Wife has no interest in sex; Is there hope?

[BettyBoop]

You seem intent on there being some culpability on my part, almost as if I am the bad guy here and want to bang my wife until she dies or something.

 

I doubt that is what JamesM is trying to say, what he is trying to find out is if you love your wife above sex 4 times a day. Obviously, since you have stayed, you do. Which is great!

 

If I was with a guy who wanted sex 4 times a day, every single day, then I would never have married him. You said sex declined after the bith of the child? How come nobody has questioned if the birth changed anything inside of her? Women can develop pains during sex down there after vaginal birth - and if that is the case then she SHOULD go to the doctor and try fixing the problem. I agree it could very much be hormonal problems. Your W acts as if the mere thought of being close to you makes her feel sick. Which is extremely bad. But a woman who is just off sex - would not neccessarily be off hugs/kisses unless she thought no matter the gesture - it was always a gesture for sex or if she has hormonal or vaginal problems.

 

She avoids confrontation, and she doesn't want intimacy. I believe perhaps she won't get the picture until you sit down and ask for a divorce. Don't cheat - you'd only prove to her all men cheat. Let her know that you love her, and you want to be loved by her. And unless the two of you can work on the intimacy in the relationship, then you will be gone. You don't need to divorce, you could legally separate. Or basically, you tell her that unless she is willing to provide love and sex for you - you will request an open marriage.

 

Sadly, unless she is willing to cooperate after you tell her THAT, then there is nothing but celibacy, divorce, cheating or open marriage left.

 

Your wife's behaviour is the behaviour of a loveless, cold, woman and that isn't normal. Most women will feel and act like that when they are extremely pissed off at someone - but it will not last for longer than an apology. Therefore, you need to find out why she is so pissed off with you, and for so long.

[Heart Broken Geek]

I doubt that is what JamesM is trying to say, what he is trying to find out is if you love your wife above sex 4 times a day.

 

 

A week. 4 times a week. Which 2 times a week would be fine. 4 times a DAY? Lol... I work... and I think I would have a heart attack!

[JamesM]

I doubt that is what JamesM is trying to say, what he is trying to find out is if you love your wife above sex 4 times a day. Obviously, since you have stayed, you do. Which is great!

 

 

True. My personal method of solving problems is asking questions and listing all possible problems. Then I can start researching solutions. So, when I ask so many questions, it is kinda like a machine gun approach...shoot everywhere, and hopefully we will hit something. I am not saying that you are the reason that there is no sex, but I do know that you can change yourself much easier than you can change her.

 

Now my situation has been different than yours in many ways, yet the problem is the same....no sex or affection. My search brought me here...as did yours, and from here and another board, I found some solutions that improved my situation. This is my motivation in posting to your situation.

 

The fact that you first posted here and the fact that you keep posting indicates to me that you do care about your marriage and do want to fix it. IMO, if you did not, you would not bother spilling your guts here.

 

My way was sitting her down on the couch, looking her in the eyes and saying "We need to go to therapy because I am afraid this marriage is going down the wrong road and it could end and I do not want it to end.

 

What was her response? She saw no problem, so it must be you who has the problem? Actually, my wife said something similar. Since she had no desire for sex and I did, then it wasn't a marriage problem, it was my problem. And since I desired sex and she did not, then it was MY selfish desires that created the problem.

 

She does help, but she works all day too and time is scarce around our home.

 

How many hours a week does she work? What does she do....generally speaking? How many hours do you work and what do you do? When she complains that you don't help, is it because she is still working and you are not? Or is it because she wants you to do the work while she sits?

 

I call her just to say "I love you" and more often then not, she treats me like an interruption in whatever she is doing.

 

When she in the past has responded lovingly (if she ever did), did you expect more? Does she like to talk as friends on the phone?

 

Since she works outside of the home, do you ever visit her at work? Does she have any close friends besides you....male or female?

 

We do enjoy each others company... like room mates. If I try to talk to her she gets mad, starts acting like a child and shuts down. She'll say things like "Yes, lets all attack me.. .lets slam me, I'm an awful person!"

 

First, it is not all bad that you get along great "like roommates." This is something to enjoy...many couples do not. But I understand what you mean, you did not marry a woman to be your roommate, nor did you get married to become celibate.

 

It is always a sensitive area when we talk to our partner about a problem we perceive as theirs when they don't see it that way. While now I can discuss our lack of sex with my wife, this was not always the case. The only way to talk about no sex is without attacking. Unfortunately from my experience, you have passed the point of even discussing sex, because she will view it as an attack on her. Trust me...she knows she has a problem or rather she knows there is A problem, but I don't know whether she knows why. She may. If you could accomplish one thing, it would be to discover WHY she has lost her interest in sex. You and I can come up with reasons, but only she can really answer the question. So all you can do is shoot blindly and hope through detective work, you discover the answer.

 

Yes, we're broke, I get it. Why remind me everytime you talk to me. Having sex is free. What does not having sex do to help with us being broke?

 

Alot. To many women, sex is an expression of love and cannot be associated with stress and division. So, if she perceives you as spending money and creating more financial difficulties even after she has repeatedly talked about it to you, then she will have that on her mind when you want sex. Maybe it is not fair, but it is reality. However, if you sat down with her when she talked bout money and worked out a budget and a plan to get out of debt (assuming you are in debt), then your interest may make a difference.

 

Something or things has changed her interest in sex and more importantly, her interest in you as a lover. Whatever areas of your life that she seems to nag you about...these may hold the key to your problem. I know you can never be perfect, but when she sees that you try to improve, then she will perceive that as love for her.

 

You seem intent on there being some culpability on my part, almost as if I am the bad guy here and want to bang my wife until she dies or something. Am I perfect? Not at all. Thats why I am going to therapy.

 

No, as I said before, you can change you but not her. And I am not perfect either. Perfection is not required for marriage.

 

Could you please explain...why do you go to therapy?

 

I stay at a job that is killing me because I know she needs me to be there. I started going back to school at 30 to become a better person for her.

 

Why does she need you to stay at this job? Can you not find another job? What are you planning on doing when you get out of college? Was your only motivation to please her?

 

You seem to be operating from a standpoint that she wants to open up to me, and I am shutting her down, kicking back in my easy chair and turning the TV up.

 

I listened to her about what happened, offered to help, she got mad (at herself, I am assuming).

 

Interestingly enough, listening does not always mean offering solutions. In fact, offering solutions may come off as someone who knows how to deal with her problems...when it appears that she cannot. This is maybe why she says that you patronize her. Not accusing you but observing. We guys have that tendency. In our minds, we see a problem. Therefore, it needs a solution. But in many women's minds, she just needs someone to listen and affirm how she feels. She needs someone who says that they understand. And the more she opens up, the more she feels that everything is okay and the more she comes up with solutions. Then is the time to offer solutions...unless she asks for them earlier. I do the same thing too often.

 

None of my comments are meant to point the problems at you. It is not that easy. But if you think of this simply as "she doesn't want sex with me," then I know that you will not change your marriage. You will need to see this as "how can I improve my connection with my wife?" The fact that she doesn't want to talk with you and tell you her problems says something about the communication in your marriage. This the most important thing to a woman usually.

 

Does she consider you her best friend? Are you the one she wants to spend time with? And does she want to confide her deep thoughts to you?

 

The answer should be yes...no matter the amount of sex. And today I know the answer in my marriage is yes. About two years ago, I did not know th answer, but looking back, I know it was not yes.

[Storyrider]

HBG, I'm a wife who doesn't want to have sex with her husband. I'm not proud of that fact.

 

I could go into a lot of cause and effect explanations with my specific situation, but it is probably entirely different from yours. We had problems with sex even before we were married but both chose to ignore those problems and marry anyway.

 

There are some similarities in many of these situations though.

 

My most developed theory on women who stop wanting their men sexually is that they never wanted them much in the first place. Something else was driving them to pursue the relationship, and the sex was a side thing they went along with because they wanted to make him happy, and it is the thing to do early on in a relationship.

 

Women are wired differently than men. They can have a high romantic interest and a low sexual interest in a man (Men can't really do that).

 

I believe some women (especially those with less sexual experience or lower sex drives when they're younger) are so out of touch with their own sexual desires that they fool themselves into marrying someone they don't really lust for. Not that the person is repulsive to them, but just that the spark isn't there. They mistake some other kind of interest for a sexual spark. Of course the sex fades. It was weak to begin with. For the woman, whatever else drew her (his kindness, his intelligence, etc.) might be enough to keep her in the relationship. For the man, the absence of sex feels devastating.

 

I believe the anger and lack of affection arise from her frustration at the sexual disconnect, not the other way around. That you want her and she doesn't want you makes her feel guilty. You keep asking her why and she keeps asking herself why, and there is not answer, really, other than the fact that the desire just isn't there. This makes her angry at herself and at you.

 

It is like asking someone over and over why they don't crave tofu even though it is really healthy. If something hits the spot, you want it. If it doesn't, you don't. Being asked why over and over just makes you feel bad about it and want to avoid the source of those unpleasant feelings: you.

 

I don't know how a woman can fool herself into marrying someone who doesn't turn her on, but I believe women do it every day. Maybe because she thinks he is nice to look at, she assumes that is the same thing as lighting a fire in her loins. But it isn't the same thing. Women are taught, marry someone with a good job, who treats you well, who is handsome and smart and kind. And maybe we've never even really felt much of a fire in our loins for anyone, so we don't know what it is supposed to feel like. It is like the wires from the libido to the brain are faulty. Where we should be fantasizing about jumping the guy we want to marry, we're fantasizing about how the wedding dress will look instead.

 

That's what I think.

[JamesM]

 

My most developed theory on women who stop wanting their men sexually is that they never wanted them much in the first place. Something else was driving them to pursue the relationship, and the sex was a side thing they went along with because they wanted to make him happy, and it is the thing to do early on in a relationship.

 

Women are wired differently than men. They can have a high romantic interest and a low sexual interest in a man (Men can't really do that).

 

I believe some women (especially those with less sexual experience or lower sex drives when they're younger) are so out of touch with their own sexual desires that they fool themselves into marrying someone they don't really lust for. Not that the person is repulsive to them, but just that the spark isn't there.

 

For the woman, whatever else drew her (his kindness, his intelligence, etc.) might be enough to keep her in the relationship. For the man, the absence of sex feels devastating.

 

I believe the anger and lack of affection arise from her frustration at the sexual disconnect, not the other way around. That you want her and she doesn't want you makes her feel guilty. You keep asking her why and she keeps asking herself why, and there is not answer, really, other than the fact that the desire just isn't there. This makes her angry at herself and at you.

 

It is like asking someone over and over why they don't crave tofu even though it is really healthy. If something hits the spot, you want it. If it doesn't, you don't. Being asked why over and over just makes you feel bad about it and want to avoid the source of those unpleasant feelings: you.

 

 

 

That's what I think.

 

Storyrider, every once in awhile I come across some post that really hits on my situation in a very real way. Today you did just that.

 

You have raised some thoughts that I had not considered. And I thank you for that. I quoted parts from your post, but all of it applied to me as well.

 

The question to you is...since you have recognized this as a problem for you, what have you done to solve it? Or have you done anything?

[Storyrider]

Sorry OP for this thread jacking. I decided to leave my response here, as maybe my situation will help you to get some insight into yours.

 

James, feel free to PM me, if the below doesn't answer your question.

 

I've been aware off and on of similarities between myself and your wife. Another similarity is that my H is a very religious man, as are you from what I can gather.

 

To answer your question, most of what I've done so far is a lot of thinking. Also I'm in individual counseling, and marriage counseling is probably on the horizon. I hope to get a job soon so that I'm not stuck with the kids so much. My boredom and stress are making things worse.

 

My H will not leave me or have an affair: he doesn't believe in divorce, and he is a straight arrow. But he has largely given up on us ever having a sexual relationship and has resigned himself to it. Now I'm wondering, can I live with this? Especially now that we're done having kids, I want a satisfying sex life and romantic connection. And I don't know if I can have that from him. I don't know if I believe the romantic can survive when starved of the sexual. Thus the roommate phenomenon. Do I want to live the rest of my life with a roommate?

 

My emotional state is sort of messed up right now. In fact, if I imagine him having an affair, which is almost impossible, my main feeling is relief that the burden of ending the marriage would not all be on me. Then when I think of putting my kids through that, the disapproval from family, etc. I think it is impossible and we will just have to live with it and try to improve it as much as we can.

 

Again, OP, thanks for letting me express this here. I will let you get back to regular programming.

[Mustang Sally]

Story -

That post of yours was golden.

 

Absolutely on the mark, for many, many, many women, I'm sure.

 

You often put into words exactly what I think, only infinitely more concise and eloquently than I can.

Thank you, sister. Sincerely.

 

OP - I don't know if this (Story's post) applies to your situation. Certainly, there may be other ways to arrive at the same destination as what you are describing. But really give her post some thought. And maybe have a discussion with your W plus counselor about those issues.

[Storyrider]

Thanks Sally. I always learn a lot from your posts too. And I appreciate your support.

[Heart Broken Geek]

OP - I don't know if this (Story's post) applies to your situation.

 

 

It probably does, but in all honesty, I am getting tired of trying to "guess" why my own wife doesn't want me. She has had near 4 years to explain herself to me. Everytime I try to talk about it, all I get from her is "I am working on fixing myself". Wrong, you are working on being more ignorant. I am almost past the point of sorrow and well on my way to just not caring. If this ends, I will NEVER get involved with a woman who likes horses again. Every one of them I have met have been emotionally unable to relate to any one else but their horses and are almost insane over them.

 

Really, its my fault, I guess. When I met her she was sad because she had to sell her horses. Me, not knowing what they would do to my life, wantedto be nice so I bought her one, whichopened the flood gates. If one is good, I guess 6 is better. Next thing I know, I am 300K in debt over a house 50 miles from where I work and getting deeper in debt everyday so she could have the property to put up her horses. Horse people are seriously selfish human beings.. unless you have hooves. I remember one time I was so sick, I couldn't drive myself to the Dr, I asked her to take me, she said there was no way she could leave work.That same week one of her horses got a tum tum ache and she didn't go in for 3 days. Never again.

[Mustang Sally]

HBG -

Look. I'm certainly not condoning this behavior on your wife's (or any other woman's) part. But if it is related to what Story has described, there is likely very little you can do about it.

 

Maybe when she says "I am working on fixing myself" she is trying to tell you that she is trying to will herself to be passionately into the sexual aspect of your relationship. If she feels like Story has described, there is likely a ton of guilt in her mind, constantly. She knows she f*cked up. She knows it's nothing but unfair to everyone - you, her, your kids (if you have them). And you sound like a nice guy. Obviously you deserve better. She knows this too. More guilt for her.

 

She wants to subscribe to the "fake it till you make it" camp because you are a great catch and you deserve a loving wife, and she doesn't want to let you down. But it may be impossible.

 

On another level, she may even be ok with you getting tired of the situation and deciding to leave, or force her hand. As Story has already stated, that does relieve some of the burden off of her alone.

 

Again.

I don't know if any of this applies to you in reality. I can just say that it resonates with me on a chilling level. And I admit it's completely f*cked up. I hope, for both you and your wife's sake, that there is some other explanation to your situation. I think just about anything else would be more workable than this. Just my opinion - worth about what it cost you.

 

I feel for you, man. On many different levels.

[Heart Broken Geek]

HBG -

Look. I'm certainly not condoning this behavior on your wife's (or any other woman's) part. But if it is related to what Story has described, there is likely very little you can do about it.

 

Maybe when she says "I am working on fixing myself" she is trying to tell you that she is trying to will herself to be passionately into the sexual aspect of your relationship. If she feels like Story has described, there is likely a ton of guilt in her mind, constantly. She knows she f*cked up. She knows it's nothing but unfair to everyone - you, her, your kids (if you have them). And you sound like a nice guy. Obviously you deserve better. She knows this too. More guilt for her.

 

She wants to subscribe to the "fake it till you make it" camp because you are a great catch and you deserve a loving wife, and she doesn't want to let you down. But it may be impossible.

 

On another level, she may even be ok with you getting tired of the situation and deciding to leave, or force her hand. As Story has already stated, that does relieve some of the burden off of her alone.

 

Again.

I don't know if any of this applies to you in reality. I can just say that it resonates with me on a chilling level. And I admit it's completely f*cked up. I hope, for both you and your wife's sake, that there is some other explanation to your situation. I think just about anything else would be more workable than this. Just my opinion - worth about what it cost you.

 

I feel for you, man. On many different levels.

 

 

You know Sally, I have wondered that myself... everything she has stated that I do or do not do, within reason, I go out of my way to correct it. So why hasn;t she? It goes back to your point and what I have wondered.. maybe she wants out, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy". So this is her way of making me leave. I dunno, your guess is as good as mine at this point. All that I know is that I have never been anything other than encouraging to her, I am the guy that even after 7 (close to 8) years is still holding doors open for her and pulling out chairs, making romantic overtures to be turned down, complimenting her (which, when I do that, she gets pissed and tells me "not to lie" to her) and handing over 100% of my paycheck to her. So she can tell me I am spending to much extra gas going to the gym... so I can look attractive, FOR HER.

 

Hell, the only time I've seen her express interest in anything sexually in the last 3 years was when she saw Sahara with Mathew whats his face and she saw his abs. So I figured "ok, she wants a guy in shape, fine". Nope, not it either. She complained that her last husband never tried to better himself, so I go to college (just got my associates, I start my BS in January) and nope, that isn't it either. She tells me I am too depressed so I go to therapy (I am OCD, Bi-polar and co-dependent). Doesn't matter. I come home and bitch about my job, and she hates hearing it, so I am working with a recruiter to find another job. NOTHING makes her happy. I clean up after myself (I am not a slob) I help with the kids all the time, I am an excellent father and from what I have been told in the past, excellent in the sack. My patience is wearing thin.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, I hate to be negative but it really doesn't sound "fixable". Mixing in equal parts of the sage advice that other posters in this thread have given you, your wife isn't interested in sex in general and sex with you in particular. Sad, hurtful, wrong and unfair - but probably true. You may have to consider leaving, if for no other reason than to get her full attention...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

... making romantic overtures to be turned down.....

 

Just trying to help. I am in a marriage which was once sexless but we are now reaching alltime highs in our bedroom. Your screen name Geek suggests you are a scientific personality who may be very intelligent, hard working, and methodical but perhaps (now don't get offended!).... somewhat rigid? calculating? unperceptive?

 

When exactly was the last time you made a "romantic overture" ?

What exactly did you say and do?

What exactly did she say and do?

[jmargel]

She tells me I am too depressed so I go to therapy (I am OCD, Bi-polar and co-dependent).

 

Were you this way before you met her?

 

She acts this way because she does NOT respect you. She does not hold any value to you or this marriage. She has gotten so comfortable with you that she has taken you for granted. She EXPECTS you to do these things, which means that she thinks it's YOUR job to do this. That's why nothing you do will seem special or that it is out of love.

 

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. It's time to do something different. Bring up the idea of seperation, let her know you are tired of being treated this way. I don't know of any other options at this point.

[a4a]

You know Sally, I have wondered that myself... everything she has stated that I do or do not do, within reason, I go out of my way to correct it. So why hasn;t she? It goes back to your point and what I have wondered.. maybe she wants out, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy". So this is her way of making me leave. I dunno, your guess is as good as mine at this point. All that I know is that I have never been anything other than encouraging to her, I am the guy that even after 7 (close to 8) years is still holding doors open for her and pulling out chairs, making romantic overtures to be turned down, complimenting her (which, when I do that, she gets pissed and tells me "not to lie" to her) and handing over 100% of my paycheck to her. So she can tell me I am spending to much extra gas going to the gym... so I can look attractive, FOR HER.

 

Hell, the only time I've seen her express interest in anything sexually in the last 3 years was when she saw Sahara with Mathew whats his face and she saw his abs. So I figured "ok, she wants a guy in shape, fine". Nope, not it either. She complained that her last husband never tried to better himself, so I go to college (just got my associates, I start my BS in January) and nope, that isn't it either. She tells me I am too depressed so I go to therapy (I am OCD, Bi-polar and co-dependent). Doesn't matter. I come home and bitch about my job, and she hates hearing it, so I am working with a recruiter to find another job. NOTHING makes her happy. I clean up after myself (I am not a slob) I help with the kids all the time, I am an excellent father and from what I have been told in the past, excellent in the sack. My patience is wearing thin.

 

see above in bold.

 

She is the only reason you choose to better yourself?

Come on now...... so you hate your job and you decide to look for a new one because she is sick of you bitching about it?

 

So your choices are dictated by her?

 

Sounds like she has to lead you by the nose. ?????

 

So it isn't just sex you lack in this R?

 

But if you had that the rest of this wouldn't matter to you?

 

Just looking at things from a different angle.

[a4a]

It probably does, but in all honesty, I am getting tired of trying to "guess" why my own wife doesn't want me. She has had near 4 years to explain herself to me. Everytime I try to talk about it, all I get from her is "I am working on fixing myself". Wrong, you are working on being more ignorant. I am almost past the point of sorrow and well on my way to just not caring. If this ends, I will NEVER get involved with a woman who likes horses again. Every one of them I have met have been emotionally unable to relate to any one else but their horses and are almost insane over them.

 

Really, its my fault, I guess. When I met her she was sad because she had to sell her horses. Me, not knowing what they would do to my life, wantedto be nice so I bought her one, whichopened the flood gates. If one is good, I guess 6 is better. Next thing I know, I am 300K in debt over a house 50 miles from where I work and getting deeper in debt everyday so she could have the property to put up her horses. Horse people are seriously selfish human beings.. unless you have hooves. I remember one time I was so sick, I couldn't drive myself to the Dr, I asked her to take me, she said there was no way she could leave work.That same week one of her horses got a tum tum ache and she didn't go in for 3 days. Never again.

 

 

Shoot I missed this one.......

 

First of all - not all horse people are selfish. Far from it. I certainly go without so my horses and other people can have things. A selfish person wouldn't give a rip if the horse lived or died.

 

As for a horse with colic..... that can be a death sentence to that horse. They do need 24 hour care - for days in some cases - and you do have to watch them like a hawk.

Were you supportive during this time?

 

Sounds like you have some serious money issues. Is it just you in debt or her too?

 

Financial issues, jealousy issues (jealous of horses), sexual issues, respect issues........

 

Are you my H? LMAO!

 

Maybe if you took some interest in the horses with her..... you know like they tell women to pretend like they are interested in the game, tools, and opinions of their mate.

 

If you want sex...... go order her a new halter for her horse..... or give her a gift cert to her favorite tack store....

[Heart Broken Geek]

Just trying to help. I am in a marriage which was once sexless but we are now reaching alltime highs in our bedroom. Your screen name Geek suggests you are a scientific personality who may be very intelligent, hard working, and methodical but perhaps (now don't get offended!).... somewhat rigid? calculating? unperceptive?

 

When exactly was the last time you made a "romantic overture" ?

What exactly did you say and do?

What exactly did she say and do?

 

 

I chose "geek" because I like sci fi and comic books. I am also a gigging musician, writer (short stories, scripts and comics) and I am fairly athletic.

 

When was the last time? Last night. She hurt her back so I offered to light some candles and use some scented massage oil and rub her back.

 

She made a face like I took a crap on a plate and served it for dinner.

[Heart Broken Geek]

If you want sex...... go order her a new halter for her horse..... or give her a gift cert to her favorite tack store....

 

 

Done, done and done. I have bought her three diferent saddles as presents. I've bought her countless tack and I have instructed my family to get her a gift card for TSC. I bought her some really expensive horse DVDs for Christmas because thats what she wanted. I DVR any horse show I see on TV. I offer to watch the kids all the time so she can go on trail rides, I help her pick stalls and toss flakes of hay. When she is sick I do 100% of the horse related work. I helped her make a horse web site. What else exactly am I supposed to do? Put on a thing and a horse mask?

[a4a]

ok then you do everything right..... just not right for her.

 

There is a piece of the puzzle missing here.

 

I have to wonder what your wife would post in response to your post.

 

Does she have any clue about the way you really feel?

 

Again you had to find a new job because she was tired of you bitching about it. It's like she is responsible for everything, - your broke because of her horses, no sex, she has "pregnancy damage"...................

 

I wonder if she turned down the back massage because she thought your goal was sex.

 

You resent her big time. Hell I am a professional in that field.

 

Perhaps you need to just shoot this horse.....

 

Does she do anything right?

[Cobra_X30]

My most developed theory on women who stop wanting their men sexually is that they never wanted them much in the first place. Something else was driving them to pursue the relationship, and the sex was a side thing they went along with because they wanted to make him happy, and it is the thing to do early on in a relationship.

 

This is very odd.

 

Technically speaking... I think this is an internal problem... not external. I doubt there is a man on the planet... that you could marry, live with, raise children with... ect. That you would be able to have a sustainable desire for.

[Mustang Sally]

This is very odd.

 

Technically speaking... I think this is an internal problem... not external. I doubt there is a man on the planet... that you could marry, live with, raise children with... ect. That you would be able to have a sustainable desire for.

Cobra.

Will all due respect.

 

I think you may just not be capable of fully understanding what Story is saying because I personally believe that it is pretty gender specific.

 

Don't try to invalidate her theory just because it doesn't fit for you or your gender-influenced way of understanding relationships.

 

As I have already repeatedly stated: it may not apply to the OP's situation. But I do believe it to be a very REAL, plausible explanation for SOME sexless marriages. And deserves some thoughtful consideration, as such.

 

Peace.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra.

Will all due respect.

 

I think you may just not be capable of fully understanding what Story is saying because I personally believe that it is pretty gender specific.

 

Don't try to invalidate her theory just because it doesn't fit for you or your gender-influenced way of understanding relationships.

 

As I have already repeatedly stated: it may not apply to the OP's situation. But I do believe it to be a very REAL, plausible explanation for SOME sexless marriages. And deserves some thoughtful consideration, as such.

 

Peace.

 

Trust me... I did think about it.

 

People rarely exhibit behaviors without some kind of payoff.

 

This is a postive feedback loop, which drives thinking and behavior, with a definite possibility for some chemical imbalance.

 

My bet is this. There is a control factor involved here!

[Mustang Sally]

 

My bet is this. There is a control factor involved here!

This may certainly be true.

 

After all, we can reduce all motivations of all people down to base physical/emotional want/need...right?

There is no true altruism...we are merely selfish animals that act, ultimately, only for our own benefit in the final analysis (pun intended)...right?

 

 

 

Knock yourself out, babe....

 

<blowing you a kiss>

[Heart Broken Geek]

ok then you do everything right..... just not right for her.

 

There is a piece of the puzzle missing here.

 

I have to wonder what your wife would post in response to your post.

 

Does she have any clue about the way you really feel?

 

Again you had to find a new job because she was tired of you bitching about it. It's like she is responsible for everything, - your broke because of her horses, no sex, she has "pregnancy damage"...................

 

I wonder if she turned down the back massage because she thought your goal was sex.

 

You resent her big time. Hell I am a professional in that field.

 

Perhaps you need to just shoot this horse.....

 

Does she do anything right?

 

 

My wife wouldn't bother to post, because my feelings aren't worth it. The same reason she won't go to therapy, the same reason she won't read any articles or magazines or books on the subject either. My feelings are all made up and there is nothing wrong with out relationship.

 

Does she do anything right? Of course. If you want to know what, look at what I have said, if it isn't listed there, she does it right.

 

"I wonder if she turned down the back massage because she thought your goal was sex. "

 

*GASP* OH NO! Which is the root of our problem, isn't it? It wasn't my goal to have sex, but if the mere fact that she was worried that physical contact would lead to.. DEAR GOD NO!! sex.... WITH HER HUSBAND!! well, thats kind of my original point, isn't it?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm curious, HBG, what you were hoping to accomplish with your postings in this thread???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Edit - I'm not asking in a sarcastic way, just really wondering...