Is she controlling or am I just crazy?

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Before I get into all nitty-gritty the details, here is some background information; my girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. She is 22, I am 24. She is the first girl I have ever been in a relationship with and also the first I have ever had intercourse with (although I am not her first). We have had a mainly happy relationship. She is a sweet, intelligent and giving person. She is almost always extremely warm and open with me, however, she is often shy or distant emotionally from other people close to her (including her closest girlfriends and her parents).

 

The reason I share all of this is because we have had a recurring problem in our relationship that we have repeatedly dealt with, but just does not go away. From almost the very beginning (after the first few months of dating), I have felt that she has irrational feelings of jealousy that she cannot cope with, and has imposed them on me by trying to control my behavior or treating me badly to punish me for them.

 

For example, when we first started dating I had many girl friends that I kept in touch with. Most of them were friends from college and in most cases my relationship with them was completely platonic. Also, I have no ex-girlfriends. However, all of that was irrelevant to her. She would repeatedly break down in tears or treat me badly if she thought I had any contact with other girls. When I tried to explain the nature of my relationship with those girls, she would put up a wall and tell me she didn't want to hear it. Naturally, I was also offended that she seemed to distrust me despite my relative purity.

 

The end result was that, to avoid these constant conflicts, I began avoiding my girl friends. She convinced me that none of them were my "real" friends anyway because they wouldn't chase after me if I stopped calling them. I simply rationalized giving into her, since I figured that continuing those friendships was not worth the damage it might cause. It eventually reached a point where I basically had no personal contact with any females except her and my closest relatives. Whenever I would challenge her on this issue, she claimed that I was imagining the whole thing, and that she would never "ask" me to stop having girl friends. Although I felt there was clearly something wrong with this picture, I decided it was more than a worthwhile sacrifice to make to just give her what she wants. But in the back of my mind, I feared that her success in controlling me in that instance would only make her get worse.

 

And it did. With every passing display of jealousy and control, I rationalized my behavior and kept holding out hope that things would change. But every time she succeeded she would go further. First it was pictures on my Facebook account that bothered her, then it was my Facebook account completely. First it was my female friends, then it was some of the male ones too. First she refused to go with me to places or hang out in situations that make her uncomfortable, now refuses to allow me to go at all. And her list of uncomfortable situations is quite long; no playing sports in co-ed leagues (except with her), no going to "parties," no hanging out in a group of friends where there is one or more females present (unless my girlfriend is one of them). None of these rules were explicitly stated by her, but we have had repeated arguments over these types of situations and almost broke up several times when I challenged her control.

 

So, that brings me to my current dilemma. A good friend of mine has a major crush on a girl he knows from work, but believes that she is probably using him or playing games with him. He told me many times that he wishes I could meet the two of them when they are together so I can give him my insights, which is something he has always valued for the 10 years I have known him. As a result, he invited me to a Hanukah party at a lounge where they will be this Saturday.

 

Of course, when I mentioned this to my girlfriend, she flipped out, asking me why I was "obsessed" with meeting my friend's crush and refused to go with me. She also threatened to break up with me if I went without her. Feeling like enough is enough, I insisted I would go anyway. After barely speaking to me for two days, she then tearfully begged me on the phone not to go, and offered as "compromise" that she would go out to parties with me every weekend forever or do other things for me that I had no interest in doing anyway (we have made similar "compromises" in the past, but then she attached 100 strings to them afterwards which rendered them useless). So, my question to the more rational minds out there is, is she controlling, or is I am just imagining all of this? And should I finally put my foot down and just go to teach her that this pattern must be stopped? I feel like I'll never respect myself if I give in to her yet again, but I also can't stand to see her tears. Please help.

[norajane]

Yes, she is controlling, and manipulative (see tears and promises with strings).

 

It's up to you how much you will allow her to control you and your life and your choices about your friends and activities. If you can't enjoy your life and be yourself and have friends, what exactly is the point?

 

It's time to find your balls and get out from under her thumb. She's not going to break up with you, or if she does, she'll get back together with you. She may try to make your life a living hell with tears and the silent treatment and whatever, but be a man and stay firm and true to what you believe is right and what is important to you. In the long run, she will have FAR more respect for you than if you allow her to walk all over you.

[Javelin]

Friend...

 

You certainly don't need reassurance from members of a dating forum, to solidify the fact, that you are in a very controlling relationship.

 

Just put your foot down, I think that's what she wants anyway....

[Trimmer]

With every passing display of jealousy and control, I rationalized my behavior and kept holding out hope that things would change.

What's that saying: the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...

 

But I think you knew differently:

But in the back of my mind, I feared that her success in controlling me in that instance would only make her get worse.

 

And indeed, it came to pass:

...every time she succeeded she would go further.

That sequence really distills it all down, doesn't it?

 

I feel like I'll never respect myself if I give in to her yet again, but I also can't stand to see her tears. Please help.

Honor this feeling that you need to keep your self respect. Your subconscious is telling you something important. You need to be whole as an individual before you can be fully "in" a relationship. If you hide or store parts of yourself away to appease a partner, you will end up down the road wondering what happened to the old "you" you used to know. This is experience talking here.

 

Now, here's the probably-bad-news: putting your foot down will probably not be enough to change her, to "teach her that this pattern must be stopped." For whatever reason, she lives in fear and tries to handle it with control. In order for her to change it will take a great effort, on her part, which must start with a recognition of the problem on her part. Putting your foot down may start the process of her recognizing the problem, but it may not. She may blame it on you, and go on in her life to repeat the pattern over and over again.

 

"Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" - Bette Davis in All About Eve

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Thank you all for these helpful responses. Seeing this in an unbiased forum really gives me the strength I need to do what is right and not feel guilty about it. One of the things that has made this situation so difficult is that she has always said that "every girl" would be uncomfortable with the things I do, and that I could "never be in a relationship" with anyone if I didn't see that. Being that I have no other past relationship to compare my experience to, it is difficult for me to concretely dispute that. Ironically, some of my closest male friends are also currently in relationships that I had always previously believed to be controlling (and even criticized them for it), until my girlfriend used that as further ammunition in her argument. It also may be worth mentioning that the one guy she dated before me was controlling, and that was the reason she broke up with him. Also, based on what she said about him, there seem to be many similarities between the manner in which he controlled her and the manner in which she is now trying to control me.

[whichwayisup]

She has her own issues of jealously and insecurity that are deep rooted inside of her. I bet she's been hurt in the past, has someone cheat on her, or something from her childhood, or the way she was treated by her parents, sibling stuff etc..

 

She needs to get a grip and get some self confidence! She definately knows how to use her insecurities to her advantage, hense the controlling ways and the effects it has on you and the relationship. It isn't healthy and it WILL ruin things between you if she doesn't get help and deal with her baggage.

[wallflower77]

Remember, not everything is as it seems...

 

...and there are two sides to every story...

 

Do not jump to conclusions about this person!

[Florida]

And her list of uncomfortable situations is quite long; no playing sports in co-ed leagues (except with her), no going to "parties," no hanging out in a group of friends where there is one or more females present (unless my girlfriend is one of them). None of these rules were explicitly stated by her, but we have had repeated arguments over these types of situations and almost broke up several times when I challenged her control.

 

While her list of uncomfortable situations may seem long to you, I think your list of opposite sex friends and co-ed whatever's and parties and facebook pics are lengthy enough to justify her discomfort.

 

So, that brings me to my current dilemma. A good friend of mine has a major crush on a girl he knows from work, but believes that she is probably using him or playing games with him. He told me many times that he wishes I could meet the two of them when they are together so I can give him my insights, which is something he has always valued for the 10 years I have known him. As a result, he invited me to a Hanukah party at a lounge where they will be this Saturday.

 

Of course, when I mentioned this to my girlfriend, she flipped out, asking me why I was "obsessed" with meeting my friend's crush and refused to go with me.

 

This sounds silly, put your foot down here but do try to compromise on some of it-she does not sound totally unjustified-but she is pushing it with limiting same sex friend contact and this part above.

[Love_Lifee]

hmm..this sounds fimilar..but my boyfriend isn`t as bad. he had convinced me that talking to my ex-boyfriends was a bad thing and i have no reason to talk to them..so when ever i would have gotten a text from an ex i would lie and say it was just a friend..but then i would feel bad for lieing and then tell him the truth, and then he would be upset..after i decided to cut down all my exs..he started to convince me that guys in general should have no part in my life as well..so i stuck with this. i wanted to make him happy, he on the other hand did not talk to girls or ex-girlfriends either..this went on for a few months until, one day he got really upset wth me because i went to tropical smootie and this guy i had once kissed, worked there and he talked to me..i did not acknowledge the guy and i just gave one word answers..about a week later i went back to the same place and i forgot to tell my booyfriend, to me it wasn`t big deal, so it didn`t seem i had to tell him..he got upset and wanted to take a break..so that night i went into the phonebook and i called an ex-boyfriend..

 

after that night our relationship has never been the same..if i ever mention to him that i dropped everyone for him, he would say "i never asked you to" or something like that.

 

but enough about me..

 

I wish i can tell you to just do your own thing, but since i am kinda in your postion, (like i do not go out with out him..he will not come with me if i go out with friends, which i do not even have) i would just go with the flow. whatever happens..happens..i do not know..i feel like i am not helping..

 

 

sorry..

[Love_Lifee]

why don`t you two just spend time together with out having to go to parties..my boyfriend and i do that all the time. we just soend time with eachother and no one else..

 

try it out.

[Trialbyfire]

I also agree that she's controlling and manipulative. She seems to be slowly isolating you from everyone in your life, who isn't immediate family.

 

On the other hand, I personally can't stand sites like Myspace and Facebook, so I don't see the loss of it, much loss at all.

 

One thing for you to consider. Exactly how flirtatious are you with your female friends? If you are straight-up and feel it's perfectly innocent, would you be willing to give your g/f access to all your accounts? If not, you might want to think hard, as to why you wouldn't want to do this.

[WaterTiger]

You aren't crazy, she is! I think Whichwayisup is correct, she has some serious issues about abandonment or cheating from the past and is making you pay for it.

 

I think you need to break up with this girl and date more women!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Stop this behavior now. This is not love or the way it should be. You need friends, space, etc....

[What.do.you.know]

Ive actually been on the other end of this. I was the person controlling and not wanting my girlfriend to go out with other guy friends, dance with guys in clubs, or even sometimes go out with her girlfriends without me. She is the "one" for me and I can't imagine myself with another women. She is everything I want.

 

My actions and attitude about her friendships almost destroyed our relationship. In fact, we are taking a break now so she can regain her feelings of empowerment and self worth. The problem i was having and your girlfriend has, is fear. She is not confident and doesn't fully trust in your love. If she was, she would let you go and in fact realize that it is something that you NEED in your life. If she truly loves you, she should be happy and supportive of something which is important to you. As long as she holds on to that fear, you guys will never truly be happy, will never truly be able to trust each other fully, and will likely end in one of you cheating on the other (that's my gut feeling anyway).

 

The way I saved my relationship (i hope because as i said we are temp. taking time off) is that I took a lot of time to truly understand what the need was that my gf had, and understand that I do truly love her and respect her needs. I have to let her do what she feels she must or she'll feel penned in and will rebel and it will destroy us. It's the same way we all feel when our parents tried to control us as kids. You want to do the exact opposite. All you can do is to try to communicate to her truly how important it is for you to see your friends and to go out. If she still doesn't understand, take a break from the relationship, she needs to figure things out and I would recommend that she get therapy.

 

Hope that helps and good luck. It's not worth suffering for extended periods, if you are unhappy, take action to resolve the situation.