Extreme family drama (LONG)

[amelia0801]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this board and I really need some advice about what's been going on in my life these past few weeks. Let me start off by saying that I'm 24, happily married, and while my hubby and I have our ups and downs just like every relationship does, usually everything seems to be great, that is until my parents (specifically my mom) decide to pry or butt in to our business.

 

However, in this case, the drama is not really centered around me or my relationship, but instead around my younger sisters who are now 18 and 20. Before I continue, I have to say that I come from a very strict, overprotective, controlling family who centers everything around what other people think about them. Unfortunately, this is how my parents were raised, therefore they practiced this kind of parenting with us.

 

Anyways, my younger sisters, for at least the last couple of years, have been totally out of control. I'm talking drugs, drinking, hanging out with a bad crowd, lying, smoking, and the list goes on. Problem is they're doing this while living under my parent's roof and they are basically taking advantage of all the things my parents provide for them. A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine brought to my attention a website that my sisters made profiles on which showed pictures and had blogs showing and describing all the things they've been up to. Although I was somewhat aware of what's been going on, seeing all this made it real for me and it also made me sick. As the older sister, I did what I thought would be best, and immediately informed my parents about this.

 

Needless to say, all hell broke lose in their home, and it ended with my sisters almost being kicked out. I've tried to stay out of it since then because I hate being in the middle of things and I also have my own problems to worry about. But because I love my family so much, I decided to write a long letter to my sisters explaining how I feel, instead of just ignoring them and I went to see my parents tonight to sort of talk things over. Let's just say, I came home feeling like things were even more unresolved than before. Basically this is how things went down:

 

1) I get there, sisters are hiding upstairs scared to face me, and parents are thinking of every subject to talk about other than the problem at hand. ( which is so like them to ignore the issue and pretend everythings ok)

 

2) I was then told, when it was FINALLY brought up, that giving my sisters a letter would just ignite the fire again, and I probably should just let things be, since they've been trying to work things out (excluding me of course).

 

3) They are still in denial about everything my sisters have done and unbelievably making excuses for some of their actions, including saying that they are mentally ill (which I know for a fact is not true and I'm not being insensitive).

 

4) They're pissed that my friend informed me about the website saying she shouldn't be prying and she should be paying more attention to her own problems! Completely dismissing the fact that my SISTERS are the ones who made the poor decision of displaying all their dirt on the internet!

 

5) I told them Christmas this year is not gonna be the same cuz I can't act fake and pretend to be friendly with my sisters just to avoid tension. To sum it up, I was told that I should be the bigger person and be nice at least untill the holidays are over! Then when I told them I'm not buying the girls gifts this year, my dad said that wasn't nice. Although it's not in my nature to be so mean, I don't think they deserve it!

 

6) Lastly, this is huge to me because it starts interfering with the relationship between my husband and I. They told to to MAKE SURE not to share any of this info with my hubby (as if he's an outsider) just to avoid more humiliation! Of course I tell my husband everything, he has the right to know what goes on in my life and he is family right? Well obviously my parents are too proud to see it that way. What do they expect? For my hubby to come over and act like he's completely unaware of the situation? Please! I know my mom would never lie or keep things from my dad, so how dare they ask me to do that to my husband?

 

To top this all off, they had the nerve to start asking me about my finances and other personal stuff to which I replied "That's private and I don't wanna discuss it!" I forgot what they said but they were very condescending.

 

So now my problem is, how do I deal with this? After telling my husband everything, he doesn't even want to go to my parents for Christmas and my dad said that if we don't show up, he'll never be the same again. Can we say pressure? I'm stuck in the middle. I feel like I'm the bad one in all this, even though I know that isn't true, but that's the way they make me feel. All this guilt they're putting on me and trying to make me act like nothing ever happened..I'm starting to feel like I'm gonna lose control. Sometimes, I can't stand my parents!

 

Any advice would be appreciated and again, I'm sorry this is so long!

[amaysngrace]

Your sisters are 18 and 20. They are adults and can do what they like.

 

Ratting them out to your parents was creepy. It's not your business. Just like your parents overstepped their boundaries when they asked about your finances, you did the same thing when you chimed in about your sisters.

 

I would buy them presents. They've done nothing wrong to you. If anyone should be mad it should be them. Instead they are scared of you.

 

What's that tell you?

[Citizen Erased]

Your sisters are 18 and 20. They are adults and can do what they like.

 

Ratting them out to your parents was creepy. It's not your business. Just like your parents overstepped their boundaries when they asked about your finances, you did the same thing when you chimed in about your sisters.

 

I would buy them presents. They've done nothing wrong to you. If anyone should be mad it should be them. Instead they are scared of you.

 

What's that tell you?

 

Could not agree with you more. What a ****ty thing to do quite frankly. It is not your place. Let your parents handle the parenting side and you be their sister. Because if things ever get so bad they can't turn to your parents wouldn't you feel much better they feel they can turn to you.

 

They didn't do anything to you personally, punishing them by not buying them presents is very immature IMO. Again, let your parents handle this. Your life will be much more pleasant if in future you don't meddle.

[amelia0801]

First yes, you're right, they are 18 and 20. However, they are still living under my parents roof, still getting all their bills paid by them, etc. In our culture, age doesn't mean anything. My parents were not completely naive to whats been going on and like I said, this has been an ongoing problem.

 

I tried to step in many times before out of concern for my sisters. I tried to keep it between us. However, when that doesn't work, what does a person do? I brought it to my parents attention this time (after keeping it from them so many other times) because I was fed up about my parents being taken advantage of and most importantly, I'm scared for the safety of my sisters. Especially when they're dragging my 14 year old sister into their BS (i.e. taking her along to pick up weed from dangerous places)! So before you insult me and call me creepy, why don't you see what you would do when your little sisters are in trouble. Age doesn't mean that you're mature enough to make the right decisions. I tried to look at it that way and say, "ok they're adults, what they do is their business"...in our family, it's not that easy and this is exactly why I came here for advice. And yes, they've done a lot to me...I just didn't feel it was necessary to reveal every single detail about what's been done. What would have been a better choice..to wait till one of them gets raped or killed and then say "I should have said something?" I don't think so.

[amelia0801]

Also let me add that I've always been a great sister to them. Always there to give advice, take them out, covered for them to keep them from getting into trouble, and most of all, even though you're already judging me by what I've said, stayed out of their business. Unfortunately, everytime something went down, my mom would pick up the phone and call ME! Always putting me in the middle even when I said it wasn't my concern. I'm in no way trying to be my sisters parents, but at the same time I love them too much and I refuse to let something horrible happen to them.

[amaysngrace]

What would have been a better choice..to wait till one of them gets raped or killed and then say "I should have said something?" I don't think so.

 

Yes you are driven by drama. I can sense it in your words. If you have a real concern for them and they won't get help and your parents don't do anything about it then you should call an authority.

 

You are not that authority unless you have a background in narcotics.

 

But if you're serious about your concerns then take them seriously. Don't say something...DO something.

[amelia0801]

Okay I have to add this because it might shed some more light on why things went down the way they did. I come from a middle eastern background. My parents have held on to their old-fashioned values and morals and everything about their lives centers around family reputation and honor. Yes, they brought us up here and we've had our share of arguments over the years about why they didn't just have us live in their country if they wanted us to be so sheltered and so on. But in the end, that doesn't matter. Age doesn't mean anything to them, like I stated before...unfortuantely, all they care about is not being humiliated in front of our family. Sex before marriage is seen as one of the worst things that a girl can do (yes, guys are treated differently).

 

As much as I don't agree with all of this,as the oldest sister, I'm expected to help them out as much as I can. It's not fun for me. I don't like being the bad one. But when a family member comes to me and says, I found this, or I saw your sisters doing this...the only thing I could think of was my parents. They would've died if someone else came to them with this info. I know it sounds melodramatic to someone who's not used to this kind of upbringing, but sadly, that's how things are in our culture. My parents are very judgemental and that's rubbed off on all of us in some way. For me, I've developed social anxiety from growing up this way, so even reading some of your responses has been hard for me.

[amaysngrace]

I agree it wasn't fair that you were placed in the middle of all this. But it sounds like the situation has gotten out of control.

 

They use to come to you to hide things for them and now your mom has somehow made you be the bad guy. You probably just want to be their sister again. But you have a loyalty to your mom.

 

I know it sounds horrible but your mom should know what to do in this situation and not rely on you for advice about it. That sounds backwards. And she's placed you in an awkward position.

 

If I were you I'd be more of a sister than a second mother right now. I think you would have a better shot of getting through to them if you act like a friend to them rather than another parent.

 

Hopefully your mom will understand that.

[oldernwiser]

Your sisters are 18 and 20. They are adults and can do what they like.

 

Ratting them out to your parents was creepy. It's not your business. Just like your parents overstepped their boundaries when they asked about your finances, you did the same thing when you chimed in about your sisters.

 

I would buy them presents. They've done nothing wrong to you. If anyone should be mad it should be them. Instead they are scared of you.

 

What's that tell you?

 

Sorry, but I don't entirely agree with the "ratting out" part of your message. If the sisters are indulging in dangerous behaviour (and it sounds like they were) then Sister did the right thing - partially. How's that for fence sitting? Posting stuff on the internet can be foolish and dangerous and I think Sis may have headed off a larger problem.

 

I do think Sis may have been better confronting her sisters privately. Tell them to knock off the behaviour and tell them how dangerous it is. Sisters are living under the parents roof and therefore subject to parental rules. Don't like the rules? Get your own place. Discussion ends at that point. Revisit the issue if the sisters continue to be stupid, but go at them with proper ammunition, like facts about the dangers of Internet stupidity.

 

The fact they have done nothing wrong to big Sis isn't really the issue here to me. The entire idea they are indulging in risky behaviour needed to be addressed. Although I would have done it without parental involvement, given the parents' ideas it was a sure bet they would behave the way they did.

[Always Wrong]

That's weird... untill amelia0801 said middle eastern, I thought we had the same parents.

 

Doesn't matter what's going on... nobody likes a rat.

 

Confront them as a worried sister, express heartfelt concern, even cry to them if you feel it may have an impact. Do "NOT" call the cops! Felonies on their records will ruin their lives. But do something!!!

 

Spend the money on professional intervention if you feel it's necessary, but if you think calling the cops is the way to go, consider this from a financial perspective:

 

If narcotics are involved they will be arrested and jailed.

Unless you are going to leave them in jail until their court date, which could be months, you will need to bail them out... $$$.

If you post bond you can't qualify for a public defender, so you will be forced to hire your own attorney... $$$.

This first encounter with the law if narcotics are involved could cost you twenty thousand... $$$ per person... depending on the circumstances, and you may not be able to get it expunged if those "unseen" people involved, elevate their case up to conspiracy to distribute.

 

If you have a problem with a loved one, for "The God of Your Choice" sake, don't call law enforcement. Call a professional counselor FIRST.

 

If that fails, and you are in fear for their lives, then you may be forced to call the law to get them away from their source. But remember, nomatter where you go in this world, there is a source, even in prison, if you are looking for it... and sometimes even when you're not.

 

May God and all the powers of the universe help you through this.

Edited January 8, 2008 by Always Wrong
clarification

[carrotgirl]

Okay I have to add this because it might shed some more light on why things went down the way they did. I come from a middle eastern background. My parents have held on to their old-fashioned values and morals and everything about their lives centers around family reputation and honor. Yes, they brought us up here and we've had our share of arguments over the years about why they didn't just have us live in their country if they wanted us to be so sheltered and so on. But in the end, that doesn't matter. Age doesn't mean anything to them, like I stated before...unfortuantely, all they care about is not being humiliated in front of our family. Sex before marriage is seen as one of the worst things that a girl can do (yes, guys are treated differently).

 

As much as I don't agree with all of this,as the oldest sister, I'm expected to help them out as much as I can. It's not fun for me. I don't like being the bad one. But when a family member comes to me and says, I found this, or I saw your sisters doing this...the only thing I could think of was my parents. They would've died if someone else came to them with this info. I know it sounds melodramatic to someone who's not used to this kind of upbringing, but sadly, that's how things are in our culture. My parents are very judgemental and that's rubbed off on all of us in some way. For me, I've developed social anxiety from growing up this way, so even reading some of your responses has been hard for me.

Ahh, yah. I imagine it's very difficult for people who don't have this, or a similar, background to understand.

 

Amelia, it's hard to feel like you're being badly critical and at the same that you're exercising your best judgment. I really understand this. How is this for old fashioned? Many of my relatives have arranged marriages. Yah. No kidding. Though in my family a man who engages in sexual activity outside of marriage is not exactly applauded, but or a woman? Unacceptable. Punishable by virtual stoning or at least, very real shunning.

 

I've been there so I understand that it's not exactly you being intolerant. It's more like worry for your whole family's well-being.

 

I won't insult you by saying it's misplaced either. I have to be mindful even of the clothes I wear when visiting family. Is it modest enough? While at the same time is it fashionable and attractive enough to look good to a man? Or a prospective mother in law? (Since I'm still single and at my advanced age, am the oldest living or not for that matter family member who has never wed. )

 

For you folks who don't have the experience, on behalf of Amelia, I'll venture that unless married, young women mostly live with their families and are considered to be after a fashion, perpetual children, not having entered true womanhood through marriage and child-bearing. So even at their seeming mature age by western standards, Amelia's sisters are probably not considered to be adult at all.

 

If they're anything like my family, Amelia's sisters probably are seemingly (and the seeming part is key) bringing some factor of shame on their family's reputation. On their parents for raising them so poorly, on their whole family for allowing this, on some past fault of an ancestor - you'd be surprised at what gets invoked in the name of preserving face. Or seeming to. What many families don't know until so much later is that so many others have the same or worse issues.

 

So my advice to you Amelia is to just let it all go for a while. You did the best you could at the time to protect your family. Now it's time to gather that strength inward. Concentrate on your immediate family. Give extra to your husband. Make sure your energy is focused on you and then him for a while. Ignore your mum and dad as best you can. Here's what you tell your mum - it's inarguable. Trust me. Tell your mum, "I love you and I want to help out but I really need to pay attention to my husband. We want to start a family." If you already have kids - just tell her you want another. You won't have to say more.

 

Give it some time and space. And if possible, try not to worry so much about your sisters, not because they aren't worth it but because no matter what you do, they WILL still lead their own lives. Fr what it's worth, I think you acted with everyone's best intentions but you know what? Good or bad - they have to figure their goals out for themselves. There is a destiny for every one. Your sisters will find theirs.

 

Chirrup,

Carrot