Trying to understand

[stampdaddy]

Hi, I am new here but have been reading Posts for many, many months now. I need help from this forum, I think, as I am trying to figure out what I need to do from this point forward.. I am OM, and have been in this relationship for 3 1/2 years now.. We have been caught (back in July), so 5 months ago, and of course, this drastically changed things. I am writing in this Forum because I want to know what to expect on THEIR side, the BS and her.. He was hit by a truck in all of this and is having trouble digesting all of it, still in great denial I guess, and he doesnt know all of the "truth", but obviuosly knows enough. I am not sure if it is necessary to know "everything", but from what I have read, if he asks, he should be told.. I have read that it could take years to "maybe" get to a halfway decent place, but that's "IF" all of the cards are played correctly.. They have gone to counselling but "really didnt get much out of it" and have stopped. He has his "triggers" and she never knows when or where they will come. She is supposed to be in NC, but of course is not really.. She is "trying" to figure things out, BUT has not promised anything and is basically just "going through the motions". I read a post in this Forum from a Wandering Wife, who is "at home" going through the motions and I cant figure out "WHY"? I could be wrong, but she doesnt seem to LOVE him, and really doesnt seem to be "in LOVE with him". And that is the case here.. SO, I guess my long winded question is: How long can they "go thru the motions" before somebody figures out it's best to start a "new" relationship with eachother? I'm sorry if I am all over the map, but thanks for any input... (I have also posted this in the Infidlety Forum)

[reboot]

Think the advice will be different here?

 

Unless you enjoy being a boy toy, stay away from her until she's divorced. Ultimatim time. At the moment you're simply allowing her to have the best of both worlds. If you can live with that, then you don't really need any advice.

 

Obviously though, you can't live with that. And as long as you let her (hint: it's already been 3 1/2 years) she'll continue to have her cake and eat it too. *shrug*

[stampdaddy]

Think the advice will be different here?

 

Unless you enjoy being a boy toy, stay away from her until she's divorced. Ultimatim time. At the moment you're simply allowing her to have the best of both worlds. If you can live with that, then you don't really need any advice.

 

Obviously though, you can't live with that. And as long as you let her (hint: it's already been 3 1/2 years) she'll continue to have her cake and eat it too. *shrug*

 

No, probably not.. Not really looking for "support", in fact, I dont know what Im looking for. Maybe REALITY slapping me in the frickin face..

 

I know I wish that I could snap my fingers and everything would be OK, and I guess deep inside, the ONLY way it looks like to me that she would come now is if she got the boot.. And then what, she would end up resenting ME. Right now, she resents HIM... I NEVER dreamed it would end up like this, this messed up!

[reboot]

I'll get flamed for saying this here, but that's why getting involved with married people is a really dumb idea. Way too many complications.

[stampdaddy]

I swear, I swear, I swear, I NEVER would have had I known.. I ALWAYS thought that she was on her way out.. Maybe she is, but I know I made it easy for her to stay.. BUT, now we are busted and I dont know what is going to happen.. I DO KNOW that we love eachother immensely. The door has been wide open for me to say, "you know what, screw it.., just move on, etc.." The problem is I love EVERYTHING about her. She has absolutely captured my heart and soul. I dont know, maybe she'll figure it out, that it is NOT fair to ANYBODY involved to string it out. Maybe not. Any success stories out there of this working out for OM?

[reboot]

If she loves you so much, why is she still with her husband?

[stampdaddy]

If she loves you so much, why is she still with her husband?

 

as of last week, she "has to do this alone, without ME front and center, while they figure out what to do, how to proceed". Well, I am sure she will get blasted here, but I know deep down, that is the "right" thing to do.. Reboot, this IS that type of love (I wonder if most people, me included, always think it's about sex). The kind of love that is sweet, that people notice, and that I cant imagine ever finding again.. And if she stays, she will never have again. I wonder, DOES LOVE EVER PREVAIL??

 

I know this is a mess and I will get attacked, BUT, this is the mess that I am in, and now I can only hope..

 

He, the H, asked me, why was I trying to rip his Family away from him? I NEVER have tried to do that, NEVER!!! People get divorced, I had hoped that I just showed up early.. The night I met her, I had just moved back HOME from being away for work for 2 years, away from my ex W and 3-5 year old son, and 4 days later, BAM! Anyway, the night I met her, I went out to get some "to-go" food and there she was. We talked for a while and when I left, I prayed that "if our paths were crossing for a reason, PLEASE let me be honorable, because I DO NOT WANT AN AFFAIR!"

 

Anyway, I could go on all day, but here I am, looking for answers, maybe even trying to manufacture feelings that arent real to get turned around, turned away from her.... THANK YOU

[reboot]

So how did you answer her husband's question? Why are you trying to rip his family apart? Just curious...

[stampdaddy]

So how did you answer her husband's question? Why are you trying to rip his family apart? Just curious...

 

I said that I wasnt (Im sure to everyone else it looks like I was), BUT, I was also going by what I was being told by her, that she is coming, just be patient, I have NOTHING to worry about, etc.. Well, now it is obvious that I SHOULDVE forced the issue much earlier, and she SHOULDVE done something much sooner.. BUT, here we are, and she knows that she has done this all wrong. She says she waited too long...

 

I always promised her that I would never turn my back on her and I would never give her an ultimatum.. Seems now that I should have done both?? Or am I a ggod guy for not? I DONT KNOW

[stampdaddy]

she has said to me, "If this is the LOVE that we both know it is, then we will be OK.., but I HAVE to do this alone.. I have to let him see, without you standing right there, that we arent what we once were, and that I am no longer there, and havent been for 7-8 years..."

 

SO, I will, as hard as it is, honor that. And in doing so, maybe I will feel good about it OR (and the very reason I am posting) maybe I will WAKE UP

[frannie]

Hello stampdaddy. I've snipped a few things out of your posts, because I want to comment on some of the things you're saying:

 

I guess deep inside, the ONLY way it looks like to me that she would come now is if she got the boot.. And then what, she would end up resenting ME.

 

OK, this maybe thinking ahead and worrying far too much, but I think it's a valid consideration. You're concerned that she won't leave of her own free will, and if she did leave it would be because of the mess you two have created and she'll end up resenting you.

 

The one way you can prevent this (jmho) is to tell her the things you've been saying on this thread, about believing that she was half way out of the door and her marriage was over, and that since you can now see that that is not the case, you're going to do the right thing and step away so they can deal with what they have.

 

Then reduce right down the contact between you, possibly even go NC if you feel that's right in the situation, and leave them to it.

 

Here are some of the things you've had to say about this:

 

I swear, I swear, I swear, I NEVER would have had I known.. I ALWAYS thought that she was on her way out.. Maybe she is, but I know I made it easy for her to stay.. BUT, now we are busted and I dont know what is going to happen.. I DO KNOW that we love eachother immensely.

 

The door has been wide open for me to say, "you know what, screw it.., just move on, etc.." The problem is I love EVERYTHING about her.

 

Yes, you love everything about her, and she may well love you, but this situation is far too complicated and fraught. You have three people here all with emotions all tied up and they need to be dealt with in the right order. As you say, even if she left right now things wouldn't be right.

 

She's already said, from her side, that this is what she needs, and you say, deep down, you know that's the right thing to do. You're right.

 

as of last week, she "has to do this alone, without ME front and center, while they figure out what to do, how to proceed"... I know deep down, that is the "right" thing to do..

 

Don't worry too much about this:

 

He, the H, asked me, why was I trying to rip his Family away from him? I NEVER have tried to do that, NEVER!!! People get divorced, I had hoped that I just showed up early..

 

It may look to her H like you were trying to rip his family away from him, and perhaps to objective observers it looks the same way too. But as you say, she told you she "was coming, please be patient", and giving you every indication that yes, you'd just showed up early to the divorce. Believe me when I say that that's what many, many OPs are told: that it's all over bar the paperwork.

 

I said that I wasnt (Im sure to everyone else it looks like I was), BUT, I was also going by what I was being told by her, that she is coming, just be patient, I have NOTHING to worry about, etc.. Well, now it is obvious that I SHOULDVE forced the issue much earlier, and she SHOULDVE done something much sooner.. BUT, here we are, and she knows that she has done this all wrong. She says she waited too long...

 

It's easy to feel and think this way in retrospect, both the OP ("I didn't push the issue") and the MP ("I waited too long") make the same mistakes over and over in affairs. Unfortunately it usually ends up right where you are.

 

But you are where you are, and as you know in your heart, the only thing, and the right thing to do now is to back away and let them sort out what they should have been sorting out between themselves before you came along. It's probably the only real way that this can have a positive outcome, whichever way it goes.

[stampdaddy]

Frannie: THANK YOU SO MUCH! A better reply couldnt have been posted. It is hard sometimes to "validate" what you really know deep inside.. Everyone tells me to "walk away", "turn my back" etc.. But how can you do that, how can I "re-program" my heart, think that the "Love of my Life" was a sham?

[frannie]

Frannie: THANK YOU SO MUCH! A better reply couldnt have been posted. It is hard sometimes to "validate" what you really know deep inside.. Everyone tells me to "walk away", "turn my back" etc.. But how can you do that, how can I "re-program" my heart, think that the "Love of my Life" was a sham?

 

Hello stampdaddy, you're welcome for the reply.

 

You ask how you can walk away, reprogram your heart to believe that the love you and she had was 'a sham'. But why do you feel you need to devalue what you shared? I think what you would be doing there would be to engaging your rationality (you need to walk away), at the expense of your emotional connection to her ("what we had was a sham").

 

I think the answer would be somewhere in between, to act rationally, but to acknowledge the feelings you shared. You can't just rub them out and re-program yourself like that. There will be a lot of grief, and you will need to treat yourself well while your head and heart each deal with what has happened.

 

But, speaking from experience, at the same time as you will suffer, you will also gain a lot of strength and peace of mind from doing what is 'right'. Also, while you sound like a man to respect from your words on this thread, you will definitely be one from your actions , and that's something to work towards imho.

[stampdaddy]

Hello stampdaddy, you're welcome for the reply.

 

You ask how you can walk away, reprogram your heart to believe that the love you and she had was 'a sham'. But why do you feel you need to devalue what you shared? I think what you would be doing there would be to engaging your rationality (you need to walk away), at the expense of your emotional connection to her ("what we had was a sham").

 

I think the answer would be somewhere in between, to act rationally, but to acknowledge the feelings you shared. You can't just rub them out and re-program yourself like that. There will be a lot of grief, and you will need to treat yourself well while your head and heart each deal with what has happened.

 

But, speaking from experience, at the same time as you will suffer, you will also gain a lot of strength and peace of mind from doing what is 'right'. Also, while you sound like a man to respect from your words on this thread, you will definitely be one from your actions , and that's something to work towards imho.

 

I'd rather you lie to me and tell me it will be easy and she'll pull into my driveway in 5 minutes and we'll ALL be OK.. j/k

 

Yeah, I wouldnt/couldnt "re-program" my heart anyway.. the LOVE would conquer all.. I sure hope it finds a way to conquer all of this.

 

Thanks again!

[frannie]

I just read the thread you posted on Infidelity. Sometimes, you know, it's not the OP (poster asking the questions) that isn't listening because they don't want to hear something they don't like, but the ones contributing to the thread. I thought you were being very honest and open and looking for the truth of your situation, so I don't really see where all that came from...

 

Anyway, you never know what will happen down the line, but you just have to do what feels right for you. I'm sure that given time everything will 'work out'... just perhaps not in the most obvious way, or the way that you think would be best for you right now.

 

Best of luck anyway stampdaddy you sound like a great guy.

[stampdaddy]

I just read the thread you posted on Infidelity. Sometimes, you know, it's not the OP (poster asking the questions) that isn't listening because they don't want to hear something they don't like, but the ones contributing to the thread. I thought you were being very honest and open and looking for the truth of your situation, so I don't really see where all that came from...

 

Anyway, you never know what will happen down the line, but you just have to do what feels right for you. I'm sure that given time everything will 'work out'... just perhaps not in the most obvious way, or the way that you think would be best for you right now.

 

Best of luck anyway stampdaddy you sound like a great guy.

 

I thought I was... I loved her like any and every woman would want to be loved. She made me into something special.. It saddens me that A) I'll never love someone like this again, that whoever comes along won't receive the same and B) that she may leave this "once in a lifetime" kind of love behind..

 

Not trying to say I'm so great or anything, BUT, I will say that I loved her greatly.. I'm a "man's man all day long", but she brought poetry out of me, which besides "Roses are red...", I've never known was in me. When I saw her last, the thing that made me the happiest was being able to look her in her beautiful eyes and tell her that I love her, I "hear her" and will do this for her...

[scaredinlove]

Hi, I am new here but have been reading Posts for many, many months now. I need help from this forum, I think, as I am trying to figure out what I need to do from this point forward.. I am OM, and have been in this relationship for 3 1/2 years now.. We have been caught (back in July), so 5 months ago, and of course, this drastically changed things. I am writing in this Forum because I want to know what to expect on THEIR side, the BS and her.. He was hit by a truck in all of this and is having trouble digesting all of it, still in great denial I guess, and he doesnt know all of the "truth", but obviuosly knows enough. I am not sure if it is necessary to know "everything", but from what I have read, if he asks, he should be told.. I have read that it could take years to "maybe" get to a halfway decent place, but that's "IF" all of the cards are played correctly.. They have gone to counselling but "really didnt get much out of it" and have stopped. He has his "triggers" and she never knows when or where they will come. She is supposed to be in NC, but of course is not really.. She is "trying" to figure things out, BUT has not promised anything and is basically just "going through the motions". I read a post in this Forum from a Wandering Wife, who is "at home" going through the motions and I cant figure out "WHY"? I could be wrong, but she doesnt seem to LOVE him, and really doesnt seem to be "in LOVE with him". And that is the case here.. SO, I guess my long winded question is: How long can they "go thru the motions" before somebody figures out it's best to start a "new" relationship with eachother? I'm sorry if I am all over the map, but thanks for any input... (I have also posted this in the Infidlety Forum)

 

My MM has being with his wife living trhu hell past Dday for 15 months and I am sure another 15 months are yet to come.( our affair has past the 5 yrs mark)

We are in a similar situation , you and I ,and other than knowing exactly how you feel ther is nothing else I can offer you.

 

I was married too and when we got caught I ended my marriage and MM decided to stay on his.

There is no saying how long it will last. The question here is how long can you wait? Don't make it a wait though gothru your life and have her there.

 

At first i wanted him to leave,later i wanted to break up, now I just go thru with it and realized that there is no answer, no time frame and nothing I can do to change the situation.The only reason I stay is because I really love my MM and after all these years we have created a very strong bond , so strong that prevents me of walking away.

 

The ONLY thing you can do is walk away or stay and accept it for what it is.

What is keping you MW there? Fear? Finances? Kids? these are all very strong breakers.

 

my tells me he is leaving and we will be together ' but I know he is just saying that for fear of losing me.

Good luck and i know exactly how you feel.

[scaredinlove]

I thought I was... I loved her like any and every woman would want to be loved. She made me into something special.. It saddens me that A) I'll never love someone like this again, that whoever comes along won't receive the same and B) that she may leave this "once in a lifetime" kind of love behind..

 

Not trying to say I'm so great or anything, BUT, I will say that I loved her greatly.. I'm a "man's man all day long", but she brought poetry out of me, which besides "Roses are red...", I've never known was in me. When I saw her last, the thing that made me the happiest was being able to look her in her beautiful eyes and tell her that I love her, I "hear her" and will do this for her...

 

I am sure she knows you love her and she love you too. Stayingin her Marrige has nothing todo with you, it has to do with her on fears and desires.ifeel sooooooo bad for you cause I know exactly how you are feeling.

[scaredinlove]

DOES LOVE EVER PREVAIL??

 

 

Love always prevail,it dosen't mean the she will run outof the door and be with you.It means that the love you have for her isreal and will be with you regardless of you situation.

Don't let your love end, even iffor some reason you have to walk away.

 

Cheers:)

[stampdaddy]

My MM has being with his wife living trhu hell past Dday for 15 months and I am sure another 15 months are yet to come.( our affair has past the 5 yrs mark)

We are in a similar situation , you and I ,and other than knowing exactly how you feel ther is nothing else I can offer you.

 

I was married too and when we got caught I ended my marriage and MM decided to stay on his.

There is no saying how long it will last. The question here is how long can you wait? Don't make it a wait though gothru your life and have her there.

 

At first i wanted him to leave,later i wanted to break up, now I just go thru with it and realized that there is no answer, no time frame and nothing I can do to change the situation.The only reason I stay is because I really love my MM and after all these years we have created a very strong bond , so strong that prevents me of walking away.

 

The ONLY thing you can do is walk away or stay and accept it for what it is.

What is keping you MW there? Fear? Finances? Kids? these are all very strong breakers.

 

my tells me he is leaving and we will be together ' but I know he is just saying that for fear of losing me.

Good luck and i know exactly how you feel.

 

Thanks for the kind words.. SO, you two have been caught, his wife knows, but you are STILL able t see each other? How does that work?

 

She has ALL of those fears.. plus probably a few more, so no, it doesnt look promising..

 

I am sure I will be fine, I have no other choice, it will take time and the Holidays will suck. This would have been our 4th Christmas together, and they have all been very special.. I'm sure it will be hard on her too..

 

The only thing I have to go on is this: SHE TRULY LOVES ME, and she has said that she feels that she needs me out of the picture while she takes care of this mess.. She owes him that. He has asked for it. He knows how she feels about me, but he asked that we have NC while they figure it out, even if it's Divorce.. He has said that he wouldnt just stay for the kids, he has checked out Divorce web sites, she has asked 3 times if they should Divorce, he has said she's close to getting what she asks for, etc....

 

SO, who the heck knows

[scaredinlove]

Stamp

 

We meet once or twice a week believe it or not, we do what we can to see each other, now during the next few months we will probabaly not be meeting much.

 

My MM and his wife sighed up a separation agreement a yr ago and she keep telling she will divorce him and he keep telling me he will leave.They sleep in different rooms. Now after 15 months I basicaly nod my head and say sure you will leave ( not believeing), or when I am annoyed i tell him to stop fooling himself cause he won't EVER leave.

 

My MM and I tried the NC to but I think we were separated for 4 days only...

 

There are no guarranties. I was in that seat that you are now, basicaly I am still waiting. Only I am not waiting anymore , if you know what I mean.

 

It has to come from her,if she wants to work her M than she will probably stay ,and if the H stayed so far he probably will stay too.

 

I don't want to burst your bubble, just talking from my own experience.I may be wrong ...Most man cannot forgive infidetly, maybe he won't be able to forgive.

I know woman usually is easy at forgiving it so I have NO chances while you might have some.

 

 

Hope things work for you.

[stampdaddy]

Stamp

 

We meet once or twice a week believe it or not, we do what we can to see each other, now during the next few months we will probabaly not be meeting much.

 

My MM and his wife sighed up a separation agreement a yr ago and she keep telling she will divorce him and he keep telling me he will leave.They sleep in different rooms. Now after 15 months I basicaly nod my head and say sure you will leave ( not believeing), or when I am annoyed i tell him to stop fooling himself cause he won't EVER leave.

 

My MM and I tried the NC to but I think we were separated for 4 days only...

 

There are no guarranties. I was in that seat that you are now, basicaly I am still waiting. Only I am not waiting anymore , if you know what I mean.

 

It has to come from her,if she wants to work her M than she will probably stay ,and if the H stayed so far he probably will stay too.

 

I don't want to burst your bubble, just talking from my own experience.I may be wrong ...Most man cannot forgive infidetly, maybe he won't be able to forgive.

I know woman usually is easy at forgiving it so I have NO chances while you might have some.

 

 

Hope things work for you.

 

Thanks again!! Again, we were flat busted 5 months ago, and she told him that she was still seeing me up to 3-4 weeks ago.. (we are only 4 days NC, so Monday was the start) So, she didnt just end it with me.. In fact, she "hasnt ended anything" with me (again, her words). She feels deeply that she has to have me "out of sight", but feels that I am still this "White Elephant" in the room, because they both know I'm here, contact or no contact.. She went to counselling 4 weeks ago (by herself) to tell her that she was done, BUT, the counsellor asked her to give it 6 months, HE deserves the time, AND the counsellor has told him, "don't rush any decisions". I am sure that this could just be too big for him, and I am sure that she loves me. I just hope she does the right thing. Her words again, "I just need to rip the bandaid off...."

[reboot]

I just hope she does the right thing.

I hope she does the right thing too. Oh wait, I bet we don't mean the same thing.

[GreenEyedLady]

I hope she does the right thing too. Oh wait, I bet we don't mean the same thing.

 

I am curious...

 

Do you think that if two people marry they should stay married no matter what?

[scaredinlove]

Thanks again!! Again, we were flat busted 5 months ago, and she told him that she was still seeing me up to 3-4 weeks ago.. (we are only 4 days NC, so Monday was the start) So, she didnt just end it with me.. In fact, she "hasnt ended anything" with me (again, her words). She feels deeply that she has to have me "out of sight", but feels that I am still this "White Elephant" in the room, because they both know I'm here, contact or no contact.. She went to counselling 4 weeks ago (by herself) to tell her that she was done, BUT, the counsellor asked her to give it 6 months, HE deserves the time, AND the counsellor has told him, "don't rush any decisions". I am sure that this could just be too big for him, and I am sure that she loves me. I just hope she does the right thing. Her words again, "I just need to rip the bandaid off...."

 

By going to councelling and trying to figure things out she is already doing the right think. If you can give her time you are doing the right thing too.

You want to be sure that if she decides toleave she will do it because she decied to it, you don't want to push her.

 

I was not that good I never gavemy MM anytime which asn't good. Now I am giving him some space cause I realised how importantit is. Imean it just happen like that. He keeps looking for me though...

 

Long story....

 

Hang in there Stamp , things will be fine. One way or another.

 

she will apreciate your respect for her.