Wife leaving - but still here

[Bummed&Hurt]

LostHusband,

 

I know what you're talking about. My wife has never admitted to having a physical affair but the evidence is just so overwhelming. I'm just trying to get through Christmas and will bring everything to a boiling point. She can't have her cake and eat it to. She's going to have to make a decision.

[redblack66]

LostHusband,

 

I know what you're talking about. My wife has never admitted to having a physical affair but the evidence is just so overwhelming. I'm just trying to get through Christmas and will bring everything to a boiling point. She can't have her cake and eat it to. She's going to have to make a decision.

 

From my experience, my wife did not admit, until I discovered it. Save yourself the pain of discovering it and move on. This is what I should have done, but it does not mean you should do the same.

[LostinBama]

Thank you - I am using the best judgment I can, obviously my mind is still in a haze of love. I just know I would not have changed anything I have done so far, I'm glad she is still around, for now at least. I was going crazy before this weekend, my heart was filled with a horrible sadness and I was doing nothing but crying. Now I have calmed down considerably - I'm doing really well in fact - which is a nice change. It isn't because I think she is going to change her mind, nothing has made me think she would. I'm just glad things between us are going so well at the moment. I may fall hard again soon, but I can at least have some good days before all this is over.

 

I have to agree with the others, but only you can be at peace with how you handle the situation. My situation, like many others here, parallels yours in almost a frightening way. Change the names and some situations and it is the same. Mine is a bit different in some respects, but the outcome is the same – disrespect. Once respect is replaced by lying and deceit, it is over. I still have fresh wounds, but now I know how I got them and how bad it is, so I have to nurse them and move on.

 

Whatever you do, do not try to fool yourself, as the truth always floats to the surface.

 

 

 

I wish you the best and hope that things work out for you…

[LostHusband]

Thanks LostinBama, do you have a thread I could check out? I have considered everyone's advice and support, even though right now I am still just going with my gut and doing my own thing. Me and the wife haven't talked about any of the separation/EA stuff in almost a week, everything has calmed down between us and it all seems so normal - which makes it hard to think about her leaving, and sometimes I have to force myself to remember she IS leaving and give myself a good cry just so I am not fooling myself. Otherwise, I'm just getting through each day trying not to focus on things too much. I'll be checking in on this site daily, but I don't have much new information to post lately. I haven't become worse or sadder, but I don't feel a whole let better. Though in a way I have gotten better, I am starting to be more interested in things I use to be and I enjoy just keeping busy. I tend to focus on positives and not be bitter and negative about things. I'll keep you all updated if you are interested, don't know when anything will change but I'll let you know when it does.

[LostHusband]

It's been awhile since I have updated. I had an update a week ago but it got lost during the technical difficulties. I have been doing pretty good lately. Last night was one of my best nights yet. The wife was on the couch I was on the computer listening to some music and I was just grooving along really getting into it, reading funny stuff on the net and just laughing. She probably thought I was losing it. But I was feeling really good, like a light turned on and I was finally feeling free from her. I got a movie out I knew she had no interest in, but I didn't care, I just told her I wanted to watch it and she could go ahead and head up to bed. I laughed all through the movie (it was "Superbad" omg I laughed my ass off). It was a really great feeling to just be alone not wanting to be around her and just having fun.

 

Well today I was feeling a little down about things again, but I figured I would come home and it would be ok - she's on break from work so we have been home together this whole time and I've been good with it, just friendly with her and not clingy or crying or anything. But I walked in the door and she had been taking down the Christmas decorations - no big deal. But then I looked at all the walls in the dining room. They were barren. All of our pictures were down, all of her little knicknacks had been taken away - she boxed everything up. I was floored, I knew it would happen eventually, and I had been having bad dreams about this very thing. But I was NOT prepared to come home to that. She didn't even talk to me about it before hand - she just took everything down and let me come home. I thought maybe it could wait until I was more ready, and I wanted to be able to take stuff down myself. She's not even moving out until April! It was a horrible feeling - the house was still a mess. Why couldn't she just spend time cleaning stuff up? Why did she have to go and just make the walls so barren and make me feel so awful? It felt like I was making progress being around her but I just broke down and cried - I begged her to put the pictures back up. She put some back up but told me it has to happen eventually. She thought it would be easier if she did a little at a time. Well that may be true but how about preparing me just a little for it?

 

So I'm better now, I put some stuff up of my own on the wall to fill in some spaces. My wife felt kind of bad and said she wouldn't pack anything more up just yet, and when she does she'll let me know. I feel pretty stupid for getting so upset - I kept looking at that stuff and picturing the walls bare in my mind, but I had no idea I would get so upset when it actually happened. The rollercoaster continues...

[PWSX3]

It's something we've been planning for a long time. I was afraid to go at first, but we went and it was a really great time. I am glad to have had that moment with her and we have been getting along fine ever since. She never screwed around on me anyway, not in the physical sense, I made that pretty clear. It was just a nice weekend with the wife, she is still my wife after all, why not at least spend quality time with her while I can? It's a complex issue to be sure, I'm not sure people are getting what is going on - its always about she's cheating, ditch her, ignore her, forget her, but it's not so black and white, its not so simple.

We all need affection & I feel you are hoping that maybe things will get better, that she will change her mind. Two of my single guy friends have both told me the one thing they do miss is the companionship of a relationship & maybe that is what you were hoping for by going with the W.

As for her not having a physical affair, do you really think she would tell you? How often do you see a robber after he was caught say; I didn't do it, it wasn't me even when they found them with there hands in the honey jar?

It doesn't matter if it is a physical one or not, she doesn't have her heart in your relationship. Remember it takes 100% from both people & it doesn't sound like she is doing that.

 

It's been awhile since I have updated. I had an update a week ago but it got lost during the technical difficulties. I have been doing pretty good lately. Last night was one of my best nights yet. The wife was on the couch I was on the computer listening to some music and I was just grooving along really getting into it, reading funny stuff on the net and just laughing. She probably thought I was losing it. But I was feeling really good, like a light turned on and I was finally feeling free from her. I got a movie out I knew she had no interest in, but I didn't care, I just told her I wanted to watch it and she could go ahead and head up to bed. I laughed all through the movie (it was "Superbad" omg I laughed my ass off). It was a really great feeling to just be alone not wanting to be around her and just having fun.

 

Well today I was feeling a little down about things again, but I figured I would come home and it would be ok - she's on break from work so we have been home together this whole time and I've been good with it, just friendly with her and not clingy or crying or anything. But I walked in the door and she had been taking down the Christmas decorations - no big deal. But then I looked at all the walls in the dining room. They were barren. All of our pictures were down, all of her little knicknacks had been taken away - she boxed everything up. I was floored, I knew it would happen eventually, and I had been having bad dreams about this very thing. But I was NOT prepared to come home to that. She didn't even talk to me about it before hand - she just took everything down and let me come home. I thought maybe it could wait until I was more ready, and I wanted to be able to take stuff down myself. She's not even moving out until April! It was a horrible feeling - the house was still a mess. Why couldn't she just spend time cleaning stuff up? Why did she have to go and just make the walls so barren and make me feel so awful? It felt like I was making progress being around her but I just broke down and cried - I begged her to put the pictures back up. She put some back up but told me it has to happen eventually. She thought it would be easier if she did a little at a time. Well that may be true but how about preparing me just a little for it?

 

So I'm better now, I put some stuff up of my own on the wall to fill in some spaces. My wife felt kind of bad and said she wouldn't pack anything more up just yet, and when she does she'll let me know. I feel pretty stupid for getting so upset - I kept looking at that stuff and picturing the walls bare in my mind, but I had no idea I would get so upset when it actually happened. The rollercoaster continues...

Sorry I didn't read everything, but why is she not moving out until April? If it was me I would be helping her put stuff in boxes, if she wants out then let her go. I'm sorry but she has packed your relationship up a long time ago so there is nothing you can do or say to change it, as far as she sees it there is a lot of green grass over there on the other side of the fence & until she sees it for herself there is no hope. Yes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence & you want to know why? Because of all the Bullsh*t that has been spread on it, but it turns brown pretty quick once they have spent some time over there.

 

When my W gave me the "I'm not in Love with you" speech & talked about moving out she was just like all the rest. She was nice to me, she was kind & would give me the little kisses & hugs (because I thought I needed them) but she was done with our relationship way before that. She was saving money & getting her ducks in a row, but once I found out we moved her moving out up a month, if she wasn't in love with me anymore then I didn't see why she needed to still be around.

 

I don't know who gets the house, but when your W took down the pictures you did the right thing, put your stuff up, start moving the furniture around the way you want it. The first thing I did when my W moved out was move the furniture, put a new coat of paint on a couple walls & did some repairs that hadn't been taken care of for a while.

I also had to replace the linoleum at the front door & when the W found out she asked me why I didn't ask her about it & I just told her I was responsible of keeping up the house while we were separated & it needed fixed.

 

The quicker your W sees you can move on without her the better off you will be.

[redblack66]

As for her not having a physical affair, do you really think she would tell you? How often do you see a robber after he was caught say; I didn't dso it, it wasn't me even when they found them with there hands in the honey jar?

It doesn't matter if it is a physical one or not, she doesn't have her heart in your relationship. Remember it takes 100% from both people & it doesn't sound like she is doing that.

 

Friends, an motional affair is much worse than just having sex and no feelings, I think.

It does not make a huge difference if she did or did not have a physical affair. I would assume she had and would not live in denial.

 

If you want to know for sure, get creative and figure out if this is the case. Nothing is impossible.

Go to a spy store and ask a few questions. I remember seeing some paper strips that when you put them on underwear they can give some indication, whatever it is.

[LostHusband]

 

Sorry I didn't read everything, but why is she not moving out until April? If it was me I would be helping her put stuff in boxes, if she wants out then let her go. I'm sorry but she has packed your relationship up a long time ago so there is nothing you can do or say to change it, as far as she sees it there is a lot of green grass over there on the other side of the fence & until she sees it for herself there is no hope. Yes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence & you want to know why? Because of all the Bullsh*t that has been spread on it, but it turns brown pretty quick once they have spent some time over there.

 

When my W gave me the "I'm not in Love with you" speech & talked about moving out she was just like all the rest. She was nice to me, she was kind & would give me the little kisses & hugs (because I thought I needed them) but she was done with our relationship way before that. She was saving money & getting her ducks in a row, but once I found out we moved her moving out up a month, if she wasn't in love with me anymore then I didn't see why she needed to still be around.

 

I don't know who gets the house, but when your W took down the pictures you did the right thing, put your stuff up, start moving the furniture around the way you want it. The first thing I did when my W moved out was move the furniture, put a new coat of paint on a couple walls & did some repairs that hadn't been taken care of for a while.

I also had to replace the linoleum at the front door & when the W found out she asked me why I didn't ask her about it & I just told her I was responsible of keeping up the house while we were separated & it needed fixed.

 

The quicker your W sees you can move on without her the better off you will be.

 

She's not moving until April because there is a house we both want her to move into that is not far from our current one. The house is owned by a friend of a the family who owns a lot fo properties. I learned about the house from him and right now it is currently occupied, and will be until spring. She might be able to find a different one, and it may come to that, but right now I have gotten by two months I think I can handle a few more, but we will see.

 

She's still packing up stuff, even though the rest of the house still has Christmas decorations up! She tells me she is packing up stuff and organizing the house for me at the same time. She's been looking in magazines and finding pictures of different room motifs and asking me if I like them. She wants to help me fix the place up to look more like a "bachelor pad" for me. WTF? She even wants to repaint the living room for me (right now it is a purplish/pink that she originally painted it). I told her I didn't care right now what color it was and I'll do it myself if I want to some day. She actually got mad that I wouldn't let her do it!

 

Oh and I already pointed out how I know there wasn't a physical affair going on and that the emotional affair is done (though I'm sure she still has feelings for the guy). I think it was in one of my posts that got deleted. She's never been away from the house that I didn't know where she was, she comes right home after work, when I'm not home she is with the kids. I've seen her phone text messages, even though she locked her phone (I guessed her code, I can read her mind I swear). The OM she was into was never into her, I've seen the evidence on her phone. I don't really need to go on defending why I believe/know there wasn't a physical affair - it's just something that is pretty obvious hasn't happened.

[LostHusband]

The holidays are over and the wife is back at work. She was home everyday and we spent a lot of time together for the past 10 days and things have gotten a lot better. It's like we are becoming very good friends, we get along like we did when we first started dating. She's started showing me affection, coming up to me when I am at the computer and putting her arms around me, she calls me "honey", she'll move in real close to me in bed, even though there is plenty of room on her side. Last night we just were laughing and kissing and were having a "hickey giving contest" (I lost). Its all been fun, not exactly tough love - but I'm enjoying it at least. She still continues to pack though, and still plans to move. Saw her today before she went to work and was sad when she left, cried a little bit. But the sadness doesn't really linger like it use to, it's been over 2 months now and I've gotten use to the idea of her moving out, though I haven't gotten use to the idea of losing her completely. I kind of made a New Year resolution to just get over her but maintain a friendship with her. Gonna be tough though, I'm sure I'll be really hurt once she finally moves, but I think I'll manage ok. I'm starting to enjoy the way the house is looking, with my stuff taking up the majority of the space while her stuff slowly disappears. I'm hopeful about meeting somebody new someday and bringing them to my humble abode.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation? Where you and the spouse are getting separated and all of a sudden your relationship seems to get better? I feel like all of this has brought us closer together than ever, but it seems like such a waste that its only because its going to be over between us.

[jesslindy]

She's buttering you up for a divorce. Don't think shes capable of that? If she is still planning on moving out, and you guys dont talk about anything REAL, than thats all she is doing. Being nice so you don't get angry at her. She knows she has nowhere to go. Thats it.

 

But I could say this crap all day long and I still can't do it in my personal life, even when I know its the truth. Easier said than done.

[jmargel]

Throw her freakin' ass out already. Honestly you acting like a pussy and rolling over/piddling on yourself when it comes to her is only hurting you. You not only need to SHOW confidence, but LIVE it. While you continue to be a blob of sadness, all it does is empower her.

 

Women look for confidence in a man, someone they can look upto. You are not showing this and more importantly this is really affecting your own self-worth. Stop trying to be her friend, stop tolerating her treatment towards you.

 

Are you really this content with her throwing you a bone every now and then? Just because you have a 'good' day with her somewhere in your mind you still will go along with her mistreatment of you? She will continue to abuse you every possible way as long as you tolerate it.

 

By you trying to be nice and to not cause confrontations, you are not gaining any points with her. She has zero respect for you and it's turning into a lack of respect for yourself.

 

Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Don't you think it's a time for change?

[LostHusband]

Actually I am living confident. She doesn't see a blob of sadness anymore. She sees me being fine with everything. In a way I am pretty fine. Its kind of two steps forward one step back type of thing. I'm looking forward to her leaving, but there's no hurry. I don't care too much anymore. Makes it easier with the kids while she's here at least.

[Gunny376]

Listen?

 

Marriage is kind of like being in Combat and being in a "Firefight"

 

If your the guy to my left or to my right ~ you're of no use to me if you all a sudden need "some space" or if your half-in or half out, or if all a sudden? You're "not feeling it" Damn that!

 

Granted! When you're up to your @zz in Indians, alligators, water mosciouns, and rattlesnakes ~ you tend to forget that your iniital objective when you started out? Was to drain the swamp!

 

Granted! You made some mistakes! Who doesn't! If I'd know thirty years ago what I know now? Warren Buffet and Bill Gates wouldn't have anything on me! They'd be shinning my shoes!

 

But I didn't, But I can honestly say? I did my best, I gave it my all! I gave the best that I had to give at the time!

 

Your wife doesn't respect you, she doesn't respect you as a husband, she doesn't respect you as an individual.

 

You've got to respect yourself ~ before you can expect someone to respect you!

 

R E S P E C T! Learn what it means to me!

 

You cannot make another respect you! This is true! But you can make damn sure they don't disrespect you!

 

I had to come to LS to find out about and re-define "Civility and Respect"

 

She wants out! Get out! Be gone!

 

At the end of the day? All it means is that you've got to get your Happy @ss busy finding yourself someone new that appreciates what you've got to offer! DAMN THE BAD LUCK!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Gunny is right,

 

You can only tolerate so much, You feel good right now but there is a thing called self respect.

[Gunny376]

Gunny is right,

 

You can only tolerate so much, You feel good right now but there is a thing called self respect.

 

Spartians know Spartians!

[Missy27]

The one thing that I've noticed throughout your postings is DENIAL ~~ YOUR denial about what's happening here ~~ I'm NOT talking about any deep rooted refusion you have to realising a physical affair ~ at this point in time ~ I agree with you ~ there's no real advantage to you trying to find out if wifey is physically involved or not ~~ the kind of denial I mean ~ is that you're letting her rule you ~~ she's sucking the life out of you bit by bit and she's enjoying it ~~ take it from me ~ I am a woman ~ I know what we can be like ~~

 

In my honest opinion ? ~~ she's playing games with you ~~ in fact she's playing quite a cruel game with you ~~ she's luring you closer at interims ~~ giving you hope ~~ injecting a bit of faith into you ~~ and then BANG ~~ She's drops you like sh~t off a shovel ~~ it's like the "dont buy any movies" thing at christmas ~~ the wanting to paint your place up to look more like a bachelor pad ~ then getting all narky when you dont let her ~~ games LH ~~ games ~

 

You need to take back some control here ~ jump into the drivers seat of your own life ~ you do have a life yourself remember ~ ?? ~ it seems to me that the most positive responses you've had from your wife have been when you've pulled back and gone cold on her ~ ~ it's time to take that to a different level ~

 

Women like strong men ~ simple as that ~ we like men who can take the lead and whom we know are not going to be a pushover ~ I dont mean we want some womanizing, gambling, beer drinking, loud mouthed slob ~ but we want a man who's mentally available to challenge us from time to time ~ someone who we can lock horns with and be beaten by ~ someone to knock us off our pedastools occassionally ~ but someone who's ultimately watching our backs and able to take care of us aswell ~ someone we KNOW will be as loyal as the day is long ~ and that we can trust with our lives ~ ~ we want an alphamale ~~

 

You need to grow some balls and show your wife what she's going to be missing if she leaves you ~ ~ and that means injecting some REAL tough love ~ I think this is the only way you're going to have a chance of salvaging your marriage ~~

 

If you can ~~ get her moved out as quickly as possible ~~ give her a week to pack her stuff up and find herself a place and tell her that at the end of the day ~ you love her and you dont want a divorce ~ you're willing to do anything humanly possible to save your marriage ~ but your NOT willing to be treated so disrespectfully ~ where she goes is up to her ~ but she needs to figure out what she wants because you're not playing this game with her anymore ~~ she wants space ~ she's got it but the kids stay with you for the most part ~~ she's welcome to see them ~~ but you pre-arrage days and times before she goes and there's no deviation from those arrangements unless of some dyer emergency ~~ then go non contact on her for at least a month ~ no phonecalls ~ texts ~ emails ~ letters ~ nothing ~ let her go and miss you for a while ~ give her the gift of missing you ~~

 

I might be wrong in my approach ~~ but I think wifey needs to wake up and smell the coffee ~ she's had you do everything for her for god knows how long ~ let her go and see what life without you is like ~ it might be that she still wants to divorce you after you've shot a bit of reality into her ~ but at least you're going to get a forgone conclusion out of it rather than spending the next x many months in denial and limbo.

 

It's a hard thing to do ~ and it will hurt like hell to begin with ~ but use the time apart from her to figure out what YOU ~ LH ~ WANTS ~ give yourself the opportunity to work out what you want out of life ~ where you want to go and what you want to do ~ think of your NC period as a golden opportunity to reflect on your own life ~ because thats what it is ~ a golden opportunity that not everybody gets the chance to explore.

[Gunny376]

The one thing that I've noticed throughout your postings is DENIAL ~~ YOUR denial about what's happening here ~~ I'm NOT talking about any deep rooted refusion you have to realising a physical affair ~ at this point in time ~ I agree with you ~ there's no real advantage to you trying to find out if wifey is physically involved or not ~~ the kind of denial I mean ~ is that you're letting her rule you ~~ she's sucking the life out of you bit by bit and she's enjoying it ~~ take it from me ~ I am a woman ~ I know what we can be like ~~

 

In my honest opinion ? ~~ she's playing games with you ~~ in fact she's playing quite a cruel game with you ~~ she's luring you closer at interims ~~ giving you hope ~~ injecting a bit of faith into you ~~ and then BANG ~~ She's drops you like sh~t off a shovel ~~ it's like the "dont buy any movies" thing at christmas ~~ the wanting to paint your place up to look more like a bachelor pad ~ then getting all narky when you dont let her ~~ games LH ~~ games ~

 

You need to take back some control here ~ jump into the drivers seat of your own life ~ you do have a life yourself remember ~ ?? ~ it seems to me that the most positive responses you've had from your wife have been when you've pulled back and gone cold on her ~ ~ it's time to take that to a different level ~

 

Women like strong men ~ simple as that ~ we like men who can take the lead and whom we know are not going to be a pushover ~ I dont mean we want some womanizing, gambling, beer drinking, loud mouthed slob ~ but we want a man who's mentally available to challenge us from time to time ~ someone who we can lock horns with and be beaten by ~ someone to knock us off our pedastools occassionally ~ but someone who's ultimately watching our backs and able to take care of us aswell ~ someone we KNOW will be as loyal as the day is long ~ and that we can trust with our lives ~ ~ we want an alphamale ~~

 

You need to grow some balls and show your wife what she's going to be missing if she leaves you ~ ~ and that means injecting some REAL tough love ~ I think this is the only way you're going to have a chance of salvaging your marriage ~~

 

If you can ~~ get her moved out as quickly as possible ~~ give her a week to pack her stuff up and find herself a place and tell her that at the end of the day ~ you love her and you dont want a divorce ~ you're willing to do anything humanly possible to save your marriage ~ but your NOT willing to be treated so disrespectfully ~ where she goes is up to her ~ but she needs to figure out what she wants because you're not playing this game with her anymore ~~ she wants space ~ she's got it but the kids stay with you for the most part ~~ she's welcome to see them ~~ but you pre-arrage days and times before she goes and there's no deviation from those arrangements unless of some dyer emergency ~~ then go non contact on her for at least a month ~ no phonecalls ~ texts ~ emails ~ letters ~ nothing ~ let her go and miss you for a while ~ give her the gift of missing you ~~

 

I might be wrong in my approach ~~ but I think wifey needs to wake up and smell the coffee ~ she's had you do everything for her for god knows how long ~ let her go and see what life without you is like ~ it might be that she still wants to divorce you after you've shot a bit of reality into her ~ but at least you're going to get a forgone conclusion out of it rather than spending the next x many months in denial and limbo.

 

It's a hard thing to do ~ and it will hurt like hell to begin with ~ but use the time apart from her to figure out what YOU ~ LH ~ WANTS ~ give yourself the opportunity to work out what you want out of life ~ where you want to go and what you want to do ~ think of your NC period as a golden opportunity to reflect on your own life ~ because thats what it is ~ a golden opportunity that not everybody gets the chance to explore.

 

 

Opppppsss! There it is!!! Couldn't have put it better myself!

 

If you weren't already married Missy ~ I'd marry you! We'd at least have some fun arguing!

[Gentleknight]

I know exactly what you are going through though am a bit further along than you. I was married for 14 years with 2 kids and the wife said she didn't love me anymore. She was having an emotional affair with a co-worker which eventually led to a physical affair. For me, the emotional affair was far worse as she had given her heart to someone else which was a lot more painful for me. Well, i am divorced now and its still hard. Reading your posts reminded me of myself and what I went through. Before she moved out, it was like a rollercoaster with lots of ups and downs.

 

You need to stop being affectionate to her (and for god sakes don't share a bed with her anymore). And as hard as it is, you can't worry about how she will manage on her own. She will manage just fine and is already planning on how to do it.

 

I know you hope things will work out (and maybe they will) but you need her out of the house as soon as possible and you shouldn't wait until April as this rollercoaster ride is just so destructive.

 

You need to sit down and take an assessment of what you want for yourself. It still sounds like you want her back and I totally understand that. Here's a piece of info that took me a long time to realize, one person can't save a relationship no matter how hard you try - it always takes two and she has firmly stated that she is not interested in saving the realtionship. So why then are you still in a relationship with her, sharing a house and bed with her. Yes I understand that the kids are a major consideration, but if you are going to be a good father, you need to do the right thing for your mental health and get her out of the house.

 

This was her decision and now she must understand the consequences of that decision. I don't know you or your wife but please believe me when I tell you that you can't underestimate the deceptions and lies that she is now capable of. Sometimes its easier to see things from an outside perspective and she is using you and will drop you in an instant once she finds her Mr. Right - which she is clearly looking for. whether or not she has actually slept with someone else is irrelevant at this point - she doesn't love you anymore and therefore has broken her marital vows - you need to move on and what happens from there is anyone's guess.

 

Tell her you need her to move out now. Tell her you love her and wanted to work things out but she has repeatedly told you that she is not interested in doing so. So in the best interest of your mental state and in moving on, she needs to move out now - be gracious and respectful but don't cave. You also need to get a lawyer now to understand your rights as it relates to propoerty and the kids - hopefully you can go through mediation but you need a lawyer NOW.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but you seem as lost as I was (am still am at times) and speaking from experience you can no longer live in this environment which equates to mental cruelty.

[Gunny376]

Most Excellent post ~ GK! Outstanding, in fact!

[LostHusband]

Gotcha! Everyone is right - I'm going to have to get the ball rolling! Tomorrow is my birthday and tonight I am going out with friends to just hang out, go to a bar, whatever. I'm just going to stay away from her for awhile, then the moving is going to have to start - VERY SOON! I need some freedom from this crap, I need to feel happy on my own - I know I will because I usually am most happy when I am alone, had my own place and lived by myself with no relationships for 7 years and was perfectly content. Its hard to just let go of someone after being with them so long, but its better than trying to keep hanging on. Thanks everyone - at least I know what must be done, even though it's going to be a big challenge for me to do it...

[LostHusband]

I forgot to add, I looked at her phone again and her last text to the guy she has been obsessed with said something like "Why won't you talk to me anymore? I see you talking to other people all the time why not me? It's like you are wanting revenge against me. I thought we were friends but friends don't do that to each other - talk to me!"

 

That made me feel pretty good. Sounds like now would be a good time to get her out, since her other relationship obviously has blown up in her face. I just got done taking down the rest of the wedding pictures and other wedding stuff and stuffed them into one of her boxes. I put up a nice cloth picture that was hiding behind my computer in the empty space. The house is starting to look a bit like my old apartment I lived in when I was single.

[stbx2007]

You need to put some logistics into this NOW. Take inventory of what you want to take and whats hers. Call the movers and move the stuff out to storage. Since money for housing is tight you may have to share a place with another guy and she'll have to share a place too. Lots of people are sharing housing. You cannot continue to sleep in the same bed or house with her.

This is ridiculous, immature and immoral behavior on her part. You need to go to divorce care classes (check the churches in your area) and some kind of support group for men. Your self-esteem is shaken because she made the first move to find more in a relationship. You said yourself that you didn't think you loved her. Do you only want her now because someone else might?

Since you have children it might be best if you can get help from your family when it comes to taking care of them until you have the living arrangements settled. Go see a lawyer. I am a woman and I think your wife needs to figure her new affair out in her new home. Next time make sure you're not just settling. Stay away from her Myspace and text messages and everything else. Move on. Good luck.

Edited January 6, 2008 by stbx2007
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[LostHusband]

I debated posting this because I am really getting tired of being told I'm being a pussy and need to grow some balls. Honestly - it's not like I'm balled up in a corner crying every day. The constant berating of my character gets old after awhile!

 

So raise your hand if you thought I would go through with throwing my wife out! Yeah she's still here - but I don't really care anymore. I'm a pretty well adjusted and happy go lucky kind of guy, and while I had some bad depression and crying fits over the last 2 months, I've been doing great in comparison for the last week or two. I don't really see the urgency in getting her out - not like she has anyplace to go anyway. I don't even hardly see her throughout the week. We have opposite work schedules, so I get up and go to work while she is asleep, then she goes to work while I am still at work, and she doesn't come home until after I go to bed. The weekends are fine too, we just talk and hang out and its not even hard to be around her. Weird eh? So I guess since things aren't getting progressively worse, there's no need to rush her out the door. If I was feeling terrible all the time I would be really wanting her out, but I don't - I've been watching movies, playing on the computer, reading magazines, etc. and ENJOYING stuff again. I couldn't even do that kind of stuff two months ago. I don't think I am in denial either anymore - I'm starting to like the idea of having the place to myself. My favorite spot in the house is the one where all her stuff is gone and my stuff is in its place. I still love my wife but I'm not overly obsessed with being in love with her and always wanting to be close to her like I was before. Sure I'll be sad when she finally does leave - but spring is a great time for me, I love the changing weather and it will be a good time for a big change in my life.

 

And there you have it - I thought I would see if I started feeling really bad again off and on before I posted again, but I'm not. The moment things do start to get bad then I guess its time to start packing her stuff, but I think it would just make things awkward right now. I'll let everyone know how things go - this is kind of a crazy experiment - how long can I live with a wife who is ready to leave?

[LostHusband]

I have been reading and posting a lot on other peoples threads so I thought I would update mine. While I really was feeling great the last time I posted, that has pretty much faded, as I knew it would. It was a very nice feeling though and I hope to get that feeling back. Here's some new things - me and the wife are still the same as we were - on really good terms most of the time, I really do enjoy being around her and being close to her. I know it's wrong and I am up for a big fall, and the big fall has already started. Before I was happy whenever, whether she was around or not, now its like I'm ONLY happy when she is around and we are friendly with each other. Two weeks ago I had had enough of her and asked her if she would pack up and leave that weekend. She seemed like she was going to go along with it - but never did, and I was glad, because deep down I DON"T WANT her to go! What a horrible feeling, wanting her out one minute and then hoping she will stay. It did get things started though, we have found some places she can go and the prices she will have to pay for rent, its an ongoing process but it IS going on and we both know the day will come soon when she will have to leave.

 

But it could be a little longer since her car broke down and the engine is blown and we had to sell it to a scrapyard. So now we only have one vehicle between the two of us - and we have to share it so she can pick up the kids and get to work. She has to now get herself a new car - that's going to be a further financial burden - but she's trying to figure out a budget.

 

More stuff has happened to make me feel bad, she stopped talking to one guy, the one she was so crazy about, and now has a new guy from work she is texting. WTF? It's like she just moves from guy to guy until she finds the right one. I confronted her about this new guy but that didn't go anywhere, just to more fighting and not getting along about things so I just let it go, she can stay up all night texting him - whatever. I don't know what they talk about since her phone is now locked and the password is changed, which is good.

 

Ok now on to some big stuff - yesterday I was upstairs smoking in the dressing room sitting at her makeup desk. I was just sitting there and I saw a notebook in her drawer. It was a journal she had been keeping - great, wtf do I do now? Read it I guess, I was still so in the dark and I had to know what was going on in her head. Not much there I didn't already know - she started writing it in September and it said how crappy her life was and how her marriage sucks and she wants out. She went on and on about all the bad things about me and then she went on and on about all the great things about this guy at work and how much she liked him and wanted to be with him. Well I already knew all that stuff, and this was all dated back in October when it was going on. One of the shocking things was one night they were driving around after drinking at the bar and she kissed and hugged him. Then he got careless driving and went into a ditch. He told her after that that they couldn't be together because he didn't want to lose his family and his house. So she kissed him - that sucks. I kind of wondered that anyway, its physical cheating but they never did have sex so at least thats something. Now I have something I can bring up if I need to - I really don't want to confront her about that right now though. I probably should say something about it though shouldn't I? Someday anyway? I really don't know what to do with the info I found out, why the hell did she leave that stupid journal sitting there??

 

*sigh* Well there's my update. If anyone has some supporting words to say I would welcome it, but I already know the NEED to get her out NOW - I'm working on it. I can't wait for this to all be over with!

[sunshinegirl]

OP, I've read your whole thread. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I have to agree with some of the others, though: it is a bad, bad, bad idea for you to be living with her. You are almost jocular when you say "gosh I know I'm headed for a fall" but I think you're in real denial over how bad that fall is going to be.

 

But here is the thing that has stood out to me the most in this thread: which is the total absence of thinking or trying to understand WHY your wife became unhappy or fell out of love with you (and possibly into the arms of this guy at work through her EA).

 

I mean, people here have been great about supporting you and offering you advice for dealing with your horrible awful wife.

 

Now please hear this carefully: I am not defending your wife. She is being incredibly selfish right now, totally using you emotionally and then pushing you away when you stand up for yourself. Despicable, really.

 

AND...SHE also has a story, an arc, of stuff that happened in your marriage that led to her falling out of love wtih you, becoming unhappy, etc.

 

And I'm totally baffled why nobody on this thread has been grilling you about THAT. Because here is how your thread started:

 

"Hi. My wife, after X years of marriage, has decided she's unhappy and wants to leave me."

 

"OMG, I can't live without her, I'm smothering her with affection because I need her, she can't leave me, etc." In other words, your reaction appears to have been totally and completely about YOU. Not her or her unhappiness, or the reasons for her unhappiness, or trying to address her unhappiness. Did you at any point stop to think or care or wonder what things you *may* have done to contribute to her changed feelings?

 

I am NOT blaming you. But I find it a curious absence from this thread, when normally the people who post on these kinds of threads go to a lot of effort to explore the root issues and offer strategies for addressing the root problem.

 

I think maybe jmargel posted something to this effect - something about the roots being her attitude, the leaves being the EA. I would define the roots differently: I think her attitude might be a LEAF, where the roots are their relationship, the way they interact together, possibly an empty love bank on her side, different love languages, etc.

 

It's kind of late, I'm not sure I'm making sense, maybe I missed something along the way. If so, I'm sorry. Not trying to be presumptuous. But I also thought the OP wanted to try to save his marriage. I know the wife has resisted it... but at one point it occurred to me that maybe she has resisted it because she hasn't seen the OP make any effort to truly understand her. It seems he just smothers her with physical affection. If I were her and didn't feel understood by my husband, I would be really annoyed if he tried to be physical with me, and got clingy, etc. I would interpret it as selfish and it might drive me even further toward divorce.

 

OP, whatever else you may do, please take care of yourself. I agree with the others that you really should kick her out of the house at this point. You are not respecting yourself at all and she is completely taking advantage of you.