Give me cheating woman perspective

[blindsidedagain]

Please tell me why you cheated. I am very supportive, fair, and open with my wife. I am faithful, and she had no doubts whatsoever that I was and am. She had a 4 month (supposedly) affair with a coworker 14 years older than her. She is 39 and he is 53. We have been together for 22 years, and she had a one night stand 10 years ago, perhaps others. Here are her reasons: She was depressed She has low self esteem He was just a friend, someone she could talk to, but it turned into something more She was looking for an escape Why does she feel guilty and ashamed now that I found out. Why did this not stop her from continuing the affair. When I found out, there was no intention of stopping it. She now says that it was a stupid mistake, and that she loves me more than anything in the world.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why does she feel guilty and ashamed now that I found out. Why did this not stop her from continuing the affair.

 

Her guilt and shame don't come from having an affair. She is not sorry for the affair. She is only sorry that she got caught. She says it is a mistake and that she loves you because she is terrified of losing her status quo.

 

I'm sure she does love you, but for some people love does not equal monogamy. It does not sound like it in her case, anyway.

 

Are you and she getting any help to repair the damage she has done to your marriage?

[blindsidedagain]

For those woman who have cheated please help me.

If you want my story details, see my other post.

Although I have learned of the affair 6 weeks ago, I did not ask any details.

I want to ask the following questions.

 

How long have they been having sex?

 

Where and how did they first have sex......how did it go from platonic to sex?

 

Where and when did they meet?

 

What kind of sex did they have?

 

Was he a good lover?

 

Did it last long?

 

Was it passionate?

 

Did he have a big penis?

 

Did they have all kinds of sex?

 

How many total times did they have sex?

 

Did he tell her he loved her....Did she tell him? (he called to tell me he loved her, why woundn't he tell her?

 

How long had they been talking before they had sex?

 

Why was she attracted to him?

 

If she is so guilty now, why did she not stop the affair b4 I found out?

 

These thoughts constantly reel in my head.

Is it good to ask these questions?

Were you asked these questions?

Did you answer honestly, or did you minimize your responses?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

This is some list of questions..... Do you really need to know all this? Won't it hurt to know? Does it matter? You are hurt and facts can only make it worse.

 

Give yourself and her time. Cry if you need to, but know that if she tells you she loves you, you need to accept that.

 

Do you want to stay in the marriage?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can only think of two times I came clean on cheating. I got asked plenty of questions, and answered them but greatly downplayed the aspects of what I thought would be painful to hear. I have to admit, both of the times I was on my way out already so I disclosed more than I probably would have if I had been intending on staying in the relationship.

 

The way I have seen it, the more someone wants to reconcile, the more lying they do about the specific details of the affair in terms of their preferences (ie: was he/she better than me in bed, did he/she have more pleasing genitals than I do, do you have more fun with him/her than you do with me, etc.) Those personal preference things are hurtful to disclose, and a good deal of people don't disclose them honestly. If they do, its only after a long period of counseling and they feel safe and secure enough to disclose. That, or they are blistering angry and disclose out of anger.

 

Why is she guilty now? Because she got caught. Why did she not stop the affair? Because she didn't feel guilty for what she was doing because she thought she was getting away with it. She put her needs ahead of the needs of your unit as a couple. It sounds bad, but I can tell you this: in her affairs you likely never even factored in. You hear waywards say "the affair had nothing to do with you" and in a sense the affair doesn't.

 

They have a separate set of emotions and sexuality for their affair partner, and a separate set of ones for their spouse/SO. If you want to see this in action, check out Philanderers.com and read some of the threads on their forum. I will warn you - it will likely anger you and turn your stomach, and trigger you to no end. Don't go there if you don't think you can handle it right now. I don't cheat or help anyone cheat anymore and haven't for years and that place still makes me uncomfortable.

 

The sets of emotions for the spouse/SO and the affair partner are often unbalanced - you as the spouse/SO get the crap end of the deal and the affair partner gets the 'good stuff' so to speak. In their mind, they don't see this as taking from you and giving to the affair partner. They see the affair as a new and unique thing that has nothing to do with what they already have.

 

Does this mean they prefer one over the other? No. If they did, they'd divorce or they wouldn't have affairs. They want to keep both. If forced to choose, they usually choose the status quo/spouse because they have more to lose by losing that than they do by losing the affair partner. The ones who stop often wait until the Dday fallout dies down and simply resume affairs.

 

How do they get away with it? Gaslighting, mainly. I was a master of that in the relationship. People who cheat and want to get away with it get very good at it. People who cheat can look you in the eye and swear on your children's lives that they are "just friends" or "there is nothing going on, your paranoia is a real problem" etc and feel little or no guilt. You as the spouse/SO are an obstacle to the affair, and they don't feel bad about mistreating you as long as they see you as an obstacle.

 

When Dday happens, all of that denial they heaped up during the affair comes crashing down in the form of guilt, and they sound genuinely sorry for what they have done. They swear love and fidelity, and reconciliation. They vilify the OW/OM. Some do, anyway. It depends on how willing they are to let the OW/OM go.

 

What to do you in your case? Find out if your wife has true remorse for what she has done, or if she is merely guilty. There is a difference. If you can get her into counseling, perhaps you can find out for sure if there is a chance for you two.

[Suny1]

My marriage was boring. I had done everything I knew to get the *fire back and it did not come. We had talked of separating for years but just stayed because we were comfortable enough to stay.

We stopped talking about it and I kept thinking about it.

 

I happened to meet this guy...told me he wasn't married...we hit it off instantly. We started meeting everytime he was in town. It wasn't all for sex, we got along perfect. Liked the same food, etc. It was just so refreshing!! I knew him about 4 months before he told me he was married.

By then, I was hooked and didn't want to end it. We talked most everyday and I was happier than I had been in years. I did NOT see an ending to this. We would say... how long are we going to do this?? That would always follow with a *forever.

His W busted him and I talked to her... the first time he *fixed it with her and we continued on.... me... believing by now..that we were going to be together someday... It was just toooo perfect.

 

This time.... she caught him the same way and we have ended it. We talked and decided to see how things go.. I am not separated(not because of this). He is trying to work on his marriage.. he tells me he owes this to her. There is NC and I am going on with my life.

Iffff.... we hadn't have gotten caught... we would still be seeing each other.... orrrr..... I would have read enough posts here to get myself out before this happened. If he shows up one day and is divorced... I will go with him. But for now... I am letting him do whatever he needs to do and trying to move on from it. Umm.... one day I hope to come back and say... I WON'T go with him if he shows up!!

 

If you want this marriage to work... you have to give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe some counseling... but you can't go on thinking about *your list of questions. You are going to start resenting her and that is going to change it all into something else.

[Cobra_X30]

My marriage was boring. I had done everything I knew to get the *fire back and it did not come.

 

That is so dumb I'm speachless.

 

She now says that it was a stupid mistake, and that she loves me more than anything in the world.

 

BSA, You only get 1 life. Every day is here then gone, and you dont get it back. I know you want to reconcile, but the questions... the pain... the general lack of honesty/remorse. Why waste another breath on her? Why? Is this all you deserve?

 

Listen... I've got a rule. Treat trash like its trash, and value what is valuable. Why value trash?

[blindsidedagain]

I guess I need to tell you what I felt about her before the affair.

She has been more supportive and helpful than I can expect any human being to be.

I am now 8 years sober.

While I was actively drinking, she enabled me, but also got me out of a lot of jams. She did drink as well, but that was mainly due to her tracking me down at a pub, and me not leaving.

For many years our lives were extreme highs and lows.

We never had childen (she wanted them and I didn't).

I got my 3rd dui 8 years ago and it had a huge impact on us both.

I lost my six figure income, and my licence for 11 years.

I was out of work for 3 years due to my record and my inability to travel.

I depleted $100K savings so we could pay bills.

So for 8 years, she has been the driver.

All chores require her to drive, which I am sad about, but I can't drive.

She packs my lunch, takes me to work, and picks me up.

So...bearing all of this in mind, plus many other ways whe has been there for me....I do not consider her trash.

I consider her to be a wonderful, supportive person with a communication problem who ****ed up big time.

In fact, the reason that this was so devastating to me was because she is so

great.

I admired her ability to stick with me during the most difficult of times.

Of course, I have been there for her in many ways, but....up until now, she has been there more.

Would I drive her to work daily whilst packing her lunch....perhaps, but I'm sure it would get to me after 8 years.

So, it just makes it so hard for me to toss her out like trash.

[Cobra_X30]

I am now 8 years sober.

 

I got my 3rd dui 8 years ago and it had a huge impact on us both.

 

In fact, the reason that this was so devastating to me was because she is so

great.

 

Would I drive her to work daily whilst packing her lunch....perhaps, but I'm sure it would get to me after 8 years.

So, it just makes it so hard for me to toss her out like trash.

 

I read your earlier post on this. I am well aware that she has made some sacrafices for you. That's what you do when you love somebody.

 

Yeah, she stood by you when you messed up your lives. It's been tough and you've put alot of pressure on her for your failures. I do not see these things as equal in any way.

 

If you see this affair as an equalizer... that's fine. I don't, but I will be silent out of respect.

[virginiagirl]

That is so dumb I'm speachless.

 

 

 

BSA, You only get 1 life. Every day is here then gone, and you dont get it back. I know you want to reconcile, but the questions... the pain... the general lack of honesty/remorse. Why waste another breath on her? Why? Is this all you deserve?

 

Listen... I've got a rule. Treat trash like its trash, and value what is valuable. Why value trash?

 

I'm new to the boards, but I have to say Blindsided it's your marriage and you get to decide if you want to work towards reconciliation or not. Don't let other posters make you feel bad for wanting to reconcile with your wife if this is what you BOTH truly want. With that said, I think women cheat for so many reasons and it's hard to know for sure if your wife's explanations are true for her. You may not believe or agree with her explantations, but that doesn't mean they aren't very real in her mind.

 

Since you asked for personal stories, in my case, I had a classic exit affair. I had checked out of the marriage a good ten years before I left. My exH was not abusive, not a habitual cheater but we were very emotionally detached. We lived parallel but separate lives with sex maybe once a month, separate bank accounts, separate friends, separate hobbies, even separate vacations sometimes and we seemed to converge only in child-related matters. I planned to leave when the college years arrived, and my affair was in part a way for me to escape my own loneliness, and partly as a way to finally get the courage to end the marriage.

 

My exH did not ask about penis size etc, and I'm not sure what I would have said if he asked. But just so you know, affair sex probably appears more passionate because it is with someone new, and there is the forbidden aspect. So I'm not sure that comparing yourself physically to the other man really helps you much. When/if you are further along in your reconciliation with your wife, perhaps a more useful question might be to ask what you can do together to make the married sex more exciting for BOTH of you? I wish you the best of luck and I'll try to answer any other questions you may have if I can help.

[virginiagirl]

Blindsided, I just read your latest post and based on this I can tell you she may have built up LOTS of resentment towards you over the years. I agree that we sacrifice for the people we love, but there are those of us (often women) who have a hard time saying "enough is enough" and demanding better behavior or making the choice to walk away. Instead we just stuff the feelings and resentment and hurt until they explode in ways that aren't healthy.

[blindsidedagain]

If I felt it was an equilizer, I wouldn't have been smashing stuff for the past 6 weeks, or hitting a heavybag until my hands bleed.

I am merely saying that I was happy before and pleased with her.

It just makes it hurt worse.

If she were indifferent, and we argued a lot, I guess it wouln't have been so unbelivably shocking.

I realize that I too have been there for her in the past, even when I was drinking.

I just don't know what to do because I can't turn off the love feelings that I have for her.

What she did was my worst nightmare, but I can't make it go away.

I have 2 major choices, stay and work it out, or ....go thru a time consuming difficult break up.

[Cobra_X30]

If I felt it was an equilizer, I wouldn't have been smashing stuff for the past 6 weeks, or hitting a heavybag until my hands bleed.

I am merely saying that I was happy before and pleased with her.

It just makes it hurt worse.

If she were indifferent, and we argued a lot, I guess it wouln't have been so unbelivably shocking.

I realize that I too have been there for her in the past, even when I was drinking.

I just don't know what to do because I can't turn off the love feelings that I have for her.

What she did was my worst nightmare, but I can't make it go away.

I have 2 major choices, stay and work it out, or ....go thru a time consuming difficult break up.

 

Well, when I marry someone I'm going to take that for better or worse part seriously. In fact, I think thats the part that shows who you really are.

 

I'm my wife got drunk and paralyzed herself in a car accident. I wouldnt leave... and I wouldnt cheat. I know this because of who I am inside, because I've been through that fire already and come out the other side unscathed. What would you do?

 

If you stay, you better stay for the right reasons! Do it because you love her... and you can forgive her.

 

Now... gather whatever info you need from these ladies.

[stampdaddy]

I'm new to the boards, but I have to say Blindsided it's your marriage and you get to decide if you want to work towards reconciliation or not. Don't let other posters make you feel bad for wanting to reconcile with your wife if this is what you BOTH truly want. With that said, I think women cheat for so many reasons and it's hard to know for sure if your wife's explanations are true for her. You may not believe or agree with her explantations, but that doesn't mean they aren't very real in her mind.

 

Since you asked for personal stories, in my case, I had a classic exit affair. I had checked out of the marriage a good ten years before I left. My exH was not abusive, not a habitual cheater but we were very emotionally detached. We lived parallel but separate lives with sex maybe once a month, separate bank accounts, separate friends, separate hobbies, even separate vacations sometimes and we seemed to converge only in child-related matters. I planned to leave when the college years arrived, and my affair was in part a way for me to escape my own loneliness, and partly as a way to finally get the courage to end the marriage.

 

My exH did not ask about penis size etc, and I'm not sure what I would have said if he asked. But just so you know, affair sex probably appears more passionate because it is with someone new, and there is the forbidden aspect. So I'm not sure that comparing yourself physically to the other man really helps you much. When/if you are further along in your reconciliation with your wife, perhaps a more useful question might be to ask what you can do together to make the married sex more exciting for BOTH of you? I wish you the best of luck and I'll try to answer any other questions you may have if I can help.

 

VG, question. Did your exH feel the same way about the M as you? Did you get caught? If so, did he want to save the M? If so, what did you do?

Thanks

[LotusLaLune]

I'm not sure my reply will be of much help as I am fairly young (early twenties) and have never been married.

 

I have, however, lived with a few boyfriends and been involved in a couple of longterm (2 + years) serious relationships.

 

I cheated, at one point in my life, on a few boyfriends. I have regretted it ever since. I now consider myself a changed person, and I know I would never do something like that ever again.

 

Why? Because I've realized that when I did cheat, I was in an absolutely HORRIBLE place in life. I was in my late teens, my parents divorced, I had run away from home, I dropped out of school, I had no direction, no role models, no support.

 

I was anorexic and suffering probably from a number of mental problems, clinical depression to be sure.

 

I can't even really tell you WHY I cheated when I did. I was unhappy with myself mainly - in some sick sense I felt sex with another validated my attraction, this made me feel desirable, this made me feel better about myself ... actually it made me hate myself even more because then I felt guilty, and it turned into a vicious cycle - I felt worthless, and if I am worthless what is the point of entertaining morals and consequences?

 

Best advice I can offer ... insecurity and depression are - YES - two of the leading causes of cheating. She has problems, and until she fixes these and comes to term with them herself, she will probably continue to hurt you and be untrustworthy.

 

Does she love you? It's very possible that in her mind and even heart, she DOES, but she cannot fully comprehend or understand her own actions.

 

My adivce to you - separate until you both have had time to deal with this and then after some time re-examine the situation - if you still care for and love each other, you might have a second chance.

[virginiagirl]

 

 

Best advice I can offer ... insecurity and depression are - YES - two of the leading causes of cheating. She has problems, and until she fixes these and comes to term with them herself, she will probably continue to hurt you and be untrustworthy.

 

I'd like to echo Lotus thoughts on the role of depression in the infidelity dynamic. During the last few years of my marriage I was horribly depressed, but didn't really believe it because outwardly I was functioning. I don't know if I was clinically depressed and I've never been on anti-depressants, but now that I'm divorced and pretty happy with my life I can look back and see just how sad and desperate I was then. Most days (even pre-A) I couldn't find anything to get excited about besides the kids, I was withdrawn and cynical about life in general. As Lotus said, I'm in a completely different place now. For me I needed to leave the marriage to get to this place. Other people are able to sort out their problems together with a spouse. I think it depends on how hard you want to work on it TOGETHER and how deep your individual problems are.

[virginiagirl]

VG, question. Did your exH feel the same way about the M as you? Did you get caught? If so, did he want to save the M? If so, what did you do?

Thanks

 

Stampdaddy (OK how on earth do people decide on user names????), my husband suspected, and when he asked me I thought for a split second about lying, but I wanted it all to be over and out in the open so I confessed. Like I said in retrospect it was an exit affair. With respect to the marriage, he said he was fairly happy and just assumed married people stopped having much sex or showing affection over time. When I stopped saying "I love you" or trying to hold his hand or be affectionate I honestly think he was relieved and thought I was on board with his view of marriage. His only complaint really was that we didn't have sex more often. In reality it just meant I stopped wanting to work on it. He did want to give the marriage one last shot, but in my heart I knew I didn't have it in me. I didn't want to go through a charade of reconciliation and "working on it" when in all probability the end result would have been the same. At the time he was very hurt and bitter as you would expect someone to be when they are betrayed.

[norajane]

What kind of sex did they have?

 

Was he a good lover?

 

Did it last long?

 

Was it passionate?

 

Did he have a big penis?

 

Did they have all kinds of sex?

 

How many total times did they have sex?

While some of the questions running through your mind are valid to ask, and will give you an understanding of their affair, why, and how, these above are 'bad' questions to ask.

 

The answers will likely make your pain worse, because you will have specific details to focus on that you can't get out of your mind. And they don't really get to the heart of what you need to know now - whether your wife is committed to you and to repairing your relationship, and what the affair means to her, to you, and to your marriage. If you know how long he lasted as a lover, that's where your mind will focus, which means you'll be distracted from the real issues behind her cheating.

 

I can understand that you want to know, and these are tough questions to get out of your mind, but the gory details about his penis size, etc., is irrelevant - that's not why she had her affair, and knowing what positions they did it in won't help you understand either your wife, your marriage, or whether you can stay married to her.

 

The only reason I would ever recommend asking those types of questions is if your imagination is painting a picture that's far worse than any reality could be. Then it might be helpful to know his penis wasn't much different from yours or to know they only had sex at his place and never in your bed. Otherwise, the vivid images those answers will leave in your mind will make any reconciliation impossible and will only add to your pain.

[Woggle]

Forget the whys and just leave her. She seems to have no remorse and she obviously does not care about you so why waste anymore time on her? She sounds like a self centered woman with an entitlement complex who wraps it up in a bunch of emotional gobblygook.

[stampdaddy]

Stampdaddy (OK how on earth do people decide on user names????), my husband suspected, and when he asked me I thought for a split second about lying, but I wanted it all to be over and out in the open so I confessed. Like I said in retrospect it was an exit affair. With respect to the marriage, he said he was fairly happy and just assumed married people stopped having much sex or showing affection over time. When I stopped saying "I love you" or trying to hold his hand or be affectionate I honestly think he was relieved and thought I was on board with his view of marriage. His only complaint really was that we didn't have sex more often. In reality it just meant I stopped wanting to work on it. He did want to give the marriage one last shot, but in my heart I knew I didn't have it in me. I didn't want to go through a charade of reconciliation and "working on it" when in all probability the end result would have been the same. At the time he was very hurt and bitter as you would expect someone to be when they are betrayed.

 

Thanks for the candor.. Children? I wish my MW was as honest as you were.. BUT, she wasnt and probably never will be...

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Virginiagirl>

Blindsided, I just read your latest post and based on this I can tell you she may have built up LOTS of resentment towards you over the years. I agree that we sacrifice for the people we love, but there are those of us (often women) who have a hard time saying "enough is enough" and demanding better behavior or making the choice to walk away. Instead we just stuff the feelings and resentment and hurt until they explode in ways that aren't healthy.

 

 

Virginiagirl is right. After so many years of not being heard we finally give up. Selfish Hs usually feel happy about this, but they should really be bracing themselves.

 

BSA, I read your long list of Qs. Please don't go there because I am sure the physical part doesn't really matter. For most women, they cannot love physically without loving emotionally. It is the emotions you should be concerned about. I swear, if my H could be half the emotional creature MM is, I would end it this second. Women cannot and should not be ignored by the very man who promised to love and cherish them. I am not saying you didn't do this, just giving you the perspective you asked for based on my personal sitch. BTW, my MM is the absolute perfect fit for me sexually, but I would take the emotional fit over the sexual one any day.

[blindsidedagain]

Help needed.

 

I posted earlier that I learned of the affair which is what stopped it (hopefully).

Anyway, this affair went on supposedly 4 months.

I gave her a few hints during this time that I was suspicious, but that did not stop her.

Also, she informed me that he tried to end the affair, but she resumed it by calling him again.

So, how long would this affair have continued?

Until I found out...a year later....5 years later.....would she have left me?

She claims that she new it was wrong, and that she had no plans to leave me.

Why then didn't she stop it when she had the opportunity?

[White Flower]

Help needed.

 

I posted earlier that I learned of the affair which is what stopped it (hopefully).

Anyway, this affair went on supposedly 4 months.

I gave her a few hints during this time that I was suspicious, but that did not stop her.

Also, she informed me that he tried to end the affair, but she resumed it by calling him again.

So, how long would this affair have continued?

Until I found out...a year later....5 years later.....would she have left me?

She claims that she new it was wrong, and that she had no plans to leave me.

Why then didn't she stop it when she had the opportunity?

 

In my case, being caught would not have stopped me from getting what I needed. It just so happens that I cannot continue the A because I know I need and deserve more. Your wife could have already discovered this on her own already; we all have different needs. Most of us do end it and you'll see that if you visit these boards long enough. Somehow we delude ourselves into thinking that we can handle a part time thing. "Loving him for a little while is better than never having loved him at all" sort of mentality. I think the long term As tend to happen with the richer kind of MM who are keeping their OW; forgive me if I'm wrong to anyone who reads this. It appears that the wandering wife has short term As as far as I can see here at LS.

 

Stopping the A is not a matter of opportunity. Having it was. Sounds like she was searching for something and maybe she already got it: self esteem, validation, better sex (sorry). If you are willing to go through this with her and fight for her then you'll eventually help her get it from you and finally you'll be OK.

[indianlover]

For those woman who have cheated please help me.

If you want my story details, see my other post.

Although I have learned of the affair 6 weeks ago, I did not ask any details.

I want to ask the following questions.

 

How long have they been having sex?

 

Where and how did they first have sex......how did it go from platonic to sex?

 

Where and when did they meet?

 

What kind of sex did they have?

 

Was he a good lover?

 

Did it last long?

 

Was it passionate?

 

Did he have a big penis?

 

Did they have all kinds of sex?

 

How many total times did they have sex?

 

Did he tell her he loved her....Did she tell him? (he called to tell me he loved her, why woundn't he tell her?

 

How long had they been talking before they had sex?

 

Why was she attracted to him?

 

If she is so guilty now, why did she not stop the affair b4 I found out?

 

These thoughts constantly reel in my head.

Is it good to ask these questions?

Were you asked these questions?

Did you answer honestly, or did you minimize your responses?

 

These questions are totally understandable. I asked the similar ones when I was in your situation.

 

On one hand answers to the questions help - it helps you feel like you are no longer in the dark.

 

On the other - you may feel suspecious of her answers (think she doesn't want to tell you the truth and hurt you) or you may hurt really badly to know the truth.

 

For me, I felt both. On the one hand once my questions were no longer there and I could grasp the depth of the betrayal. On the other some things - sexual positions, etc - I could no longer do without thinking about him with her. Best wishes - IL

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. So, how long would this affair have continued?

Until I found out...a year later....5 years later.....would she have left me?

 

2. Why then didn't she stop it when she had the opportunity?

 

1. Until one of both of them got bored, busted or moved on to someone else. Would she have left? Probably not. If she was going to leave, she would have by now and would not be attempting to keep you.

 

2. Because she didn't want to. People who are in an affair and want to stay in the affair will only stop when forced to by outside influences.