anger towards her

[base618]

I don't even know if there is going to be a question in here, but I have stuff bottled up, and need to get it out. My wife left me for another man and moved in with him. This was all within 5 weeks of our last insemination procedure as we were desperately trying to have a child for over a year. She moved out last weekend and is getting the rest of her things this weekend. The house is up for sale, and I'm going today to a lawyer to start the divorce process.

 

What makes me angry is that she "left" our marriage before the last insemination attempt. She spent 5 weeks making my life a living hell, making me wonder what was going on and what was going to happen, all the while focusing on him. So now she's living with him. She gets to come home from work, have dinner with someone, talk about her day, has a shoulder to cry on, someone to have sex with, someone to go out with on Friday/Saturday night, someone to curl up with and go to sleep with.

 

I am alone in the house. We had let our friends go by the wayside while we were together (5 years, married 14 months). I come home from work and do not utter a word to another person, there is no one but the cat to talk to. I have no one to tell how angry I am, I still sleep in the guest bedroom because I can't bring myself to go back to the bed we shared. I know I need to make friends, but I don't even know where to start at this point.

 

I get so angry at her because she took the easy way out. I can't believe she thinks things will work with him, he cheated on his live in girlfriend to be with her. The only reason she could have moved in is because his girlfriend is out of the country for 2 months (who knows what will happen when she comes back). I guess I want her to have some of the pain she caused, but she has none of it.

 

She left her last relationship to be with me in the same manner. It's definately a trend and I was just in love/stupid to think she wouldn't do the same to me. I know that I am better off without her now that I know how mean and cold of a person she is (and thank god we didn't have a child). But I think more than anything I'm mad that I'm not married, not necessarily to her, but married in general. I was the last one anyone thought would get married, and when I did, it was great. Trying to conceive was unbelieveable (unproteced sex 'trying' to get pregnant).

 

I think about the two of them a lot, think about them happy, having dinner, having sex. I don't know why I'm so focused on that. And every thought I have of them, she is so happy, while I am barely hanging on. I think that's what makes me angry the most.

 

I just wanted to vent. My therapist calls them "stream of consciousness" (sp?) where you type quicker than you think and just let the thoughts come out without thinking.

[HarakIgia]

Hi there, I know you were just writing out your feelings and getting things off your chest. I find that helps me too. I just wanted to say do whatever you need to do to get past this time. Try and stop yourself thinking about her and what she's up to. I know it's hard I'm trying to do the same myself and I'll admit today was one of those hard days for me too. But, really did you want to be in a relationship where you were not being respected and loved? I don't think anyone deserves to be treated that way. I hope with time that you're able to reach out to your friends and build up a support system to help you on those days. I know that helps me. Take good care of yourself. I wish you peace of mind, and happiness.

[jmargel]

Look up the 5 stages of grief, it's something that you will be going through. Anger is one of those stages.

 

You can't control what they do, you can only control what you can do. You have to mentally force yourself not to think about them in that way because it only continues to make you the victim. When you are the victim, you are useless and hopeless. You need to get that back. You need to prove to yourself that you are a better person than what she tries to portray you as. You also need to do some soul searching within yourself on your negatives and start some short term goals on how to improve them. Though that is no excuse for what she has done. Her immature and selfish attitude will be her own demise. However people with her attitude usually doesn't recognize their own problems and therefore end up living a life of misery. She lives in the 'now' and looks for instant gratification. The problem with that is, that's how long it only last. A very short time, at a very high price.

 

Try not to place your own self-worth into this, no matter who she would have married she would have done this to, proof as she did this to the guy before you. Though it does hurt (been there myself) I can say from my own experience it does get better and you will be happy again. You just need to grab ahold of that and even through the worst days believe that things will get better.

[sumdude]

jmargel has great points... What you're feeling is natural.. been there. You do need a good outlet for the anger. At some point you'll have to let it go or you'll end up bitter. Do some web searches for divorce support groups.. might find one in your area where you can vent face to face with people going throught this too.Try and look up old freinds, you never know they might be there for you. I find that a lot of people didn't know how to deal with what you're going through. Don't let it get to ya it's just the way it is. After a little bit you'll hear a lot of well just get over it already. Unless someone has been through a divorce they don't quite get it. Those in marriages can be especially uncomfortable hearing your story sometimes.

 

One thing I learned was that if you start to open up just a little to new people around you'll be surprised how many will talk with you. The divorce rate is around 50% so chances are that you'll find someone who'll listen because they've been through it too.

 

check out this website, it helped me a lot with great articles and advice.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

[redblack66]

I found it helpful to re-build my network of friends and talk to them on a regular basis. Last night I talked to three of them and I felt very good.

 

I find it helpful to talk about my problems to strangers. Recently I took a taxi for an hour, and I had a very insightful and helpful conversation with the taxi driver. Also, I got great ideas from a massage therapist.

 

So, do not hold things inside you and open up.

 

Writing in LS is very helpful. There are many people that give great advice. I start my day with LS and finish my day with LS.