More mom troubles. (kinda long)

[rainindecember]

Before I begin my whine-fest I guess I should give some of my back story.

 

I was adopted when I was 9 years old by people that are seasoned professionals when it comes to parenting (or that's what they think anyway). I have 5 brothers and sisters, we were all pretty impacted by a harsh childhood, whether it's the residuals of drug use while in utero or just the harshness of spending important years of our childhood around drug and alcohol use and domestic violence. I'm the oldest of all of us..I like to think that I'm somewhat well-adjusted but the past few years have proved otherwise. I'm depressed, socially anxious (as well as just generally anxious), withdrawn, and just off in every sense of the word.

 

Although I genuinely appreciate the kindness that was shown when my mother adopted us (I'm not talking about my father because I get on with him quite well). I really feel like there should be a law implemented that stops people with acute mental...craziness from being able to adopt. My mom is the product of an alcoholic father, has been married three times and has four biological daughters from two different men. I feel like what I am dealing with here is an alcoholic without the alcohol. All of her tendencies are irrational, unpredictable. She lies to get what she wants. All the time. She's completely unwilling to take notice to ANY flaw that she may possess. She's verbally abusive to me, because I take it. The rest of my siblings and my adoptive sisters have the courage to talk back but all I do is sink my head and listen while she insults me and complains about everything under the sun. Yes, I still live with her. I work too. I tried to go away to college but ended up back home after spending three months being more depressed than I have in my whole life. Now, I'm 20 years old and am in the position to break free, which is great but everytime I mention the possibility of moving out she makes me feel awful and I just forget about the idea. I know-her house, her rules. I'm over 18-should have my own place. I know! I've respected every wish that she's had regarding house rules. I don't have friends over, I go to their houses. I don't even eat in my room! I feel like she's caused me just as much grief as my biological mother did. Don't even get me started on my therapy bill.

 

I feel like this may be an issue of co-dependence. I'm scared to death of moving out on my own. She truly makes me feel like I'll be dead within 48 hours of moving out. I mean, I realize that depression is serious but it's not a good enough reason for me to stay anymore.

 

What my question is...What can I do to break free? Living together is no longer an option, I have money to support myself so having my parents lend me money is no longer an issue. Did anyone else have a parent/parents like this and manage to successfully get out of their icy death grip? I know that once I have my own place and can have my own rules things will be so different. I feel smothered, and quite frankly, like throwing a lamp across the room. But for now I need to stay calm and keep the peace. SOMEONE HEEELLLPPP ME! Anyone?

 

Sorry that was so long, it felt kinda nice to vent!