Dealing with Resent/Regret

[Chibaby]

My husband and I got married just a few months ago, and it seems like things are already falling apart. Of course everyone has their problems, but I think it may be my fault the marrige isn't working. I have a hard time getting over things, and I think I really resent my husband for how my life is. These are the main reasons I resent him:

 

1. He broke up with me two years ago when we were engaged because I wanted to move to hawaii to be with my family and follow my dreams. He promised he would go, but then bailed on me.

 

2. I agreed that if we got back together, we would stay in Seattle indefinitly, and I'd try to make myself happy in other ways, quitting my job and going to comm. college instead of grad school out of state, even though I already have my bachelors degree.

 

3. Two years ago, we were supposed to move in together, but he ended up bailing and got his own place. It took him 7 months to agree for me to move in and set a date for our wedding after he had re-proposed, and we are still living in the same apartment since being married. I hate it, it only reminds me of our struggles, not somewhere we chose together to start our new life. Its somewhere he chose to be by himself...if that makes sense?

 

4. I feel like he's addicted to sports TV, and I resent it, because I feel like he always ignores me and is more in love with the TV than me. He gets home from work, flips on the TV, and proceeds to ignore me the rest of the night unless I engage him in some sort of conversation.

 

6. I just got a new full time job in a hospital-it was a big step for me, but it also meant cutting back at school so we could pay our bills. I didn't want to work full time while in school (I was at 20 hours a week), but his full time wage at $45K a year won't support us for some reason. I really resent that. So, yesterday, my first day of work, he came home, told me all about his day, and didn't even ask me about my first day of work at my new job until I prompted him...after an hour.

 

7. I resent him for his relationship with a female coworker. You can read my other posts if you want the details, but she basically crosses the line in the way of friendship/coworker. While things have not been as bad as before, I can't seem to get over this.

 

I don't know if my feelings of resentment are justifed? I hate feeling this way, but as much as I love my husband, other times I can't stand him!! -I feel like the way my life turned out is all his fault, and I blame him for this (I know, I made these choices, to marry him, etc. and now I have to live with it, but I want to be happy). This is not how I want to live my life, I want to move to Hawaii, pursue my career in fine arts, and go back to grad school. I love being outside, in the sun, adventure, doing what I love....happy. I don't think I'll ever be happy living here. It's hard to go outside when it's freezing, dark, and raining all the time. I don't know what to do now though, if we weren't married, I'd probably just do what I want, but since we are married, I don't know what to do? PLEASE! Can anyone tell me how I can be happy not doing what I want? Can anyone tell me how to just love my husband, instead of resenting him? How do I settle with this lifestyle when I want so much out of life?

[polywog]

How about couples/marriage counselling? Have you guys thought of that? It sounds like there's a lot to unravel.

[Chibaby]

Yes, we are doing couples counseling, but still don't seem to see eye to eye. We have been to several different counselors, but it just seems like they want to hear what we have to say, and then they ask us what we think we should do, or how we feel, or what alternatives woud make me happy. I don't see an alternative, I want to follow my dreams, not sidestep it with a fllimsy substitution. Counselers....No answers there, they don't like to give advice you know, they'd be liable for that.

[polywog]

Have you ever checked out that marriagebuiders.com site? I haven't been in my most recent relationship long enough to have to implement the ideas on there, but I always keep them in mind, and like the concept.

[Kasan]

At some point you have to let this stuff go before it destroys your marriage.

 

I remember the first year being so tough, really tough. But some really good things came out of it.

 

We made some rules which we still follow to this day.

 

When you fight, you fight about what your mad about and resolve it then. You don't drag up stuff that happened four years ago. This helps with the resentments, because if you truly resolve the dispute there is nothing to resent.

 

There is absolutely no name calling. You can think really bad things about your spouse, but don't' tell them.

 

Learn how to forgive, and there will be a lot you will have to forgive, but if you can do that, there will be no resentments.

 

Your husband can feel your resentment, so he avoids you by immersing himself in tv. The more you push, the more he avoids.

 

It doesn't really matter if your resentments are justified or not--there is a Dr. Philism---do you want to be right or be happy?

 

My yardstick for losing my mind these days is....will this be a factor in my life six months from now? If the answer is yes then it is discussed, if not, I let it go.

 

Oh yeah, another thing, you can go to bed mad.

 

How is it that you never discussed any of this before you got married?

[Chibaby]

My yardstick for losing my mind these days is....will this be a factor in my life six months from now? If the answer is yes then it is discussed, if not, I let it go.

 

 

 

How is it that you never discussed any of this before you got married?

 

 

So to answer your questions, yes, it will be a factor in my life six months from now. It was an issue two years ago, it's an issue now. I want to follow my dreams, to me, I feel like it would make up for all of what happened before and prove that he really does care enough about me. And two: we did discuss this before marriage, it's the reason we broke up and then got back together. I agreed to stay in this town indefinitly, but I don't think I can stick to that agreement. It's making me miserable. So yes, we did discuss this before we got married...we just didn't agree on things.

[Kasan]

Can I ask why you got married? You obviously didn't have this worked out beforehand.

 

Why can't you have your dreams? Have you had a depression screening?

[get.mos]

reading your original thread just made me shake my head. you two don't see eye to eye. he sounds like he's really not into the relationship. you really would rather be in hawaii. you already have a lot of resentment towards him; perhaps he feels the same way towards you.

 

i'm not exactly sure why you two are still giving this thing a shot. like the previous poster, why did you two get married?

[Chibaby]

 

i'm not exactly sure why you two are still giving this thing a shot. like the previous poster, why did you two get married?

 

We are got married and are still married because we love each other! Just because we don't see eye to eye doesn't mean that we should just give up and go home should it? Marriage is forever, and I don't really intend to get divorced over this issue. That would be like divorcing for having different political views. I think there are a lot of people in this world who love each other but want different things out of life. I think there is a healthy compromise, I just don't know what it is, and am seeking adivce. I don't want to be discouraged. I just want to figure out a way to make this marriage work, and still be happy.

[silktricks]

1. He broke up with me two years ago when we were engaged because I wanted to move to hawaii to be with my family and follow my dreams. He promised he would go, but then bailed on me.

Did you go to Hawaii? If so, what made you return to Seattle? If not, why didn't you go anyway?

 

Why did your guy bail?

2. I agreed that if we got back together, we would stay in Seattle indefinitly, and I'd try to make myself happy in other ways, quitting my job and going to comm. college instead of grad school out of state, even though I already have my bachelors degree.

why not go to grad school anyway? There are good schools in Seattle. If there are none for your specialty, then what about online? Why did you quit your job?

 

3. Two years ago, we were supposed to move in together, but he ended up bailing and got his own place. It took him 7 months to agree for me to move in and set a date for our wedding after he had re-proposed, and we are still living in the same apartment since being married. I hate it, it only reminds me of our struggles, not somewhere we chose together to start our new life. Its somewhere he chose to be by himself...if that makes sense?

It makes sense on one level. I personally would be more concerned about the lengthy time before wanting you to move in. Are you certain that he actually wanted to be married, as opposed to just not wanting you to leave the city?

4. I feel like he's addicted to sports TV, and I resent it, because I feel like he always ignores me and is more in love with the TV than me. He gets home from work, flips on the TV, and proceeds to ignore me the rest of the night unless I engage him in some sort of conversation.

See my above comment. Have you told him that you are dissatisfied with this? That you feel neglected?

6. I just got a new full time job in a hospital-it was a big step for me, but it also meant cutting back at school so we could pay our bills. I didn't want to work full time while in school (I was at 20 hours a week), but his full time wage at $45K a year won't support us for some reason. I really resent that. So, yesterday, my first day of work, he came home, told me all about his day, and didn't even ask me about my first day of work at my new job until I prompted him...after an hour.

Well, about the not being able to live on his wages, srattle is a pricey city. Two people living on that wage and paying tuition would be difficult.

 

Regarding not asking about your day, how was his? Was it very stressful? Was there a reason he may have forgotten to ask about yours? Do you ever ask about his?

7. I resent him for his relationship with a female coworker. You can read my other posts if you want the details, but she basically crosses the line in the way of friendship/coworker. While things have not been as bad as before, I can't seem to get over this.

You should not have married as long as this issue was unresolved:

 

I don't know if my feelings of resentment are justifed? I hate feeling this way, but as much as I love my husband, other times I can't stand him!! -I feel like the way my life turned out is all his fault, and I blame him for this (I know, I made these choices, to marry him, etc. and now I have to live with it, but I want to be happy). This is not how I want to live my life, I want to move to Hawaii, pursue my career in fine arts, and go back to grad school. I love being outside, in the sun, adventure, doing what I love....happy. I don't think I'll ever be happy living here. It's hard to go outside when it's freezing, dark, and raining all the time. I don't know what to do now though, if we weren't married, I'd probably just do what I want, but since we are married, I don't know what to do? PLEASE! Can anyone tell me how I can be happy not doing what I want? Can anyone tell me how to just love my husband, instead of resenting him? How do I settle with this lifestyle when I want so much out of life?

 

You decide which is more important, your life the way you want to live it, or being married to this man. Frankly, it sounds to me like you would be happier alone. If you are going to divorce, it's better to Do it before you have kids.

 

I would suggest personally that you get some IC so you can crystalize you own desires. You need to get to know yourself. It seems like you've been working on your relationship, when what you need to work on is you.

 

Anyway, good luck.

[Cobra_X30]

We are got married and are still married because we love each other! Just because we don't see eye to eye doesn't mean that we should just give up and go home should it? Marriage is forever, and I don't really intend to get divorced over this issue. That would be like divorcing for having different political views. I think there are a lot of people in this world who love each other but want different things out of life. I think there is a healthy compromise, I just don't know what it is, and am seeking adivce. I don't want to be discouraged. I just want to figure out a way to make this marriage work, and still be happy.

 

This can work! No reason to give up. Follow your dreams here!

 

Welcome to Seattle... BTW

[Nixson]

Marriage is about 'give and take'. None of us can be selfish but who are we kidding? Sometimes we are selfish without realizing that we are. I'm not saying you're selfish or your husband is... although in some ways he is. In my opinion, you have given up a lot on your side to be with him. Has he done anything for you? A marriage takes a lot of work from both sides and it can only work if you have the patience to sit down and talk things through.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to follow my dreams, to me, I feel like it would make up for all of what happened before and prove that he really does care enough about me. And two: we did discuss this before marriage, it's the reason we broke up and then got back together. I agreed to stay in this town indefinitly, but I don't think I can stick to that agreement. It's making me miserable. So yes, we did discuss this before we got married...we just didn't agree on things.

When you're married, you follow "our" dreams, not "my" dreams. Each gives some and each gets some. Trust me, as you're finding out, it's easier said than done and often both partners can feel like they're getting the short end.

 

However, if you did discuss this before marriage and agreed that you would stay in the States indefinitely, how is the resentment fair to your husband?

 

Mr. Lucky

[OpenBook]

When you're married, you follow "our" dreams, not "my" dreams. Each gives some and each gets some. Trust me, as you're finding out, it's easier said than done and often both partners can feel like they're getting the short end.

 

I watched both my parents give up some of their own personal dreams for the M. My dad gave up sailing; my mom gave up a fabulous career. They did it for each other. Neither one of them ever expressed any regrets for the choices they made. I think I feel more regret for what was lost than they do!! I would never have been able to sacrifice what they did. It's an odd thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

I watched both my parents give up some of their own personal dreams for the M. My dad gave up sailing; my mom gave up a fabulous career. They did it for each other. Neither one of them ever expressed any regrets for the choices they made. I think I feel more regret for what was lost than they do!! I would never have been able to sacrifice what they did. It's an odd thing.

Don't you think, to some extent, that loss is a factor for anyone in a marriage, especially once kids come along? Few of us dreamed of the life that the responsibilities of marriage and family seem to impose. Raising a family is rewarding in ways that nothing else can match, but both parents sacrifice much to get it done...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - I was going to a Marine Biologist, studying exotic aquatic life in faraway tropical places

[noirx]

Wow - I read #4 and it made me thing of my wife. We've not been married long and she does the same thing. If the TV is on, I may as well not exist. If it has anything to do with intimacy or our relationship, I get to wait till a commercial is on. I haven't found a way to work through this at all (even though we have TiVo)... If you do, please let me know. I can tell you that, "Look dammit, I'm talking to you" is not something that works...

 

I agree with some of the other posts on here. It sounds like you've given up an awful lot for this guy. What has he given up for you? Why couldn't he compromise? It sounds kind of selfish of him to always want the relationship on his terms. Kind of like he's trying to control you. And since you've went along with it, it's just set the stage for a pattern of bad behavior.

 

It sounds like you just need to get this all out in the open with him and resolve it. It will only get worse the longer things aren't resolved and love isn't going to stop you from wanting to be happy. Once the point the resentment outweighs the love, you're going to look for happiness elsewhere...