Wife leaving - but still here

[LostHusband]

I can't believe all the situations that are similar to mine on here. I could just read all the advice everyone has given to others, but I need some personal feedback myself. A little over a month ago my wife tells me "she's done" with our marriage. Of course this came as a complete shock to me, we have been together six years, been married over four of those years, and have two children - a 5 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. I had been pretty happy and content with being married, though I did the typical complaining about being married and complaining about my wife to other people. I never felt a really strong love for her, it was like I was never completely truly in love with her, though deep down when I thought about it I knew I was. When she told me she wanted out - due to her not being happy, I was floored. At first I thought she would change her mind, I tried writing her a long letter explaining how good we were and how strong my love for her was. This seemed to work at first - we talked about it and I thought she was changing her mind. I was happy again. Then the next night she came to bed and I reached over to kind of caress her hair and she just got mad and said "WHAT?" I cried and said I thought things were ok with us. She admitted she no longer loved me. I wanted to scream, in fact I went down stairs and just cried out loud to myself. The hope I had was completely gone. This went on for awhile, we would start to get along and everything would feel fine again, but still she insisted she was not changing her mind and couldn't help it but there just was nothing left there for me emotionally. She wanted out and was ready to leave - but she can not afford an apartment and I cannot afford to help her out so she can go - we just cannot afford to live under two different households. So she is still living in the house with me. Sometimes things are great and it seems like we are closer than ever, but her feelings never change for me. I became clingy and cried a lot in front of her, hoping she would hug me/hold me - which she did do for awhile, even crying with me at times. I starting thinking maybe she would come around. One night I was very hopeful and started trying to cuddle close to her - she told me she wanted space and again I became upset and couldn't stop myself from trying to be close to her. I knew I should just back off but it was like my mind was telling me to stop but the rest of me would not. It got so bad that by the end of the night I knew I was going to stop this behavior. It has been a week now and I have completely stopped my clingyness and have given her plenty of space. That seemed to be helping a lot and it made it better knowing I could just at least be friends with her. Something still seemed off though. She comes home late from work (works until 3am) and often stays up at night messing around on the computer and texting friends on her phone. I made the mistake(?) of checking her phone messages and found out she had been texting a guy and the text said "I cant help but be crazy about u wish u felt it too :)" I confronted her about this and she said it was just a friend. I told her you don't tell friends you are "crazy about them". This was a guy I knew she was texting back in October, when she also insisted they were just friends from work and she texted a lot of friends from work. I found out more about the situation, the guy is married and has also become distant from his wife. The two had been talking a lot at work and had been getting close. There was nothing physical going on but she admitted having feelings for the guy. She said other than that there was nothing more to talk about. One of her texts said she left him a note on his car and wanted him to read it. I asked her about it and she told me it was a note asking why he was becoming more distant to her. I thought - she must be interested in a guy that isn't as interested in her, after all he's married too. I wanted to know more - my curiosity got the better of me - I knew how to retrieve her myspace password and she had changed it to "Ilove___!" the blank being the guy's name she had been texting. I was DEVASTATED. I was crying uncontrollably for about a half hour - she of course was at work when I found this. I cannot confront her about this, nor would there be a reason for it - we already talked about the situation and she already admitted to having feelings for the guy, but seeing it written out like that is very hard to handle. I wanted her to get out of the house ASAP, but I did not tell her this, because the idea of her actually leaving paralyzes me. It scares me how it will affect the children - my 5 year old is already suspecting something is up and has a hard time going to bed by himself. I don't want him to go through this his first year of school. So I have to be completely depressed and upset when she is not around (I'm happy when I'm around my kids mostly, sometimes I get frustrated very easily though and I have to walk away for awhile.) I don't want her to leave but sometimes I get false hope she will end up staying and then she brings home a bunch of boxes to pack stuff. She was originally planning to leave in spring, but after my clingy/crying episodes she is trying to move it up to as soon as she can.

 

She has since then password locked her phone - which is probably a good thing, because I really don't like being a snoop, but its hard to stop myself. I still can get on her myspace and sometimes I read things that just make everything worse, I know I have to stop doing that but its like a curse knowing how to read someone's mind even when you know you shouldn't.

 

 

What can I do to get through this?

 

Does her "emotional affair" sound like just a crush that will eventually pass?

 

Should I let her stay as long as possible for the kids sake assuming I can stay strong, not show her how I feel, and not be clingy (I have done this so far for the last week)?

 

Should I just try to ignore her even though we live together and share the same bed? My god this is harder than hell!

 

I am so lost.

[LakesideDream]

Lost, Sorry for you, really. As you can imagine, many if not most of us here have gone through exactly what you are. Change a word or two and I experianced what you are. In my case my ex and I reconciled for 18 months before actually making her move to her new man, after 25 years of marriage of course.

 

My advise (I survived) is to try hard to maintain your composure. Crying and whining won't do you any good (I know!) and will only make your soon to be ex happy knowing how much power you have given her.

 

Rest assured she already has at least chosen another man, she's probably already test driven one or two. Her current "emotional" affair may or may not already be physical, most likely is has been as some point. It may or not end, which isn't important. She's already committed to "upgrading". You are last years model friend. She will never be satisfied with you again... unless/until (if) she is abused by a few crudduds and wants to return to sanity. Hopefully you won't settle for that!

 

Hold you mud! Start looking after yourself and your children. The rest of your life has already changed forever.

[BestAdvisor1]

Then the next night she came to bed and I reached over to kind of caress her hair and she just got mad and said "WHAT?" I cried and said I thought things were ok with us. She admitted she no longer loved me.

 

When I was reading the above sentences and before finish reading the whole thing, I knew that there must be an affair and most likely a physical affair.

 

She comes home late from work (works until 3am) and often stays up at night messing around on the computer and texting friends on her phone.

 

My suspicion at this point become more than just "most likely."

 

 

I found out more about the situation, the guy is married and has also become distant from his wife.

 

Affair survive on secrecy just like we survive on water and air. You HAVE TO expose the affair to his wife and people at work. Also expose it to anyone whom your wife respect including her parents, siblings, friends, etc. Do it as soon as you can.

 

 

Does her "emotional affair" sound like just a crush that will eventually pass?

 

No! Unless, she is with him for few months or few years and got tired of him or yo udo the exposure mentioned above.

[LostHusband]

I thank you for the replies - I kind of guessed everyone would be telling me that there was a physical affair, but I don't think there is. My wife is a terrible liar, like me - she is good at hiding things from me but when I ask her a question point blank she tells me. She hides the truth that the "friendship" is more, but when I asked her about her feelings for him she told me she had them. She is very against cheating, I have read the very same in her posts and bulletins on myspace. I told her what she was doing was considered an "emotional affair" and she was offended by the idea. I know there is always the possibility that there is something physical going on - but I really don't believe it. She tends to do this a lot though, getting into one guy and really becoming obsessed with him. All the other times it has only been celebrities and musicians. Like she'll have a whole bunch of pictures of her favorite rock musician all over her page and she'll declare her love to him and all that - I never worried about that kind of stuff, but when it comes to a person that she knows in real life it is much more difficult to handle. I'd like to focus on other things anyway right now, like just getting by and not always thinking about whether there is a real affair there. Like why am I so caught up loving her now more than I ever have - I've never felt so in love with her as I did when I found out she was leaving. I suppose this is normal but I wish I could overcome it. I want to be friends with her of course for the kids sake - we have to be, we are going to share custody and because of our opposite work schedules we will be seeing each other every day when we drop the kids off. How am I going to deal with her being with somebody else?? I keep thinking that no other man will be able to understand her like I do, sometimes I think she is bipolar but she doesn't really have major symptoms. She just never really thinks things through very much, which has led her to having over $30,000 in credit card debt - another reason she can not leave.

[LostHusband]

Sorry to repost again so soon, but I'd like to add more to my belief that there is nothing physical going on. I don't know what you would consider a "physical affair" - if that would be just holding hands and kissing, or sexual, but I should point out that despite all of this we maintain an active sex life with each other. We have had sex four times in the last month, since this all started, which is pretty normal for us, actually a little better since we have kids and only see each other on the weekends. She's initiated a couple of times and I have a couple of times. She use to keep herself pretty clean and trim "down there" and shaved her legs all the time. For the past month she has pretty much let herself go, her legs haven't been shaved and the hedges need trimming if you know what I mean. I highly doubt she would let herself go like that if she were having sex with someone else, she's not trying to impress me anymore so she doesn't shave, but she still has her sexual needs I guess. She also wears lipstick and doesn't like to kiss when wearing it - just little pecks, and she's never come home with that all messed up.

[BestAdvisor1]

Your posts are confusing me. Do you 1) love your wife enough that you want to save the marriage or 2) you are giving up already because you're ready for divorce. If the answer is number one, you NEED to do the exposure right now. It's only a matter of time before a physical affair happens because she's so "in love" with him and all he has to have is a slight interest.

 

Expose and expose soon or else, she will end up in bed in him if she hasn't already been.

[LostHusband]

Sorry for the confusion - I am a bit confused myself. I really do love her and wish she would stay, but thinking this way hurts, so I try to just accept she is leaving - because I really see no way she will stay. All I have done to expose this is talk to her about it to bring it out in the open, then I actually sent a text myself to her "friend" asking him what all the texts from my wife were about - and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Until I have some proof that it isn't just her acting impulsive and falling for someone who doesn't feel the same I don't see how exposing anything would do anything but make me look like a fool. If she likes the guy I can't stop her, in fact me trying to fight against it might just drive her closer to him.

 

I guess I just need help coping with the whole thing, because trying to save things gives me false hope and it hurts too much. I haven't given up but I have tried to save things and then when it doesn't work is when I feel the worst. When we are friendly with each other and we talk like nothing bad is happening between us is the only time I really feel good about the whole thing - but then the hope comes back and UGH it all starts over again!

[BestAdvisor1]

All I have done to expose this is talk to her about it to bring it out in the open, then I actually sent a text myself to her "friend" asking him what all the texts from my wife were about - and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about.

 

This is a dangerous indication that he has interest or has done something. If it's just your wife chasing him, he has nothing to hide or lie about. You need to AT LEAST inform his wife about this inappropriate communication. She has the right to know! Exposing to his wife will not make you look like a fool and it might help end the affair by putting pressue on him to stay away or reject any advances from your wife. His wife knowing will add an extra pair of eyes on this affair to ensure it doens't go any further.

[LostHusband]

Only problem is I really know nothing about the guy other than his first name and his cell phone number.

 

I just want to get through this whole thing! My emotional state really can't let me focus on her being in an affair right now, I'm just trying to keep things cordial so it won't mess up anything with the kids, thats all I really care about. And myself, I want to be strong and I want to feel happiness again.

[BestAdvisor1]

Only problem is I really know nothing about the guy other than his first name and his cell phone number.

 

I just want to get through this whole thing! My emotional state really can't let me focus on her being in an affair right now, I'm just trying to keep things cordial so it won't mess up anything with the kids, thats all I really care about. And myself, I want to be strong and I want to feel happiness again.

 

 

Playing the victim is not the way to go. You have to be strong and fight for your marriage. I'm sure you can find a way to find out this guy's last name and then trace his wife down. Do it like your marriage and home are depending on it. Don't worry about making her mad. If she's leaving anyway, what do you have to lose by exposing to everyone? Start with the other man's wife.

 

You have to stay strong, if not for yourself, do it for your kids. Do what he does:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133240/

[Nomad1]

Lost, I have every reason to empathise with you, but my friend you are trying to rationalise your wife's behaviour and are trying to make excuses for her actions. She has abandoned you emotionally and your clinginess makes her believe that she can have you anytime she likes. You must accept that it is over for your own sake. It is bloody hard, particularly with children involved, I know. But my friend you need to take the reins, regain control, be more assertive, but be civil with her but not overly friendly. Rise above her childishness. You did not do anything wrong. I am in a very similar situation to you and I am going for divorce, house sale etc as speedily as possible. Take charge and don't look back. Force yourself to look after yourself, difficult at first, but you will soon begin to enjoy life. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate her whims. Tell her that she has to stay at home and look after the kids so that you can go out. Tell her to start getting used to the idea of having the kids with her most of the time. Cut her loose, don't allow her to destroy you. Dig deep for your inner strength reserves. Don't prolong the agony, be decisive!

 

Nomad

[LostHusband]

Believe me I am trying, but this ain't easy as most people here know. It has been a week since I have cried in front of her or tried to get close to her, just little pecks on the lips from time to time, which she is fine with. I probably need to stop those too but I am not really ready to, not until she actually moves out and who knows when that will be. I wish I could just not have any feelings for her anymore and not care, sometimes I think I am close but it hasn't happened yet. I started feeling the anger and resentment toward her today - this IS her doing not mine. I hope someday she will realize it.

[thehonesttruth]

I feel for you and I understand the feelings and comments of many of the other posters...but I have to disagree with BestAdvisor (will all due respect). Please, save the big-drama confrontations for reality TV. This is your LIFE, and you have your kids and your dignity to think about. Big confrontations are lose-lose when you are feeling as shaky and unstable as you have been (bouts of crying, clinginess,etc.).

 

Here are my thoughts and recommendations (no particular order):

--Find a couples/family/marriage counselor. You can get a recommendation from your doctor, pastor, or maybe another guy you know who has gone through a divorce or separation. The purpose of the counseling is not necessarily to save the marriage (worth exploring, although she seems convinced it's over), but to establish ground work and ground rules for how you'll interact for the rest of your lives...because GUESS WHAT? You have little kids together and you'll have to deal with eachother as long as you still love your kids. As the pros say, the counseling teaches you to love your kids more than you hate or resent eachother, and act accordingly.

--If cost is an issue, ask about sliding scale or crisis assistance counseling.

--Lay down the law (as you see it) with NO CRYING, whining, or begging. Tell her you still love her, and believe you owe it to eachother and to your kids to try counseling.

--as a married woman with 2 small kids, I can tell you that <<I>> don't think she is having physical relations with anyone else. The grooming thing is a big tip-off. Huge.

 

--I also don't think she is getting off on a power trip in leaving you. Statistically, one of the most dangerous times for a married couple is when they have 2 little kids--you love the little buggers but they take up all your time, suck the romance out of any situation, etc. I think that if you can get her into some sort of couples therapy, you might get a handle on exactly what has gone wrong, and possibly begin to work on it. After women have kids, we start feeling more like "mommy" and less like "hottie". It sounds like before she dropped the bomb about not being happy, you weren't exactly Prince Charming telling her how much you loved her, how hot she looked, hell...it doesn't sound like you even thought those things until the cold reality of life without her stared you in the face.

--personally, unless there's a whole bunch else you're not telling me, it sounds to me like there is a reasonable chance, with a good therapist, a commitment from each of you to make significant changes,etc., that you guys could make it through this patch.

 

Good luck!

[LostHusband]

Thank you for your words, TheHonestTruth - and I thank you for the second opinion on what BestAdvice was saying - I completely agree with you and was hoping someone would bring that up. I really don't want the drama of it at all, and I think it would actually make things worse - drive her closer to him, or cause him to go ahead and leave his wife now that is out in the open. So I said nothing more about it. I asked her if she was going to leave me for him and she got pretty mad, like she was angry at the guy for not being there for her and was offended I brought the two of them being together up. She took the password lock off her phone, or left it on without it locking back up some how and the only new messages still on it were one from me the night before asking if she made it to work ok (big snowstorm) and her reply back. Nothing else, she even erased the saved messages she had sent to him. So I don't know what is going on there nor do I really want to anymore.

 

Unfortunately I suggested couples therapy and she was adamant against it - she said it would not change anything. I told her sometimes the courts make a couple go if children are involved and she was pretty mad about that saying it would be a waste of time. She has her mind made up and it hurts like hell that I can't even find a glimmer of hope that she will stay. And living with her is getting harder and harder - I am doing my thing by not letter her see me upset, and giving her all the space she needs. That seemed to work at first, but lately she just seems pissed off about everything. Tonight I was waiting for her usual call she gives me while she's on lunch, and she was late in calling me and I tried to resist the urge to call her, but her lunch break only had about 10 minutes left so I called her. She sounded annoyed "Hello!? What??" I told her I was just calling because her break was almost up. She said she was still eating because she got her food late. (she waits until done eating to call). That was fine but it was still very upsetting to me that she acted so annoyed that I called her while she was eating. So that didn't go very well, those moments we had of closeness and friendliness even after the first month of this all starting are becoming few and far between. Those are what made this all easier to deal with, to deal with her being here and living here. Maybe she's just in a bad mood because it didn't work out with whatshis name and now she's just taking it out on me. I talked to her like everything was fine though, she asked what the kids were up to, etc. Then I said "love you" and she said "love you too" like always, but that didn't make me feel any better. I got off the phone and cried. God this is hard! She'll be home all weekend so I'll let you know how that goes - I'm staying very strong in front of her, I try to just sit by her and watch tv and not pay her much attention, or I'll just play on the computer and laugh when I see something funny. She has lost the right to know how much pain I am really in.

[thehonesttruth]

Being so adamantly against counseling is not a good sign--I'm sure you know that--but you cannot force someone to do what they don't want to do.

 

Also, regarding the "other guy"...What I'm hearing is that it's not about the other guy. Instead, it sounds like there are deep-rooted, long-held hurts between the two of you that have gone unsaid and thus unresolved. I would guess the other guy is more of a symbol of what she thinks her life could/should be rather than a specific person she has truly fallen in love with. So, naturally she would be annoyed if you would raise the possibility that she is leaving you for someone else...I would guess (because I've been in a similar place) she would interpret such a comment as more evidence that you don't understand her. The more important issue -- the one that is driving her away, and the one that, if appropriately addressed, would bring her back -- is that she has lost faith that you can meet her needs (romantically, spiritually, whatever) as a life partner. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but there it is.

 

Do you guys have any clear parameters around what the separation will mean, financially, child responsibilities, dating other people? If she won't do counseling, perhaps you can at least find a mediator to help you work some of these things out. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why not just do a 180, sometimes females aren't even worthy of our emotions and feelings.

 

I mean it's driving you crazy right? then why not just ignore her and live your life.

[LostHusband]

Sometimes I feel as though I understand her better than she understands herself. She seems to be always mad about everything, she's always been this way. When we were first dating we use to joke about her temper. I've met her needs the best that I can, I'm a good husband - I am affectionate with her, I do most of the housework - dishes/garbage/laundry/tidying up. I pay the household bills. I spend the most time with the kids, she works nights so I am the one putting them to bed/bathing them/reading them bedtime stories. But still she seems to blame all of her unhappiness on me. I feel like a scapegoat for her. Really I should be the one that is wanting out, but I don't - I still love her so much, when she is sweet and smiling she is great. But those moments are few and far between anymore. Tonight we got into it over how to discipline the kids. We were going to all go out to eat as a family - but my five year old started acting up, he has been very whiney and difficult to handle lately. My wife's reaction is to yell at him "Knock it off!" and "You want a whipping?!" This makes him scared and he gets worse. My reaction is to try to talk to him and calm him down. She tells me I never discipline him and that I undo everything she tries to do to discipline him. I later told her she needs to stop blaming all of her problems on me. Maybe she resents me for the things I do for her - but she really never thanks me for any of it, or even bothers to notice. I guess the signs have been there a long time but I always thought that through it all she would always love me.

 

We have talked about what will happen when we separate. She has her stuff, I have mine, we have always kept separate finances. The kids will be with me when she is at work, and with her when I am at work - we will have them alternating weekends. Dating other people has been brought up - we won't be doing it while living together of course, but who knows what will happen once we separate. I started dating her while before her divorce with her first husband was final (it was a 1 year marriage to a guy that basically used her for citizenship.)

 

I hope that sheds some light on some things, it has a bit for me at least. This all still hurts like hell - I'm calm tonight because she is home, we were going to watch a movie together, though she fell asleep on the couch. It's not as hard being around her anymore, I'm not always following her around for a kiss or a hug, I just let her be and wait for quiet times when we can just sit close to each other. Once Monday comes and the work week starts again it just gets gradually worse each day - never seeing her or talking to her. I should be use to this by now - it never bothered me before, I liked my alone time when she was gone - but now I am just going crazy when she isn't here. I don't know how I will get through this when she is gone for good.

[LostHusband]

Aaargh! I need some help! I feel like I have been punched in the gut over and over again. Things just keep getting worse, I think I am feeling better but then - *poof* all the bad/sad feelings keep coming back. My wife (STBXW) and I had a nice Sunday together - she's answering the phone with her friendly voice, she smiled at me when she came home, etc. But I keep feeling more and more in love with her when this happens, while she feels nothing for me. I'll take her hand and hold it, but she never takes my hand to hold. I'll sit close with her and caress her leg, but she just leaves her hand on my leg and doesn't move it at all. I can't take it - but I can't bear the thought of her not being here, so I act like everything is fine so I don't drive her away. I am crying all the time now when she isn't here.

 

Today I found out on her email history that she had been signing into singles sites as far back as June - so she's been planning this for a long time, even before she met this other guy. I need to know - does anyone think there is anyway she would come back to me after we are separated? Maybe living without me might turn her around? Can that happen after wanting out for so long? It's the only hope I have - does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or is it too late for any chance to save this?

Please be kind but honest.

[LostinBama]

Aaargh! I need some help! I feel like I have been punched in the gut over and over again. Things just keep getting worse, I think I am feeling better but then - *poof* all the bad/sad feelings keep coming back. My wife (STBXW) and I had a nice Sunday together - she's answering the phone with her friendly voice, she smiled at me when she came home, etc. But I keep feeling more and more in love with her when this happens, while she feels nothing for me. I'll take her hand and hold it, but she never takes my hand to hold. I'll sit close with her and caress her leg, but she just leaves her hand on my leg and doesn't move it at all. I can't take it - but I can't bear the thought of her not being here, so I act like everything is fine so I don't drive her away. I am crying all the time now when she isn't here.

 

Today I found out on her email history that she had been signing into singles sites as far back as June - so she's been planning this for a long time, even before she met this other guy. I need to know - does anyone think there is anyway she would come back to me after we are separated? Maybe living without me might turn her around? Can that happen after wanting out for so long? It's the only hope I have - does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or is it too late for any chance to save this?

Please be kind but honest.

 

 

I do understand how you feel and can sympathize as I am in the same predicament. Perhaps I have just come to the realization that it is over and I need to move on. It is difficult and will be for the next month since she is still here and that does not help. However, you are still in the denial stage and I know what that is like as I was just there. Many here will also tell you that you can slip back and forth between the grief phases and I’m sure that is what everyone means about the rollercoaster. Like yours, my wife is detached from this process and living an apparently normal lifestyle without any grief to leaving after 21 years of marriage. In fact, her grief seems to be relief. Who knows, maybe it is. Mine is not and I have many miles to go too, but right now I stepped into acceptance and will trod along towards the next milepost. Hey, that’s all you can do.

 

Here is a great website that helped put much in perspective: http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/makeitwork.html

 

Written for women, but if the shoe fits… The latter part is what helped me the most. There are some other good things to read elsewhere on the site about grief and the five steps.

 

Hang in there – I know it is tough but that will make us stronger…

[LostHusband]

Thank you for the reply. Yes I agree I am in the denial stage. But I keep thinking I am accepting it, then it starts to hit me, and I'm right back thinking this can't really be happening. Is this the worst stage? The first week it was like living in a complete nightmare it was so bad. It's not the nightmare it was but it still hurts like hell. How long did it take you to move beyond this stage? How can I accept what is happening and start the healing process while my wife is still living with me? In past relationships it has always been no contact after the first month of phone calls, trying to be friends - then that didn't work and I would forget and move on. I can't move on though - even when my wife leaves we have to stay in contact because of the kids. I feel I will never be over her!

[joekurtz]

Aaargh! I need some help! I feel like I have been punched in the gut over and over again. Things just keep getting worse, I think I am feeling better but then - *poof* all the bad/sad feelings keep coming back. My wife (STBXW) and I had a nice Sunday together - she's answering the phone with her friendly voice, she smiled at me when she came home, etc. But I keep feeling more and more in love with her when this happens, while she feels nothing for me. I'll take her hand and hold it, but she never takes my hand to hold. I'll sit close with her and caress her leg, but she just leaves her hand on my leg and doesn't move it at all. I can't take it - but I can't bear the thought of her not being here, so I act like everything is fine so I don't drive her away. I am crying all the time now when she isn't here.

 

Today I found out on her email history that she had been signing into singles sites as far back as June - so she's been planning this for a long time, even before she met this other guy. I need to know - does anyone think there is anyway she would come back to me after we are separated? Maybe living without me might turn her around? Can that happen after wanting out for so long? It's the only hope I have - does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or is it too late for any chance to save this?

Please be kind but honest.

 

 

My friend, I wish I knew what to tell you. But your's is a perplexing case in many ways.

 

I don't know what her deal is with this other guy that she works with, but no matter what she likes to call it or however she wants to rationalize it, it's infidelity. Plain & simple.

 

All that cutsie, flirty nonsense in her text messaging & e-mails to him, the little notes to him left in his car, the fact that her MySpace password is "I Love ____" it's ALL cheating. Every last bit of it.

 

As for whether or not they've become physically involved with one another, I can't say with any certainty. But I suspect they have. Despite her "grooming issues". In fact, that could be a strong indicator that she is doing him, I'm sorry to say. There happens to be a rather large contingent of men out there who actually prefer the "all natural" look. And, the fact that she's gone from one extreme to the other, says to me that there must be a reason for it.

 

Another very strong indicator of her infidelity is her absolute refusal to go to any sort of counseling with you. That's because she doesn't want to be put into a situation in which the truth might come out. She must realize that a professional isn't about to just let her sit there & lie throughout counseling sessions & not call her on it. They have a way of cutting through the BS that people try to feed them & get the truth to come out. Something that your wife obviously doesn't want.

 

I feel for you mate, because I dealt with a very similar situation before my wife & I eventually separated. And it's an absolutely awful way to have to live.

[LostHusband]

Sorry to sound like I'm in denial over the physical cheating thing - but I don't see it being possible. She works second shift - goes to work on time, comes home on time - takes her 20 minutes to get home and she is always home after work. When she's not working she's at home with the kids. On the weekends she stays at home. I don't see any time for anything physical to be happening. I'd like to let that part of the discussion rest anyway. If it is happening, I don't even want to know. I just want to move out of this terrible stage of sadness and get on with my life. I need some help on how to be friends with your ex-wife when you still have feelings for her though. Like I said, we are going to have to stay friendly with each other for the kids sake. I guess being friendly and being friends are two different things though. Dammit this sucks.

[LostHusband]

Tonight I did something that had to be done. Finding out all of her secrets is causing me unbearable pain. I helped her set up her hotmail account and her password, apparently she forgot this because she never changed it. I can't take finding out anything else, so I sent her an email telling her about this and told her to change her passwords. Now I won't be able to find out any more of her secrets but I'd rather be ignorant about everything. I've been ignorant for the past 6 months but I was at least happy - I didn't have any idea that she had lost her love for me so long ago, and I'm thankful I had the last few months of happiness before I found out. I now know where her heart lies, and it is not with me - that is all the more pain I need.

[BestAdvisor1]

so I sent her an email telling her about this and told her to change her passwords. Now I won't be able to find out any more of her secrets but I'd rather be ignorant about everything. I've been ignorant for the past 6 months but I was at least happy - I didn't have any idea that she had lost her love for me so long ago, and I'm thankful I had the last few months of happiness before I found out. I now know where her heart lies, and it is not with me - that is all the more pain I need.

 

Does she know that you know she was looking to date other people way back then?

 

Unless you're 100% (and not just 90%) set on divorce, you should not ignore and pretent things don't exist.

[LostHusband]

I'm not pretending they don't exist, I just don't want to find out this way. I don't want to keep be reminded of my wife's loss of love for me - I know she lost it, why would I want to keep torturing myself? Bringing things out in the open has done nothing to bring her around. Of course I wish she would just start loving me again, but that's not going to happen - no matter how much I find out about what she is doing behind my back.