Author forbidden fruit Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 See your marriage is still second to the man across the street, now who is wanting someone to pay a higher price? You are entitled to your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 See your marriage is still second to the man across the street, now who is wanting someone to pay a higher price? Bent, You know what? I disagree with you! I think FF is over the loving and adoring feeling's she had for this mm. She's at the anger stage and believe me I know how tough it is when your mad that the mm got away scott free and he happen's to reside nextdoor to you, it's a VERY, VERY hard on a person, I know I was there!!! Mine got away without our ea affecting his life one bit unlike my life, I told the truth and have suffered through much hardship with my H as a result of it. FF, Hang in there! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 And you are also entitled to your opinion. Because I know we all answer for our actions, he isn't going to get away with anything. He just isn't suffering the way she thinks he should. Or at the time that she thinks he should. She wants him to stop being friendly with her BS, there is one surefire way to do that. She wants him to suffer the consequences of his actions, that bird can be killed with the same stone. If his wife knew, he would suffer. But alas, she has made her choice and no one or nothing will change her mind. It takes a lot to put your @$$ on the line for someone else. Some of us aren't there yet. Bent, I did not mean to be so harsh on you, as I am a little angry myself with the xmm thing today after some thing I saw the otherday. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 SLAAAAAAAP ! I did that because I care about you, now wake up baby and take your life back, I have and it feels WONDERFUL ! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 No offense taken. Just as no one can change my mind about what I believe, I know I can't change any minds about what others believe. I respect your pain and am sorry if I contributed to it. Bent, Were good! Like I said I have a little anger right now for a scenerio I saw the other day. I guess mm's Daughter has some what new friend with a very attractive mother. I happened to be outside fixing one of my snow pople when I see this mother pull into there driveway and drop off the daughter. MM comes flying out of the house and I over heard the flirting going on. It upset me because when he flirted with me long ago and during the ea, I felt special. Seeing that was a reminder of just how used I was, I still struggle with that. Funny thing is his W was right in the house. Can hardly believe he act's this way with his W around, so much disrepect. Thank's for hearinf me out. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 The hardest thing right now for me is watching that smug sob across the street thinking he got away scot free. Sorry may not be healthy,but it is how I feel and it does not mean I can do anything about it. I am not sure that living well is the best revenge, because that a*** does not care about me living well. I right now can buy into that. I think it is a coping method that people tell other people so they don't feel so bad about being betrayed and abused. I don't think people like my xmm care either way. But, FF, just because you feel he hasn't paid his dues and you feel he got away scot free, he hasn't. HE has to live with the guilt, the lies as well. HE was a part of the A too, so ofcourse he is feeling a loss as well. He just handles it differently from you and that is something you don't like. You want to see him suffer - Well, he IS suffering because YOU are in NC with him. Also you said: "I am sure BNB wants me to pay a bigger price, but I can assure her where I am right now would be no better for me, my H or my kids then if I told him." Maybe he feels the same way, to a lesser extent. I mean, in all honesty, you have no clue what him and his wife have talked about. For all you know he's told her abit about the EA too, and has no problem with you talking to her H. Just like your H has no problem talking to him, or if you wanted to talk to him...I hope this makes sense. It isn't up to you now to decide what price he pays...Each of you have paid the price but in two different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 Xmm's wife dropped off a xmas card so it killed me, but I did the same. I hate this. I hate him for not being a mature man. Yes we made a mistake but he plays game like tit for tat. Since I have been in NC at first he was nice trying to get me to be his friend now he knows I am serious he is being a jerk. What did I expect, right? He thinks if he gets me mad enough i will cave, but hell will freeze over before that happens. NC all the way. Hey just needed to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 Mistake???? Okay life alterating , heart crushing, mind numbing, selfish, immature, horrible mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 *SLAP* *KICK in the butt* I think he knows, from your attitude, that he is piss*ng you off.. and he likes it... Sometimes we can tell when someone 'fake' the 'nonchalant' attitude and when it is just to put up a front. He knows that I'm sure. Avoid him as much as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Question...in your mind, what would it take so that you could have closure and move on from this "mistake?" Would you feel happier if you could erase the guilt from your life? Would you feel better if you saw him hurt from this affair? Would you be happier if his wife divorced him? Would you be happier if he came over and apologized or asked you to forgive him? Or perhaps you would be happy if he asked you to become involved with him, so that you could reject him as he rejected you? Think...what would it take? Maybe this will help give you closure if you had some goals to reach. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 Question...in your mind, what would it take so that you could have closure and move on from this "mistake?" Would you feel happier if you could erase the guilt from your life? Would you feel better if you saw him hurt from this affair? Would you be happier if his wife divorced him? Would you be happier if he came over and apologized or asked you to forgive him? Or perhaps you would be happy if he asked you to become involved with him, so that you could reject him as he rejected you? Think...what would it take? Maybe this will help give you closure if you had some goals to reach. FF, This is a great post. Listen to James. He offer's great advice and could assit you well. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 14, 2007 Author Share Posted December 14, 2007 Question...in your mind, what would it take so that you could have closure and move on from this "mistake?" Would you feel happier if you could erase the guilt from your life? Would you feel better if you saw him hurt from this affair? Would you be happier if his wife divorced him? Would you be happier if he came over and apologized or asked you to forgive him? Or perhaps you would be happy if he asked you to become involved with him, so that you could reject him as he rejected you? Think...what would it take? Maybe this will help give you closure if you had some goals to reach. I would have to say all of the above, bu not one of those is going to happen. Had I do reach those goals if achieving them is out of my hands. i ran into agin today and simply ignored him and walked past him. I think he was waiting for me to come up to him, but I didn't and when he saw I was not going to react to him, he fishtailed out of the parking lot. Real mature. Anyways I have been mad all day and just started crying out of the blue. I am so tired of feeling upset and angry when it comes to this situation. It affects every aspect of my life. James as a guy does it really bother him that I am ignoring him because that is the closest thing to closure I have? I am worn out physically an dmentally from this thing and then there is xmm just gleefully living his life. ugh!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 Anyways I have been mad all day and just started crying out of the blue. I am so tired of feeling upset and angry when it comes to this situation. It affects every aspect of my life. James as a guy does it really bother him that I am ignoring him because that is the closest thing to closure I have? Only that the door is shut. Otherwise... he doesnt care too much. You don't want him now... but you wanted him then. He knows that if he put in the work... you'd be his again. He proved himself to be better than your husband... in the end that's what matters to him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 14, 2007 Author Share Posted December 14, 2007 Only that the door is shut. Otherwise... he doesnt care too much. You don't want him now... but you wanted him then. He knows that if he put in the work... you'd be his again. He proved himself to be better than your husband... in the end that's what matters to him! I on't understand what you are saying. Is this this suppossed to make me feel better or worse about my situation because I am in no mood for worse. Please explain. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 I would have to say all of the above, but not one of those is going to happen. Anyways I have been mad all day and just started crying out of the blue. I am so tired of feeling upset and angry when it comes to this situation. It affects every aspect of my life. James as a guy does it really bother him that I am ignoring him because that is the closest thing to closure I have? I am worn out physically and mentally from this thing and then there is xmm just gleefully living his life. ugh!!!! That is what I thought. And you are right...those things won't happen. So, somehow you will need to decide realistically what will help you move on. From what you are describing and from what I would feel as a guy who was your MM and can no longer persuade you to participate in an affair with me/him, yes, it would really bother my ego that I no longer have the ability to "make" you lust after me. And I mean this. I think that all of his actions are all intended to get some reaction from you. He wants to have that feeling that you do think he is pretty special. He wants to know that you are pining away for him. So, when you hide those feelings of anger and feeling from him, you are in his mind rejecting him every time. If he no longer cared, he would simply say hello to you and continue on as he would for any other person. But no, he acts a certain way in the hope that you will still "massage" his ego by showing that inside you really want him...because (in his mind) HE is a stud. As for the best closure for you, IMO, I think you are going to have to tell your husband the complete story at some point. While I can understand you fears, you will always have this guilt inside regarding this MM and the possibility that he may somehow (or someone else may) purposefully or accidentally tell about your affair with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 I on't understand what you are saying. Is this this suppossed to make me feel better or worse about my situation because I am in no mood for worse. Please explain. Yes... You do understand what I'm saying. I'm not trying to make you feel better or worse... I'm giving you the straight poop! See what JamesM said above. He is mostly right on this, but it's a touch more complex than that. Yes, as I said this guy does care that you have shut the door on him and braced yourself against it. When you ignore him, it hurts his ego. Plain and simple. He knows why your upset... he knows why you ignore him. He chose his wife over you. I'm telling you right now! You are chasing after a false closure. You can not heal, until you have disclosure first. Yes... You can not heal! Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 Yes... You do understand what I'm saying. I'm not trying to make you feel better or worse... I'm giving you the straight poop! See what JamesM said above. He is mostly right on this, but it's a touch more complex than that. Yes, as I said this guy does care that you have shut the door on him and braced yourself against it. When you ignore him, it hurts his ego. Plain and simple. He knows why your upset... he knows why you ignore him. He chose his wife over you. I'm telling you right now! You are chasing after a false closure. You can not heal, until you have disclosure first. Yes... You can not heal! Correction he chose his wife's money over me. i am sad today pretty much the way I have been for the last two years. It is like I have died to him and I now I am doing the same thing, but just seeing him everyday does not make the pain go away. I envy the ow who have their xmm's live far away. I am being honest. I miss hanging out with him and doing things with him. Imiss the way he made me laugh, but do I want him back they way he is absolutely not. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 Correction he chose his wife's money over me. i am sad today pretty much the way I have been for the last two years. It is like I have died to him and I now I am doing the same thing, but just seeing him everyday does not make the pain go away. I envy the ow who have their xmm's live far away. I am being honest. I miss hanging out with him and doing things with him. Imiss the way he made me laugh, but do I want him back they way he is absolutely not. I'm not here to flame you. But I'm wondering why you just don't tell your husband the whole truth, put the house up for sale and move far away from the OM. You know this is a mess you and OM made, so why not try and fix it by coming clean and moving on? I don't think you can go on much longer like this, it seems to be eating you up inside and thats not good for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 The part of this that stood out for me, was "Do I want him back they way he is, absolutely not. That implies that if he were to change to meet your needs and expectations, you WOULD take him back. You are still emotionally involved with this man. How can you move on and make a marriage work while in the back of your mind thinking "if only" or " I am so pissed at you"? It isn't possible. And your husband still gets the short end of the stick. Whether you tell him the whole truth or not, he will eventually feel that you are still holding a piece of yourself away from him, because it is still reserved for the MM. This post and BNB's previous post are very insightful... Especially in light of FF's quote that he chose his W over her, because of money... Whatever his reason, he chose to stay with his W...Just like you, FF chose to stay with your H...You're still invested in him or you wouldn't be making these statements (you wouldn't want him the way he is, etc.)... You're mad that he didn't leave his W for you when you were ready to leave your H...and that's the bottom line...You'll never get over him as long as you fan the fire of your anger... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 It affects every aspect of my life Only you can change that, he certainly can't. FF, I know this is very difficult for you, the whole letting go process, but until you decide you don't want him anymore, at all - This is how it will be. If he was the man you fell for, you'd take him back, yes? Because of this, that is WHY you can't let go because somewhere in you still, you want him, the friendship, and want to experience how he made you feel. Problem is, that is never going to happen. Somehow you just need to keep on telling yourself it is over, and spending all this time, energy, thought on him is pointless and doesn't serve you in a positive way. It's ruining your life! I am sure your husband can see this as well, you can't hide misery...Sooner or later he will put two and two together. Correction he chose his wife's money over me. i am sad today pretty much the way I have been for the last two years. It is like I have died to him and I now I am doing the same thing, but just seeing him everyday does not make the pain go away. I envy the ow who have their xmm's live far away. I am being honest. I miss hanging out with him and doing things with him. Imiss the way he made me laugh, but do I want him back they way he is absolutely not. Maybe it would be best if you moved. You can't go on living like this unless you do the changes necessary to get over all this. And, as for him, you have NO idea what he thinks most of the time, or what he does/doesn't do behind closed doors. Maybe to him, you ignoring him makes him feel like to you, HE'S dead. At the end of the day, be blessed you have your husband, your kids and family intact. It could be worse.... Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Correction he chose his wife's money over me. i am sad today pretty much the way I have been for the last two years. It is like I have died to him and I now I am doing the same thing, but just seeing him everyday does not make the pain go away. I envy the ow who have their xmm's live far away. I am being honest. I miss hanging out with him and doing things with him. Imiss the way he made me laugh, but do I want him back they way he is absolutely not. I'm not sure you really understand what's going on. You need to fix the relationship with your husband. Thats where this started, that is where this will end. You need to be able to do the part I underlined with your H. The problem is... if your H became the man you need and want, if your even halfway human the guilt and the lies will eat your soul. So healing must start with the full truth. Then you have something to build on. Either your H will step up and be the man you desire... or you can leave him. BTW... he chose her, not just her money. Its a package deal and you know it. I cant choose a woman's face but not her feet... they are attached. Plus... this hurts so much because you have a void... and without filling that void you can't let go. 2 years! 2 bloody years! How long is it going to take to realize that time doesnt just heal all wounds? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Bent Your post about the contradictions was dead on. Cobra Your post about the things that need to happen and be accepted by FF is dead on as well. I wonder how long FF is going to be in denial and driving away everyone IRL because she doesn't want to admit the truth to herself. No one talks this much about someone that they don't still have some feelings for. Why should the MM have to suffer anything when FF isn't really suffering anything in her M as well - besides not having MM anymore. Cobra said he stayed for her, not just her money. So true. It IS a package deal. I think FF is suffering from the rejection of it all, not so much the fact that he hasn't lost anything. She feels that she has lost something and someone other than her has to "pay" for "her" loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Cobra said he stayed for her, not just her money. So true. It IS a package deal. I think FF is suffering from the rejection of it all, not so much the fact that he hasn't lost anything. She feels that she has lost something and someone other than her has to "pay" for "her" loss. Yes! Compound that with the wedge the guilt and lies create between her and the rest of the world. That generates a feeling of lonliness and disconnect. For someone like FF who needs intimacy... it's sheer pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Correction he chose his wife's money over me. i am sad today pretty much the way I have been for the last two years. It is like I have died to him and I now I am doing the same thing, but just seeing him everyday does not make the pain go away. I envy the ow who have their xmm's live far away. I am being honest. I miss hanging out with him and doing things with him. Imiss the way he made me laugh, but do I want him back they way he is absolutely not. FF, You know I feel for you! I thought you said your H was the long term guy here? If that's the case then why is it hard for him to make you feel the thing's that xmm did? Do you have a good friend who can make you laugh? Someone who can lift you up a bit why you sort out your marriage? What about MC? Sorry for the 20 question's here but I would love to try and help you out of all this if I can. Hug's! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 FF, You know I feel for you! I thought you said your H was the long term guy here? If that's the case then why is it hard for him to make you feel the thing's that xmm did? Do you have a good friend who can make you laugh? Someone who can lift you up a bit why you sort out your marriage? What about MC? Sorry for the 20 question's here but I would love to try and help you out of all this if I can. Hug's! AP:) AP, Well put, this is exactly the puzzle that needs to be solved. Link to post Share on other sites
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