How do I get him back?

[sandra]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. we've had our ups and downs, mostly downs. We're incompatible if you will, but love each other very much. Deep inside I know that my family and friends and relative would never have approved us getting married. After a big argument, I broke up with him. This is not the first time I broke up with him. We break up and make up a few days later. However, this time, When I asked him if we can talk about it and work on it the refused. He was so adamant about his decision, i couldn't beileve it. I tried everything I could to try and get him to give me a second chance. He totally refused.

During our now 2 weeks break up, I've realized all the things I could have done differently with him. I saw my flaws. I told him that and that I'll make him happy if he can only give me atleast a week to show him that I can really make it work. He didn't even want to talk to me.

Finally, I changed my strategy and started saying okay, I can respect his decision but that I still want him in my life atleast as a friend. He really wanted no contact atleast for a little while. But, I figured if I get out of his life now, then he'll never want me back.

So, the other day, I asked him if he can bring me some advil because I wasn't feeling well( I just wanted to see him). He came around and we talked, he said that he's deeply affected about all of this but that it had to be done....... that I deserve someone who'll make me happy, somebody stable and blah blah. I wanted to say, I don't care if you're a bum on the street, I still want to be with you. But I held off because that kinda talk seems to drive him away. BUt, before he left, I invited him to a football game I had bought tickets for. He was like "sure thing"! I'm probably setting myself up, he probably doesn't care about me anymore but I just needed him to remember one last great time we spent toghether.

Can anybody give me any suggestion. I think I'm desparate at this point

[London Girl]

Hi Sandra, sorry to hear you are going through this. A break up from a 5 year relationship is hard! The best advice I could give you is to respect his wishes and give him space and go no contact. He will not get the chance to miss you if you are there. I went through this with my ex ex, suggesting meeting up, doing things, telling him we could change things which worked in the interim but in the end his feelings for me never changed. I wish I went no contact from the moment he dumped me instead of wasting over a year trying to get him back.

 

It will be more attractive to him if you can show you do not need him and that you are strong enough to carry on. I know it is hard.

[sandra]

Thanks London girl. I appreciate the advice. Its so hard to refrain from calling him. This seems so sudden. A few days before the break up he was telling me how much he loved me and we were okay. I guess i'm just shocked that he won't give it another shot. I guess after the football game on friday, I'll stop all contact with him.

[Surfer Girl]

At the football game If I were you I would not appear to needy... As he has asked for space.. Just enjoy each others company without relationship talk... See if he wants to bring it up... NC is very difficult, but it really does give you each other time to remember the good times... and bad... and recognize why you are incompatable... Getting back together to break up again does not resolve the real problems...

[thelegend]

Guys hate to be given up on. We really feel sometimes you ladies will never leave. Remember that you left for a reason. And number 2 he said you deserve better so take his advice. He's telling you he's not the one for you. The best thing for you is to actually change plans cancel the football game and let him go. If you really want him you have to shock him completely.

[BrianG]

Why do you think you were incompatible after 5 years of being together and when or how did you come to that conclusion, If you think you incompatible what do you think would be any different now? I am mainly asking this because my ex said the same thing to me when she broke up with me after a 5 year relationship and could use your insight to possibly help me with my situation. However, i would love it if my ex was trying to get back together with me so i guess that is how are situations are different because we have not spoken in little over a month. See i disagreed with her regarding the compatibility issue and I would love for her to see or know what my thoughts are because at the time i was dealing with depression and self-esteem issues, but i guess at this point its best to just leave it alone as much as I want to try.

 

As with me the only thing i can suggest is what others have as well is to just give hime time and space and maybe he will come back, maybe not, but that should not be your main purpose for doing this, but utilizing this time to improve yourself so the next relationship is better because of it. At least that is what i keep telling myself and maybe one day i will actually believe it.

[sandra]

Thanks everybody for the advice, it really helps. I thought we were incompataible because we're 2 people from totally different worlds. Different backgrouds, likes and dislikes but somehow we fell in love and tried to work on our relationship. Deep down i know if we ever got married and had a family together, we would have a difficult time. But, I during our 5 years together, It was basically my way or the highway. I see that now, I made a huge mistake. I guess it takes something like this to make you realize it. I told him that I would change if he gave me the chance to prove to him that I can make him happy. He keeps on saying we're not right for each other. He doesn't think I'll change.

But by him agreeing to stay friends, I see some hope for us. Days ago, he was so cold and told me to leave him alone......... anything to make me stop calling him. Now, we're talking and he always answers his phone when I call him. He's excited about the football game we're going to on sunday........ If he agrees to stay friends so early after the break up, It must be because he's thinking about the possiblity of getting back together.( I hope).

I tried to resale my tickets and have NC for a while, but tickets cost me a fortune and if I can't sell them we need to go. But I can't understand how he could love me one day and then the next he's not in love with me. I'm sure if he was he would have come back by now.

[thelegend]

I still don't see how people figure being mistreated and being talked bad to is love. I know it's hard to take but he doesn't love you anymore love doesn't mistreat you or hurt your feelings. Think of it as a child no matter what your child does you still love them and you wouldn't hurt them on purpose that's real love what i've been seeing on LS is not love but rather love turned into lust and into selfish hatred.

[Leoni]

I tried to resale my tickets and have NC for a while, but tickets cost me a fortune and if I can't sell them we need to go. But I can't understand how he could love me one day and then the next he's not in love with me. I'm sure if he was he would have come back by now.

No, "we" don't need to go. You need to go with someone else. Cancel your plans with him and remain NC.

[heartoutside]

I kind of agree, I don't think going to the football game is good for either of you, esp you right now. However you can't back out on what you said to him, unless you totally lie to him and tell him you're not going and then go with someone else. (I don't suggest that).

 

Also, I agree as far as NC goes. When my ex first left me i felt the need to always reply to her contacting me, but finally about 2 or 3 months ago I found myself being strong enough to totally ignore the tempation of replying to her texts, or phone calls. Now almost 6 months after breaking up, I'm a new person so to speak, stronger and more aware of who I am, and now she's regretting ever leaving. I'm also at a point where if we get back together, great, I'm all for it, I love her just as much now as I did then, but I also realize that she isn't the only one out there. NC is about you, I didn't do it to get her back.

 

Also, his agreeing to stay friends with you could mean a million things. You can't read into things, its hard to do, but it will only create more questions in your head.

[sandra]

Thanks "Leoni" and Heartoutside" I know I probably should take someone else. But the only person I have in mind is leaving town tomorrow. I'm still looking though.

Today, I feel more in control of my feelings and I sorta feel excited about my future. I have mixed feelings, I'm okay one minute, the next I'm sad or angry. I've decided to maintain NC. I've been acting pretty pathetic and desperate and I feel embarrased about how I begged him. It's really disgusting. I've never acted that way about a guy before. I need my self respect back. I've let him know how much I love him, now it's his turn to initiate anything if he's interested.

I don't understand how he can cut his feelings for me like that. It hurts so bad that the love of my life doesn't love me anymore. If he did he would have been with me by now. He said he broke down and cried a few days ago at work, but he had to make the decision and cope with his feelings. WTF! I dont understand men.

[thelegend]

One thing you have to understand is that you can't control him. You only can control you. It's ok to be upset and angry with yourself for what you've tried to do to get him back. Don't be embarrased because everybody on here has done it. And take comfort in knowing this his feelings for you haven't gone anywhere. You don't loose feelings over night because you don't gain them overnight. The same way you are thinking about him he's thinking about you.

[heartoutside]

I can understand what your ex means by having to cope. He's not doing this to be an ass, he was hurt or maybe doesn't know what he wants. I'm sure just like you have a million questions in your head, he does too and is unsure of a lot right now. This is why space is good for both of you. Also, thelegend is right, the only thing you can control are your actions.

 

Can I ask, if you trully think he is the love of your life, why did you break up with him so many times? Or are you realizing now that he is the love of your life?

[sandra]

Thanks you guys, but to answer "heartoutside's" question, I wasn't sure about him the entire 5 years of your relationship. You know, him being a potential husband figure and all. I knew I loved him and was completely attached to him and it seemed to be enough for me for the time being. I was busy with school, fighting to get a great GPA to go to med school and all. I wasn't really focusing on our relationship. I just went with the flow.

We had issues through out the relationship. He doesn't understand me well and I was constantly trying to mold him into the perfect guy he wasn't.

Now that he's no longer in my life, I miss him, and can't imagine life without him. The mere thought of him with another woman makes me feel queasy. But tonight I've decided to let him go. I'm gonna try to let him go. Should I answer his phone calls, if he ever calls? I don't know.....

I've decided to let the tickets go to waste rather than go with someone who hurt me so bad and doesn't want me. I mean who likes feeling unwanted.

[heartoutside]

Well, I can understand thinking about him all the time. You guys were together for 5 years and you created a life and an identity that was you and him, now that's not there, so you miss it! I went through the same thing, it's only natural.

 

As for the phone calls, well it's all about what you want. Do you want to get back together with him, do you want to move on...if you want to move on I wouldn't answer his phone calls or at the very least because you are the one who broke up with him, you can answer and let him know that it's probably best that you two don't talk or see each other for sometime; unless he wants to get back together.

 

It will get easier......

[thelegend]

That's very wise of you not to go to the game with him. Trust me you'll feel better with time. I know it's a common saying on here but time and space does heal all wounds. Everybody on here has experienced the same pain you are feeling so it's good to come here and vent. I think after time he'll come to you. Then it's up to you to decide which way you want to go. As long as he knows where you stand and what you want then what else can you do? I'd rather do nothing at this point than to do something and get nothing in return. So be strong smile everyday and know someone better is probably checking you out already.

[sandra]

Thanks "the legend" You're so wise lol! I feel so much better about the whole situation now. Although I have my ups and downs, generally, I know NC is the way to go! However, I asked this guy,I sorta like to go to the football game only to find out that he's on his way to the airport, going on a short vacation. You don't understand, I went temporarily pyscho when I bought those tickets, they cost $333. So now you know why I can't let them go to waste. I don't really want to but maybe if I take my ex to the game, the last thing he'll remember about me is that he had an awesome time with me. Knowing that, when things go wrong in his next relationship, he'll defiently think that he messed up in letting me go!!

What do you think I should do, ask anyone to go with me?Its too late to sell 'em now. Why is life so complicated?

[thelegend]

Thanks for the compliment Lol! I see the bind that you are in. I would most definitely not take him to the game. I mean do what your heart tells you but if you take him and don't hear from him for a while you'll be devasted because you did spend good money on those tickets. I'd find a family member church member anybody but him that's got heart breaker written all over it.

[sandra]

Yesterday, I decided to go to the football game with my Ex and it was fun! I enjoyed myself and he did to. On our way home, he talked about the possibility of getting back together, why i think we should, blah blah. Honestly, at this point I just want to be friends. I would never want to be with someone who isn't sure of their feelings for me. Yes, we've been attached for quite a long time. Its hard to detach. But i guess we were confusing that with love. Isn't it crazy, I thought I would go crazy if i didn't get him back just a week ago. Now, I feel like it was a good decision to make. I hope my feelings wont change.

NC is good but sometimes, they move on while you're depressed and devasted. So, I guess we just need to follow our heart.

[sandra]

Yesterday, I decided to go to the football game with my Ex and it was fun! I enjoyed myself and he did to. On our way home, he talked about the possibility of getting back together, why i think we should, blah blah. Honestly, at this point I just want to be friends. I would never want to be with someone who isn't sure of their feelings for me. Yes, we've been attached for quite a long time. Its hard to detach. But i guess we were confusing that with love. Isn't it crazy, I thought I would go crazy if i didn't get him back just a week ago. Now, I feel like it was a good decision to make. I hope my feelings wont change.

NC is good but sometimes, but they move on while you're depressed and devasted. So, I guess we just need to follow our heart.

[kitkat289]

Hey Sandra, great to see you feeling so much better and clear about things

Go complete NC,show disinterest and you'll see how much his attitude has changed in these few months of NC.He would also learn things during this time and hopefully wherever you are,whatever you decide,you will love to be yourself without anymore mess in life.We only realise to cherish 'single' life when we are moving on.Wish you luck ahead!

[thelegend]

It is hard to let go. But I believe there is a natural healing in letting go. Not because you hope they realize what they lost and come back but the fact that you don't have to try to chase and play the game anymore. To me it was very theraputic. I'm happy that things went well Ms. Sandra just stay true and strong in yourself.

[kitkat289]

If you really want to know what all it takes to get your ex BACK ,go through Universe's posts.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t52900/

Nobody can tell you if your ex will come back or not but its your heart who knows the 'chances'.If you feel he might come back after you work on yourself then he would come back for sure and if you feel he would never come back then probably he's not into you and would never be.Just face the truth as early as possible and then sort out whether you should MOVE ON or still hold a chance.In either case, the process is the same.I would say that you hold a better chance if you think that you should make efforts to 'move on' now.If you feel that you are doing all this to get him back then the chances become less.So if you are doing it you should FEEL IT from within.Your life doesnt change in a day and so be prepared to have the right attitude,make postivie changes everyday.Who knows after many months you could find yourself at a stage where you feel that now you dont even want him back.

Goodluck;)