because having kids changes everything – your priorities are realigned, your time isn't your own and you've barely got time for you because you get busy being someone's mommy. And guys sometimes think that there's no room for them in the equation anymore ...

 

just a thought,

quank

[midori]

while that might have been true for Valerie Bertinelli (holy blast from the past!), Lolo seems to still be in touch with her sexual side. She thinks she's still attractive -- but her husband doesn't seem to agree. It would be hard to chalk that up to him feeling weird about making love to the mother of his children. I'm sure that kind of thing happens occasionally (though it seems less likely if the woman herself is eager for sex), but the main problem almost certainly seems to be her weight.

[NEONINK]

And you know... I wonder how many guys get turned off by actually watching the birth? Hmmmm... It might even freak me out a bit. Perhaps we need to get the fathers back up to their wives where they belong instead of the placenta and cutting the cords and God knows what else they see...

[midori]

but I really do think that while interesting, speculation about husbands seeing their wives differently after giving birth & becoming mothers is not going to help this woman. She clearly has a weight problem that she needs to come to terms with, and her posts indicate that she hasn't really faced up to the harsh reality of her obesity. She's got a daunting task ahead of her (one she shares with millions of others). Coming up with other "possibilities" as to why her husband isn't attracted to her isn't going to help her see that she needs to get her weight in check. Those (rather slim) possibilities are red herrings in the path she needs to be following right now.

 

If she came here telling us that she gets drunk everyday, and wondered why her husband isn't attracted to her, we wouldn't suggest that maybe it's because he's been scarred by the gory reality of childbirth. We'd advise her to get into a detox program.

 

60 lbs. is basically another 1/2 of a person she's carrying around with her. That is a serious health problem. And it surely isn't that pleasant to look at.

 

PS: If she had the opposite kind of eating disorder -- bulimia or anorexia -- no one would hesitate to pinpoint her unhealthiness as the most likely source of her husband's lack of passion for her. Obesity is not benign. It's awful when overweight people are made to feel inferior, and I'm certainly not unsympathetic about their plight. But it's as real a behavioral problem as anorexia or alcoholism. It has biological correlates, and some people are predisposed toward it. That doesn't mean they should just complacently accept being overweight as something that's beyond their control. For a very small group of people perhaps it is. But for the vast majority of obese adults, it is not something beyond their control. They just have to have the will and discipline to do something about it.

 

OK, I'll get off my soapbox now.

[NEONINK]

I agree... I think I was just thinking outloud. I often wondered if my husband thought differently about me after seeing that part in a much different light, so to speak.

 

BTW... I'm a big proponent of Weight Watchers. You get a diet plan that works and lots of support with others going through the same thing. It works! My two co-workers have lost a combined 150 lbs in 6 months.

 

There is truly nothing more desirable than a toned body.

[Lolo]

You guys have been giving me some great insight. Even though I don't think he is/was turned off about the whole "Birthing Process" it is something to keep in the back of my head. I do think it is my weight 100% !! I am not going to deny that. I have found a weight watchers meeting that I will be starting to go to on Monday's. It's the first step of a long process, and I want to be in it for the long haul. Thanks again all of you

[Gray]

Hey congrats! Thats great to hear! Good luck with it.

[Kat]

My b/f refuses to watch my birth video (I taped it, duh). He loves my daughter and me, but he just says he would rather not watch that Let's see what happens when his kid is due! bwahahaha

[NEONINK]

Good Luck!!! Yeah.... You will feel so much better, have more energy, and with WW's point system, you actually get plenty of food and never feel hungry.

 

I too have struggled with this. My parents think of food as love. So, we were always well loved.

 

Just remember, you are doing this for yourself. You'll truly look and feel great, even after the first week. And you'll meet lots of nice people.

[midori]

Lolo, that sounds like a big step in the right direction. I hope it works out for you. Having support will be essential for your sucess, so a group like Weight Watchers might be just the thing. Good luck!