feel unwanted

[lexi29]

I've struggled with this for many years and I just don't know what to. I'm the oldest child- have a younger sister. We are close but pretty much total opposites. My parents were very cautious with me, very carefree with her- growing up- we are six years apart in age. Now I'm almost 30 and probably too old to let this bother me. But I generally feel unloved by my parents, or at least neglected. My mom and I talk often- probably 4 times a week. I would say we are close. My dad however (and my parents are still together) I talked to on thanksgiving and once since then when he called me because he was worried about my sister.

 

I've noticed that they play "favorites" with my sister and its been this way for quite a while. I don't dislike my sister for this I just dont' understand it.

When I was growing up, my dad was always proud of our accomplishments, but basically was only happy when we were winning competitions, getting straight A's etc. I was constantly being told that I wasn't good enough- by my dad. He would criticize everything I did- for ex. he would rub it in my face that my cousin was valedictorian and I only had a 3.6. (later this same cousin dropped out of college after her freshman year and now works at a $8hr job meanwhile I graduated from college and have a decent job.

My sister got married this year and lives two states away with her husband. even though they both work, they are now two months behind on their rent, my parents pay her car payment and insurance for her and her phone bill. They are six months behind of most of their bills!! This is after my parents and other family members gave them money. They didnt' have to pay for their wedding either. Their parents took care of it.

 

I've been on my own since I was 22 (after I graduated college) I live on my own and I've never once in my life been late paying a bill. I'm not Ms. frugal but I always get my bills paid. I have NEVER asked my parents for money. My sister "borrows" (as in never pays it back) money from me, and my parents all the time. She is now saying all she and her husband want for christmas is money because they need it to pay thier bills. They dont' have the most high paying jobs but they should be getting by. Now my parents live a few hours away from both my sister and me. I wanted my parents to come to my house for christmas (my sis and her husband are invited too) I've been planning on it for awhile. Well now my mom told me they are going to visit my sister where she lives for christmas because she just asked them too. I can't take the time off work so now I'll basically be spending the holidays with no family.

 

my dad's 60th birthday was in sept. I took him and my mom (and my bf) to the beach adn rented a house right on the water. I paid for it all as a gift to him. (and my mom) We had a great time. My sister was invited but couldn't make it because of work. My parents recently asked us to give them ideas for christmas gifts and my sister gave them this huge list of all these expensive things and I emailed my dad a short list of just some books, a dvd, and some other stuff. Well I talked to my mom and she was telling me that they got my sister all this stuff that was on her list (and they are giving her money to help out with the bills) and my mom asked why I hadn't given them a list or ideas yet. I told her I'd emailed my dad two weeks ago with some ideas. she said he never told her about it. So its not even important enough for him to remember it. I know that sounds petty but their are actually bigger issues that bother me so that just tops it all off.

 

Other things when we were growing up- my parents offered to put a loan for a new car in their name ( I never asked they offered) as a graduation gift from college) their conditions were that I put down $2000- which is a lot when you are making $4.25 hr. I did so and they paid my car payment for one year until I graduated from college and got a job. Well when my sister was 17 she wanted a NEW car. She had my old car but didnt' like it. So she threw a fit until she got one. they bought a 17 yr old a brand new car and she didn't even have to pay for her insurance. Then when she was in college she wanted another new car so they bought her the car she currently has. My parents' rule was we take over our car payments as soon as we graduate from college and get our first "real" job. Well my sister graduated over two years ago and started working shortly after. She's married now and my parents STILL pay for her car payment AND her car insurance. (and they really cant' afford it) I love my sister dearly, but she is NOT responsible. She has a gym membership and is always going out to eat yet they cant' pay their rent or cable bill because they don't have the money.

 

When my mom calls my sister, half the time my sis is rude to her or doesnt' want to talk. She's openly told my dad she doesnt love him and only uses him for the money he gives her. Yet it seems like she's their golden child. When my ex left me and i was devastated and depressed, my parents drove down to where I live to go to an auction (two hours away from where I live) and they were literally five minutes from my house yet they never stopped to see me or even told me they were in the area. I just feel so unwanted sometimes and I don't know what to do.

[JCD]

Cut them off. You don't need them and certainly they are showing you that they don't need you so why work so hard at making them accept you? Don't swim the river upstream. In your case, I would encircle myself with good friends you can spend time with and who support you.

[curiousnycgirl]

WOW I totally understand. I am the oldest by a lot of years (10 and 15) and I am considered the "bad" child. This is despite the fact that i am the only one who bails them out of their financial f-ups, the only one who ever hosts a meal or a holiday, etc. Also despite the fact that I've been on my own for many years, and make them most money, I am considered a total failure because I never got married.

 

I'm probably a lot older than you - so let me tell you what I've learned. I've learned that unless you ask you never get. Despite knowing this fact I never ask, so every once in a great while I get upset about it, however it is the truth.

 

My brother is sort of like your sister, although he is completely independent financially, he yells and screams at my parents and asks in a horrible fashion, yet he is their favorite. I do not blame him for this - it's how THEY behave with him, so it is THEIR fault. I have my own very good relationship with him and I am fine with that.

 

Bottom line is you can choose your friends but not your family. I have been blessed with a circle of really wonderful friends. I spend holidays with them, and know that if I need a shoulder, they are there for me, when my parents never are. In fact my parents never know what's going on in my life. I never tell them because if they act on the knowledge at all, it will be to hurt me.

 

Most people will tell you to cut your family off - I am not one of them. However you need to recognize them for who they are, know you cannot count on them, find others to meet thoes needs, limit your exposure, and develop a good balance with them so that you see them on your terms.

 

I hope this helps.