The friends zone after break up..

[BrianG]

oppath, your sweeping statement means only that you think YOU could manage all that.

 

And I'm sure you meant to add that's while staying off the hooch and the smack, while not getting knocked up, while being a wonderful, adoring lover, fabulous friend, taking part in at least one sport, playing the flute and of course making the dean's list, right...?

 

Come on. Can we please stop pushing this kind of if he/she loved you enough then he/she would overcome any obstacle to be with you mindset? It's weak. Very weak.

 

Carrot

 

Carrot, you have had so much great advice in this forum that i dont want to disagree with your statement but in this case I do. Marriage/long relatiionship is a long term commitment with two people walking the path of life, in which they are going to come across many struggles in life and if there is true love they will be have to be able to overcome many of life struggles. I do not view that as weak at all but, a very strong presence.between two individuals willing to confront many struggles in life, as a couple, husband and wife or whatever. If the love is there and both are willingly to work on everything, and most importantly communicate with each other how how each other feels about what is going on with both of their lives i do not consider it weak at all. I do not consider it all all weak but a sign of strength between two individuals in life Just my opinion on the matter and I sincerely hope it holds true

[oppath]

 

When it was me in this situation GD told me flat out he didn't love me. Why? Partly because he felt pain and guilt from not being able to do it all, be it all. He thought it would be sparing me being cruel to be kind. He did what so many people wish their exes would do.

 

So what? How did that change his feelings for me? Evidently, it didn't. He still cares for me, still is attracted to me, still wants to spend time together, still wants to explore and grow together. He cut out the portions of the relationship that he Could Not Manage at the time.

 

 

Carrot

 

The important thing is that you knew he did not love you and likely never would love you. That information allows you to decide what type of friendship is ok for you. If he knew he was over you but said "if I wanted to be with anyone, it would be with you" it would be a different ballgame. The OP is considering hanging out as friends because he thinks she may come back to him. She might. Absolutely, there is that chance, and I'm not suggesting no contact is the best thing for him or to burn a bridge. But it is also worth pointing out that any false hope he is feeling, might be because she was trying to spare his feelings, and he needs to accept the possibility that she knows in her heart that he will never be the one but would feel too cruel to admit that to him. The risk of hanging out with her, still growing with her, etc because they like each other as people, is that he won't make room for someone else or will delay moving on. He needs to be aware of that risk. It's not an abolute. If he chooses to be friends because he enjoys her and feels he can grow as a person with her in his life, that is great, but that is not the same thing as choosing to be friends with her in hopes she'll change her mind in a half year.

[loveinlife]

this is such a confusing state of well being, i wanted more with her..

today i am feeling sick, my girl just left me, super busy at work, why so much things going on in my life? I know life is tough, but why now? If there is a god, please take away all pain of humanity, thanks =)

[oppath]

You are going to be just fine and you are going to cope with this. Whatever happens with her, the fact that she ended the relationship means nothing negative about you and it doesn't mean the relationship was a failure. It means the relationship was a success. You attracted a great person into your life that would not have happened if you aren't incredible yourself.

 

Please don't take my comments too negative. It's just that when you are hurt and vulnerable, that is when being a friend is a bad idea. After a few weeks or months, when you have healed enough that you no longer feel devastated, that is the time to consider friendship. In the initial aftermath, you do need some space.

 

Just because the relationship ended does not mean it (and you) are a failure. It was a success. You will heal. You will get over it.

[loveinlife]

just got a text message tonight from her..

 

i thought she was working late tonight, so i texted her saying don't work too hard. Take care.

 

Then two hours later, she messaged me saying HAHA im in the clubs.

 

Isn't that rubbing her words against my face, is she thinking about me or is she trying to get me mad..

 

I hope things will ease its pain soon, its hard to see myself moping around while she is out there having fun with her friends and who knows if she is hanging out with her guy friends.

 

I care about her a lot, i don't know why i deserve so much suffering..

[carrotgirl]

Carrot, you have had so much great advice in this forum that i dont want to disagree with your statement but in this case I do. Marriage/long relatiionship is a long term commitment with two people walking the path of life, in which they are going to come across many struggles in life and if there is true love they will be have to be able to overcome many of life struggles. I do not view that as weak at all but, a very strong presence.between two individuals willing to confront many struggles in life, as a couple, husband and wife or whatever. If the love is there and both are willingly to work on everything, and most importantly communicate with each other how how each other feels about what is going on with both of their lives i do not consider it weak at all. I do not consider it all all weak but a sign of strength between two individuals in life Just my opinion on the matter and I sincerely hope it holds true

Brian,

Thanks for the compliment. Please don't mistake me. It's not the choice people might make to work things out despite all odds that I think is weak. I'm very much for dialog and choosing to work through and around problems. I'm not in support of promoting love as a mythic panacea. I'll try to explain myself better. Will you read again?

 

What I find grossly misrepresented, in this thread and so many others, is the idyll that if people love each other enough they will be together, and together forever... And if a pair don't overcome any obstacle, then obviously it's because love wasn't there or not there in great enough quantity or quality.

 

This circular argument contributes to a lot of subtle and not so subtle oppression on the boards. It contributes to vilification of many exes who likely just didn't have the tools to help themselves or to make a relationship successful despite loving their partners very much. It contributes to self-victimization after a break up and a lot of wishful thinking that leads to bitterness and self-doubt.

 

It's so easy to fall into the pattern of thinking if she loved me she would do anything to be with me.... if he loved me he wouldn't let anything stand in the way.... This is not identifying the emotions and actions of love. This is projecting self-entitlement.

 

If you love me you will.... only defines our conditions of engagement. Most of us intend to convey that we value ourselves, our love and our relationship highly with this conditionality. We intend to place goals to be met as we ascend. Instead, we unintentionally (most of us) marginalize or outright negate the love extended to us with this expression.

 

What we're projecting when we cling to this idyll is, If you don't abide by my rules of love then you can't love me or you can't love me enough to satisfy me.

 

I humbly beg to differ with the idea that choosing to focus time and resources on legitimate life needs other than love (ie educating, feeding, clothing and sheltering self) is the same as devaluing love. We may all share the desire to maintain a stable romantic relationship at the same time while maintaining high achievement in other aspects of our daily life but we don't all have equal capabilities to do that.

 

Most of us express love, care, and consideration according to our own standards. Even in the closest of couples there is bound to be some disagreement on what is right or best for each and both. Just because I disagree with you, it doesn't mean I don't love you. When you disagree with me why should it mean you don't love me?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

The important thing is that you knew he did not love you and likely never would love you. That information allows you to decide what type of friendship is ok for you. If he knew he was over you but said "if I wanted to be with anyone, it would be with you" it would be a different ballgame. The OP is considering hanging out as friends because he thinks she may come back to him. She might. Absolutely, there is that chance, and I'm not suggesting no contact is the best thing for him or to burn a bridge. But it is also worth pointing out that any false hope he is feeling, might be because she was trying to spare his feelings, and he needs to accept the possibility that she knows in her heart that he will never be the one but would feel too cruel to admit that to him. The risk of hanging out with her, still growing with her, etc because they like each other as people, is that he won't make room for someone else or will delay moving on. He needs to be aware of that risk. It's not an abolute. If he chooses to be friends because he enjoys her and feels he can grow as a person with her in his life, that is great, but that is not the same thing as choosing to be friends with her in hopes she'll change her mind in a half year.

Oppath, excepting where you wrote GD let me know he didn't love me and likely never would, I agree with you 100%.

 

It may be his ex was only trying to ease the rejection of him as a lover. It may be that she was entirely sincere about what she was able to give in terms of a relationship and so wasn't rejecting loveinlife, just rejecting a serious relationship at this time. There is no way to know now if either or both are "the reason".

 

I'm inclined to take people at their word when there is no other observable indicator of intent. She said she wants him to be around as her friend. If he is capable of that, I say be a pal, do your own thing and see what the future brings. What loveinlife chooses to do for himself with regard to his ex is his responsibility and only he can determine his risk tolerance.

 

I chose to take GD at his word. I had no better information available at the time. But just because he said it, that didn't make it so. He chose what he thought best for himself. I'm seeing now, just during the last two weeks, he was right. There was no way GD could have successfully managed school, work and being a good boyfriend. It wasn't a negation of me. He just could not have managed.

 

Carrot

[oppath]

It may be his ex was only trying to ease the rejection of him as a lover. It may be that she was entirely sincere about what she was able to give in terms of a relationship and so wasn't rejecting loveinlife, just rejecting a serious relationship at this time. There is no way to know now if either or both are "the reason".

 

I'm inclined to take people at their word when there is no other observable indicator of intent. She said she wants him to be around as her friend. If he is capable of that, I say be a pal, do your own thing and see what the future brings. What loveinlife chooses to do for himself with regard to his ex is his responsibility and only he can determine his risk tolerance.

 

 

Right, there is no way to know, and it is a horrible thing to conclude "she obviously doesn't love me or care about me at all." I've been guilty of that thinking -- though for a different reason, she asked me to be friends with benefits after I politely asked her for space four times, and that is not consistent with caring about someone -- and it is not healthy. This woman does care about him and does have love for him. He should not dispute that. But at the end of the day, she did choose to end the relationship with him.

 

I'm simply saying that he is in no place right now to be her friend. Maybe 6 weeks from now it will be possible. But right now he needs space. His words clearly indicate that. And carrot, I certainly hope you aren't hanging out with your ex with the intent that it will bring him back. If you have the attitude "we'll see what happens, right now he still adds value to my life," fine. That is different than thinking "if I hang out with her as a friend, I'll slowly bring him back."

 

Loveinlife wants to know if being her friend will bring her back. Sure, it could happen. But it is not likely. And despite wanting to take people at their word, I'd say there is a 50/50 chance she knows "he's not the right guy for me" as much as she is being honest. Why? Because I've been in that situation.

[loveinlife]

Omg, more pain and anxiety. I just called her, she is at her friends house with a few guys voices in the background. I miss her so much, now i have to deal with her situation as single and guys chasing her. This friends thing is too tough. I mean if she really wanted me she could of hanged out with me, instead of with her guy friends.

[BrianG]

Brian,

Thanks for the compliment. Please don't mistake me. It's not the choice people might make to work things out despite all odds that I think is weak. I'm very much for dialog and choosing to work through and around problems. I'm not in support of promoting love as a mythic panacea. I'll try to explain myself better. Will you read again?

 

What I find grossly misrepresented, in this thread and so many others, is the idyll that if people love each other enough they will be together, and together forever... And if a pair don't overcome any obstacle, then obviously it's because love wasn't there or not there in great enough quantity or quality.

 

This circular argument contributes to a lot of subtle and not so subtle oppression on the boards. It contributes to vilification of many exes who likely just didn't have the tools to help themselves or to make a relationship successful despite loving their partners very much. It contributes to self-victimization after a break up and a lot of wishful thinking that leads to bitterness and self-doubt.

 

It's so easy to fall into the pattern of thinking if she loved me she would do anything to be with me.... if he loved me he wouldn't let anything stand in the way.... This is not identifying the emotions and actions of love. This is projecting self-entitlement.

 

If you love me you will.... only defines our conditions of engagement. Most of us intend to convey that we value ourselves, our love and our relationship highly with this conditionality. We intend to place goals to be met as we ascend. Instead, we unintentionally (most of us) marginalize or outright negate the love extended to us with this expression.

 

What we're projecting when we cling to this idyll is, If you don't abide by my rules of love then you can't love me or you can't love me enough to satisfy me.

 

I humbly beg to differ with the idea that choosing to focus time and resources on legitimate life needs other than love (ie educating, feeding, clothing and sheltering self) is the same as devaluing love. We may all share the desire to maintain a stable romantic relationship at the same time while maintaining high achievement in other aspects of our daily life but we don't all have equal capabilities to do that.

 

Most of us express love, care, and consideration according to our own standards. Even in the closest of couples there is bound to be some disagreement on what is right or best for each and both. Just because I disagree with you, it doesn't mean I don't love you. When you disagree with me why should it mean you don't love me?

 

Carrot

 

Carrot,

Very well educated response and I completely agree with your explanation I agree and must have misunderstood your points. Still in the process of grieving so my heart and mind are a little clouded with the mysticism of love, ha ha. I agree with your points and completely agree that even though the love is there sometimes its just not enough to get through anything.

[carrotgirl]

I'm simply saying that he is in no place right now to be her friend. Maybe 6 weeks from now it will be possible. But right now he needs space. His words clearly indicate that. And carrot, I certainly hope you aren't hanging out with your ex with the intent that it will bring him back. If you have the attitude "we'll see what happens, right now he still adds value to my life," fine. That is different than thinking "if I hang out with her as a friend, I'll slowly bring him back."

 

Loveinlife wants to know if being her friend will bring her back.

loveinlife, this is a good distinction. My answer to oppath relates well to where you are and what you're going to do with the freak you've got going on right now.

 

oppath, no, I'm not spending time with GD thinking that will bring him back. There is nothing I can do or not do that will make GD want to be with me. Though I will say bathing and good grooming never hurt!

 

Currently GD and I are taking a time out with NC while he sits for exams. This was GD's specific request, to have no Carrot until end of term. Not forever, just until end of term so he can manage his stress in his own way.

 

It took some strength for him to be so honest and ask this from me. The first time he said it he wasn't so precise (I just need you to leave me alone) and his seeming turn about left me rather low. It took a lot of strength for me to tell GD I was sad and confused at how things changed so quickly. He didn't panic exactly but he immediately restated his need with specifics of time and place.

 

We had a few hours of contact the other day when I had my work bomb go off but otherwise, once he made this request, I was very, very okay with it. I knew where I stood with him. He was so specific, he actually gave me a daily schedule up until when NC ends. It was slightly absurd but what counts is that he was trying to be considerate of my feelings.

 

loveinlife, all you need to get you through the next day is to remember that you know where you stand with her. By going out or spending time around other guys this is not a dismissal of you. She's simply living like a normal person. She can care for others and still care for you. She can be friendly with others and still be friendly with you.

 

Give her some time away since that is essentially her request. Give yourself the same gift.

 

Carrot

[loveinlife]

loveinlife, this is a good distinction. My answer to oppath relates well to where you are and what you're going to do with the freak you've got going on right now.

 

oppath, no, I'm not spending time with GD thinking that will bring him back. There is nothing I can do or not do that will make GD want to be with me. Though I will say bathing and good grooming never hurt!

 

Currently GD and I are taking a time out with NC while he sits for exams. This was GD's specific request, to have no Carrot until end of term. Not forever, just until end of term so he can manage his stress in his own way.

 

It took some strength for him to be so honest and ask this from me. The first time he said it he wasn't so precise (I just need you to leave me alone) and his seeming turn about left me rather low. It took a lot of strength for me to tell GD I was sad and confused at how things changed so quickly. He didn't panic exactly but he immediately restated his need with specifics of time and place.

 

We had a few hours of contact the other day when I had my work bomb go off but otherwise, once he made this request, I was very, very okay with it. I knew where I stood with him. He was so specific, he actually gave me a daily schedule up until when NC ends. It was slightly absurd but what counts is that he was trying to be considerate of my feelings.

 

loveinlife, all you need to get you through the next day is to remember that you know where you stand with her. By going out or spending time around other guys this is not a dismissal of you. She's simply living like a normal person. She can care for others and still care for you. She can be friendly with others and still be friendly with you.

 

Give her some time away since that is essentially her request. Give yourself the same gift.

 

Carrot

 

Thanks carrot, yeah i agree, sometimes we put too much emphasis on that once its over its over... but the point is that feelings exist and it only takes a few things to do to reinvent those same feelings with our partners. I agree with you that communication is the most important thing and realizing that we as individual have our own needs at certain times. I guess for R, its her choice to be single and having fun with friends. Nothing is wrong with that. It is her decision. I realize today that if she does come around the second time, im sure our relationship will be stronger. If not i know we are not meant to be together but meant to be with each briefly.

 

Tonight im treating myself out on a outing with some friends to the clubs, have a few drinks and laugh.

 

Thanks again for being so understanding, with not the self but with others. I appreciate it. =)

[stepheine]

Hello,

 

This may help....

 

The last guy I dated for 2 years told me he wasn't in love with me but thought I was a great person, I was crushed at first. But I gave myself 1 month of space without any contact to sort through my own feelings. I started going out with friends and dating other guys. Then we became friends. At first it was difficult b/c you need to know there feelings for you are not there anymore in that way and you have to be honest with yourself,can you handle seeing that person not wanting you that way. Can you deal with knowing that person may have a new person in their life. I have been his friend for 7 months now, our relationship as friends is much better than it ever was as boyfriend girlfriend, mostly because I stand up to him now. But Just a month ago the oddest thing happened and now he wants more, truth is I dont. So being friends with him while I was already half way out the door helped me to complete the process of getting completely over him. I knew in my heart when we broke up that I didn't want to loose him from my life completely, so now I have a great friend!!

[loveinlife]

I finally understand the reason we broke up, i am sorry to have given so much hurt into her life. This mistake that i said took it into her heart and made her life tough. I see her point in why she pulled away from me. I didn't understand her life completely and through words out that may have produced fear in the situation she is in.

[kitkat289]

being friends means you have to listen to the things which hurt you.

you will have to bear the pain of knowing that she's going out every other day with guys and is having fun while you are just crying and 'hoping'.

If her phone is busy,you will feel miserable.

If she didnt call you in two days ro two weeks while you call her every day.You have an urge to call her atleast twice a day but you call 'once' and she wont call once in a week!

 

You have to pay for this sucking so-called "FRIENDSHIP" after the break-up.We all do that,there are very very few who get wiser and cut off all contacts and I see most of them happy after 4months or 8months and then mostly those dumpers come running to them.

[Surfer Girl]

If you really want this person in your life .... perhaps friends... But I think it takes a really long time to seperate friends from lovers... My ex has never been friends with his ex lovers... We are a first... I love him in my life... but will admit I still want more... so for now I can't do the friends thing... Perhaps in time.... I still want friends.... yet, emotionally not capable....

[loveinlife]

Today i asked her to go get dinner with me tomo night she said, she has to study for her lab on tuesday. the i said ok, when is the best time for you? She then said i dunno, we can still talk and stuff but for not its better not to see each other. = / So i just said yeah i understand, we need to spend some time apart and think about our needs. I guess she wants a lot of space from me.

 

Maybe the end, but im just going to give her the space and hopefully not call her anytime soon. Im thinking about leaving my cell phone at home when i go to work so i don't get her calls or i get tempted to call her. have to get used to the single life again and act like i've never met this person.

[loveinlife]

I guess i'll give her what she wants, "space"