Author forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 AP, Well put, this is exactly the puzzle that needs to be solved. Wow talk about being ganged up on. First off you guys have psychoanalyzed me to death. Second I get what you are saying and most of it is right except for a few facts. Second my xmm is a narcissitic and if you don't know anything about them, then what i am going through is because of my relationship with one. Whether I am married or not even a friendship with a narcissitic is a horrible experience for anyone. They devalue and discard you and that is what I allowed to happen for two years. So when I finally said no more he did not know what to do. So I am doing what is the hardest thing for anyone involved with a narcissitic to do is NC him. Yes he is acting the way he is acting because I am no longer supply. So while I don't want him back in my life I am repairing damage I allowed him to do to me. For him as a N he has no emotions or empathy so it doesn't matter to him. Someone once told me he needs a primary supply which was me and a secondary which was is wife. It is not as cut and dry as you all want it to be. Tell my H is all you are saying. There is so much more to this than that. You can stop prescribing me that advice. While I would most definately would tell my H if I thought it would help our M. However I believe it won't and it will destroy my kids. Everyone makes mistakes and choices. My choice was wrong to cheat on my H and not being mature enough to deal with our problems. My mistake was getting involved with a N. You bet i want xmm to see what he done , but I know he does not care about what he has done to me or for that matter his W and kids because he feels like nothing he has done is wrong. You know how I know because if I called him right now after everything that has happened and told him to meet me at a hotel. He would be there without blinking an eye. Oh I would have to tell him I will not ask him to change his lifestyle, but he would be there. So for all the BS out there yes that Bent what you would have done in your siituation is not the same solution for everyone. Maybe it is the right thing do or not it is still my life and my choice. So please if you guys want to help. Help me recover from dealing with a N who lives next and let me heal so that I can give my H 100% of what he deserves. Time does heal all wounds, but give me a break it has not been enough time and I haven't healed completely. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 If he is truly a Narcissist, you are wasting your time in wanting him to pay for anything. It is YOU that will have to figure something out on healing you. I have dealt with a Narcissist. If you want for him to feel something, cut off his supply. Stop reacting. You think he doesn't see you crying in your car, think again. You think he doesn't know how he affects you still, think again. I don't think you have been ganged up on at all. I think you just don't like what others are saying. Its normal to feel that way when you feel misunderstood. You are wasting your precious energy and thoughts on a Narcissist. He isn't worth it. When you are there main supply, they make you feel like you are on top of the world - with the exception of the constant little sly digs they throw into conversation. You aren't going to get a rise out of him. Stop trying. He will always get a rise out of you because you can't understand how uncaring he really is. Ignore him. Work on indifference. And if worst comes to worst, find a new home. And thank your lucky stars that you aren't his poor wife. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 So when I finally said no more he did not know what to do. So I am doing what is the hardest thing for anyone involved with a narcissitic to do is NC him. Yes he is acting the way he is acting because I am no longer supply. So while I don't want him back in my life I am repairing damage I allowed him to do to me. For him as a N he has no emotions or empathy so it doesn't matter to him. Someone once told me he needs a primary supply which was me and a secondary which was is wife. It is not as cut and dry as you all want it to be. Tell my H is all you are saying. There is so much more to this than that. You can stop prescribing me that advice. While I would most definately would tell my H if I thought it would help our M. However I believe it won't and it will destroy my kids. Everyone makes mistakes and choices. My choice was wrong to cheat on my H and not being mature enough to deal with our problems. My mistake was getting involved with a N. You bet i want xmm to see what he done , but I know he does not care about what he has done to me or for that matter his W and kids because he feels like nothing he has done is wrong. No one is ganging up on you...You just seem to direct everything to MM and not on yourself... How is MM NPD, but you're not? Haven't you done to your H exactly what MM has done to you? He chooses not to tell his W just like you do not choose to tell your H the whole truth...yet you hold MM to a higher standard...Do you see how contradictory this is? You need to stop with the NPD...YOU BOTH CHOSE TO PURSUE AN AFFAIR WITH EACH OTHER...You wanted to leave your H and stay with him and he wanted to stay with his W...That's where all of this is coming from...Rejection is hard, but you need to stop obsessing...One day your H may tire of it and then you won't even have him to fall back on... If you're not willing to come clean with your H, why should he come clean with his W? I hope you don't take this post the wrong way...I have only your best interest in mind... Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 what is NPD? I'm sorry, I'm following this post with interest, and I apologize for having not much to add...but I think I can learn from this. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 what is NPD? Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Wow talk about being ganged up on. First off you guys have psychoanalyzed me to death. Second I get what you are saying and most of it is right except for a few facts. Second my xmm is a narcissitic and if you don't know anything about them, then what i am going through is because of my relationship with one. Whether I am married or not even a friendship with a narcissitic is a horrible experience for anyone. They devalue and discard you and that is what I allowed to happen for two years. So when I finally said no more he did not know what to do. So I am doing what is the hardest thing for anyone involved with a narcissitic to do is NC him. Yes he is acting the way he is acting because I am no longer supply. So while I don't want him back in my life I am repairing damage I allowed him to do to me. For him as a N he has no emotions or empathy so it doesn't matter to him. Someone once told me he needs a primary supply which was me and a secondary which was is wife. It is not as cut and dry as you all want it to be. Tell my H is all you are saying. There is so much more to this than that. You can stop prescribing me that advice. While I would most definately would tell my H if I thought it would help our M. However I believe it won't and it will destroy my kids. Everyone makes mistakes and choices. My choice was wrong to cheat on my H and not being mature enough to deal with our problems. My mistake was getting involved with a N. You bet i want xmm to see what he done , but I know he does not care about what he has done to me or for that matter his W and kids because he feels like nothing he has done is wrong. You know how I know because if I called him right now after everything that has happened and told him to meet me at a hotel. He would be there without blinking an eye. Oh I would have to tell him I will not ask him to change his lifestyle, but he would be there. So for all the BS out there yes that Bent what you would have done in your siituation is not the same solution for everyone. Maybe it is the right thing do or not it is still my life and my choice. So please if you guys want to help. Help me recover from dealing with a N who lives next and let me heal so that I can give my H 100% of what he deserves. Time does heal all wounds, but give me a break it has not been enough time and I haven't healed completely. Ok then what are you doing to give your H 100% of what he deserves? Cause IMOP the Truth is what he deserves. I am trying to help FF. not ganging up, you know that's not how I am. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Thanks for the answers. Carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 No one is ganging up on you...You just seem to direct everything to MM and not on yourself... How is MM NPD, but you're not? Haven't you done to your H exactly what MM has done to you? He chooses not to tell his W just like you do not choose to tell your H the whole truth...yet you hold MM to a higher standard...Do you see how contradictory this is? You need to stop with the NPD...YOU BOTH CHOSE TO PURSUE AN AFFAIR WITH EACH OTHER...You wanted to leave your H and stay with him and he wanted to stay with his W...That's where all of this is coming from...Rejection is hard, but you need to stop obsessing...One day your H may tire of it and then you won't even have him to fall back on... If you're not willing to come clean with your H, why should he come clean with his W? I hope you don't take this post the wrong way...I have only your best interest in mind... Very well said. Its the point of everyone's posts that have said to stop focusing on him. Rejection IS hard. And so is jealousy. Its common for us to react in jealousy, but not want to admit it. It would be so nice for FF to stop obsessing about what this man has or hasn't told his W, or about what is or isn't going on in his home and marriage. The more she focuses on the man that IS there for her, the less concern she will have for her EX-mm. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Hi Chia, NPD is [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Google it. It's basically someone who is vain, egotistical, selfish, and very controlling. Like my H.[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 That sounds awful. I don't think I've ever met someone like that. I hope I never do. Sorry to t/j. Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 BNB, I wanted to PM you about something, but you don't have PMs enabled...I understand if you don't want to enable them but would you by any chance be willing to talk to me about something? Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 If you go to the My profile option at the top of the page, you should see options on the side for enabling your PMs. Thanks so much. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 If this man TRULY has NPD then nothing will ever get to him, as most likely he will be unable to excperience empathy. However with him chucking things under your door for you to read I would suggest that he is trying to get to you - trying to get a rise out of you, trying to regain his control - so he cares in some way. If he dosent have NPD and has a decent bone in his body then most likely somewhere inside he will feel crap. He knows what a jerk he is even if his wife dosent. His life is based on a pack of lies. His wifes opinion of him is based on lies. She dosent know who he is. You do. Use that knowledge to empower yourself to keep NC. So what that you still care, your only human. Dont beat your self up about it. I cant imagine how hard it must be to live in such close proximity to this man. In the new year I am joining the gym. If I were you I'd be tempted to take up jogging and jog past his house looking **** hot everyday!! That will bug the life out of him, oh I know thats not going to help you get him out of your head, but I dont think that will happen untill it "happens". JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Sure how do I enable it? Go under your profile and go to enable pm's... Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 It didn't work! I'll try again later. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Originally posted by Bentnotbroken> Don't forget passive aggressive. You're not kidding! 100 percent of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Thanks, I think I got it. We'll see shortly. Click on your profile then click on options. You can enable private messages from there. Link to post Share on other sites
kchiapet95 Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Got it and replied! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Wow talk about being ganged up on. First off you guys have psychoanalyzed me to death. Second I get what you are saying and most of it is right except for a few facts. Second my xmm is a narcissitic and if you don't know anything about them, then what i am going through is because of my relationship with one. For him as a N he has no emotions or empathy so it doesn't matter to him. Someone once told me he needs a primary supply which was me and a secondary which was is wife. It is not as cut and dry as you all want it to be. Tell my H is all you are saying. There is so much more to this than that. You can stop prescribing me that advice. While I would most definately would tell my H if I thought it would help our M. However I believe it won't and it will destroy my kids. Everyone makes mistakes and choices. My choice was wrong to cheat on my H and not being mature enough to deal with our problems. My mistake was getting involved with a N. Time does heal all wounds, but give me a break it has not been enough time and I haven't healed completely. Ok, fine. Don't tell your Husband. Thats only one step in this process anyway. Besides.... I think at this point I am fairly convinced that you may be able to just ignore what happened in the long run. Plus if your H gives you want I think your guilt will go away. Your MM is absolutely nothing special. He doesnt possess crazy attractive powers... most women wouldnt look twice at him. So... why are you so hung up on the guy? All that stuff you miss about him... those are things you should HAVE with your husband. So do you see whats wrong with this picture? I'm trying to get you to explain to me, what the problem is. I know what your looking for is emotional support. Yes, you need that, but your wrong when you say time heals all wounds. You must fill the hole in your heart first! Only then will you begin to heal. I say this from a place of compassion. I want to see you heal, I dont want to see you hurt! You must believe that! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 FF, I am sorry you are feeling picked on, you know everyone here cares and wants you to get over him and focus on your husband and making your marriage even better and stronger. Some may say it harshly, but we all do just want the best for you. Whether I am married or not even a friendship with a narcissitic is a horrible experience for anyone. Okay, you know he's narcissitic and N's are not life long partners unless you know how to deal with them and are very independant and never allow them to get to you or let have control over your feelings, so in the long run knowing this about him SHOULD explain alot about who he is and why things are the way they are. Bottomline, he is poison to you and unhealthy for you so make yourself get over him. Just continue to tell yourself HOURLY that you don't have any room for him in your heart anymore. Eventually you will feel the difference and what he does/says won't make a difference to you. He is a N and will never change. Not for you, his wife, his kids, for noone. He looks out for number one always. Yuck!! WHY on earth would you want a man like that? Think about it FF. Other than the fact he made you feel good, brought out feelings inside you that you haven't felt maybe ever, ALL of it was based on someone who he really isn't. I hope this is making sense to you. Hang in there, I know you can get past all this. Link to post Share on other sites
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