Wife leaving - but still here

[jmargel]

Lost.. I would hate to tell you this on top of everything else, but what you are doing with your situation is ALL WRONG.

 

Now that being said, I can guide you onto the right track, but honestly you need to start doing this right after you read my reply. The longer you wait to follow my advice the lesser the chance that things will come around to your favor.

 

You have to look at your situation like you would a garden. Say you have a weed growing in this garden. This weed has a root and leaves. Equate a leaf on this weed as a topic in your relationship (such as her cheating), equate the root of this weed as a personality/attitude of your wife.

 

If you pull these leaves out (ie. dealing with only the cheating) it is certain to come back since the root of this weed is still there. You are only 'buying time' when you convince her to be with you, since the root of the weed is has not been dealt with. If you deal with the root of her problems, then the leaves will drop off by themselves and they will not grow back. However to deal with this root, SHE has to recognize this and has to want to work on her own personality/attitude issues.

 

Another way of saying this is that no matter who she would have married, she would be doing this too, because this has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her. She has herself convinced that you are the problem, and will try to convince you of that as well. By you crying and pleading with her, to her you are just re-enforcing what she already believes. This is counter-productive of what you are trying to achieve.

 

Now, that being said in these types of situations and you do not use what I call 'Tough love' (Get the book Love must be tough), and continue to tolerate her behavior then she will of course keep doing it because to her she is still justifying her behavior. She feels empowered, entitled to do this because of course she is a 'victim'.

 

You cannot change her, nothing you say or do will change her behavior. She has to hit rock bottom and lose what she has in order for her to want to change. This is because she holds no value in what she has right now, so as long as she has no value in the things she has with you she has no incentive to change her ways or at least think of the possiblity that this all happening because of her personality/attitude.

 

Tough love is designed to make her *think*. Tough love is not being nasty, mean or revengeful. Tough love is meant for you to get your self-respect back and to obtain confidence within' yourself. You have alot of power in this situation/marriage, it's a matter of you finding out how to grab it and get ahold of it.

 

I would first start out by stopping all the 'I love yous', stop being there when she calls, stop rolling over and piddling when you two get into a confrontation. Stop tolerating her behavior. Stop allowing her to disrespect you and your children. Reach deep down inside, grab that confidence and LIVE IT, not just show it. Know that there are millions of other women out there that will do you right, and love your children. Realize and understand that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

 

Start making short term goals for yourself, and start achieving them. Start working out physically and mentally on yourself and stop psycho-analyzing her. Stop trying to be her psychologist. Get what you need out of life without using fear, that's the definition of success. Boldly go upto her after you read this and tell her 'I refuse to be treated like this anymore. I refuse to be dragged through the mud and disrespected. I want you out of the house. I don't care where you live, however the children stay here. You are out on your own, good luck'. Then just walk away. Get ahold of a lawyer and get the situation resolved with the children before she uses them as a pawn in her twisted game.

 

If you continue the same path that you are on, I will guarantee that you will be dragged through the mud for the next year or two until she finally leaves anyway. In that time your children will suffer along with you. As Einstein said it best 'Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'. Now you tell me what you should do now?

[base618]

I am right in the midst of where you are (but do not have children, I cannot imigiane how that complicates things). Found my wife's texts, emails, etc. She finally slept with him, and I caught her. It is inevitable that it will be physical. Her password was his name as well (every story on here is almost the same).

 

I spent 2 months in the dark, not knowing, crying, snooping, etc. After she slept with him, she moved in with him and I haven't seen her since. I was so angry. But, at some point, you will realize, why do you want to be with a woman who lies, deceives, cheats, is cruel and heartless to you and hurts you? (stop and re-read that last sentence ten times, seriously, read it ten times and repeat it to yourself everytime you have feelings for her) Or to put it another way, if a friend of yours came to you with his problem, telling you that his wife was cheating on him, lying to him etc., what would you tell your friend to do? I doubt you would tell him to do the things you are doing right now.

 

What helped me was looking back and realizing just how many lies she was telling to cover up what was just an EA at the time. I thought I knew her, thought she could never lie, blah, blah. It's hard to grasp that someone you loved so much and married could be so mean to you. Once you accept that they are no longer the person you married, it makes it easier.

 

You need to do the 'tough love' stuff mentioned on here, and NOT to get her back. Right now you're goal cannot be to get her back. You must accept she is gone, and get yourself happy again. Is there a chance that she will see you happy and want to come back? Maybe, but if it does, you'll be the exception.

 

The more you stand up for yourself, the better you will feel, I guarantee it. Indifference ends up being very powerful. All I wanted to do was either yell and scream at my wife, or break down in front of her hoping she would take me back. What I realized was, the most hurtful thing I could do to her was not care (it's not a mean hurtful, it's a reality of what's going on hurtful. She told you she doesn't love you anymore, you have everyright to not show emotion towards her, it's what her actions were asking for).

 

During every phone call or email conversation, my mind would race with either mean things to say to hurt her, or what could I say right now to win her back, but I would force myself keep my answers to simple yes or no one word answers. When I would send the email, or hang up the phone, I would be releived that I didn't yell, or I didn't cry. I could also tell she was very agitated that I was indifferent. There is nothing wrong with not caring for her, she's already left you!

 

Right now, your wife has the best of both worlds. She has someone to think about the future with and fantasize about (HIM) and she has a doting, husband stroking her legs, calling her at lunch, etc. I noticed a complete change in attitude in my wife when I became indifferent. The realization sunk in that the choice she made is leading to our divorce. She's now living with him, he made her declaw her cat at age 5 (she knows that you're not suppossed to do that to a cat that old), he has a dog and her cat is petrified of dogs, he's a co-worker, she's afraid what everyone will think at work, etc. Her life is going downhill fast and right now, I can tell you I'm glad I'm not a part of it. They were all her choices, and she's just now dealing with the consequences of what she's done. If your wife wants to leave and is bringing boxes home to pack, let her go. Let her move away from her childern, let her realize she doesn't have you to count on anymore. You're not forcing these bad things on her, she wants to do them herself, let her go and do it.

 

It took me 2 weeks of complete rage to finally get to where I'm at. I had the luxury of not living with her. Start taking some little steps to move on. Don't talk to her unless necessary (no more lunch calls!), donate clothes that she picked out for you to charity, take down pictures of the two of you, leave your wedding ring at home, take some time and go through some old stuff and throw it out, work out, throw out souvineers from trips and momentos of your relationship, tell her you're throwing out the wedding album then do it (it was very theraputic for me to put all those things in the trash can), go out with friends at night, START WORKING ON YOURSELF! I would be curious to her reaction to those things. If she doesn't care if you throw out all that stuff, there you have it, might as well throw them out because it's over.

 

You need to think of everytime you don't cry, or say sappy things, or call her at lunch as a victory. I started to become proud of myself for the restraint I would show. What happens is, you end up training yourself to not care and let go. Don't be mean, just be indifferent.

 

Good luck, it is horrible, it does get better. Your wife lies and cheats, accept it, she's not the person you married.

[Mz. Pixie]

Boldly go upto her after you read this and tell her 'I refuse to be treated like this anymore. I refuse to be dragged through the mud and disrespected. I want you out of the house. I don't care where you live, however the children stay here. You are out on your own, good luck'. Then just walk away. Get ahold of a lawyer and get the situation resolved with the children before she uses them as a pawn in her twisted game.

 

 

Jmargel is right!!! Listen to him on this point. What she wants is to continue to live there with you- while you support her financially while she finds YOUR replacement. Then, once he will support her she will be gone.

 

She is the one who wants the divorce- she is the one who needs to leave, not you. Make it clear to her she's on her own financially once she does so.

 

Let her know the only thing you will accept is that she cut off contact with his guy and actively work on your marriage. Nothing else will work for you. If she cannot do this she needs to pack. TODAY.

 

Don't give her a big grace period to make her decision either. Tell her she has about five minutes.

 

Then, stick to your guns.

[jmargel]

I wouldn't even give her that 5 minute grace period. That is allowing her to get back into your good graces way too fast. She has to really, truly realize that she has lost you. She needs much soul-searching and then she has to try 120% to get you back, and that should not even be a guarantee that you will come back.

 

You are not getting anything positive out of this marriage, you continue to play detective and you will continue to do this as long as you are with her. Open that cage door as WIDE as you can! Let her flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy awayyyyyyyy!

 

Life is way too short to waste it on someone who doesn't care. Time is too precious. Make life as beautiful as possible with someone that will really love and care about you.

[LostHusband]

Thank you for all the replies - I am taking it all to heart and I am building myself up mentally to be able to do all of those things. This morning I told her (before I read any of these last few posts) that what she was doing to me was disrespectful to me and the children. I am already planning on getting her out after Christmas, I just can't throw mommy out right now and ruin my two children's Christmas, it might make things better for me, but not for them. I tried taking down pictures of her and me - but that didn't go so well with my 5 year old son, he looked at the wall and said "Why'd you take down that picture of you and mommy?" I told him I was just cleaning and I put it back up. I don't know how many of you people that gave me the above advice have young children, but it DOES make it extremely difficult to just split up like that.

 

I do need to stop feeling so much emotion for her though. I am starting to not only want to be indifferent towards her, but I am feeling it. Once my indifference has built up and I have taken her off her damn pedestal I will just get her boxes out and start packing her things up myself.

[LostHusband]

I swear my wife is crazy. After reading all this and responding with my reply. I was feeling pretty crappy about everything. I thought of the whole possibility of getting her out of here and had pretty mixed emotions - I admit I am still in denial but trying to get out of it. So I'm downstairs doing laundry just thinking about stuff and I turn around and there she is walking down the stairs. She was suppose to be at work but there was a big ice storm and hardly anyone showed up so she came back home. I kind of ignored her for the most part - just said "Hey what are you doing home?" and that sort of thing. She went upstairs to wrap Christmas presents and I walked in and she was smiling "You better not look or you'll see your present". She then was talking to me in a cutesy voice "Don't buy yourself any moooovies." I kind of laughed at her and went back downstairs.

 

I made some pizza boats for us all and we started watching "Shrek the Halls" with the kids. My wife likes the baby ogres - she started acting silly, "Awwww look at the little babies! Let's adopt a little baby!" Again I laughed at her. Later after getting the kids ready for bed she was wanting some ice cream. I figured what the hell, why not, we were getting along so well, lets keep it going. Before I left we started "messing around" and without going into a bunch of detail had some great spontaneous sex.

 

WTF? I wish me and her got along this well while we were "married" instead of when we are about to be separated. Anyway - it was a really great night and I was glad to have had it, though now I am starting to feel bad about everything again, though my crying spells have stopped for the last 24 hours so that's pretty good. I know having a great night with the wife isn't going to suddenly change her mind, and it hasn't, but I really like having moments like that - I want to just man up and kick her out but then all of it will stop and I'll be miserable with no chances for great nights like that. It's the predicament I have been in this whole time, I am getting along great with my wife now (most of the time), and I like having her around, even though I go through a LOT of pain throughout the week. When she finally leaves I will be going through even MORE PAIN I know, but I can also start to heal. It's like wanting plastic surgery or some operation that will make you into a much better person, but the procedure puts you into a lot of pain, so it's easier just to keep things the way things are.

[thehonesttruth]

As usual, I'm not in 100% agreement with the other posters on here. One size doesn't fit all, and not all wives who ask for separation are cheating, lying, manipulators set out to hurt you.

 

As I've said before, I don't think she's cheating physically. Logging on to singles websites is sleazy, but it isn't cheating, nor does it necessarily mean she's "laying the groundwork" for anything besides knowing what else might be out there. (Once you take a good look out there, sometimes you realize what you've got at home is much more worth working out!). Fighting anger with more anger just increases the hurt for all, and ends up hurting your kids the worst--don't think they don't know or can't figure out eventually what's going on.

 

Sounds like she is extremely unhappy, probably clinically depressed, and has pinpointed the marriage as a big (or main) part of the unhappiness. She won't get help, and that's the biggest concern. Her back and forth, acting like she hates you then she loves you again business is NOT UNCOMMON for someone with major depression and/or unresolved anger issues. I don't think she's deliberately trying to hurt you; from what you've told us, she doesn't sound like some slick shyster. I agree that some laying down of the law is appropriate, I don't think you should hide or cover that you still love her, and want to be with her. That doesn't make you weak; it makes you someone strong who models showing honest feelings to his kids. Even if she won't get counseling, it is very important for you to do it.

 

And for the record, I do think there is a decent chance that with time, and hopefully with some counseling, she would come back.

[LostHusband]

Thank you, Thehonesttruth, that was one of the more positive opinions I have heard so far. The reason she won't go to counseling is she thinks it would be a waste of time since she's not in love with me anymore. She believes nothing will change her mind about how she feels about me - that counseling cannot fix her and make her love me. I know there is much more to counseling, that is about communication - but she thinks that once you fall out of love with someone you can't be talked into falling back in love with them, so why bother.

 

The emotional affair she has had has been weighing on my mind a lot. It's almost as bad as walking in on her having sex with another man. I've told her about how she is having an EA, and she said there is no such thing. I couldn't believe it. I told her having feelings for someone else and pursuing it when you are married is an affair. I found some links about EA's and they pretty much cover all of the symptoms that have been going on - so I sent the links to her. I don't need her to admit she has been having an EA to me - I just want her to admit it to herself. Is that so wrong?

[redblack66]

Thank you, Thehonesttruth, that was one of the more positive opinions I have heard so far. The reason she won't go to counseling is she thinks it would be a waste of time since she's not in love with me anymore. She believes nothing will change her mind about how she feels about me - that counseling cannot fix her and make her love me. I know there is much more to counseling, that is about communication - but she thinks that once you fall out of love with someone you can't be talked into falling back in love with them, so why bother.

 

The emotional affair she has had has been weighing on my mind a lot. It's almost as bad as walking in on her having sex with another man. I've told her about how she is having an EA, and she said there is no such thing. I couldn't believe it. I told her having feelings for someone else and pursuing it when you are married is an affair. I found some links about EA's and they pretty much cover all of the symptoms that have been going on - so I sent the links to her. I don't need her to admit she has been having an EA to me - I just want her to admit it to herself. Is that so wrong?

 

Man I was there. Move on with your life as quickly as you can; otherwise you will be on LS for a few more months and will be exhausted like me with BS.

All these EAs seem to be a pattern, rather than an exception. Don't buy any more BS from her.

[jmargel]

I swear my wife is crazy. After reading all this and responding with my reply. I was feeling pretty crappy about everything. I thought of the whole possibility of getting her out of here and had pretty mixed emotions - I admit I am still in denial but trying to get out of it. So I'm downstairs doing laundry just thinking about stuff and I turn around and there she is walking down the stairs. She was suppose to be at work but there was a big ice storm and hardly anyone showed up so she came back home. I kind of ignored her for the most part - just said "Hey what are you doing home?" and that sort of thing. She went upstairs to wrap Christmas presents and I walked in and she was smiling "You better not look or you'll see your present". She then was talking to me in a cutesy voice "Don't buy yourself any moooovies." I kind of laughed at her and went back downstairs.

 

I made some pizza boats for us all and we started watching "Shrek the Halls" with the kids. My wife likes the baby ogres - she started acting silly, "Awwww look at the little babies! Let's adopt a little baby!" Again I laughed at her. Later after getting the kids ready for bed she was wanting some ice cream. I figured what the hell, why not, we were getting along so well, lets keep it going. Before I left we started "messing around" and without going into a bunch of detail had some great spontaneous sex.

 

WTF? I wish me and her got along this well while we were "married" instead of when we are about to be separated. Anyway - it was a really great night and I was glad to have had it, though now I am starting to feel bad about everything again, though my crying spells have stopped for the last 24 hours so that's pretty good. I know having a great night with the wife isn't going to suddenly change her mind, and it hasn't, but I really like having moments like that - I want to just man up and kick her out but then all of it will stop and I'll be miserable with no chances for great nights like that. It's the predicament I have been in this whole time, I am getting along great with my wife now (most of the time), and I like having her around, even though I go through a LOT of pain throughout the week. When she finally leaves I will be going through even MORE PAIN I know, but I can also start to heal. It's like wanting plastic surgery or some operation that will make you into a much better person, but the procedure puts you into a lot of pain, so it's easier just to keep things the way things are.

 

That's just her ploy to keep you as a safety net. Good chance she had an argument with her bf, so she comes to you. Just like when she has an agrument with you, she goes to him.

 

STOP rolling over and piddling!! Why are you giving yourself to her in this way when she does NOT deserve it! She needs to EARN this. I am telling you, about 90% of the affairs on here have moments like this. Don't take this as a sign that everything is fine because IT IS NOT.

 

You need tough love!! Keep distant from her! Please re-reade my last two posts.

[Woggle]

I would not be intimate with her anymore and I would treat her as a rommate. She wants to be seperated so seperate fully. When women pull this type of thing I would give them exactly what they want. By you buying into this you are just setting yourself up for a bigger fall.

[LostHusband]

God this is so hard! But you are so right - I need to stand up for myself, but I am falling apart! This morning we got into it a little bit about her EA, then she became very cold towards me - it hurt like hell having her act that way towards me. I got up and told her I wanted her out "RIGHT NOW!" and started grabbing her clothes and told her to pack up and leave, I didn't care where. She cried - where could she go? I said fine, then I'm leaving - with our daughter. She got very upset about that, we both were upset. I cooled down, I realized I had nowhere to go either. She was afraid I would take the children and go, I told her I would never do that to her or the kids. We had a long embrace. We talked about the possibility of her moving out as soon as possible, I told her I didn't want her moving out because of a fight, but she did need to go. We need to try and stay friendly when she moves for the kids at least. We are going to find her a place, she may not even be here for Christmas it has gotten so hard to be around her. It was one hell of a morning, and I've felt like crap ever since. I still feel terrible - mainly because I am starting to accept the situation - that this is really going to happen, my wife is going to be gone. I can't make myself feel better by being in denial any longer. It's really over...and it's one of the worst feelings I've felt in a long time.

[redblack66]

God this is so hard! But you are so right - I need to stand up for myself, but I am falling apart! This morning we got into it a little bit about her EA, then she became very cold towards me - it hurt like hell having her act that way towards me. I got up and told her I wanted her out "RIGHT NOW!" and started grabbing her clothes and told her to pack up and leave, I didn't care where. She cried - where could she go? I said fine, then I'm leaving - with our daughter. She got very upset about that, we both were upset. I cooled down, I realized I had nowhere to go either. She was afraid I would take the children and go, I told her I would never do that to her or the kids. We had a long embrace. We talked about the possibility of her moving out as soon as possible, I told her I didn't want her moving out because of a fight, but she did need to go. We need to try and stay friendly when she moves for the kids at least. We are going to find her a place, she may not even be here for Christmas it has gotten so hard to be around her. It was one hell of a morning, and I've felt like crap ever since. I still feel terrible - mainly because I am starting to accept the situation - that this is really going to happen, my wife is going to be gone. I can't make myself feel better by being in denial any longer. It's really over...and it's one of the worst feelings I've felt in a long time.

 

I feel for you. I am in the same hole. If you can have the kids with you full time, you must be VERY lucky. So if this is the case, just enjoy it, as it can be much worse.

[LostHusband]

I take care of the kids every night since she works until 3am - they will be staying with me all week, just going over to her new place (wherever/whenever that will be) in the afternoons while I work. On the weekends we will alternate - so I really won't see the kids any less except for every other weekend, which even that I am not looking forward to AT ALL.

 

I am really starting to wonder how the hell she is going to manage on her own, seeing as I do pretty much everything for her. I even have to call her to wake her up every day so my daughter is not running around all afternoon all by herself while my wife sleeps.

[redblack66]

I take care of the kids every night since she works until 3am - they will be staying with me all week, just going over to her new place (wherever/whenever that will be) in the afternoons while I work. On the weekends we will alternate - so I really won't see the kids any less except for every other weekend, which even that I am not looking forward to AT ALL.

 

I am really starting to wonder how the hell she is going to manage on her own, seeing as I do pretty much everything for her. I even have to call her to wake her up every day so my daughter is not running around all afternoon all by herself while my wife sleeps.

 

Enjoy your kids and move on. This is the only thing I can say. I have to decide if I should allow my wife to move 2,000 miles away with my kids. Can be much worse, as I said.

[LostHusband]

Been a bad night tonight - really starting to hit me hard that she's going to be gone. I think I liked being in denial more. Is it wrong for the only thing that makes me feel any better is thinking about how hard everything is going to be for her when she moves? She will have to move from a large two story house to a small apartment. She will be coming home to it empty, and waking up alone. She spends tons of time on the computer and in front of the TV. She only has an old crappy tv that barely works. Probably won't have cable or be able to afford or even know what to do to get satellite TV. I own both computers and she's not taking one of them. She wouldn't even know how to set up a computer/internet - so she can't stay up all night shopping online and doing all the things she enjoys doing. She'll have to do her own dishes, take out garbage, will have to go somewhere else to do laundry. She's going to have it tough. I have not decided how much I will help her out. Shall I just let her figure it all out on her own or help her out with setting up a computer/internet, getting her TV/Cable/Satellite installed, letting her come over to do laundry? I don't know, I know this is all her doing, but I've already told her I wanted to stay friends and I would help her out. Now I'm not so sure I should.

[redblack66]

Been a bad night tonight - really starting to hit me hard that she's going to be gone. I think I liked being in denial more. Is it wrong for the only thing that makes me feel any better is thinking about how hard everything is going to be for her when she moves? She will have to move from a large two story house to a small apartment. She will be coming home to it empty, and waking up alone. She spends tons of time on the computer and in front of the TV. She only has an old crappy tv that barely works. Probably won't have cable or be able to afford or even know what to do to get satellite TV. I own both computers and she's not taking one of them. She wouldn't even know how to set up a computer/internet - so she can't stay up all night shopping online and doing all the things she enjoys doing. She'll have to do her own dishes, take out garbage, will have to go somewhere else to do laundry. She's going to have it tough. I have not decided how much I will help her out. Shall I just let her figure it all out on her own or help her out with setting up a computer/internet, getting her TV/Cable/Satellite installed, letting her come over to do laundry? I don't know, I know this is all her doing, but I've already told her I wanted to stay friends and I would help her out. Now I'm not so sure I should.

 

I would not worry and think about what she can or cannot do. If you feel helping, help; if it hurts you, be selfish and take care of yourself.

It is important to be a bit selfish in these situations. My biggest worry is not to get sick, because of worries and self inflicted stress on me.

[jmargel]

I have not decided how much I will help her out.

 

Don't help her out at all! Except to pack her bags. You MUST follow through with tough love. You have no other option, if you succumb to her you will be forever whipped.

 

You did not cause this, SHE did. Remember that. She has created all of this mess. You are not her dad to bail her out of this mess, especially since she still wants her bf.

 

What you two have now is not a marriage. Every minute that goes by that she is still with him, that's another minute of her disrespecting you and your children.

 

It does not matter how 'tough' she will have it, that's not of your concern anymore. She has to face the consequences of what she has done, and if you help her out at all, then you are still there as the safety net and you will still be tolerating her behavior towards you and the children.

 

By your posts, you have done everything for her, she doesn't appreciate it because she EXPECTS it from you. She will be expecting you to help her out when she moves, therefore even if you do help it won't be appreciated. You will just be saving her bf the extra time of doing it himself.

 

Become as distant as possible towards her. Stop doing all these things for her already. We know what works and what doesn't on here. Most of us have been helping people like you for many years. Trust us and our experience. Right now you need to go against your instinct to help her. When you get into that mode, force yourself to think of all the hurt she has caused you and your children. Command the respect.

[LostHusband]

Well it was a horrible night, I woke up at 3:45 am and my wife was not home, she usually gets home around 3:30 am, but sometimes she runs to the store after work. I waited around awhile, unable to fall back to sleep - she had problems with her car door not shutting earlier that night, so I wanted to make sure she wasn't still having problems and it was keeping her from coming home - so I called her. No answer. Maybe she had her stereo blaring, waited awhile and called again - no answer. Starting to panic, had no idea where she was - it was coming up on an hour that she was not home and did not answer her phone, she only has a 15 minute drive home. I finally got ahold of her - "Where are you?" "I'm still at work" she said. "What? Why?" She replies "I needed some closure." My heart sank (hard to believe it could sink any further) "Closure?" I asked, scared out of my mind, "From...?" "From _____." She was speaking of her "friend". She wanted to talk to him just to make sure if there was anything more between them - he didn't feel it, she just had to know so she could "get over him." I found that ironic, she is trying to get over this guy she had just become "close friends" with for a few months, and here I am going through hell trying to get over my wife and love of 6 years.

 

But I felt relief. My paranoia died down, the images of her and him together that were causing me so much misery began to subside. I felt maybe I can let go of her now, not having to panic all the time thinking of her ending up with him. I have started to feel emotionally detached from her. She has put me through hell, and her feelings for me have not changed one bit I am sure. I don't feel like talking to her much anymore, I'd rather not even see her, but this is impossible since she still lives here. I have barely spoken to her since last night, just enough to tell her to take the kids to the grandparents today. I usually come home from work early so I can watch the kids when she goes to work, but I didn't want to see her getting ready to go to work, so I just stayed at work and picked up the kids later.

 

I hope I can continue to feel this detachment, but I'm afraid things will get bad again with the holidays coming up. We are going to a hockey game and Christmas shopping this weekend without the kids. This could be a time for me to shine and show her how much I don't care anymore, or a time to just be friendly but distant to her, or a time to fall to pieces all over again - but I seem to have hit rock bottom, and I don't want to fall down that hole again, so we shall see.

[LostHusband]

Update on my weekend. It went great - I was collected, confident. We had a perfect time. Went to a hockey game, spent the night together (no kids!) in a motel, got up and went shopping the next day. No negative talk about separation or relationship stuff. Just a very good weekend with the wife, probably one of our best in a long long time. I am in a very calm state of mind right now, which is a nice feeling for a change. She hasn't had a change of heart though (although I'm not about to ask), I know she'll be leaving one of these days, but it makes it easier when we can just hang out and I don't feel all lost and clingy around her, just felt like a normal married couple, may be temporary but its ok, I need some time to come back to normalcy then maybe I can deal with the reality of the situation better in the future.

[Mz. Pixie]

Update on my weekend. It went great - I was collected, confident. We had a perfect time. Went to a hockey game, spent the night together (no kids!) in a motel, got up and went shopping the next day. No negative talk about separation or relationship stuff. Just a very good weekend with the wife, probably one of our best in a long long time. I am in a very calm state of mind right now, which is a nice feeling for a change. She hasn't had a change of heart though (although I'm not about to ask), I know she'll be leaving one of these days, but it makes it easier when we can just hang out and I don't feel all lost and clingy around her, just felt like a normal married couple, may be temporary but its ok, I need some time to come back to normalcy then maybe I can deal with the reality of the situation better in the future.

 

Ummmm, why in the world would you take her to a hotel and shopping when she's screwing around on you??

 

Grow a pair. She's never going to respect you if you don't.

[redblack66]

Ummmm, why in the world would you take her to a hotel and shopping when she's screwing around on you??

 

Grow a pair. She's never going to respect you if you don't.

 

It is so predictable how we all go through the same path.

Man, ignore her. Her subconscious point of view is:

I am cheating -> he loves me and takes care of me -> he must be an idiot -> do I want to be with such a person?

Sorry, I may be wrong in my judgment.

[LostHusband]

It's something we've been planning for a long time. I was afraid to go at first, but we went and it was a really great time. I am glad to have had that moment with her and we have been getting along fine ever since. She never screwed around on me anyway, not in the physical sense, I made that pretty clear. It was just a nice weekend with the wife, she is still my wife after all, why not at least spend quality time with her while I can? It's a complex issue to be sure, I'm not sure people are getting what is going on - its always about she's cheating, ditch her, ignore her, forget her, but it's not so black and white, its not so simple.

[redblack66]

It's something we've been planning for a long time. I was afraid to go at first, but we went and it was a really great time. I am glad to have had that moment with her and we have been getting along fine ever since. She never screwed around on me anyway, not in the physical sense, I made that pretty clear. It was just a nice weekend with the wife, she is still my wife after all, why not at least spend quality time with her while I can? It's a complex issue to be sure, I'm not sure people are getting what is going on - its always about she's cheating, ditch her, ignore her, forget her, but it's not so black and white, its not so simple.

 

Sure, it is not black and white. It was not black and white in my case,

and over the months I realized it is pretty clear that I have been interpreting the black and white that there are chances when there are none. Use your judgment. I am talking from my experience, which does not apply universally.

[LostHusband]

Thank you - I am using the best judgment I can, obviously my mind is still in a haze of love. I just know I would not have changed anything I have done so far, I'm glad she is still around, for now at least. I was going crazy before this weekend, my heart was filled with a horrible sadness and I was doing nothing but crying. Now I have calmed down considerably - I'm doing really well in fact - which is a nice change. It isn't because I think she is going to change her mind, nothing has made me think she would. I'm just glad things between us are going so well at the moment. I may fall hard again soon, but I can at least have some good days before all this is over.