how do you respond when somebody says they "don't deserve you?"

[shadowplay]

My bf keeps on telling me that he doesn't deserve me and I never know how to respond. I wish there was some way of making him see that he does deserve me, but I don't know how. I'm very affectionate and loving toward him so I don't understand why he feels this way. Any advice on how to build his confidence about this?

 

He still seems shocked by the fact that we're together which is a bit strange after nearly six months. He says that he pined away for me when we were aquaintances in this class and never would have thought we would actually be sleeping together one day. I think it's cute, but it also makes me feel like he's sort of idealizing me or not loving the real me.

[Dynamo]

My bf keeps on telling me that he doesn't deserve me and I never know how to respond. I wish there was some way of making him see that he does deserve me, but I don't know how. I'm very affectionate and loving toward him so I don't understand why he feels this way. Any advice on how to build his confidence about this?

 

He's just really flattered that you want to be with him. It's sort of like "I can't believe someone like you wants to be with someone like me.". He just thinks really highly of you. It's a compliment

 

Although it may have some roots in bad self-esteem but I can't really suggest on that.

 

Oh and as a reply, just say something like "You're right, I'm too good for you!" (in a joking tone of course).

[fray718]

I think you should say 'we deserve EACH other'

[truckdriving]

When he says it again, reply "that may be but I certainly deserve you" who knows it might work

[underpants]

I like all three of these suggestions. However, Fray's made my heart feel nice.

[amaysngrace]

My BF says the same thing. He doesn't understand what I'm doing with him.

 

It doesn't make me feel like he doesn't like me for me at all. If anything him saying it is a major compliment because he knows me pretty well by now. And he still feels like he doesn't deserve me.

 

Mostly all I do is let him know how much he means to me. And let him know how much I appreciate him. I don't really internalize it so much when he says it as much as I take it as a cue to thank him for being him.

 

So far so good.

[norajane]

I think it's cute, but it also makes me feel like he's sort of idealizing me or not loving the real me.

 

He won't drop the 'I don't deserve you' attitude until he takes you off the pedestal and and sees you for you who are, warts and all, AND he gains some self confidence in his own worth. I'm afraid you can't do that for him - he has to do it himself.

 

At best, he'll start settling into the relationship over time and will start realizing that you are not an unattainable dream, but a real woman, and that he is the one you want because he has a lot to offer.

 

At worst, what you see as 'cute' now, you will start to see as a bottomless pit of insecurity and clingy neediness that requires constant reassurance of your love...

 

When he says he doesn't deserve you, just tell him you love him.

[Tony T]

My bf keeps on telling me that he doesn't deserve me and I never know how to respond. I wish there was some way of making him see that he does deserve me, but I don't know how. I'm very affectionate and loving toward him so I don't understand why he feels this way. Any advice on how to build his confidence about this?

 

He still seems shocked by the fact that we're together which is a bit strange after nearly six months. He says that he pined away for me when we were aquaintances in this class and never would have thought we would actually be sleeping together one day. I think it's cute, but it also makes me feel like he's sort of idealizing me or not loving the real me.

 

This is a more serious problem than you may think. Either he knows he's doing something...or there's something in his past that makes him unworthy....OR he has a serious self esteem problem and lacks confidence in himself. You need to get to the bottom of this and rectify it because until he comes clean or becomes confident enough to feel worthy you can never have a completely healthy relationship. Men usually don't say this to a woman unless something is eating heavily on their conscience, in my personal observations.

[randuff]

I have to agree with Tony on this one. He may be hiding something (though I hope not)

 

You might find a way to ask "why not?" when he says he doesn't deserve you.

 

Just my opinion.

[amaysngrace]

You need to get to the bottom of this and rectify it because until he comes clean or becomes confident enough to feel worthy you can never have a completely healthy relationship.

 

I wouldn't do this. You aren't his therapist. You're his GF. He needs to get to the bottom of this unless maybe you are the very first girl who has accepted him for him. Which can be very overwhelming for some.

 

I wouldn't suggest he has some deep-seeded issues. I think it's more that you don't treat him like crap like others may have done.

 

I also don't think you should mix him saying he doesn't deserve you with him admiring you for a while. He's probably just playing back how much he was taken with you in the first place although really one has nothing to do with the other.

 

Obviously he knows he deserves you or he wouldn't have pursued you.

[compassion42]

I had an ex who would say the exact same thing to me "I don't deserve you" or "you're too good for me" and I would say that it wasn't true.

In retrospect, I wish I had listened to him because what he said was the truth.