Will this ever end?

[Groovy85]

Sorry, first time poster jumping in the deep end here, I found this forum the other day and I just need to get this out somewhere...after bottling it up for years.

 

 

I love my ex boyfriend, I miss him every single day, he is and was the great love of my life...blah blah I'm sure theres nothing unusual about that.

 

I'm married with 3 children, I havn't even seen my ex in 5 years.How can this still be?

 

I married too young, to the first person who came along after the ex, I had a quick succession of children thinking that surely the love I felt for them would take away him.

 

But everything is still him, it always has been. I met him when I was just a child really and first kissed him at 13.

I can't remember a moment in my life when it hasn't been all about him and I'm scared that I'll die an 80 year old women crying on her deathbed and aching for someone I didnt even know anymore.

 

I'm a good wife, a loving mother. But I'll drive my children to school and hear a song that reminds me of him. I'll see someone with the same walk and stop and stare.

 

 

I always loved him too much, My parents moved 1500 miles away from the town I lived in with him just after I was 14. I then spent the next 4 years in a cycle of travelling back to my old town and living with him/returning home , breaking up..repeat etc. We never had a chance to be a normal couple and we were so so young. I was obsessed with him, my love for him has always defined and dominated my life. The trouble is after deciding he really was gone for the last time I leapt into a situation that has lead to this.

 

Now I really am the proverbial desperate housewife resorting to babbling online what she can't tell anyone irl .

 

And I just can't convince myself it wasn't real, he was just him. and I loved him...and he's still gone. And every single ****ing day I still miss the lack of his presence in my life.

[bustertypsy]

Wow Groovy,I could feel the pain reading your post.Firstly you are married.Do you love your husband?Probably not.

Do you know where you ex is now? Is he married,in a serious relationship?

These are things you must consider before you go any further.

Have you ever considered professional help?

I really don't know how to advise you,but if it was me,then I couldn't take this pain on a daily basis.I would have to do something.Whether it was writing,calling the ex,or going to visit him I would do something.You cannot allow this to wear you down.So do something rather than nothing,because 5 years is too long to be feeling this way.

[polywog]

Groovy, sorry for your pain! Ugh, I relate, as so many of us do here.

 

But some things to consider: Are you in love with the Idea of that Love? It's so easy to idealize past lovers (and that love we had with them), and the image we have of them in our hearts is just that, a lot of times. It's like a static Icon that is hanging on the wall of our heart, not a flesh and blood person in our daily lives. Maybe you are longing for what you were then, and not exactly him?

 

So often it's something about ourselves that we long for, and not the past love.

Does this make any sense? Just something to ask yourself and consider.

[Groovy85]

Do I Love my husband?

 

No, I care about him and respect the fact that he's the father of our children...but any chance we ever had he ruined along time ago...whole new story there.

 

Am I in love with the idea of love? Possibly...Loving Him makes me miserable, but the thought of not loving him does as well. I think its a little bit of everything...I've tried telling myself that I'm more in love with the idea of how huge our love was, but honestly i think its more than that. I just love him, and never found our breakup a good enough reason not to anymore.

 

I do long for who I was with him, but I long for him to be a part of who I am now. I wouldnt want to go back, but rather I'd like to bring him to the present. I've lived the part of my life where hes been absent with him in mind, I wish i could share with him what Ive done, my life.

 

Its just such a mess, I should never have married but i just thought It would take it away , take him away...when all its done in the long run is shortchange my children. Who wants a mother like me.

 

Re Him. He's in a serious relationship, with the woman who resulted in our final break-up.

 

I just found out today that theyve just had their first child together and it truly feels for the first time that I've truly lost him. That was meant to be our life, everything is just so ****ed up. I just want to die.

[Groovy85]

I just want to scream out loud.

 

How can you contain a hurt this huge, how can it still hurt this huge.

 

My god.

[cant let go]

it is stories like this that make it so hard for someone like me to believe that doing nothing is the right thing. Someone on here regarded this lack of action as "sitting on one's hands." It's so freaking hard to just expect time to heal especially when I can't even understand why we aren't together anymore. I don't want to wake up years from now miserable because the love of my life walked away because he was too immature to know what real love is. I just feel like it isn't fair that I have been crushed this way. What lesson am I learning that necessitates all this pain? I loved him in every way and was willing to learn and grow with him. Why would God let me build something up so high just so I could fall so hard? And why does he, the coward, get to go on with life in a new relationship and be seemingly happy?

[Groovy85]

Time doesnt heal, it just makes it harder to go back.

 

In the end I walked away, gave up and walked away thinking that I had all the time in the world. Now he'd gone, he's truly truly gone and my whole world is grey.

 

 

I always believed that you couldnt love someone like this and have it all be in vain.