rockodelite Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Hello, Last week I learned that my girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me. It happened on 2 separate occasions--in March she and her male friend were hanging out and getting drunk. They ended up having sex. She didn't tell me and said that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to lose me. Well, the second incident happened last week. She went over to his house and they had sex--they weren't drunk. When I talked to her about it she said that she has been hiding the fact that her depression has resurfaced stronger than ever and has not been valuing herself at all for the past six months. She said she started being friends with the guy for the sole reason of friendship, but then it became a situation closer to friends who go beyond those boundaries. She also said that this recent time, when she went to his house, she didn't intend on having sex--it just happened. I don't know what to believe, but I really want to give her a second chance, but I don't wanna let her off-the-hook either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rockodelite Posted June 3, 2003 Author Share Posted June 3, 2003 no, but I made out with a female friend in an emotive rage the night after hearing about my girlfriend's infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 In fact... I just couldn't understand why you weren't outraged by her cheating twice. You certainly are understanding! What a guy. But at the same time, you might want to make sure she isn't bringing home any bugs... You might want to consider how many times would she have to cheat, in order for you to leave... Her depression and self-worth shouldn't be tied to her monogamy. Did she really feel better about herself after cheating? Most people wouldn't. Are you sure this is someone you would want to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rockodelite Posted June 3, 2003 Author Share Posted June 3, 2003 Initially, I was really pissed, but then it just sorta faded away into something more along the lines of inquiring as to why it happened. She said that she started being friends with the lad so that she could do things with him that he did and that I didn't do--meaning, skiing and sports-related activities. But then all this stuff erupted as a result of some sort of psychological mayhem. I am not sure what to conclude, but I feel that this can be dealt with and we can move on. We are going to work slowly to get through this, and she said she is going to work to rebuild the trust. Maybe I am a dreamer, I dunno. I just feel that forgiveness is the only way. But as I said before, I am not just ignoring the fact that she shagged another dude. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 hmmmmm, well good luck. I hope it works out in the way you want it to. That's most important. You are important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rockodelite Posted June 3, 2003 Author Share Posted June 3, 2003 You can honestly tell me if you think my plan is ill-conceived. Have you experience with a similar situation? Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I think you are making a mistake. Look at the facts. She has been your girlfriend for 3 years and then gets drunk with her new male friend and they have sex. She is blaming that she was drunk that caused her to do it? She does not tell you the truth for fear she will lose you. Then she goes deliberately to his house again and has sex with him. She tells you it just happened? My friend this did not just happens. Having sex with another person while you are in a committed relationship does not just happened. She made a deliberate choice to have sex with this guy friend a second time. I am afraid you are in big time denial. How can you accept her comment that "it just happened"? How can you have a girlfriend knowing she could have sex with another guy because it just happened. I don't see how you could possibly trust her again. This is the second time and I assume she did not bother to make sure she had protection. She continues to have sex with you and having sex with the other guy and putting your health at risk? Why would you wish to have a girlfriend who has sex twice with another man while she is drunk and another time when she is sober and telling you it just happened. You need to face the truth. She is not a person you can count on to be faithful to you. You need to move on and find another girlfriend who can respect you and believes in a committment to a relationship and being faithful to a boyfriend. If she loves you she would not be going over to her friends house and having sex with him. I think you deserve better than this and I would hope you do also. I don't think you need to settle for being the guy who supports her while she screws another guy twice. Why are willing to settle for someone who disrespects you this way? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I thought my question, "Are you sure this is someone you would want to marry?" said it all. I think Bryan got the jist of it. Step back, picture this happening to a good friend of yours. What would you tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
dana Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 I thik if you have been dating for 3 years and she would do that to you she doesnt love you becuase love is much stronger...if you really love her sit her down and talk to her about the incodent that happend and express how you feel... Link to post Share on other sites
lili Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 I am attracted a young teen that does not feel the same way. Well I feel like is my fault because I made the mistake of telling him how I felt about him and even went as far as trying to seduce him. Anyway he doesn't feel tje same way and that makes me jealous of whomever he is with and bring down the self esteem. I feel like I have made my self easy and and that has turned him off; but hey what can I do I like him. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 I think you're wasting your time if you stay with her. You talk about giving her a "second chance"? You've already given her that, when she cheated in March. And yet, she did it again, knowing how much pain and heartbreak it had caused the first time. Each additional time you forgive her, it plants the idea deeper in her head that she can cheat again, because you'll forgive her. So she was depressed? That's unfortunate. But unless she was certifiably insane, it's not an excuse. It's a cop-out. Lots of people are depressed but find constructive ways of dealing with it. She chose a selfish, destructive band-aid solution. (I emphasize "chose".) You demonstrated a hell of a lot of love and commitment when you forgave her once. Then she went and sh*t all over you again. Drop her like a hot coal and run -- unless you want to continue to be miserable with her, always wondering who else she's screwing behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
lifeisloveispain Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 Man, you've been been with this chick for three years, and she's screwing around on you in the present? That's bull. I think you need to just toss this girl, she's just going to keep doing it. There's no excuse for this kind of behavior. How does having sex "just happen?" I've heard this one before, but it still makes no sense to me. Getting intimate with somebody is a conscious choice. This is like the girl saying, "Oh, well, I was running down the hall and all of a sudden I slipped, and next thing I know I'm naked and bouncing up and down on some dude." Does that make sense to you??? How many other times has she messed around on you before this? You've been together for 3 years, and it sounds like she's pretty willing to cheat on you. If she hasn't done it before these times, I'd be really surprised. Just out of curiousity, how did you find out? Did she tell you? Did you ask her about it? What has her emotional response to this been (remorse, guilt, just sorry you found out)? I think the real key here is that she cheated on you multiple times. Once is forgivable, sometimes. Multiple times consciously choosing to do that - not so forgivable. She made a conscious choice to hurt you. To my way of thinking, if you've been together for 3 years and she's doing this, she can't really love you. If she did, she wouldn't make such an effort to hurt you and be cruel. Just my opinion. -lifeisloveispain Link to post Share on other sites
ltomlinson81 Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 I am in a situation similar to yours. My boyfriend of 4 years, whom I live with, cheated on me. He did not sleep with the girl, but I am not sure if that makes it any better. Over this weekend, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to leave him. But then I woke up this morning with a terrible sense of regret. I don't want to lose him because he is my best friend in the whole world and has the kindest heart. I love him with all I have. Sometimes I do believe him when he says his internal issues are the reason for what he did, and sometimes I don't. Tonight we are going to talk. We are going to and decide what is best for our relationship. We know that we love each other, but we may not be a perfect fit right now. I think if he decides that he needs to work through his own issues and regain a sense of self without me, then I will accept that. Maybe you should do the same thing. Taking time apart may be good for both you and her. Or maybe, if you have a serious conversation with her about what you both want, you can come to some sort of conclusion. Make it about your relationship, not just your hurt feelings. I think then you will be able to identify what will be better for you both in the long-run. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts