?!? I Don't Get Women.

[Tarmac]

Okay I ddon't get it. I have known this girl for over a year. We have been kind of like seeing each other all over the place and always stopping and talking. She was always making the first moves, asking for my number, etc. I liked her a lot and am very shy so I took a very slow road. I finally asked her out a few months ago and we went and had breakfast. Since then we have gone on quite a few dates. Most to go get dinner or lunch. Once to go see some Christmas lights. We both started college, we go to the same one, and we both work quite a few hours.

 

My question is...we both seem to like one another, i think, when we get done with dates we hug and make plans for other ones. But lately when I talk to her she says she'll call me to set something up and she never does. I don't get it. This is a complete role reversal, dosen't the man usually not call. Do you think I've done something wrong? You think she dosen't like me????

 

HELP! I really like her.

[bearer of bad news]

I'm going to tell you something that will probably make you angry and sad. I do the same thing, and I do it because I want to hang out with a FRIEND, not a person that I would like to be my boyfriend. This girl may be different from me, since I am the aggressive type. If I like a guy, I'll make sure he knows. I'll hold his hand at a movie, I'll want to do romantic things, I'll be the first to make a move to kiss. But if I don't really like a guy like that, and I could tell the guy likes me, I'll do the same thing she's doing. I'll plan an outing, we'll do it, then I'd let him hug me, maybe I'll call him, maybe I won't. I'm the type that likes to keep my options open, so if just in case I do turn out to like him like that, I could go and make my move. On the other hand, maybe she likes you and maybe she's waiting for YOU to take the man's lead. Maybe she's waiting for you to call and ask her out on a date. Maybe she wants you to kiss her. Maybe she wants you to do something to make her heart swoon. If you really like her, woo her, seduce her, make her want you. Don't wait for her to come around. Sometimes girls like her and I don't ever come around. Good luck.

[Totally Confused]

OK, you are the hunter and we (as women) are the hunted. If you don't pursue her and she has to do all the work...that's not very romantic or flattering. Woman (not all, but most) are taught to wait for a man to pursue her. You are not doing your job and she's getting frustrated. Woman, nowadays, are told it's ok to make the first move, but not to make all the moves. Since you didn't make any moves or didn't do any calling, she assumed you weren't interested...and therefore gave up. I can just hear her discussing this with all of her girlfriends. She probably tells them that you seem somewhat interested, but you never call. Everyone knows that when a man loves a woman, he'll go after her and make her feel special. That doesn't mean that you have to make yourself look wimpy and call her constantly, but it is your job to make the moves at the beginning of a relationship and set up the dates. When I was in college, there was this boy, Mike, that I really, really liked. I made all the moves, which made me feel really uncomfortable and pushy. I got frustrated because he would never ask me out or kiss me, yet he would hang out with me, whenever I would go to his dorm room to hang out. Well one day I finally made a pass at him and kissed him. He kissed me back, but after that I didn't really hear from him. I thought for sure that once he kissed me, he'd fall for me. I thought to myself (and to my friends who agreed) this guy doesn't like me as much as I like him, because I'm making all the moves. If I don't go to his dorm, I don't see him. I started to give up and finally lost all interest. 10 years later, I found out from a college friend (who was still friends with Mike) that he had liked me so much and I had crushed him when I blew him off in school. I was shocked. I had never met a guy that didn't go after what he wanted. Everyone's shy about approaching someone they like. It's even harder for guys, because a lot of the pressure is on them. Rejection stinks, but it's a chance that you and all men/woman have to take. You have to risk big, to gain big. You'll get turned down a lot of times, but you'll also get girls who will say yes. Everyone isn't for everyone, so DON'T take the rejection personally. If I were you, I'd call this girl...ASAP...before she totally slips through your hands. Maybe she'll say no, but maybe she'll say yes...it's a 50/50 chance. If she says no, you'll just have to find someone else...and it wasn't meant to be. Don't worry, everyone gets rejected at one time or another...you're not alone.

[Meta]

Tarmac, listen to Totally Confused!

 

She's right on target!

 

I completely agree with everything she has been saying. I've been there myself. It takes a lot for a woman to approach a man, and if she went out of her way to ask you for your phone number and hung out with you whenever possible, that means SHE LIKED you. I can see her giving up as well, so call her, make plans, talk to her about why you haven't called, MAKE THE MOVE!!!

 

There's nothing more frustrating and discouraging than a non-reciprocal male...so if you like her, GO FOR IT!

 

She might be frustrated enough to have given up already, but don't fear this possibility. She was courageous enough to approach you, so you can do the same...at least you "owe" her for that, don't you think?

[MaRcouRiuZ]

I thought woman started to talk about getting equal and stuff, but a lot of men and women seem to stay with the old standards of men as hunters and women as the hunted. You say it 'takes a lot for a woman to approach a man. I think this is (mostly) a matter of a persons nature. Who says it can't 'take a lot' for us men?

 

I thought girls wanted men to be sensitive and open. Whe do have feelings too!

 

Ok, it works that way most of the time. But maybe whe should let the conventions go. People defer. Some are shy, some direct.

 

I myself can be kind of resistant myself. Even though a lot of girls show interest, it can be hard to get the guts and step up to them. I am happy to be in the Netherlands, where it seems more common for girls to take steps.

 

Needed to say that.

Tarmac, listen to Totally Confused! She's right on target! I completely agree with everything she has been saying. I've been there myself. It takes a lot for a woman to approach a man, and if she went out of her way to ask you for your phone number and hung out with you whenever possible, that means SHE LIKED you. I can see her giving up as well, so call her, make plans, talk to her about why you haven't called, MAKE THE MOVE!!!

 

There's nothing more frustrating and discouraging than a non-reciprocal male...so if you like her, GO FOR IT! She might be frustrated enough to have given up already, but don't fear this possibility. She was courageous enough to approach you, so you can do the same...at least you "owe" her for that, don't you think?