"Smile!"

[NotKelly]

Am I the only person who really hates it when people tell you to "Smile!"?

 

I went to an office Christmas party yesterday. I usually dislike parties - I prefer quieter one-on-one socializing and hate standing around blabbing in knots. However, I am a good sport and I behave like a normal person at these events, I follow and occasionally participate in conversation, smile, make eye contact at people I'm talking to. I'm just a little quiet, as many people are in such situations.

 

I had a good time, except for one jerky guy who kept calling attention to me constantly. I had just entered the periphery of a conversation group, was at a distance I felt comfortable at to start with, and this guy says "Hey - you - take one step forward." Confused, I did - I didn't know what he wanted. "Now take another step. There!" he sad triumphantly, as if he was the Miracle Worker and I was some hopelessly shy Helen Keller. What the ****? I was confused for a second because I thought he was trying to say something to me. Turns out he just wanted to "make" me stop being "shy."

 

Then later I'm sitting at a table, just quietly listening to the other people there and occasionally joining in, and this same guy walks by and yells at me "Smile!" What a jerk.

 

Why do I seem to attract people like this? (It doesn't happen at every party, but more than it happens to other people) It's not like I'm some cringing wallflower. I'm just a little quiet. When I was younger, I used to get really upset when this would happen... I wondered if something was wrong with me and I was looking conspicuously shy. Now that I am much older and more sure of myself, and realize that nobody really thinks that of me (or accepts that I'm not a social butterfly), I have come to realize that people like this are just simply aggressive *******s. They really are. It's not me - it's them.

 

They're either very very stupid (does yelling "Smile" at anyone ever really make them feel more comfortable?!) or just predatory jerks who get off on dominating other people. As I've grown older, I realize there are people like that in the world who play these stupid games with other people because THEY'RE insecure.

 

And if what I'm saying shocks or offends anybody who genuinely thinks they're helping by dragging a quieter person out of the periphery and making an example of them... guess what... YOU'RE NOT. Ordering someone to "Smile!" almost never makes anyone feel better - particularly if that's the first thing you say to them. It makes them feel even more embarrassed and uncomfortable.

 

To the many people out there who have no problem with quieter people at parties... you're awesome.

 

To the drive-by "Smile!" shouters out there, you need to maybe settle down and accept that there are people in the world who prefer to stay on the periphery and check things out a bit before they start participating.

 

And if you're someone who actively and repeatedly picks on somebody quiet at a party just because you are bored... you are just an insensitive *******, and I pity you.

[phyrespryte]

Seriously.

Sometimes I'd like to kick those 'smile' losers in the face.

 

What I've noticed is that it's always some person that nobody likes. Or it's that one person that I never talk to because of whatever reason. It's like they think that I'm depressed because I never smile at them. Um. No.

I'm not depressed. I'm not anti-social (well not all the time). I'm not having a bad day. I just don't like you, Mr. Smiley pants.

 

[NotKelly]

It's so weird because I thought I was in a perfectly good mood and being sociable. And then this guy comes out of the woodwork and is acting all over-familiar with me and weirdly trying to draw attention to me.

 

I guess I would just love to know what goes through these people's minds, how they could possibly think such behavior is friendly. It actually feels like an act of aggression sometimes. And sometimes, I think that's EXACTLY what it is, it's like a mini-assault. There are some people who see a quieter person as a target for their own ego.

 

I've learned (after much early suffering) not to let it get to me. I was just like, "Wow, this guy is a jerk, I feel sorry for his wife."

 

You meet all kinds of people at parties... and sometimes you just meet pathologically aggressive people, and that is the form their aggression takes.

 

Oh, and one other thing - 9 times out of 10, it's a man who will do this. It's not really a thing that women do to other people.

[phyrespryte]

I don't know if I'd consider it like an assault. I think he probably thinks he's being sociable or funny. I don't think they realize that it's actually pretty offensive. What a sad excuse for conversation. Like those people that say, hi how are you? Then immediately walk away before you can answer.

 

Usually I just glare at the person so that they feel equally as lame. I wish I knew some sort of comeback that would show them how stupid that phrase is.

[latefragment]

Not Kelly I totally agree with you. I have encountered this before and I'm actually a very animated, sociable person, so I consider it an act of aggression. It's VERY VERY bad to go up, and aggressively shout "smile" to someone that you don't know. It makes me angry too.

[andysw]

I hate it when people keep telling me to smile. Was he very open and extroverted? Usually extreme extroverts say things to people which they think are good, but in fact to the other person it's a dagger in the heart.

[Art_Critic]

.........

[Magnatolia]

No offense to anyone but why should sociable people not go out of their way to pull quieter people into a conversation??? Now before anyone gets upset I completely agree that shouting or commanding you to do something is wrong.

 

You see, a lot of quiet people are quiet because A) They don't know anyone, or don't know anyone well enough to join in a group, B) They're quiet because they don't feel like they have anything to say or C) They're quiet because they can't join in without being invited.

 

I mean seriously are you telling me that nobody should be allowed to introduce someone into a group. I'm one of the quiet ones that has those problems listed above and I would love it if someone pulled me into their group. That happened at a work christmas party, one guy saw me sitting on my own and he called me over. We chatted most of the night, it was great.

 

And phryespryte, who are you to call someone lame because they asked how are you as they were walking past. I mean sure, I agree that it's better to wait for the response. But I've noticed that people who do that are usually in a rush and maybe they feel that saying one word "hi" is impolite.

 

But hey this is all just my opinion. But it would make my social life sooo much better if either A) I could work out a way to meet friends of my friends without feeling like I'm intruding or B) People pulling me into conversations.

 

IMO, I think today's society isn't designed to 'expand' the depth of your social circle. I know people who have 4 or 5 friends and none of them know each other. Which is entirely that person's choice, but I feel sorry for those friends who don't have many friends.

[phyrespryte]

And phryespryte, who are you to call someone lame because they asked how are you as they were walking past. I mean sure, I agree that it's better to wait for the response. But I've noticed that people who do that are usually in a rush and maybe they feel that saying one word "hi" is impolite.

 

Ugh. Can I think a person is lame for being inconsiderate?

 

Really, a hi with a smile is all that's necessary. I don't expect a person to stop and have a conversation when they're busy. That would be inconsiderate of me. I don't have patience for people who pretend to be sociable when they really have no intention of it. Don't ask how I'm doing if you honestly don't care or even have the time to pretend that you care. It comes across as fake and it sends the indirect message that 'I don't care what you have to say'.

 

And being invited into a conversation is very different from being told to smile. I've invited shy people into conversations before. Usually, I'll talk to the person first, ask them what their name is, then invite them to join my friends. I don't go over to them and make them feel awkward because they're quiet or not as smiley as everyone else is.

 

Being told to smile, especially when you were in a good mood, is as offensive as typing in all caps. It's like saying, HEY EVERYBODAAAAY LOOK AT THAT GIRL OVER THERE! OMG!!!! SHE'S NOT SMILING AND IT'S BOTHERING ME SO MUCH I HAVE TO POINT IT OUT!!!!!

 

How is that supposed to make a person feel good? How is that supposed to make other people want to talk to that person? It doesn't. It just makes that person feel even more isolated and it makes other people think that, that person is difficult to talk to.