Friends vs Lovers.

[WhySkyCastles]

Or you will be drawn to women who you subconsciously know will hurt you and then you can realize and justify the fears even more.

 

Self sabatoge.

 

True! This has happened to me more than once, so it makes sense now. I would almost rather get hurt by them than face my fears-- though I don't regret any of it, its all a learning experience, and times can be fun, (until you hit the inevitable, ice-cold brick wall of apathy).

 

If this thread helps anyone else I'd love to know!

[mydreams]

answerplease37

 

WhySkyCastles Although you haven’t answered my earlier question about how do you know she loves you, Iwill assume she told you and will comment on you last posts.

It is I who have to overcome this fear, by either distancing myself or helping her find someone. Or by stepping up and telling her that I've grown to love her, despite all this time we've spent together as "just friends".

Do you really think that distancing yourself from her without any explaining anything to her will help her? How do you think she will feel about this? Don’t you think she will wonder what she has done wrong to lose your friendship? Do you think that helping her find someone will be the solution to your fears, did you take into consideration her feelings here, especially when you say you know she loves you?

 

1. They are too scared to hurt them, or too scared of being hurt again.

Well why would it hurt her, the only fear that exists here is the one YOU have of being hurt.

 

2. They'd rather they distance themselves to help their friend find someone who is not afraid to love them fully.

… Where is the “shining armor”?? This in no way this will resolve any problems, this will only allow both of you to suffer more, especially since you say she has feelings for you and you will allow to let your fears to take over.

3. They are too scared to step up and tell them how much you've grown to love them, for fear of the unknown - what if I lose their friendship

This is the only point: YOUR FEARS!! Do you really think that if your statement is correct you will really lose her friendship? Aren’t you more afraid that you might be correct and that she does love you?

4. They feel that the "the timing is not right".

2 Questions come to mind: Why would the timing be off? Will the timing ever be right? If there is a good reason for the timing not to be right, then maybe you should tell her and let her know that the timing is not right but you can continue to be friends and figure the rest out down the road

 

You're a good friend if you love and care for each other and show it. You're not a good friend if you keep things like this to yourself.

 

What is really happening here is a failure to be open and honest, and it is a selfish rationalization.

As I stated earlier the most important thing I would expect from a friend is honesty and truth, I think you started to see that this is a selfish attitude and this is a good first step, now you just need to go the extra step and speak up.

 

This probably helps anyone who is involved in a friendship, since we’re addressing the issue of honesty in friendship. In your particular case this involves deep feelings, but all human relations involve some type of feelings and honesty. This gives us all something to think about in our relations: are we genuinely truthful weather with our friends or family members.

I think most of all of us have been at some time of our life in a similar situation and had to make choices. I understand that you have your personal issues and have to deal with it but don’t ignore her feelings and make sure you care and show her you love even just as a friend. She may be feeling really hurt if she cares for you and your attitude makes her doubt you as a friend. Just make sure you reasure her of your friendship

Edited January 5, 2008 by mydreams

[WhySkyCastles]

mydreams, I told her how I felt, in that over time I've grown a love for her, there's nothing wrong with that, and was open and honest about everything, in a simple way, there's so much to it, if you go back and really read through the first post and understand it all fully, but now she knows where I stand, and she is okay with it.

 

We're good friends and she actually told me she would like to stay friends, which was a big surprise to me, because so many things told me otherwise.

 

In any case, I do hope this is a good thread and hopefully others can learn from this. Love can grow through time, don't be afraid to show it when it does!

 

We all need to be sensitive to our friends feelings, and open about our own, or we are not really their friends.

[Trialbyfire]

WhySkyCastles, I'm probably one of the few posters that agrees with you remaining friends with her, instead of pursuing anything more. If you're not all in, better to be at a distance.

[WhySkyCastles]

WhySkyCastles, I'm probably one of the few posters that agrees with you remaining friends with her, instead of pursuing anything more. If you're not all in, better to be at a distance.

 

Thanks Trialbyfire, If I can't be "all in" it won't be fair to either of us.

She knows exactly how I feel and thats what is important.

I hope any woman would do the same for me.

 

Perhaps over time my love will grow for her even more, and perhaps she will feel the same way, but at least we BOTH know where each other stands, we've had open and honest communication-- and are not afraid to share any feelings--- even if it means we would could both lose a good friendship.

 

In the long run this is healthier for us both, and will hold neither of us back.

 

Now this is my opinion and please correct me if I am wrong!! And I really think this applies mainly to men, but some of it applies to women too:

 

If you are ever stuck in a situation where you feel you love a friend and they don't love you back, consider that you might be spending so much time thinking and trying to love this ONE person when you could be spending all that energy and time on someone who will love you back fully, and actually give you back the love you so deserve.

 

A strong and lasting love CAN grow out of a friendship, but don't be fooled into thinking that "through time it will happen", you both have to always be open and honest with each other, know how each other feels, and always "be on the same page" as friends for this to happen, else you are creating expectations and you are setting yourself up for disappointment-- or worse, the famous "just friends" self-abuse, where we constantly give our attention, devotion, trust and support because (well, because WE LOVE THEM!) and we hope that they will love us back, but they never really do. (or never really love us back the way we love them.)

 

Real Love can grow out of a friendship, but just like anything else in life, it must be nurtured and built on strong foundation.

 

The idea is to have many "potential partners", meet as many people as we can who we feel we could be truly compatible with, make friends who you can REALLY trust and be open and honest with-- Don't make the mistake of loving the only person you happen to get along really well with as friends- unless they do the exact same for you.

 

There are many many people in this world who will put in the same effort to love us as we would love them, we just need to get out there and find them, and you never know, they could very well be your friend-- if thats the case, you'd better let them know, they might feel the exact same way, and be too scared to show it.

[mydreams]

mydreams, I told her how I felt, in that over time I've grown a love for her, there's nothing wrong with that, and was open and honest about everything, in a simple way, there's so much to it, if you go back and really read through the first post and understand it all fully, but now she knows where I stand, and she is okay with it.

 

We're good friends and she actually told me she would like to stay friends, which was a big surprise to me, because so many things told me otherwise.

 

In any case, I do hope this is a good thread and hopefully others can learn from this. Love can grow through time, don't be afraid to show it when it does!

 

We all need to be sensitive to our friends feelings, and open about our own, or we are not really their friends.

 

I have carefully read and fully understood your first post but you also said a few posts after:

I'm curious to find out what others would say in a similar situation: What would you say to your genuine friend if you found out she loves you, but you -DO NOT- feel the same way towards them.

 

I asked you several times how you knew, and if she told you? These all together made me convinced that you should speak up.

I'm glad that you were able to speak up and make the situation clear.

About her still wanting to be friends, you see she's stick by your side, she might be giving the correct signals but feel that timing is not right, doesn't mean you read it wrong...

I truely think the most important is that both of you know where eachother stand. TBF is correct to say if you're not all in then friendship is the best route, but it has to work for noth and both ways.

 

Now this is my opinion and please correct me if I am wrong!! And I really think this applies mainly to men, but some of it applies to women too:

 

If you are ever stuck in a situation where you feel you love a friend and they don't love you back, consider that you might be spending so much time thinking and trying to love this ONE person when you could be spending all that energy and time on someone who will love you back fully, and actually give you back the love you so deserve.

 

A strong and lasting love CAN grow out of a friendship, but don't be fooled into thinking that "through time it will happen", you both have to always be open and honest with each other, know how each other feels, and always "be on the same page" as friends for this to happen, else you are creating expectations and you are setting yourself up for disappointment-- or worse, the famous "just friends" self-abuse, where we constantly give our attention, devotion, trust and support because (well, because WE LOVE THEM!) and we hope that they will love us back, but they never really do. (or never really love us back the way we love them.)

 

Real Love can grow out of a friendship, but just like anything else in life, it must be nurtured and built on strong foundation.

 

The idea is to have many "potential partners", meet as many people as we can who we feel we could be truly compatible with, make friends who you can REALLY trust and be open and honest with-- Don't make the mistake of loving the only person you happen to get along really well with as friends- unless they do the exact same for you.

 

There are many many people in this world who will put in the same effort to love us as we would love them, we just need to get out there and find them, and you never know, they could very well be your friend-- if thats the case, you'd better let them know, they might feel the exact same way, and be too scared to show it.

I think your comments apply in it's totality to both Men and Women

 

I don't disagree with you, but I don't agree completely there either. Although most of this is correct, love is something that is altruistic and can bring the person giving it as much just for giving and not expecting anything in return.

By the way THANKS!!

 

Let us know how this will evolve...

[SMG123]

I really like this. Fact is none of us can really fully understand why someone would write something like this - but it seems so very sincere. i don't want to judge it - i don't dare to judge it - it's simply a person, expressing their feelings in regards to someone else. all that we can do - in the internet world - is read it and take it for what it's worth.

 

what's interesting about these posts on these b-boards is that when you choose to respond it says so much about yourself than it does about the original poster. because after you read something so sincere and truthful from a faceless, nameless author on the internet, you can't help but to respond to it as you were responding to a part of your own psyche.

 

Although I don't feel I can relate to everything in this post, there are parts of it that truly moved me - and i think that's what this forum is for.

[Trialbyfire]

if thats the case, you'd better let them know, they might feel the exact same way, and be too scared to show it.

Most of what you said I understand and am either in agreement or am ambivalent to it. This last little bit is heavily reliant on personal judgement of your friend. Part of the difficulty is, that even if you feel a lot of caring for someone else, they might not be a good fit, for some serious core value differences.

 

All I can say is to advise caution but this could be applicable to regular friendships or persons of romantic interest. Don't lay all your cards onto the table, at the same time.