He was drunk--no more fears now!

[kitkat289]

Me and my ex talked to each other last night.We had a 2year LDR(our 1st ever relationship and an intense one,we still love each other)

 

He was drunk and called me even before than the time he had told me and I controlled my happiness and wasnt talking much as I was tired working till 3am on my thesis.

He was doing most of the talking,telling me how much he loves the feel of my soft hands and blah blah.(Iam his 1st everything and he's also my 1st everything) He was asking me if I remembered what we did when we had 1st got physical and other things.He also asked if I ever felt pressurised when I didnt want to go for oral...and told me that he wont have been physical with me if marriage wasnt on his mind and kept on blabbering.Basically he wanted to hug me he knew I wouldnt respond too well to all this and I just dealt it with sarcastic comments when he was getting emotional.I wanted to ask him "how would you forget me and those little moments if you keep thinking and asking me now?" but I thought it would suck saying anything negative at this moment so just got a bit carried away with his talks and just kept it light.I know he's still so much into me,only the temptation of contacting me has lessened and he confessed to me that he doesnt think of those days that much nowadays(since he does want to move on).

What shocked me to see was that he still saw a future of us.I told him I was worrying about the time he would be in my city after a month for a job.I had told him after our break-up that I would never meet him and even now I tell him the same.I said "I think Its like impossible that we wont meet when you are here....and I feel that we will meet and then things would start again and I also think that the commitment would also be there just like earlier.I dont know why and I dont want to mess up ever again in future...Dont you think it would be messy again?"

He said "Why do you think so?Would you be having a bf after a month or seeing someone?" I said "No, I'll never be in a relationship again.."

He said "so why do you worry so much?let things fall naturally and we do what your heart says.." I said "but seeing you would feel odd to me and I dont wanna mess up..." He said "You know sometimes I also feel like it could happen all over again...I lost my virginity with you and Iam soo proud of it...because you are my cutie and you are so caring,understanding...that was a wonderful time of my life."

And when I showed him that I was afraid of coming close to him again,he was telling me how much he actually wanted to see our future somewhere in his heart.Remember he was drunk and he was saying those words which he had never said lately but I know his feelings for me and I've been very confident even when at the times when he's made me feel terrible by not calling and keeping away.

As he was drunk I felt like asking him all those things that bother me.I said I didnt like it when he picks up my call and instead of saying 'hi' he 's like "yeh...say" and when last to last night he had told me that he had a headache and couldnt talk.He said "I was listening to my friend's problems and was really not in a mood to talk at that time...and blah blah" I told him that I had decided not to call him since I thought that I should know its over and we shoudltn talk so much.He didnt want me to do that.He kept telling me that Iam still the same for him and he can never want to go away from me....(drinking is good;))

 

I asked him about his best friend who had just patched up with his ex after 1 year of their break-up.I told him it was like unbelievable and asked him as to how was everything after the break-up and if they were friends still.He said "No..they werent friends after the break-up..."

I said "they werent friends?.....then enemies like you and me lol?"

he said "no..they were like us...friends cum gf-bf"

God it was weird but for the FIRST TIME...It was like I had got an ANSWER and like I had come close to knowing the name of the kind of relationship we are in right now!!

It felt so awesome to realise that he still wanted me.He told me when I didnt contact him he wondered if I had forgotten him.lol but he told me the opposite just 2 days ago that he hadnt thought of me much(lie).Didnt I point that out in my previous thread that I knew that was such a lie.

 

Now seriously I dont want to play any games with my heart and I would only hope I maintain a distance so that he comes running this time and sees our future together and be sure of it this time.

[sedgwick]

yay for you! i'm so happy to hear this. in a way i feel like my ex hates me and in another way i feel like he's the love of my life and he'll come around eventually. it's hard to think he just doesn't care. ah well...maybe what happened for you will happen for me, you never know!

[kitkat289]

hey thanks sedgwick...I;ve been readin ur posts n I feel that you are confident that he cannot find someone better than you and that he still loves you.Iam sure whatever you really feel is the real thing because irrespective of what the situation is I realise the answer lies in our own gut feeling.

Momets like these just make things better in a way that it boosted my self-esteem and made me have a little confidence in me again and the insecurities will take time.Well now doing NC would be easier and I wish I never look up to him for validation EVER again.