Author stampdaddy Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 Sorry, Stampdaddy, I asked on the other thread that we are chatting on if she knows you post here because of this sweet letter. I shouldn't have asked the Q on the other page. Stepping out so I can pull my foot out... Quite alright, sweetie... NO, she doesnt know I post here.. She has that letter.. a couple years old.. SHe DOES keep it with here.. You wouldnt believe this, BUT there are about 10 or so cards/letters/notes that stay in her Day Planner on her kitchen table.. He knows they are there, he has read them, but they sit there for whatever reason. (they are tucked away in some pockets, but they are there..) THIS is one of them.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 It is starting to scare the crap out of me.. But I've done all I can do.. I bought us a house, I make OK money, although could be better (couldnt we all?) I am putting my daughter through a major college, I am a swell guy, I LOVE her, I love her children, I am good, no GREAT, to them behind the scenes (i may explain later), I have given her things shes NEVER had and ALWAYS wanted, there have been SO many "firsts" for her because of me.. We travel, we are Best Friends, we shre SO much, and have learned SO much because of each other, I mean, I am a 40 year old man, and I swear, it's like I am just NOW, starting to grow..... not "grow up" just grow... We see life through the same eyes, they don't see the same anything, except the children, and even that is "separate" looking... I just wonder: When is it ENOUGH to make a difference? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 When is it ENOUGH to make a difference? When you don't have any control over what will happen, then there are no answers. though, you do have control over what you do, how you react.. It does make a difference and you could sh*t diamonds for her, it still won't change the fact that she isn't willing to end her marriage completely, let go of her life, her history with her H, to be with you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 When you don't have any control over what will happen, then there are no answers. though, you do have control over what you do, how you react.. It does make a difference and you could sh*t diamonds for her, it still won't change the fact that she isn't willing to end her marriage completely, let go of her life, her history with her H, to be with you.. She may be will WW, that is why we are NC.. So she can do it "right".. BUT, I am aware that I still could lose this one.... Link to post Share on other sites
SomethingsMissing Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 Hi, I am new here but have been reading Posts for many, many months now. I need help from this forum, I think, as I am trying to figure out what I need to do from this point forward.. I am OM, and have been in this relationship for 3 1/2 years now.. We have been caught (back in July), so 5 months ago, and of course, this drastically changed things. I am writing in this Forum because I want to know what to expect on THEIR side, the BS and her.. He was hit by a truck in all of this and is having trouble digesting all of it, still in great denial I guess, and he doesnt know all of the "truth", but obviuosly knows enough. I am not sure if it is necessary to know "everything", but from what I have read, if he asks, he should be told.. I have read that it could take years to "maybe" get to a halfway decent place, but that's "IF" all of the cards are played correctly.. They have gone to counselling but "really didnt get much out of it" and have stopped. He has his "triggers" and she never knows when or where they will come. She is supposed to be in NC, but of course is not really.. She is "trying" to figure things out, BUT has not promised anything and is basically just "going through the motions". I read a post in this Forum from a Wandering Wife, who is "at home" going through the motions and I cant figure out "WHY"? I could be wrong, but she doesnt seem to LOVE him, and really doesnt seem to be "in LOVE with him". And that is the case here.. SO, I guess my long winded question is: How long can they "go thru the motions" before somebody figures out it's best to start a "new" relationship with eachother? I'm sorry if I am all over the map, but thanks for any input... (I have also posted this in the Infidlety Forum) Hey, StampDaddy. I'm sorry about your own pain here. Just catching up. I asked my MM what was going on with his wife. He didn't want to talk much about that, but things would come out. He's been married 19 years, but said the last 7-9 haven't been that good (I'm guessing the sex is boring now, right?) He mentioned being "frustrated." He also says he loves her family, loves their life together, they have a great house, great kids, they have their church together - they have this 'image' and I think that's the thing he most doesn't want to lose. It could be the same for your MW. He fears the whole condemnation of society if he divorces her, and he doesn't really want to be without her. I think that's why he thought maybe he could just get some on the side and that would fill in whatever was missing from his picture. A little romance, a little sex, all on his terms, of course, no cost to him (other than dinners...) I can't speak to your situation. I'm just saying some people really feel divorce is that big evil beast - must not do that. I personally think divorce is a tool that has a proper use, but should not be grabbed at in haste. I'm really sorry for you. If she's breaking NC behind his back, maybe she's close to leaving him. But would she do the same to you? That was my fear too with my MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 she has taken MANY risks to see me.. MANY! I am sure the "image" is an issue, BUT, what image is there now?? And as you called it, "getting her fix" has been for 3 1/2 years.... That is not a fix.. I dont know what it is.. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 she has taken MANY risks to see me.. MANY! I am sure the "image" is an issue, BUT, what image is there now?? And as you called it, "getting her fix" has been for 3 1/2 years.... That is not a fix.. I dont know what it is.. Three years is a relationship to most people, but she could also be getting her fix. I guess what I'm saying is she now needs to prove herself by leaving. I know she is trying to show him that it's not going to work and I hope that plan works for you both because this is obviously driving you crazy. Your story gets me more than most because her sitch at home is so much like mine. But if my MM were waiting in the wings I would fly like a caged bird. I guess her H is just as difficult if not more than mine. Stubborn and prideful to the bitter end. Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 I know this is the toughest hurdle, if they find out.. I will not fool myself into thinking that A) they wont find out, but has already started to be addressed in their counseling sessions and B) that it is going to be easy, even if they DONT find out.. But I DO love them, and as hard as it may be to believe, I do know them pretty well (not by being around them, so dont go there), but by listening to them, about them, learning things about them, etc.. Surface stuff I know, BUT! Believe me, we would have many challenges, some of which I have no clue what they will be, and as much as LOVE conquers, I am not blinded by it either.. SO, here we are.. everybody wants me to walk away, go on with my life, and maybe thats what I do. But for now, I feel VERY strongly that I have a responsibility to get control of my feelings, honor her NC, and take care of MY family.. And because I DO think of her children, what if I walked away, met someone else and moved on while they started to Divorce? I'll just have to know when the right time is, IF she doesnt tell me that she is going to stay and work on the M. Right now, the NC is just for TIME... Not sure I understand, the kids are already discussing in counseling? And I'm not sure you addressed the question, I hear that you love them, but what of their feeling toward you if/once this is brought to light? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 He has gotten the misguided idea that her kids are going to love him instead of daddy because of the "things" he's done. He's in for a shock. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 He has gotten the misguided idea that her kids are going to love him instead of daddy because of the "things" he's done. He's in for a shock. no I don,t RB.. I surely do not... BUT, one can ADD to childrens lives over time.... Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 He has gotten the misguided idea that her kids are going to love him instead of daddy because of the "things" he's done. He's in for a shock. What he has "done" is knowingly tried, over a long time, to break up a family. I can completely understand how someone can get involved with a married partner, it happens. But to be caught months ago, and continue to pursue, continue to show up and their house, to continue to be a negative influence on this family is, well, not sure there is a word for what that is. And it doesn't square with the picture he is painting of himself (the decent and good guy). Words are cheap, and actions make the man. Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 no I don,t RB.. I surely do not... BUT, one can ADD to childrens lives over time.... So, are the kids seeing professional help on this? Not sure I understood your earlier answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 Not sure I understand, the kids are already discussing in counseling? And I'm not sure you addressed the question, I hear that you love them, but what of their feeling toward you if/once this is brought to light? IT has been brought up in counseling between MW and H.. H said that he won't "ALLOW" her to have her "Fairy Tale Ending". The Counselor asked what he meant, and he said that he would "poison the childrens minds about how bad of a person I am". The counselor said that that would be the worst thing he could do. It doesnt help ANYBODY. It would be bad for EVERYBODY, most of all HIM... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 What he has "done" is knowingly tried, over a long time, to break up a family. I can completely understand how someone can get involved with a married partner, it happens. But to be caught months ago, and continue to pursue, continue to show up and their house, to continue to be a negative influence on this family is, well, not sure there is a word for what that is. And it doesn't square with the picture he is painting of himself (the decent and good guy). Words are cheap, and actions make the man. I've admitted that showing up at her house was wrong. I was desperate, I WAS WRONG.. it WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 IT has been brought up in counseling between MW and H.. H said that he won't "ALLOW" her to have her "Fairy Tale Ending". The Counselor asked what he meant, and he said that he would "poison the childrens minds about how bad of a person I am". The counselor said that that would be the worst thing he could do. It doesnt help ANYBODY. It would be bad for EVERYBODY, most of all HIM... So, your counting on him being a decent guy? Not messing with your relationship with her or the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 I've admitted that showing up at her house was wrong. I was desperate, I WAS WRONG.. it WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN You mentioned that he found out about the affair a while back, I think your post said several months. Did you continue to see her and pursue her during that time? Even after the H called you? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 If she does leave her H for you she will just end doing the same thing to you. Five years from now she will be cheating with another man while saying she has fallen out of love with you. Why do you fail to realize this? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 Dad won't have to poison their minds against you. Children are typically very, very loyal to their parents. My oldest son once threatened OM with something along the lines of "picking up something heavy and bashing in his face" (OM got the bright idea that he could befriend my kids and turn them against me, talking sh*t about me to my kids was a BIG mistake on his part). Not entirely how I raised my son to handle conflict, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling more than a small amount of pride when I learned about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 So, your counting on him being a decent guy? Not messing with your relationship with her or the kids? his is a decent guy.. I hope he'd not do that IF we end up together Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 Dad won't have to poison their minds against you. Children are typically very, very loyal to their parents. My oldest son once threatened OM with something along the lines of "picking up something heavy and bashing in his face" (OM got the bright idea that he could befriend my kids and turn them against me, talking sh*t about me to my kids was a BIG mistake on his part). Not entirely how I raised my son to handle conflict, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling more than a small amount of pride when I learned about it. I would NEVER try to become their dad, they have a great dad already. I would NEVER talk bad obout him either... that's crazy talk... Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 SD, you mentioned that you have had interactions with her children. And painted some pictures of you having time with all of them. Question, you said you had a daughter but not at home, has she of any other kids of yours spent time with her and her kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 If she does leave her H for you she will just end doing the same thing to you. Five years from now she will be cheating with another man while saying she has fallen out of love with you. Why do you fail to realize this? C'mon Woggle.. It's not always like that Link to post Share on other sites
outoftheditch Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 his is a decent guy.. I hope he'd not do that IF we end up together Interesting, sounds like you are counting on him being more decent, him having more respect for you than you have for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 SD, you mentioned that you have had interactions with her children. And painted some pictures of you having time with all of them. Question, you said you had a daughter but not at home, has she of any other kids of yours spent time with her and her kids? I have NOT soent time with he kids.. I have seen them, but not met them.. My son has met her.. Probably a mistake.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 Interesting, sounds like you are counting on him being more decent, him having more respect for you than you have for him. I know.. How else can I think NOW? Link to post Share on other sites
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