Rant about lazy partner!

[Grilled]

Sorry about this but I really need to let off steam or I'll explode!!

 

A few days ago I put my back out for the second time recently doing some heavy work around the house....while my other half watched me whilst sitting in front of the TV. What has finally tipped me over the edge is that after I tried to have a reasonable conversation with him last night about him helping around the house he got up, walked away and refused to talk to me. He has now gone up to bed having walked past me on my hands and knees trying to get some laundry done whilst in agony with my back.

 

The joke is that we split up a few years back because he was so lazy, if I asked him to do his fair share around the house he would laugh and say, "It's my house, I'll do what I like" (in fact it is our house). I took him back after he swore he had changed and would never behave like that again. He attempted suicide as well.

 

I wouldn't mind so much if he at least did the 'mens' jobs, but he doesn't even do those - you probably won't believe it but my sister helped me replace rotten joists all through our lower floor, without him lifting a finger, he just disappeared for a few days, conveniently.

 

Not including the time we separated we have been together eleven years - I'm now at the point where I look at him and think.....I hate you. I seem to have gradually taken on all the work and have only noticed now that I'm completely exhausted and at my wits end.

 

Has anyone out there managed to get through to their husband in a situation like this????

[norajane]

Can you afford to hire a housekeeper/handyman?

 

Perhaps if he has to pay for all the grunt work you are doing, he might appreciate its value and choose to chip in with some effort.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do it. I'd do my own laundry and leave his. When he runs out of underwear, shrug and say you were too busy replacing floor joists to do his laundry and he's going to have to do it if he wants clean underwear.

 

But that doesn't resolve the issue of cleaning - you don't want to live in a pigsty and waiting for him to notice or care that the shower is filthy isn't likely to happen before you lose your mind...

 

If he's like this and you pretty much hate him, why are you with him?? What does he bring to your life that makes him worth keeping?

[polywog]

Can you afford to hire a housekeeper/handyman?

 

Perhaps if he has to pay for all the grunt work you are doing, he might appreciate its value and choose to chip in with some effort.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do it. I'd do my own laundry and leave his. When he runs out of underwear, shrug and say you were too busy replacing floor joists to do his laundry and he's going to have to do it if he wants clean underwear.

 

But that doesn't resolve the issue of cleaning - you don't want to live in a pigsty and waiting for him to notice or care that the shower is filthy isn't likely to happen before you lose your mind...

 

If he's like this and you pretty much hate him, why are you with him?? What does he bring to your life that makes him worth keeping?

 

Good stuff, as usual, from NJ. I was going to say the same on my post, but she's already said it here. Maybe it could be summed up by asking yourself

"am I better with him, or without him?"

 

To me it seems like an issue of respect.

[Grilled]

What does he bring to your life that makes him worth keeping?

 

That's what I'm struggling with at the moment! I'm sure there was something but it's being blocked by my anger!

 

I have stopped doing his laundry. Housework has pretty much come to a halt but only because I just can't do it at the moment, my kids are trying to take up the slack, but they both have a lot on at school at the moment, I just don't think it's fair on them to have to do more than they usually do. My daughter ended up in tears yesterday after saying to him .."I don't know why you can't cook a meal" and him giving her a lecture about having no respect for him (I wonder why??)

 

I think I've pretty much reached the end of my tether but the thought of going through another separation just fills me with dread.

[Grilled]

Sorry NJ, I didn't answer the first part of your post about the housekeeper/handyman.

 

I went back to university 2 years ago and so I've got one year left, this has left money pretty tight although I do casual work on top and my course is sponsered by my employer so I still bring in around the same amount of money I did when I was working full time, because I didn't want to live off him.

 

He left his job for one that pays less a year or so ago which made things even tighter.

[polywog]

Grilled, have you two just sat down together and had a one on one about this? Is it possible that he has some gripes, like you do? Not to kick you when you're down (I relate to you because I've been in that same housework boat with a spouse before), but maybe you two are in a passive aggressive battle of unaddressed issues. Or not. Maybe you both just need to sit down and talk and establish respect for one another. Divvy things up, etc., Listen to each other's stuff.

 

Hey, if this doesn't work, then... I'd consider dumping him. Life is too short to be some guy's slave.

[Grilled]

I'm going to have to at least try that. I have in the past and most recently yesterday. Usually he just gets up and leaves the house. But I'm going to have to make him see it's make or break time.

 

As for the passive-aggressive thing, yes I think you're probably spot on there, because I feel pretty much permanently angry but feel that I can't spend my whole time nagging him. so I've just stopped saying anything until times like these. Thanks to you both for taking the time to reply.

[norajane]

I'm going to have to at least try that. I have in the past and most recently yesterday. Usually he just gets up and leaves the house. But I'm going to have to make him see it's make or break time.

 

As for the passive-aggressive thing, yes I think you're probably spot on there, because I feel pretty much permanently angry but feel that I can't spend my whole time nagging him. so I've just stopped saying anything until times like these. Thanks to you both for taking the time to reply.

 

Does he usually walk away like when you want to discuss issues, any issues? That would get on my last nerve.

[polywog]

Does he usually walk away like when you want to discuss issues, any issues? That would get on my last nerve.

 

Yeah, me too... it isn't respectful at all.

 

When you want to discuss stuff is it in a nagging tone? Not to accuse you of that (god knows, I'd be feeling like nagging).

 

How about just asking him why he chooses to walk away?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sitting here, reading your post and completely disguisted by his behaviour and the way he's treating you! To walk by you, knowing that you're in pain, on your hands and knees and NOT help you around the house? WTF is wrong with him?? This isn't just being lazy, there's something WRONG with him. He's acting like a selfish jerk and being mean to the kids for no reason. I hope your kids don't let his moods affect them too much..

 

I honestly don't know what type of advice to give you...I'm torn between telling you to tell him to get out of the house NOW and don't come back until he straightens himself out, or just cry infront of him and show him in tears and frustration how fed up you are and that he is an adult and needs to start acting like a husband and a father.

 

How old are your kids? What about inviting afew of their friends over and pay them all abit of $$ (but ofcourse, less than what you'd pay a cleaning lady) to clean up the house. Dusting, cleaning, and vaccuuming...Just an idea to think about...

[polywog]

I'm sitting here, reading your post and completely disguisted by his behaviour and the way he's treating you! To walk by you, knowing that you're in pain, on your hands and knees and NOT help you around the house? WTF is wrong with him?? This isn't just being lazy, there's something WRONG with him. He's acting like a selfish jerk and being mean to the kids for no reason. I hope your kids don't let his moods affect them too much..

 

I honestly don't know what type of advice to give you...I'm torn between telling you to tell him to get out of the house NOW and don't come back until he straightens himself out, or just cry infront of him and show him in tears and frustration how fed up you are and that he is an adult and needs to start acting like a husband and a father.

 

How old are your kids? What about inviting afew of their friends over and pay them all abit of $$ (but ofcourse, less than what you'd pay a cleaning lady) to clean up the house. Dusting, cleaning, and vaccuuming...Just an idea to think about...

 

WWIU, you tell it like it is, sistah! Toughlove, and straightforward words of advice! Don't mean to derail this thread with my admiration, but can't help it.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Polly.

 

Just reading how her husband is in general has pissed me off (I also have major PMS going on too so part of the anger outlet is that as well!)

[Grilled]

Getting up and walking away when I'm trying to talk to him has been a common theme throughout our relationship, I can understand walking away if things get heated, that's just good sense but to refuse to listen??? He says it's because his parents used to have screaming rows when he was a child, but I don't start screaming or shouting and I'm careful about my tone because I don't want to make him angry, I just want a bit of co-operation.

 

The best results I have had have been when I've got him at a time when he can't just drive off (car's in the garage or something), and during those times he has spent the following couple of hours, tidying up while crashing around letting everyone know how unhappy he is about it and then not speaking to me for at least a couple of days sometimes up to a week.

 

As I'm writing this I'm shaking my head because this sounds just like a teenager's behaviour, but I have two teenagers here and neither of them would behave like that.

 

As for the kids moods, their reaction to him is usually a wry smile and a shrug. As for him not showing me any respect through his laziness, unfortunately this has turned into a vicious circle because I have very little respect for him and I'm sure it shows - the kids also pick up on it.

 

I think about leaving often but the thought of his emotional fallout is just a nightmare, I know he'd hurt himself, even if it was just to get back at me.

 

Thanks for all your input. By the way, the medication must be working because my back is feeling a lot better today!!

[a4a]

Grilled..... don't know what to tell you.....

 

but I will lend you my fork!

 

 

I am on strike at the moment myself....... 2 days of wearing my jammies....

I cannot do a thing because I have not been instructed to do anything.

 

 

Sitting in bed with my laptop.

 

no initiative no ambition... and you know it is cool as shyt to live this way. Never had a chance to as a kid so - WOW I know why my H likes it!

 

Wonder what is for dinner tonight?

[sb129]

a4a, I do love you.

[LifesontheUp]

Grilled..... don't know what to tell you.....

 

but I will lend you my fork!

 

 

I am on strike at the moment myself....... 2 days of wearing my jammies....

I cannot do a thing because I have not been instructed to do anything.

 

 

Sitting in bed with my laptop.

 

no initiative no ambition... and you know it is cool as shyt to live this way. Never had a chance to as a kid so - WOW I know why my H likes it!

 

Wonder what is for dinner tonight?

 

I've resorted to something similar in the past. I nearly collapsed in an hysterical heap when he had no clean underwear and went to try on mine instead

 

Keep it up, they eventually get the point.

[a4a]

I've resorted to something similar in the past. I nearly collapsed in an hysterical heap when he had no clean underwear and went to try on mine instead

 

Keep it up, they eventually get the point.

 

No he won't.... but I do find it entertaining.

 

I don't have to work until Monday.....

 

Unless he dictates his needs, what needs to be done, what should be done.... I don't plan on doing it.

 

this is SAAAWEEEET!

[PWSX3]

Grilled I'm sorry about your situation because I'm in one similar but I'm the male & my W is the lazy one. Our MC calls it other things, stress, seeing things in gray, etc. etc. but I just call it lazy.....

 

O.K. I've been on both sides of this fence. I used to be the one that came home, sat on the couch & watched TV while the W cleaned the house, or attempted to clean it. Looking back she has never been good at cleaning nor did she really care if it was clean or not.

 

When I grew up my mom did all the housework, my dad did all the outside work & they are still that way so I thought that is how things were supposes to be. I kept up the cars, yard, etc. & the W did the housework, but I have learned that is old school & since both partners work outside the home now that we both need to help around the house.

 

We did separate (w moved out, her idea) & I learned a lot & yes I did get the "fork" in the head as well. (thanks A4A)

Well I learned that I could do the dishes, the laundry, etc. so I kept a clean house & I like a clean house, then the W moved back in & she hardly does anything, I do most of it still but that is another story.

 

What I'm saying is maybe your H was brought up like me & he doesn't know he is suppose to help around the house, but then again he could just be lazy.

 

As for talking to him if it goes as well as it has with my W talking doesn't do anything. My W said; I know I'm not as clean as you are & I won't ever be like that so that is how she gets out of it I guess.

 

One other thing when I would finally help I would vacuum & then think the W owed me, that I really did do something when it wasn't much of anything. Maybe he also thinks this way, if he does one thing that gets him off the hook for all the rest of the housework.

 

Just some ideas to think about, other ways maybe your H is thinking as well.