Wife has no interest in sex; Is there hope?

[Heart Broken Geek]

I'm curious, HBG, what you were hoping to accomplish with your postings in this thread???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Edit - I'm not asking in a sarcastic way, just really wondering...

 

 

I suppose more than anything I hoped I could find someone else in the same position so I could vent. I realize nothing I post here will actually help me, as I can't change her.

 

I didn't expect so many people here would find it shocking that a woman doesn't want sex and the man is doing everything he can do to be the guy she wants him to be.

 

I am also suprised that in 2007 so many people act as if "Well, maybe if you didn't rock out with your cock out and force yourself upon her she wouldn't feel so emotionaly abused..."

 

So far I have found some REALLY cool guys and gals, and some guys with vaginas (with sand up them) and some women who won't ever admit that one of their gender can just be messed up, and it's no ones fault.

 

Oh well, it is the internet, such is life. Thank you for asking. I'm not answerin' in a sarcastic way, just really trying to help you out.

[Storyrider]

This is very odd.

 

Technically speaking... I think this is an internal problem... not external. I doubt there is a man on the planet... that you could marry, live with, raise children with... ect. That you would be able to have a sustainable desire for.

 

Well, that is what my husband says. He says I'm emotionally unavailable and aloof, and that is why I can't be intimate with anyone (his analysis). But how does he, and how do you, jump to the conclusion that I can't be intimate with anyone? Where do you get that idea from?

 

Let me ask you this, Cobra. Are you capable of pursuing a relationship with a woman who you don't want to go to bed with? Say you dated someone, and your desire for her dwindled out after six weeks. Would you be able to continue with that woman into a marriage? How long could you go through the motions, hoping your desire might come back because she was perfect for you in so many other ways. What if she had a great character and was pretty and smart, but you just didn't feel that drive to make love to her? Would you or could you continue with the relationship?

 

IMO, a woman with relatively low sex drive can carry on like this for years, hoping that she will work out whatever is "wrong" with her, and then one day she starts to realize there is nothing wrong with her except that she didn't listen to her own libido years ago.

[JamesM]

 

I didn't expect so many people here would find it shocking that a woman doesn't want sex and the man is doing everything he can do to be the guy she wants him to be.

 

I am also suprised that in 2007 so many people act as if "Well, maybe if you didn't rock out with your cock out and force yourself upon her she wouldn't feel so emotionaly abused..."

 

So far I have found some REALLY cool guys and gals, and some guys with vaginas (with sand up them) and some women who won't ever admit that one of their gender can just be messed up, and it's no ones fault.

 

 

I am not sure what you expected either...beyond venting. But I can say that the fact that you posted here indicates to me that you had hopes to find a solution. Fact is...most here are not saying she is innocent. Most are simply ruling out all possible reasons. We ask you questions and give ideas to you, because some of us have sexless marriages or had them, and we feel that our experiences may actually give you something to try.

 

We could all be wrong, but if it helps you that at least you know that you have done everything that has been suggested, then good. You never know....some of these "guys with vaginas" may actually have been where you are and discovered that it is not all her.

 

But if it is all her and you cannot change her, then your only option will be to leave your second marriage behind you or live with the situation you are in.

[tommyr]

Reading your posts, this is obviously a very serious problem for you which is making you pretty miserable. That means there are 2 possibilities:

 

1) You haven't communicated to her (in terms that she understands) that one of your basic needs for the relationship is not being met

2) She knows your need is unmet (and that you are working to meet her needs) but she simply does not care about your needs

 

So which is it?

[imstunned]

HBG, I'm a wife who doesn't want to have sex with her husband. I'm not proud of that fact.

 

I could go into a lot of cause and effect explanations with my specific situation, but it is probably entirely different from yours. We had problems with sex even before we were married but both chose to ignore those problems and marry anyway.

 

There are some similarities in many of these situations though.

 

My most developed theory on women who stop wanting their men sexually is that they never wanted them much in the first place. Something else was driving them to pursue the relationship, and the sex was a side thing they went along with because they wanted to make him happy, and it is the thing to do early on in a relationship.

 

Women are wired differently than men. They can have a high romantic interest and a low sexual interest in a man (Men can't really do that).

 

I believe some women (especially those with less sexual experience or lower sex drives when they're younger) are so out of touch with their own sexual desires that they fool themselves into marrying someone they don't really lust for. Not that the person is repulsive to them, but just that the spark isn't there. They mistake some other kind of interest for a sexual spark. Of course the sex fades. It was weak to begin with. For the woman, whatever else drew her (his kindness, his intelligence, etc.) might be enough to keep her in the relationship. For the man, the absence of sex feels devastating.

 

I believe the anger and lack of affection arise from her frustration at the sexual disconnect, not the other way around. That you want her and she doesn't want you makes her feel guilty. You keep asking her why and she keeps asking herself why, and there is not answer, really, other than the fact that the desire just isn't there. This makes her angry at herself and at you.

 

It is like asking someone over and over why they don't crave tofu even though it is really healthy. If something hits the spot, you want it. If it doesn't, you don't. Being asked why over and over just makes you feel bad about it and want to avoid the source of those unpleasant feelings: you.

 

I don't know how a woman can fool herself into marrying someone who doesn't turn her on, but I believe women do it every day. Maybe because she thinks he is nice to look at, she assumes that is the same thing as lighting a fire in her loins. But it isn't the same thing. Women are taught, marry someone with a good job, who treats you well, who is handsome and smart and kind. And maybe we've never even really felt much of a fire in our loins for anyone, so we don't know what it is supposed to feel like. It is like the wires from the libido to the brain are faulty. Where we should be fantasizing about jumping the guy we want to marry, we're fantasizing about how the wedding dress will look instead.

 

That's what I think.

 

I totally and utterly agree with this post. I have never been married but I have had long term relationships where I have gone off sex with my partner. I LOVE SEX. I had just gone off my partner. I

 

My last relationship suffered this problem big time. They wanted sex. I didnt. We didnt have sex, kiss or cuddle for ther last 2 years of our relationship. It was always brought up - and they threatened to go cheat. I said go ahead. Would have been my way out, and lessened my guilt as I knew my partner deserved more, but I couldnt give it. I didnt want to even try to get my desire back, for me once its gone, its gone.

 

No amount of persuasion could have got me into therpay or to offer a kiss beyond strained lips. I didnt want to have to go there with a kiss, or more as I knew it wouldnt do ANYTHING for me. i didnt feel any excitiement AT ALL. Rather than have to face reality, and then face up to how I felt I avoided the situation. Facing up to it would have meant facing up to a choice I didnt want to have to make. Have sex with my partner or separate. In the end I'd had enought and we separated.

 

Your wife may be totally different from me - perhaps she has some sort of other psychological or physical problems - but when reading your posts I just felt that the answer is really obvious. She just dosent fancy you anymore. Others may disagree - and as I say, I have never been married, maybe its not that simple. But then again maybe it really is as black and white as that, and we as people spend hours looking for other answers to avoid the one that is staring us in the face.

[marlena]

She just dosent fancy you anymore. Others may disagree - and as I say, I have never been married, maybe its not that simple. But then again maybe it really is as black and white as that, and we as people spend hours looking for other answers to avoid the one that is staring us in the face.

 

 

I truly am sorry but I have to agree with the above extract to an extent. It could very well simply be that your wife does not like having sex with you anymore. It happens!

 

Desire for another person is a very strong instinct that can not be contained,tamed or restricted. It is a primitive impulse. It has a force of its own that can not be stopped. The fact that she once enjoyed it with you is inconsequential. It doesn't mean she has to enjoy it now.

 

I don't know if this is as "fixable" as James thinks. You can not "fix" desire or yearning. It is either there or isn't. It is not something you can force onto a person. You can not ignite the fire in a person whose passion has died.

 

One thing to consider is whether the lovemaking has become too predictable. This can often turn off a woman. Another factor to consider perhaps is whether or not she is suffering from postpartum depression. Or too much stress in her life (work, kids, job, financila problems etc...).

 

In my opinion, your wife's libido is not your most serious problem. She not only does not want to have sex with you but she has cut you off emotionally as well. If what you say is true and you are doing everything in your power to show her your love, then, I can only conclude that she is apathetic towards you, not to mention downright disrespectful and unappreciative of you. It seems she already has one foot out of the marriage.

 

Another possibity is that your wife does not like sex period. Not all people have the same sex drive, Some people, especially women, have an aversion to physical contact or any display of affection. I know a few women like this. They can not stand to touch or be touched. Their husbands call them frigid and their children cold.

I don't know if your wife fits into this category.

 

Or she might have a hidden issue with her weight. She may not feel sexy because of it. This may lead to depression and further binging that leads to more depression and so the cycle repeats itself.

 

Unless you have done something very hurtful to your wife and she is harbouring resentment, I think you should reconsider your stance on divorce. The children will grow up one day and move away and you will have thrown your life and happiness away! In divorce, one divorces his/her spouse and not the children. Good parenting does not necessarily mean living in the same house.

 

Just to be clear, I am not advising divorce. I am only saying that if things do not improve within a decent time frame, you might want to consider it as an option after all. For I agree with you, to stay in a loveless marriage is to condemn yourself to a lifetime of emotional and physical sterility.

 

I do not think celibacy or affairs are the answer. Your best option would be to honestly discuss the possibility of an open marriage. There are couples who have opted for this course of action. Not easy, though!

[Cobra_X30]

Well, that is what my husband says. He says I'm emotionally unavailable and aloof, and that is why I can't be intimate with anyone (his analysis). But how does he, and how do you, jump to the conclusion that I can't be intimate with anyone? Where do you get that idea from?

 

Let me ask you this, Cobra. Are you capable of pursuing a relationship with a woman who you don't want to go to bed with? Say you dated someone, and your desire for her dwindled out after six weeks. Would you be able to continue with that woman into a marriage? How long could you go through the motions, hoping your desire might come back because she was perfect for you in so many other ways. What if she had a great character and was pretty and smart, but you just didn't feel that drive to make love to her? Would you or could you continue with the relationship?

 

IMO, a woman with relatively low sex drive can carry on like this for years, hoping that she will work out whatever is "wrong" with her, and then one day she starts to realize there is nothing wrong with her except that she didn't listen to her own libido years ago.

 

We have the ability to control this if we so choose, that is what makes us human!

 

Why did your desire dwindle?

 

More likely than not, its because no real man can stack up to your fantasy of one. You cannot love if you cannot accept. If you take him as is... instead of focusing on what he is not...

 

Truth is, I don't know you, or your H, I may be daft, I may be wrong. I'm not in you situation... you are. So you may consider what I say... or just write it off. In the end it's your family, not mine.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not think celibacy or affairs are the answer. Your best option would be to honestly discuss the possibility of an open marriage. There are couples who have opted for this course of action. Not easy, though!

Probably the only real option that gives you what you want. You stay in the marriage for your kids, your wife does not "suffer the burden" of your sexual needs and desires and you don't live the rest of your life celibate. Unconventional but workable???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Storyrider]

We have the ability to control this if we so choose, that is what makes us human!

 

Why did your desire dwindle?

 

More likely than not, its because no real man can stack up to your fantasy of one. You cannot love if you cannot accept. If you take him as is... instead of focusing on what he is not...

 

Truth is, I don't know you, or your H, I may be daft, I may be wrong. I'm not in you situation... you are. So you may consider what I say... or just write it off. In the end it's your family, not mine.

 

Of course we have ability to control our actions. I agree with you there, and I agree it is what makes us human.

 

I don't remember what the OP said about how long their sexual relationship was passionate. Mine actually had problems before we were even married.

 

Why did my passion dwindle? I already told you, I don't think my sexual attraction for him was very strong to begin with, but I ignored that.

 

I pasted the rest of my response into a new thread in the sex forum because I thought it would be more appropriate there. I'll post a link to it here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138157/

[polywog]

Wow, I just read through this entire thread, and it is wrenching, and fodder for thought.

 

My own experience is this, and I don't quite get it. I have a very high libido. Always have, and still do even during "perimenopause" middle age. But for me, I always reached a point in my LTRs or my marriage where I just didn't want the guy anymore and had to just put up with it. I'm not proud of that at all. I always had orgasms on my own, DYI...daily and sometimes a few times a day, so I wasn't like I wasn't having a sexual experience. In the case of my marriage, I realize now that I was really pissed off at him and would not admit it, so that makes sense in that case. But the others, I don't know, and don't understand. Usually things would start to get bad for me after about 2 years or so, for what that is worth. And BTW, I never had kids, so that's not in the equation.

 

My last LTR was with a guy who was emotionally unattainable, and interestingly, even after 9 years, I never got sexually bored by him. It's not like he was the best lover ever, though he was extremely sexy and handsome. I think, sadly, that the fact that we could never really connect on some emotional level kept him sexually attractive to me. That's kind of sad, actually.

 

I am not sure what all this means, but it's surely fodder for thought. Does familiarity breed contempt? I hate to think that's so. But after reading this thread, I have to wonder .

[a4a]

I cannot stand my H 95% of the time, but I still want sex from him.

[Cobra_X30]

My last LTR was with a guy who was emotionally unattainable, and interestingly, even after 9 years, I never got sexually bored by him. It's not like he was the best lover ever, though he was extremely sexy and handsome. I think, sadly, that the fact that we could never really connect on some emotional level kept him sexually attractive to me. That's kind of sad, actually.

 

I am not sure what all this means, but it's surely fodder for thought. Does familiarity breed contempt? I hate to think that's so. But after reading this thread, I have to wonder .

 

You already know the answer.

 

Like so many others... your libido is connected to your inner desire to retain your man. It's a genetic imperative.... which does not fit well in our current societal structure.

 

Do you realize this is why we men always complain that the nice guys finish last! These things are linked.

 

You will always lose interest in the love of a man that which is easily attained... and that which is easy to keep!

 

Just as Story, you face a choice. Wander through life searching for a guy who fits this naturally, or understand yourself and change.

[Mr. Lucky]

I cannot stand my H 95% of the time, but I still want sex from him.

Does that say more about you or him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Heart Broken Geek,

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Are your basic needs being met in this relationshp?
   
2. Do you love your wife?
   
3. Are you "in love" with your wife?
   
4. What three things can you identify that is wonderful with your current relationship?
   
5. What three things can you identify that is miserable in your current relationship?
   
6. Does the answer in 4 outweigh the feelings you have in answers to question 5?

This will help you determine what you want and need.

[annieo]

Heart Broken Geek,

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Are your basic needs being met in this relationshp?
   
2. Do you love your wife?
   
3. Are you "in love" with your wife?
   
4. What three things can you identify that is wonderful with your current relationship?
   
5. What three things can you identify that is miserable in your current relationship?
   
6. Does the answer in 4 outweigh the feelings you have in answers to question 5?

This will help you determine what you want and need.

As much as I can understand people wanting a simple, clear even statistical analysis method to solve all relationship problems, I just don't think it's realistic. BHG could answer all the questions, do a cost/benefit analysis and still not have an answer, if he has a soul/heart/mind.

I don't think that oversimplified checklists solve complex relationship issues. It might work if you're just dating someone and not all that involved.

BHG I read your original post an I feel like your wife is really angry (not sure why) not cold. The crying over romantic movies/books, for example, and her hot disdain towards you. She doesn't seem indifferent, and I suspect that her irritation comes from wanting you on a certain level, but being deeply pissed on another (maybe at herself, maybe other unresolved crap from the past). Was this an all of the sudden change, or gradual? You seem like a lovely man, and you appear to really want to keep your marriage intact. I wish you and her the best.

[addicted2love]

HBG....your story is exactly why people have A's.

 

Then the BS is so "hurt" when they find out.

 

You've described my M in your original post. I could have written it myself.

 

I've tried everything...we even went to MC. When I explained to our councelor how not having sex w/ my H made me feel...neglected, rejected, unwanted. I was told I was being to "needy". Nice huh? I exploded! I actually yelled at the councelor and my H..."Where the hell am I supposed to go to have these needs met?" "Are you suggesting that I go outside of my M so that I can feel wanted, desired, loved?" They both looked at me like I was crazy...like it was absolutely rediculous for me to want to have a sexual relationship w/ my H!

 

In my case my H has had A's...I never understood this because here he had a W that was supportive, loving, complimentary and willing. I always thought that maybe he just had a low sex drive, sex (or the lack of) has always been a problem in my M. We've been together for 13 years and I just thought that was just how he was..low sex drive. Man I felt like I'd been hit by a truck when I discovered his A.

 

So when I was contacted by an exBF a year ago I started having an A myself. Only problem is I've been in love with this man for 18 years!

He was the one that got away. He could have written your original post too. His W is the same way. But he won't leave for the same reason you don't (the kids). So here we are...stuck in ****ty sexless M's with people who don't care enough to try...we have A's to fulfill our physical and emotional needs. And when we get caught we're considered scum of the earth because we "cheated".

 

Well guess what sweetheart...you should have listened and been there for me when I've been telling you loud and clear for YEARS that my needs weren't being met!

 

sorry my rant is over.

 

A2L

[Heart Broken Geek]

HBG....your story is exactly why people have A's.

 

Then the BS is so "hurt" when they find out.

 

You've described my M in your original post. I could have written it myself.

 

I've tried everything...we even went to MC. When I explained to our councelor how not having sex w/ my H made me feel...neglected, rejected, unwanted. I was told I was being to "needy". Nice huh? I exploded! I actually yelled at the councelor and my H..."Where the hell am I supposed to go to have these needs met?" "Are you suggesting that I go outside of my M so that I can feel wanted, desired, loved?" They both looked at me like I was crazy...like it was absolutely rediculous for me to want to have a sexual relationship w/ my H!

 

In my case my H has had A's...I never understood this because here he had a W that was supportive, loving, complimentary and willing. I always thought that maybe he just had a low sex drive, sex (or the lack of) has always been a problem in my M. We've been together for 13 years and I just thought that was just how he was..low sex drive. Man I felt like I'd been hit by a truck when I discovered his A.

 

So when I was contacted by an exBF a year ago I started having an A myself. Only problem is I've been in love with this man for 18 years!

He was the one that got away. He could have written your original post too. His W is the same way. But he won't leave for the same reason you don't (the kids). So here we are...stuck in ****ty sexless M's with people who don't care enough to try...we have A's to fulfill our physical and emotional needs. And when we get caught we're considered scum of the earth because we "cheated".

 

Well guess what sweetheart...you should have listened and been there for me when I've been telling you loud and clear for YEARS that my needs weren't being met!

 

sorry my rant is over.

 

A2L

 

Thank you! I appreciate your rant.

[Heart Broken Geek]

As much as I can understand people wanting a simple, clear even statistical analysis method to solve all relationship problems, I just don't think it's realistic. BHG could answer all the questions, do a cost/benefit analysis and still not have an answer, if he has a soul/heart/mind.

I don't think that oversimplified checklists solve complex relationship issues. It might work if you're just dating someone and not all that involved.

BHG I read your original post an I feel like your wife is really angry (not sure why) not cold. The crying over romantic movies/books, for example, and her hot disdain towards you. She doesn't seem indifferent, and I suspect that her irritation comes from wanting you on a certain level, but being deeply pissed on another (maybe at herself, maybe other unresolved crap from the past). Was this an all of the sudden change, or gradual? You seem like a lovely man, and you appear to really want to keep your marriage intact. I wish you and her the best.

 

Thank you! As far as old wounds go, I have never done anything to her that was horrible (I can keep a job, don't smoke, drink or do drugs, I am not physically or verbally abusive... about my only bad habit is porn... which is being used in lieu of real sex). We have argued but nothing that would cause resentment. Our biggest arguments are when I try to tell her how when she does *blank* I feel *blank*.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Heart Broken Geek,

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Are your basic needs being met in this relationshp?
   
2. Do you love your wife?
   
3. Are you "in love" with your wife?
   
4. What three things can you identify that is wonderful with your current relationship?
   
5. What three things can you identify that is miserable in your current relationship?
   
6. Does the answer in 4 outweigh the feelings you have in answers to question 5?

This will help you determine what you want and need.

 

1. Basic needs, as in sex and affection? No. As in food, a place to sleep, that sort of stuff; Yes.

 

2. Yes

 

3. Yes

 

4. She has a great sense of humor usually, indulges my comic books, crazy theories and likes to play the Xbox with me.

 

5. Arguing over money, no sex and no affection

 

6. Dead heat.

[cranium]

Saw this quote attributed to therapist Esther Perel –

 

"The way I see it is that I meet many couples in my practice who may be sexually faithful and are betraying each other in so many other ways. Neglect, indifference, contempt, lack of respect, stonewalling, disqualifying, devaluing, ridiculing, lying, deceit and so on. There are so many ways that people let each other down, betray each other, tear the trust, demean each other, all the while they are sexually faithful. So why is it that we think sexual betrayal is the mother of them all?"

[Cobra_X30]

Saw this quote attributed to therapist Esther Perel –

 

"The way I see it is that I meet many couples in my practice who may be sexually faithful and are betraying each other in so many other ways. Neglect, indifference, contempt, lack of respect, stonewalling, disqualifying, devaluing, ridiculing, lying, deceit and so on. There are so many ways that people let each other down, betray each other, tear the trust, demean each other, all the while they are sexually faithful. So why is it that we think sexual betrayal is the mother of them all?"

 

Why?

 

Because it is one of the few acts that can wrap all those indignities and hurts into one!

[Mustang Sally]

Saw this quote attributed to therapist Esther Perel –

 

"The way I see it is that I meet many couples in my practice who may be sexually faithful and are betraying each other in so many other ways. Neglect, indifference, contempt, lack of respect, stonewalling, disqualifying, devaluing, ridiculing, lying, deceit and so on. There are so many ways that people let each other down, betray each other, tear the trust, demean each other, all the while they are sexually faithful. So why is it that we think sexual betrayal is the mother of them all?"

<applauding>

 

Thanks for sharing that, Cranium.

[Storyrider]

As much as I can understand people wanting a simple, clear even statistical analysis method to solve all relationship problems, I just don't think it's realistic. BHG could answer all the questions, do a cost/benefit analysis and still not have an answer, if he has a soul/heart/mind.

I don't think that oversimplified checklists solve complex relationship issues. It might work if you're just dating someone and not all that involved.

BHG I read your original post an I feel like your wife is really angry (not sure why) not cold. The crying over romantic movies/books, for example, and her hot disdain towards you. She doesn't seem indifferent, and I suspect that her irritation comes from wanting you on a certain level, but being deeply pissed on another (maybe at herself, maybe other unresolved crap from the past). Was this an all of the sudden change, or gradual? You seem like a lovely man, and you appear to really want to keep your marriage intact. I wish you and her the best.

This is simple, yet very insightful. BHG, I think you should reread it. You dismiss it too easily. Anger of the kind described isn't always for obvious reasons like those you stated in your reply. The poster isn't trying to make excuses for your wife's behavior, just to help find an explanation. Do you want to feel "right" or do you want to make headway with the problem?

[JamesM]

Heart Broken Geek,

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Are your basic needs being met in this relationshp?
   
2. Do you love your wife?
   
3. Are you "in love" with your wife?
   
4. What three things can you identify that is wonderful with your current relationship?
   
5. What three things can you identify that is miserable in your current relationship?
   
6. Does the answer in 4 outweigh the feelings you have in answers to question 5?

This will help you determine what you want and need.

 

Actually, the only way this situation will be rectified is if the wife were to answer these questions. And that is not to say that HBG is not honest, but we all know that her opinion is what matters in solving these problems. Her answer may not be correct, but they are her perceptions and either they are correct or they need to be addressed.

 

This is where MC comes into play.

[JamesM]

What a miserable existence!

Never will this scenario play out in my life! LOL

 

Never say never. Speaking from experience, we do not know what the future brings us or how will react.

 

And to make an observation such as this about someone else's life without being in it may be correct, but it may be totally different than reality.

 

Since sex is just a small portion of marriage, it doesn't need to be the measurement of misery or happiness.