Are women better communicators? - The Silent Treatment

[Yernasia Quorelios]

The general view is that women are better communicators and better at handling emotions. However we all know about the silent treatment. It's like, when women get emotionally upset, they are saying "we are better communicators than you men and the best way to communicate with you is by not communicating with you" .......what is that?

 

In my experience and those of the people that I know of, during a separation a woman will employ the silent treatment whereas a guy will want to talk things through to try and fix things. I have yet to meet a guy who will cross the road or hide to avoid talking to an ex but I've met plenty of gals who do exactly that. (NC is a whole other can of worms dealt with extensively elsewhere on LS).

 

This is here in Second Chances because I believe this female peculiarity for employing the silent treatment makes second chances and reconciliation nigh on impossible to achieve....talk to us girls .

[norajane]

I think it's typically the person who does not want the relationship to end who wants to do the talking, male or female. The one who is done with it, is the one who typically wants no further communication.

[curiousnycgirl]

There is a difference between the silent treatment and no contact. I use the silent treatment when I am too emotional and know I might say something that I don't mean, or I will cry. It never lasts more than a few hours, or worst case overnight.

 

If I were to cut off all communication completely, then I would be initiating or enforcing a break up.

 

Does that make sense?

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Yup, that makes perfect sense.

 

I and most guys I know view the silent treatment within a relationship as a perfectly acceptable way of partners communicating how they feel. Whether, like you, they just want time to cool/calm down or they want to it be known just how extremely upset they are .

[brothermartin]

I don't think women are better communicators. I think if they were, they would have found a way by now to tell us men exactly what they want us to know, and be able to do it in a way that even us thick-headed neanderthals could understand. But there's the rub. What do they want us to know and what do they want us to understand?

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I think it's typically the person who does not want the relationship to end who wants to do the talking, male or female. The one who is done with it, is the one who typically wants no further communication.

Couldn't agree you more NJ. Nonetheless I would say that this would be down to NC/LC rather then the silent treatment.

 

While the person who's ended the relationship would rather not communicate, I would think that they would at least offer up a civil greeting before rushing off as opposed to crossing the road or hiding. Unless of course there a complications such as those of the psycho kind .

[sandra]

I used to give my ex the silent treatment, to get what i want. Basically, you give him the silent treatment, he appologizes, maybe recognizes his faults and make you promises that he won't do what he did ever again. I know its weird, (crazy, if you will). But sometimes I get so angry that the only way to make him know that he @@### up is by giving him the silent treatment. Somehow it worked for me. But, it made me feel horrible, when he would take his time to "talk about it".

So, I'm sure she wants to talk, she wants your attention. Generally, with women its usually my way or the high way ( some will disagree, but deep down it really is).

[lindya]

Silence is something I'll employ when someone's taking issue with everything I say and I'm feeling too tired, distracted or emotional to deal with it. As someone else said, sometimes you just get too angry or emotional to trust yourself to speak. I think a lot of women feel that their own anger, if expressed verbally as a childish outburst, will be a terribly destructive thing to a relationship. Sometimes they're right in thinking that.

 

I think that anyone who's had to deal, whether professionally, personally or both, with aggressive people will tend to find that silence can be a good (albeit temporary) damage limitation exercise. Use the silence to collect their thoughts, calm themselves and try to get into adult mode so that they can make the conversation productive rather than inflaming and worsening the situation. Also, if someone's ranting at you, and you respond with silence, they'll sometimes become self conscious about their rant, or the momentum will just go...and they start to self-moderate.

 

I used to give my ex the silent treatment, to get what i want. Basically, you give him the silent treatment, he apologizes, maybe recognizes his faults and make you promises that he won't do what he did ever again. I know its weird, (crazy, if you will). But sometimes I get so angry that the only way to make him know that he @@### up is by giving him the silent treatment.

 

In a way, you're doing what I talked about in the above paragraph...but from what you're saying the overall aim is to control/get what you want rather than to encourage a bit of self reflection on his part. You create the barrier, and he has to do all the work in breaking it down using tools of regret, guilt, self-flagellation and promises that he might not be able to keep. You've indicated that you don't like the fact that you do this, and I think you're right not to. Long term, it's a destructive communication technique that causes a lot of resentment build-up.

 

Think of a business negotation. Apple looks for a mobile phone partner to help it introduce the ipod. The phone companies are falling over themselves to be the perfect partner. Apple swaggers around confidently in the demands and expectations it places on its future partner. Some of the phone companies say "screw this" and walk away. Others want to play a role in the ipod's release badly enough that they'll accept all of Apple's terms and conditions.

 

That kind of power is usually temporary. Competitors come up with attractive alternatives that they need phone companies to help them launch. The power balance starts to be redressed. Similarly, a guy will give way to your silent treatment for as long as you have something he wants that nobody else seems capable of offering.

 

At that stage, you hold power which you'll wield by using the silent treatment when you don't get what you want. Eventually, that thing you have will become less valuable to him. Or he'll see that someone else can offer a decent alternative, and they're prepared to be more flexible when it comes to negotiation. In general, whether or not you're holding the cards it makes sense to seize negotiating opportunities - even just for practice in becoming a better communicator/negotiator.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I used to give my ex the silent treatment, to get what i want. Basically, you give him the silent treatment, he appologizes, maybe recognizes his faults and make you promises that he won't do what he did ever again. I know its weird, (crazy, if you will). But sometimes I get so angry that the only way to make him know that he @@### up is by giving him the silent treatment. Somehow it worked for me. But, it made me feel horrible, when he would take his time to "talk about it".

So, I'm sure she wants to talk, she wants your attention. Generally, with women its usually my way or the high way ( some will disagree, but deep down it really is).

I think I have no choice but to agree .

 

lindya...great post

[London Girl]

Hmm, my recent ex dumped me after 5 weeks saying he is not ready for a relationship. Although distraught I accepted this and was not going to contact him again. However it's been two weeks since we have broken up and HE has since sent me one email and two text messages. How wierd is that esp. for the dumper? I don't understand whether he is regretting his decision or thinks we can be friends but I'm sticking with my no contact unless he contacts me for my own self respect and dignity.

 

I used to give my ex, ex the silent treatment when I was annoyed with him but I realised that is not the best thing to do. I think it is better to communicate to your partner if you are not happy with things or if they have upset you for whatever reason. This will help you too by getting the "issues" of your chest instead of bottling it up. Ironically, my ex ex did the same too and when he ended it all this crap came up which I had no idea about. Communication is key so you can resolve the issues there and then instead of penting it up and causing resentment later on.