reboot Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Beautifully said Stamp. I'd like to know myself why it's so impossible for some to understand that most of us don't WANT to be in an A with the person we love. We simply want to LOVE them. We'd much rather build a solid "normal" relationship with these people who suit us so well. We would love to have the everyday routine, hohum, who's picking up the dry cleaning life with the ones that we love. Why is that so darn hard to understand?It's not hard to understand at all. I do understand it. But the fact of the matter is, most of these relationships never wind up that way. You are welcome to hope that yours beats the odds, but you do yourself no favors by not acknowledging the facts. You need to think about yourself, because in the end, that's who you have to live with. Link to post Share on other sites
addicted2love Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 It's not hard to understand at all. I do understand it. But the fact of the matter is, most of these relationships never wind up that way. You are welcome to hope that yours beats the odds, but you do yourself no favors by not acknowledging the facts. You need to think about yourself, because in the end, that's who you have to live with. I completely agree with that. I do acknowledege the facts...the statistics. I am very realistic. But I also believe that each situation is different. My main problem is when all OP/MP are grouped into one general catagory. I completely agree that no one will look after me but myself. But I will continue to have hope that however my story ends it WILL have a happy ending. There is nothing wrong with hoping for the best as long as you are realistic about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 I'm not trying to tell you it's wrong (even though I think it is), that's your demon, not mine. I came here looking for perspective, and that's what I'm trying to give you. And you don't have to defend yourself to me. I'm just trying to point out things I think are important for you to consider. Other people here will offer different advice. Some will (and I find this highly unconstructive, but whatever) merely pat you on the back and offer you blind hope. The great thing about this place is YOU get to choose who to pay attention to. If my posts are sometimes upsetting, I assume it's because you see some truths in what I say. Otherwise you'd just ignore me. Please keep in mind I'm not trying to attack you. Just offering what you asked for. Advice. If your relationship was all blissful and happy, you wouldn't be here talking to me now. Can we agree on that? You are obviously in pain about this, and I'm just trying to get you to think about YOU, not you and her. Someone needs to, she isn't. She is thinking about HER. You can believe that or not. If I seem harsh at times, I appologize, but please keep in mind I was the husband in your situation, and that's where MY perspective lies. Though to be fair, my W's affair was nothing like you describe. Was I the H of your MW, you would have had her a long time ago. YES we can agree on that and many things.. She IS thinking about HERSELF, I agree, but I do believe she is thinking about HIM/ME/CHILDREN/FINANCES/FUTURE/many things.. alot to think about. I could get lost in all of that OR I could be the goal, I don't know.. In your case, you have been fair, I can imagine that some H's that read how I feel about MW would want to spit on me, but again, you havent, so thank you.. What was your story? Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 are you hoping/wanting her to leave her H and get married to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 are you hoping/wanting her to leave her H and get married to you? YES! Very much so... Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 You are obviously in pain about this, and I'm just trying to get you to think about YOU, not you and her. Someone needs to, she isn't. She is thinking about HER. You can believe that or not.. I believe it is only himself that SD is thinking about. He is definitely not thinking, or concerned about anyone else in this saga. Not the H, not the kids, not her safety. I get the feeling he wants those on this board to tell him that what he is doing is noble and it will end with HIS desired result and not for what is best for the innocent bystanders (AKA the children of a torn apart home). Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 YES! Very much so... Immediately? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 Immediately? NO! I knew this was coming.. And, I DO think about EVRYONE in this "saga", but here we are, TODAY, this is where we sit.. I have pulled myself out of THEIR equation. Only day 5, but it IS day 5... I know this is hard for some to believe, but there would be "grace" in moving forward, and that means TIME, CONSIDERATION etc... Don't flame me on this It could be many years before we would marry, and I could care less when, I just would like the FREEDOM to start towards that goal... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 There is no FREEDOM, she is MARRIED. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 There is no FREEDOM, she is MARRIED. C'mon Boot, we already know that... I said I WANTED freedom.. I obviously don't have it... I have freedom for myself though, and that is what I am trying to get straightend out here.... Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 And have you given thought about your relationship with her children when they find out to broke up the family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 And have you given thought about your relationship with her children when they find out to broke up the family? I know this is the toughest hurdle, if they find out.. I will not fool myself into thinking that A) they wont find out, but has already started to be addressed in their counseling sessions and B) that it is going to be easy, even if they DONT find out.. But I DO love them, and as hard as it may be to believe, I do know them pretty well (not by being around them, so dont go there), but by listening to them, about them, learning things about them, etc.. Surface stuff I know, BUT! Believe me, we would have many challenges, some of which I have no clue what they will be, and as much as LOVE conquers, I am not blinded by it either.. SO, here we are.. everybody wants me to walk away, go on with my life, and maybe thats what I do. But for now, I feel VERY strongly that I have a responsibility to get control of my feelings, honor her NC, and take care of MY family.. And because I DO think of her children, what if I walked away, met someone else and moved on while they started to Divorce? I'll just have to know when the right time is, IF she doesnt tell me that she is going to stay and work on the M. Right now, the NC is just for TIME... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 I'm not trying to tell you it's wrong (even though I think it is), that's your demon, not mine. I came here looking for perspective, and that's what I'm trying to give you. And you don't have to defend yourself to me. I'm just trying to point out things I think are important for you to consider. Other people here will offer different advice. Some will (and I find this highly unconstructive, but whatever) merely pat you on the back and offer you blind hope. The great thing about this place is YOU get to choose who to pay attention to. If my posts are sometimes upsetting, I assume it's because you see some truths in what I say. Otherwise you'd just ignore me. Please keep in mind I'm not trying to attack you. Just offering what you asked for. Advice. If your relationship was all blissful and happy, you wouldn't be here talking to me now. Can we agree on that? You are obviously in pain about this, and I'm just trying to get you to think about YOU, not you and her. Someone needs to, she isn't. She is thinking about HER. You can believe that or not. If I seem harsh at times, I appologize, but please keep in mind I was the husband in your situation, and that's where MY perspective lies. Though to be fair, my W's affair was nothing like you describe. Was I the H of your MW, you would have had her a long time ago. I found your story Reboot. Sorry that that happened.. Can I ask, how long did it go on for Your W and OM? BUT, she DID end it right then and there, right? WANTING to understand ALOT more from your MM perspective Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 WANTING to understand ALOT more from your MM perspectiveI try really hard to keep my comments at least semi-constructive, but I don't think it's possible for you to understand my perspective. If you could, you wouldn't be able to do what you're doing to this man and his family. You can keep saying how bad their relationship is, and that they don't care about each other, but I can tell you for a natural fact, the pain of your wife cheating on you is a terrible thing, and you don't keep someone in your life that has hurt you like that without a very good reason. I'd wager that this man loves his wife more than you can imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 I try really hard to keep my comments at least semi-constructive, but I don't think it's possible for you to understand my perspective. If you could, you wouldn't be able to do what you're doing to this man and his family. You can keep saying how bad their relationship is, and that they don't care about each other, but I can tell you for a natural fact, the pain of your wife cheating on you is a terrible thing, and you don't keep someone in your life that has hurt you like that without a very good reason. I'd wager that this man loves his wife more than you can imagine. I would NEVER argue that point, and again, appreciate your point of view and your willingness to talk with me... Through conversations with her, many of them, all mature honest conversations over time, not bashing, I have learned alot about them as a couple and can fully understand how when I walked into her life, well, she was subconcienesly open to the A. just like someone said earlier today on one of these posts... Doesnt justify it AT ALL, but... Unlike in your case, my MW decided to let our R grow, and kept it growing until NC, so I dont know what H will do when he processes all of that information.. I wonder, do some BS "keep" their WS as a way of "winning"? She has told him that maybe they should D, she even told him when he asked,"are you only staying with me because you were "told" to?".. She said YES, because YOU and the COUNSELOR told me to. At least during this 6 month NC.... So, I dont know Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 By the way, I would point out that, as far as I'm concerned, most of the blame here lies squarely on her shoulders. I do think people shouldn't knowingly muck around in other people's marriages, and you should step back (and you say you are so I applaud you for that), but she's the one that broke vows, not you. Her husband shares blame for letting his marriage get to the point where it must have gotten to, and you share blame for getting involved in it, but she is the one that decided to cheat. Neither of you twisted her arm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 By the way, I would point out that, as far as I'm concerned, most of the blame here lies squarely on her shoulders. I do think people shouldn't knowingly muck around in other people's marriages, and you should step back (and you say you are so I applaud you for that), but she's the one that broke vows, not you. Her husband shares blame for letting his marriage get to the point where it must have gotten to, and you share blame for getting involved in it, but she is the one that decided to cheat. Neither of you twisted her arm. I agree, BUT am man enough to take my 50% ownership of the blame.. I know I have said, even to H, that I could only go by what I was being told, and what I was being told is that "WE are "WE", and that she is coming.. I DID NOT WANT AN AFFAIR.. I have stepped back and from talking to folks like you, especially folks like you (BS) it helps me to maintain and not cave in... Thank you for also recognizing that H had some share blame in M.. IT HAPPENS, not saying A is justified by ANY stretch, and that is what she is trying to get through to him, of course it would have been nice if it happened before I showed up, but... She is trying to convince that THEY are NOT happy together, that the M is not working (hence the NC) even without me in the picture.... Link to post Share on other sites
washingtonlady Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I am impressed with you and the fact that you are willing to step back and give their M the chance to work. That is very hard too do if you love her. She can try to fix her M but chances are you are on her mind and it is not going to be enough to make it work. It is strange how you want to do the right thing, yet for yourself you just want her and hope for her too move on. Very confusing feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 I am impressed with you and the fact that you are willing to step back and give their M the chance to work. That is very hard too do if you love her. She can try to fix her M but chances are you are on her mind and it is not going to be enough to make it work. It is strange how you want to do the right thing, yet for yourself you just want her and hope for her too move on. Very confusing feeling. Thanks. I know I am on her mind, which helps me.. I am all over the place at her house.. there is not a room that there isnt something to remind her of me.. I dont think they are "trying" anything, just keeping busy, until he finds a chance to blow up at her, which happens at any moment.. I don't know what the "right" thing is, except this NC.. It FINALLY will go one way OR another. I DO hope I can continue to love her, because as I've said, I LOVE LOVING HER Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 what if I walked away, met someone else and moved on while they started to Divorce? It would probably be a healthier and happier relationship all around, without the emotional baggage, without the guilt of how you two got together in the first place. You'd be starting fresh with someone new. Anyway, it's a mute point right now as anything can happen and there's no point in even thinking that far ahead into the future on a good day... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 It would probably be a healthier and happier relationship all around, without the emotional baggage, without the guilt of how you two got together in the first place. You'd be starting fresh with someone new. Anyway, it's a mute point right now as anything can happen and there's no point in even thinking that far ahead into the future on a good day... agree my friend.. This is where WE all sit.. tomorrow will come Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 and "tomorrow" she will get another beautiful love letter, just like she has gotten for over 3 years..... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 and "tomorrow" she will get another beautiful love letter, just like she has gotten for over 3 years.....Uhmmmm.... you DO realize that is not NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 Uhmmmm.... you DO realize that is not NC? It'll just be here, waiting for her, IF she comes... Just like this morning's letter... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 It'll just be here, waiting for her, IF she comes... Just like this morning's letter... Sorry, Stampdaddy, I asked on the other thread that we are chatting on if she knows you post here because of this sweet letter. I shouldn't have asked the Q on the other page. Stepping out so I can pull my foot out... Link to post Share on other sites
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