Do I have to make a decision now?

[rattikin]

Hi

This is my first post and I need to unburden myself.

To shorten a really long story...I've been married for almost 13 years. We've had a few problems over the years, nothing too bad, just marriage niggles. Have two children, 9 and 11. Always been deeply in love but the last two years have been becoming harder to be happy with each other.

 

After three episodes of doubt about our future together, and vowing to try again because we love each other, my husband announced that he was very unhappy, had been for a long time, was severly depressed and hinted at suicidal thoughts and had to get out. Implied he had to stop the world and get off. He has a very stressful job which he drives an hour each way to, gets home late and doesn't spend much time with his family.

He said he had struggled for most of our marriage, with the finances, the dog, his job, the life choices we'd made, the shouting and arguments (not that bad really) and had to make everything stop. He said he loved us all but couldn't love me because he didn't love himself. He just needed to play his guitar. I asked him to see his doctor, who diagnosed depression. He said he needed to go away in order to get himself back on his feet.

 

So he went. I cried a lot and felt completely rejected. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to sort himself out within his family, who all love him.

We broke the news to the children, who took it really hard. He rented a house in the country and played his guitar a lot. He sorted himself out and I sorted out the kids.

This happened about 5 weeks ago and I've been through periods of loss, grief, loneliness, uncertainty, fear, but also periods of relief that it's all over, periods of calm and peace that I haven't felt for a long time.

 

He has since then made sure we have been okay financially and spends real quality time with the children three or four times a week. So everything at the moment is peaceful.

 

But....he now wants to come home. He's realised just how much his family means to him (his words) and feels we can start over, without any of the same stuff we went through before. He feels lonely in his house on the hill, and has started to come over and moan about how I have friends and family for support and friendship and he has no-one. He looks a mess.

I'm not sure I want him back. The house is peaceful, I'm discovering a person I forgot about...me!!! Yes, it's still lonely and I still don't know what to do, but my instincts tell me it's over, for me.

I'm not sure though that I trust my feelings right now so am reluctant to make a decision. I don't know what to do but I feel the pressure now. If we get back together, I don't want to end up going through this again if it doesn't work out. I have to think of the children.

 

And here's the shallow bit...the mortgage is up for renewal. I can't afford one on my own, and my job is only secure until August. He's happy to renew in both names for five years. Do I do this? I'm worried that if I decide we shouldn't get back together, he may end up becoming difficult with mortgage payments. Is it worth the risk?

 

If anyone has any advice to offer, I'd be so grateful. Thanks for reading..I hope I made it clear.

[thelegend]

Wow I'm sorry you and your family have had to endure this. I couldn't imagine the pressure you have went through. I have 2 kids so I know how it is to have to think about them before you think about you. I really don't have a great deal of advice because this is uncharted territory for me but I'll say this. The pressure of being a man in general seemed to have gotten the best of your husband and he needed to get away. In my opinion I find that very selfish and cold seeing that you didn't bail out when you were going through the pressure and hard times with him. If your life is truly happier without him being there then that's the route I'd continue to take. Sure he may be fine now but you know like I know good times don't last long so when the pressure builds back up and he walks away again it could damage you and the children for ever. I certainly would not entertain the idea of letting him back for financial gain alone. Because you can't put a price tag on your happiness. Just my thoughts and good luck

[rattikin]

Thanks for your honest thoughts. Deep down I know the answer.

He came round today and I asked for time, at least until spring. I asked him to get counselling and to sort himself out. Then maybe we can do marriage counselling together. I don't know what will happen, But I feel easier having a little breathing space.