Wife has no interest in sex; Is there hope?

[Scrivdog]

..Since sex is just a small portion of marriage, it doesn't need to be the measurement of misery or happiness.

 

Hey James - I think your wife got a hold of your login and posted a message on your behalf

[JamesM]

Hey James - I think your wife got a hold of your login and posted a message on your behalf

 

:laugh:

 

Actually, no. That was a good one.

 

But what I have found out is that there is much more than just sex. Unfortunately, when we do have sexless marriages, then our focus is only on what we don't have...sex. And we forget all of the other things we DO have.

 

So while often sex is a measurement of the level of happiness in our marriage, in reality it is just one of many ways to measure how happy we are.

[Mr. Lucky]

But what I have found out is that there is much more than just sex. Unfortunately, when we do have sexless marriages, then our focus is only on what we don't have...sex. And we forget all of the other things we DO have.

I don't think it works this way. If I put you in a room and give you everything except oxygen, would your focus be on the other things you have? Sex (for most of us) is a basic need. A relationship, given other bonds and pressures, can endure and survive without it, but it can't thrive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Deanster]

Hmmm.... as much as sex and intimacy is important to me, and I have a lot of strong feelings around the profound lack of it in my marriage, I'd say it's not on an 'oxygen' level.

 

While I agree with the theory that living in a gorgeous mansion full of beautiful women and money doesn't do you much good if there's no water, and as you die of thirst, you're not likely to be grateful for the dozen gorgeous women fighting over the chance to sleep with you, I don't think that's quite where sex/intimacy falls.

 

It's more like... chairs. Take every chair, pillow, couch or other thing to sit on out of the house. Leave everything else where it is, set up for using with a chair. Your computer, TV, table, etc. all stay exactly where they are. Then live life eating, drinking, working on the computer, all while kneeling, standing, or sitting on the bare floor.

 

While sitting is technically only a 'small part of life', a life without chairs is just not how we're set up to be. Everything in a house assumes that there are chairs. Without chairs, nothing's at the right height, it's a contortion to reach up from the floor, or down from standing, and it makes the simplest things unpleasant, and needlessly hard.

 

I'd have a hard time being grateful for a house with no chairs, and for eating every meal kneeling next to the dining room table. No matter how good the food, or how beautiful the home, or how wonderful my family, never being able to sit down would drive me crazy.

 

You can live that way, but it's not very pleasant. I think you'd also spend some portion of your days thinking about chairs, flipping through furniture catalogs, considering where you could go to get a chair, and places other than your home you might go and sit down for a while...

[JamesM]

I don't think it works this way. If I put you in a room and give you everything except oxygen, would your focus be on the other things you have? Sex (for most of us) is a basic need. A relationship, given other bonds and pressures, can endure and survive without it, but it can't thrive...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would have to say that while I understand what you are trying to say with your analogy, oxygen is not as important as sex. But I will pretend that it is.

 

My point actually is in agreement with you. When we have no sex in our marriage, then it does become as important as oxygen. However, when sex is as often as we like, then it no longer is as necessary. Take my marriage for instance. While I do not have as much passionate sex as I would like, I am much closer than in the past. But even still, the fact that I know that sex does happen makes it less of a focus for me than if it never happened.

 

The other part of what I have now as compared to the past is that my wife also recognizes that we should be having more sex. She no longer thinks it is my selfish desires. She does think it is a part of marriage. We do discuss ways she or I could make it more often or better. No, not every day, but the fact that I can see that she knows what we are missing and she knows that it needs improvement and that she knows it is something she needs to figure out....this all makes me realize that I could not leave simply because we don't have sex every day.

 

What have we discussed? Medications for women, more time alone together (without the four children), side effects from her medications, stressors that inhibit relaxation...and the list goes on.

 

This is why I can say that sex is not the main measurement of happiness in my marriage.

 

Deanster, you stated on your thread that my situation makes you somewhat less hopeful, because with all my work, I still don't have enough sex. Well, the biggest thing that has been accomplished is that my wife also recognizes the problem. Think of it....if your wife said yes, we have a problem, and I am a big part of it, would that not be a big relief? Would it not give you a great hope that eventually we will stumble on the one thing holding us back completely? And if you saw improvement today as compared to a year ago, would you not keep on going?

 

For me, this is enough to let me focus on the other many things that I love about her.

 

So, while sex may be a "basic need," it doesn't have to be as "basic" as oxygen.

[Mustang Sally]

You can live that way, but it's not very pleasant. I think you'd also spend some portion of your days thinking about chairs, flipping through furniture catalogs, considering where you could go to get a chair, and places other than your home you might go and sit down for a while...

Thanks for that fitting analogy.

I really appreciate it.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Hmmm.... as much as sex and intimacy is important to me, and I have a lot of strong feelings around the profound lack of it in my marriage, I'd say it's not on an 'oxygen' level.

 

While I agree with the theory that living in a gorgeous mansion full of beautiful women and money doesn't do you much good if there's no water, and as you die of thirst, you're not likely to be grateful for the dozen gorgeous women fighting over the chance to sleep with you, I don't think that's quite where sex/intimacy falls.

 

It's more like... chairs. Take every chair, pillow, couch or other thing to sit on out of the house. Leave everything else where it is, set up for using with a chair. Your computer, TV, table, etc. all stay exactly where they are. Then live life eating, drinking, working on the computer, all while kneeling, standing, or sitting on the bare floor.

 

While sitting is technically only a 'small part of life', a life without chairs is just not how we're set up to be. Everything in a house assumes that there are chairs. Without chairs, nothing's at the right height, it's a contortion to reach up from the floor, or down from standing, and it makes the simplest things unpleasant, and needlessly hard.

 

I'd have a hard time being grateful for a house with no chairs, and for eating every meal kneeling next to the dining room table. No matter how good the food, or how beautiful the home, or how wonderful my family, never being able to sit down would drive me crazy.

 

You can live that way, but it's not very pleasant. I think you'd also spend some portion of your days thinking about chairs, flipping through furniture catalogs, considering where you could go to get a chair, and places other than your home you might go and sit down for a while...

 

 

That is an awesome analogy. I may use it!

[Storyrider]

I actually like the analogy too, but there is one fault with it. A missing chair is an object, but a partner who won't have sex with you is a person. So even if it is partly just the sex itself you're missing, it is even more so the intimacy with the person you love most, right?

 

So how does this translate to what the other partner is experiencing? Is the other partner the chair? Or is the other partner also missing chairs? Or does the other partner have plenty of chairs but none of them are comfortable?

[Mr. Lucky]

Hmmm.... as much as sex and intimacy is important to me, and I have a lot of strong feelings around the profound lack of it in my marriage, I'd say it's not on an 'oxygen' level.

I was trying (unsuccessfully, I think ) to point to sex as needed to sustain the life of the relationship. I also like the chair analogy .

 

Maybe it's simpler to put it this way. Unlike most other parts of my marriage, unless the sexual relationship is working well, I'm don't feel happy and content. We could be great life partners, common goals, good health, kids doing well, financially comfortable - without a good sex life, I'm still not satisfied. It's that important to me and, I think, to many other posters here. Shame on the spouses that don't understand that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Heart Broken Geek]

I was trying (unsuccessfully, I think ) to point to sex as needed to sustain the life of the relationship. I also like the chair analogy .

 

Maybe it's simpler to put it this way. Unlike most other parts of my marriage, unless the sexual relationship is working well, I'm don't feel happy and content. We could be great life partners, common goals, good health, kids doing well, financially comfortable - without a good sex life, I'm still not satisfied. It's that important to me and, I think, to many other posters here. Shame on the spouses that don't understand that...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

+1 I agree entirely!

[Mustang Sally]

Alright, Mr. Lucky.

You have compelled me to respond (again! Damn you....)

 

I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying.

 

So. What's the solution?

And what do you do when it's not that one partner is withholding sex from the other, but that one partner just can't be satisfied by the other? Maybe Partner B just isn't open (despite much discussion) to doing things the way Partner A would like. Or maybe there is just no mental/emotional connection in a sexual way for Partner A from Partner B.

 

What is one supposed to do then? Just decide to live the rest of life this way? Because B is a good person, and the socioeconomic repercussions of splitting up are too staggering? Or it's simply A's fault for having some unreasonable "needs" that B can't meet (sexual or otherwise) and A needs to just get over themself and accept B for what they are?

 

I'm thinking I'm really in trouble if these are my only options....

 

<confused>

[Reckless]

If a couple are not intimate, if its not by mutual concent, then what you ultimately have is a situation where one partner, for whatever reason, refuses to recognise the pain of another.

 

Where the needs of one partner (the one that does not want sex) override the other. A good relationship recognises and validates the feelings of both partners and where one partner has a problem (in this case, wants sex and does not) then that issue has to be addresses.

 

If there is genuine love and empathy, both partners seek to understand the mindset of the other and strives at personal cost to himself, to put the other ahead their own selfish desires. If BOTH partners do this no one person in the marriage feels misunderstood.

 

A husband or wife that, fed up because for whatever reason, he or she no longer wants sex and then puts that desire for abstenence BEFORE their partner has devalued their marriage. More than that, the person that fails to recognise the deep pain this causes and refuses to seek the help to find a workable compromise is asking their partner to constantly give (AND suffer) and THAT is an unloving and selfish white elephant that will sit in the middle of even the 'best' of unions.

[TonyD]

HBG: I have been in a similar situation before. I tried and tried, but to no avail. My issue was not so much with complaints and her being mean - it was a lack of intimacy.

 

Sex is only about 10% of a marriage, but when it is lacking, it quickly becomes 90% of the problems. But remember: problems in the bedroom are always a symptom of other deeper problems.

 

I have been there, man. I think I have said the exact same words you used:

 

"I feel so ugly and so rejected and hurt... my own wife doesn't want me. It is eating me up inside." Yep.

 

I would normally say you should do nice things for her, be romantic, hug her, etc. But you are doing all that. It is pretty obvious that she has some serious issues from her past. She may even have a mental imbalance - who knows. But know this - YOU cannot change her. You cannot control her. She has to change from within. Just keep doing what you're doing - be kind when you can - but get her into counseling - for her. And get both of you into counseling for the relationship.

 

If that doesn't work (or she refuses), then you have to make some serious choices.

 

DO NOT have an affair - break off the marriage FIRST. An affair would be hurtful to you, your wife, and most importantly: to your daughter - you are her father and you will shape how she relates to men when she is a woman - a cheating father sets up all sorts of trust issues in a little girl that manifest in behaviors in womanhood much like the way your wife is behaving (how was her relationship with HER dad?).

 

Back to your choices:

 

You can choose to be with her and just keep doing the right things and somehow find contentment - you can be with her and be sad and angry - or you can leave her, go to counseling to clear your head and get it all off your chest and then find someone who will appreciate you.

 

That's what I did - almost. Sometimes getting my ex interested in sex with ME was like pulling teeth - but then she had an affair - and so I left her.

 

Breaking up a family is no small matter. Some say stay together for the kids' sake - but is it good to raise a daughter in a house where the tension is so thick you can cut the air with a knife? I don't think so.

 

I did a lot of counseling and got over my anger and the feeling of being cheated unfairly because I was really trying and she wasn't - and then after 2 years I met my new wife. Wow! What a difference! Someone who appreciates me and is interested in me and has passion even after years of marriage and two children (of course, I work at it and romance her and give her flowers and all that - and I love it).

 

So - there is hope. Either she makes changes in HERSELF or you make some changes. You don't have to be sad. You can only try and do so much.

 

If you choose to make a change that involves leaving her, then just please please NEVER say anything bad about her in front of your precious daughter. NEVER use your daughter as a weapon against your wife in a divorce. It happens too much. My ex and I agreed that our son would be the priority - and we kept it civil and NEVER say anything about what happened or bad about each other in front of him. And he has grown up to be a very stable young man with offers from several colleges because of his outstanding academic achievements. Make an effort on this EVEN IF your wife does not - no matter what she says or does - your daughter will see your example and will appreciate your effort when it counts: for the rest of her life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Alright, Mr. Lucky.

You have compelled me to respond (again! Damn you....)

I try only to use my powers for good .

So. What's the solution?

And what do you do when it's not that one partner is withholding sex from the other, but that one partner just can't be satisfied by the other? Maybe Partner B just isn't open (despite much discussion) to doing things the way Partner A would like. Or maybe there is just no mental/emotional connection in a sexual way for Partner A from Partner B.

 

What is one supposed to do then? Just decide to live the rest of life this way? Because B is a good person, and the socioeconomic repercussions of splitting up are too staggering? Or it's simply A's fault for having some unreasonable "needs" that B can't meet (sexual or otherwise) and A needs to just get over themself and accept B for what they are?

As was posted in one of the other "sexless" threads (isn't it funny how there's always a couple of them going ? ), there isn't any one answer, there are only choices. And an additional aspect of these situations is that most (all?) of the choices can seem gut-wrechingly, soul-numbingly bad or sad or difficult or unfullfilling. Pretty daunting, eh?

 

Trust me, I know no more than the next guy. After going through all this with my first wife, I was simply lucky enough (the 2nd time) to marry the right person. She feels, in her heart of hearts, responsible for my happiness, sexual and otherwise. She sees it as her "job" in our relationship, independent of how much of a knucklehead I might be on any given day. My role is to be smart enough not to screw a good thing up ...

 

Mr. Lucky