Let's be honest

[reboot]

Never said anyone should offer hope, although I feel that we all want to "hope" for the best. My statements were made simply to warn him of the hazards of posting one's most vulnerable feelings on a public forum. Especially during a time when he's clearly in so much pain.

 

I've been where he is now and posted during that time and was torn apart by people not as caring as yourself. Which makes for even more hurt and self doubt than a person is already feeling. Just wanted to let him know that not all posters are as "helpful" as they appear to be. Those of us who have been here for a while know all about Trolls. I've been the victim of them myself in the past. Our friend here seems to be in a very vulnerable state and since he's new he might not be aware of the "sheep in wolfs clothing".

 

A2L

Well, not to argue or anything, but if he's adult enough to be screwing someone else's wife, he's adult enough to have to face the consequences of those actions.

 

And if he's adult enough to get on an internet forum and ask for advice, he's adult enough to pick and choose what advice he wants to listen to.

 

Candy coating everything for people is usually not all that helpful.

 

I really don't mean that to sound as ugly as it probably does, but it's just the truth.

[addicted2love]

A2L, not all the advice given is going to go that way and honestly, he's a grown up and can decide on his own what advice he may take into consideration and what advice he can ignore.

 

This man is in PAIN and is suffering, so holding his hand and telling him, yes, wait another 3.5 years for your MW to divorce isn't going to help him!

 

He's been given some harsh advice, but most of it has been good advice.

 

WWIU..It is because this man is in such pain that I wanted to warn him of the "friendly advice" that is given here. While I've never had anything but honesty and careing advice from you personally, not all other posters are as genuine.

 

When I was where he is now (hurting, vulnerable) I sought advice here and many were kind and genuine, I also found that my situation and emotions were riduculed, used for entertainment value on other sites and was blindsided by people I thought were kind and caring. When you are new it is hard to weed out the truth from the bullsh*t. When I was new I had no idea what a "troll" was, that is until I became one of thier victims.

 

Here lately I see a lot of trolls on the board. I expect it, it's going to happen but I'd rather not see stampdaddy or any other new person who is hurting be victimized or ridiculed the way I was.

 

I agree with you that this poster is an adult and can choose which advice to listen to or not. By the way your advice to me has been very helpful in the past and I thank you for that.

 

A2L

[stampdaddy]

If you'll read though enough threads here, you'll see that your situation is pretty much textbook. I spent months reading threads here before I ever posted, and the biggest thing I learned was, my situation was not only not very special, but was in fact quite common and predictable.

 

As is yours most likely.

 

I try not to come across like mine is the most special, and that most people wouldnt understand, but we are all adults here, and we ALL know only how WE feel.. I am scared to death that it is "textbook", when it has felt so different than most (I guess, at least anything I have EVER known or felt). The thing is, I HAVE read many posts, over the last 6 or so months, and what is also textbook, is how many BS men continue to stay, or try to stay, ubtil they just can't take it anymore.. And the "advice" that most give is to end the M, start a "new relationship" with the ex because of the children and start to heal.. I see so many men just dying inside when the M is over, and in alot of cases (including mine) was "over" before I showed up.. He is tracking her phone, GPS, tracking her calls, triggers at any moment, hasnt gotten all of the truth, YET, but knows way more than enough, has visuals, has heard my voice as we have talked 4-5 times on the phone, has seen many pictures of me, of me and my children, knows of a couple trips that we have taken, knows where I live, has seen my house, knows my name, hasnt had sex with her in almost 3 years and knows that we have, knows that she loves me, has read letters and cards, has a copy of "Should I Stay or Go" laying around with her saying "I am in a LOVELESS MARRIAGE, and I see NO future with my husband", etc, etc, etc..... He knows what I mean to her, what I do for her, and what he doesnt.. SO, I guess I just don't get the point..

[reboot]

SO, I guess I just don't get the point..

Obviously you don't get the point. That's what a bunch of people are trying to get across to you. The point is:

 

She is still with him.

 

And as long as both of you continue to let her be a cake eater, she probably will be.

[outoftheditch]

Well, not to argue or anything, but if he's adult enough to be screwing someone else's wife, he's adult enough to have to face the consequences of those actions.

 

And if he's adult enough to get on an internet forum and ask for advice, he's adult enough to pick and choose what advice he wants to listen to.

 

Candy coating everything for people is usually not all that helpful.

 

I really don't mean that to sound as ugly as it probably does, but it's just the truth.

 

I share that sentiment. You play with fire, you sometimes get burned. Not to sound insensitive but he has to realize the line has been crossed and he needs to step back and let this MW make a choice without him playing an active role. Isn't it inherently dangerous to continually mess with this marriage particularly when children are involved? How much more can this husband of hers take. Its understandable how people get involved like this, many of us have, but despicable to continue it and actively work to break up the family. Not to mention, pathetic.

[OWoman]

I admit there are exceptions but I do think this is the case with most OW. I do think that OW are sluts or any of that but I do think most of them have issues that cause them to seek out these type of relationships that go nowhere. I think they are very similiar to drug addicts and alchoholics and their addiction to an unhealthy situation.

 

They don't all go nowhere, and many OW get involved precisely because of the hope that they will go somewhere.

[stampdaddy]

SD, I can see where your wanting some help and some ways to cope. However, the biggest issue, in my mind, is that you are continuing to pursue this married woman. In light of the fact that you have been busted, you've been asked to stay away, you jeapordize her children (and for that matter, your own as well). Why would you do that??Why put your feelings ahead of all of that? Why risk other peoples lives and happiness to continually try to break up a marriage?

 

Now, if your looking to get advice on how to cope once you have exited the picture and are not interfering with this family anymore, then thats another story. Your wanting all of us to tell you the future. Your asking us to tell you "all will work out if you do the right thing" Fact is, sometimes things dont work out when you do the right thing, but aql least you can have peace in knowing that you DID do the right thing.

 

I AM staying away now... It's hard, but I am.. Thanks

[serial muse]

I try not to come across like mine is the most special, and that most people wouldnt understand, but we are all adults here, and we ALL know only how WE feel.. I am scared to death that it is "textbook", when it has felt so different than most (I guess, at least anything I have EVER known or felt). The thing is, I HAVE read many posts, over the last 6 or so months, and what is also textbook, is how many BS men continue to stay, or try to stay, ubtil they just can't take it anymore.. And the "advice" that most give is to end the M, start a "new relationship" with the ex because of the children and start to heal.. I see so many men just dying inside when the M is over, and in alot of cases (including mine) was "over" before I showed up.. He is tracking her phone, GPS, tracking her calls, triggers at any moment, hasnt gotten all of the truth, YET, but knows way more than enough, has visuals, has heard my voice as we have talked 4-5 times on the phone, has seen many pictures of me, of me and my children, knows of a couple trips that we have taken, knows where I live, has seen my house, knows my name, hasnt had sex with her in almost 3 years and knows that we have, knows that she loves me, has read letters and cards, has a copy of "Should I Stay or Go" laying around with her saying "I am in a LOVELESS MARRIAGE, and I see NO future with my husband", etc, etc, etc..... He knows what I mean to her, what I do for her, and what he doesnt.. SO, I guess I just don't get the point..

 

 

The thing is, stamp, you're also at a classic stage of an affair - the point where you have so much frustration that your MW isn't making up her mind, but still have hope and don't want to be angry with her, want to be understanding and supportive - so instead, you turn that frustration on her husband, and wonder why he won't make up his mind already.

 

There have been numerous threads on these boards about why the BS can't see the writing on the wall, why s/he would put up with this, how can I prod things forward, how can I get the BS to make a decision, since my MP won't. If you do a search, you'll find a bunch of them. It's a very common thing to do, focusing on the BS.

 

It's understandable that you feel so much frustration after 3 and a half years of waiting. But he simply is not the issue. Who cares why he stays? One of the most common reasons is that she's very likely not telling him everything you think she is. So he may still have hope. Or he may just be stubborn. Or he may feel trapped. Who knows? Does it matter?

 

No. It doesn't. What matters is why she won't leave. As much as you don't want to think about it, and it's more satisfying to be annoyed at him, you need to remember that this is a decision she's making. Not leaving is a decision. Why she's still making that choice is the only question that really matters here, stamp.

[reboot]

They don't all go nowhere, and many OW get involved precisely because of the hope that they will go somewhere.

See, here's the thing to me. If you're in one of those situations, and it's working for you, fine, so be it. I will never agree that it's right, but I'm not going to look down my nose at you about it. It's when people get on here and say things like,

 

"I've been with my MM/MW for 27 years and he/she keeps telling me they are going to leave and be with me, but I'm starting to not believe them, what should I do??"

 

Well, DUHHHHH. *slap*slap*slap*

 

I mean, do you need a f'n house to fall on you?

 

*shrug*

[stampdaddy]

The thing is, stamp, you're also at a classic stage of an affair - the point where you have so much frustration that your MW isn't making up her mind, but still have hope and don't want to be angry with her, want to be understanding and supportive - so instead, you turn that frustration on her husband, and wonder why he won't make up his mind already.

 

There have been numerous threads on these boards about why the BS can't see the writing on the wall, why s/he would put up with this, how can I prod things forward, how can I get the BS to make a decision, since my MP won't. If you do a search, you'll find a bunch of them. It's a very common thing to do, focusing on the BS.

 

It's understandable that you feel so much frustration after 3 and a half years of waiting. But he simply is not the issue. Who cares why he stays? One of the most common reasons is that she's very likely not telling him everything you think she is. So he may still have hope. Or he may just be stubborn. Or he may feel trapped. Who knows? Does it matter?

 

No. It doesn't. What matters is why she won't leave. As much as you don't want to think about it, and it's more satisfying to be annoyed at him, you need to remember that this is a decision she's making. Not leaving is a decision. Why she's still making that choice is the only question that really matters here, stamp.

 

Very true, and I WON'T force the issue, I will just hope she figures something out.. These 4 days, of NC, have been horrible.. I work from home, and am STILL looking out of my window everytime I hear a car drive by, hoping/not hoping she'll pull in... At night, so many times I "think" I hear my door open, with her standing there in tears.. I am a freaking mess!!!!

[stillafool]

I agree with Woggle to a point. Don't forget the "competition factor" in these relationships as well. Women can be so competitive when it comes to men. It's like - Who is pretty enough to make the bad boy fall in love with them?

[whichwayisup]

Stamped, consider talking to a therapist if you feel things are too much to handle right now. Maybe be put on meds just to even yourself out...The pain and withdrawal you feel from her is only going to get worse before it gets better so don't isolate yourself, and please don't go diving into the booze as that will not help!! *Not saying you'll do that though...*

[Mustang Sally]

Woggle's original statement may have some validity for some situations.

 

I'm not sure that the, uh, motives of the other man/woman are so simply defined by gender alone (OM vs OW) as he implies, however.

 

I also think, that for some Others (be they man OR woman), there is an element of conquest in it. i.e. Can they cause an attached person to cross the line, for the sake of being with them (the Other)?

 

And certainly, there are likely many, many other reasons that Others get involved with married people.

[stampdaddy]

Stamped, consider talking to a therapist if you feel things are too much to handle right now. Maybe be put on meds just to even yourself out...The pain and withdrawal you feel from her is only going to get worse before it gets better so don't isolate yourself, and please don't go diving into the booze as that will not help!! *Not saying you'll do that though...*

 

Thanks.. Will say, my wine rack has a few less bottles in it lately.... Will watch it though..

[underpants]

Interesting,

 

Maybe all these situations boil down to:

 

Competition, Conquest and Escape.

 

Regardless, it is a bad road. I feel sorry for those who travel down the path of deception.

[stampdaddy]

Woggle's original statement may have some validity for some situations.

 

I'm not sure that the, uh, motives of the other man/woman are so simply defined by gender alone (OM vs OW) as he implies, however.

 

I also think, that for some Others (be they man OR woman), there is an element of conquest in it. i.e. Can they cause an attached person to cross the line, for the sake of being with them (the Other)?

 

And certainly, there are likely many, many other reasons that Others get involved with married people.

 

I simply "came home" from being gone for 2 years in Florida for a job, and 4 days later, I met the most Beautiful girl in the world.. SHE called me 2 days later and now here I am.. Totally and completely in love with her and feeling like "how in the world could this end"??

[stillafool]

I try not to come across like mine is the most special, and that most people wouldnt understand, but we are all adults here, and we ALL know only how WE feel.. I am scared to death that it is "textbook", when it has felt so different than most (I guess, at least anything I have EVER known or felt). The thing is, I HAVE read many posts, over the last 6 or so months, and what is also textbook, is how many BS men continue to stay, or try to stay, ubtil they just can't take it anymore.. And the "advice" that most give is to end the M, start a "new relationship" with the ex because of the children and start to heal.. I see so many men just dying inside when the M is over, and in alot of cases (including mine) was "over" before I showed up.. He is tracking her phone, GPS, tracking her calls, triggers at any moment, hasnt gotten all of the truth, YET, but knows way more than enough, has visuals, has heard my voice as we have talked 4-5 times on the phone, has seen many pictures of me, of me and my children, knows of a couple trips that we have taken, knows where I live, has seen my house, knows my name, hasnt had sex with her in almost 3 years and knows that we have, knows that she loves me, has read letters and cards, has a copy of "Should I Stay or Go" laying around with her saying "I am in a LOVELESS MARRIAGE, and I see NO future with my husband", etc, etc, etc..... He knows what I mean to her, what I do for her, and what he doesnt.. SO, I guess I just don't get the point..

 

 

My goodness he knows a lot about you. I haven't read all your posts regarding this relationship but I want to warn you to be careful. It sounds like this woman has your emotions in a ringer over your affair so you can imagine what he (her H) is going through. There is always a breaking point and you don't want to end up at the coroners. OW have to worry also about the W causing physical injuries but I think OM are in greater danger from the H.

 

Is she worth all of this? What is so great about her?

[Mustang Sally]

Maybe all these situations boil down to:

 

Competition, Conquest and Escape.

Hmmm.

Definitely something to mull over, wouldn't you say, Unders?

[whichwayisup]

Stamp, don't you see that part of the reason why her H is acting like this is HER OWN DOING? She is making him crazy! That is unfair and cruel of her to do to him. I mean, she owes him the truth! Any BS (betrayed spouse) just wants the TRUTH from their cheating spouse, even if it hurts. Lying and hiding, or giving out 'partial' truths only make the situation itself worse. He is probably doing and saying things he never thought he'd be doing now, but she has pushed him into that situation by cheating on him. Just look at it from his point of view...OR imagine you are married to the MW and she is cheating on you, lying to you, betraying you..

[stampdaddy]

My goodness he knows a lot about you. I haven't read all your posts regarding this relationship but I want to warn you to be careful. It sounds like this woman has your emotions in a ringer over your affair so you can imagine what he (her H) is going through. There is always a breaking point and you don't want to end up at the coroners. OW have to worry also about the W causing physical injuries but I think OM are in greater danger from the H.

 

Is she worth all of this? What is so great about her?

 

I know anybody could snap.. One of the reasons I am not pushing.. Of course I am not going to sit here and say "Oh, YES, she's worth dying for..."

What is so great about her?? (let me start by saying I'm not a wuss that isnt attractive and can't meet the chicks.. hee hee) She loves me, she is my best friend, she knows me more than anyone else EVER has, and I was married before.. She is my golf buddy, NOT my F*** buddy, she has brought things out of me I didnt know existed, I LOVE LOVING HER! She gets a "chalkboard" from me EVERYDAY (a nice poem, thought, quote, something to let her know that I am loving her), I love being loved by her, the way she looks at me, touches me, thinks about me, I could go on, but don't want to make anybody vomit... j/k

[Cinabon]

i havent read through the whole posts but as for the OP. I am not scared to be in a relationship and view MM as a safe thing. I was in a relationship prior to being involved with my BF. I left that relationship to be in this one.

[OWoman]

See, here's the thing to me. If you're in one of those situations, and it's working for you, fine, so be it. I will never agree that it's right, but I'm not going to look down my nose at you about it. It's when people get on here and say things like,

 

"I've been with my MM/MW for 27 years and he/she keeps telling me they are going to leave and be with me, but I'm starting to not believe them, what should I do??"

 

Well, DUHHHHH. *slap*slap*slap*

 

I mean, do you need a f'n house to fall on you?

 

*shrug*

 

Thanks reboot! That was a whole bottle of water went out through my nose there! my monitor is dripping!

[whichwayisup]

she has brought things out of me I didnt know existed, I LOVE LOVING HER! She gets a "chalkboard" from me EVERYDAY (a nice poem, thought, quote, something to let her know that I am loving her), I love being loved by her, the way she looks at me, touches me, thinks about me, I could go on, but don't want to make anybody vomit...

Yes and you did a great job pumping up her ego along the way...Not saying she doesn't deserve those nice things you've done for her, it's just this is what her husband should be doing for her, not you! I can see now why she's having a struggle of letting go of you and trying to work things out at home with her husband...

[stampdaddy]

Stamp, don't you see that part of the reason why her H is acting like this is HER OWN DOING? She is making him crazy! That is unfair and cruel of her to do to him. I mean, she owes him the truth! Any BS (betrayed spouse) just wants the TRUTH from their cheating spouse, even if it hurts. Lying and hiding, or giving out 'partial' truths only make the situation itself worse. He is probably doing and saying things he never thought he'd be doing now, but she has pushed him into that situation by cheating on him. Just look at it from his point of view...OR imagine you are married to the MW and she is cheating on you, lying to you, betraying you..

 

WW I hear you, loud and clear. I HATE what she has done to him.. The half truths. HE even told ME that he hates getting he truth from ME, when he should be getting it from HER.. I have pushed and pushed her to do the right thing, believe me. The truth is like water, it WILL find it's way through the cracks.. It WILL come out. Now, the question is, how much of the truth does he "really" need to know?? He knows alot...

[whichwayisup]

Now, the question is, how much of the truth does he "really" need to know?? He knows alot...

 

That is up to him. Once he feels like he's had enough truth from his wife, then and only then will he decide to either forgive her, or maybe throw her out. She is feeding him lines of crap, just like she's been doing to you. It just plain sucks and I don't get why you are not angry or feeling any kind of resentment towards her.