Use and betrayed. Oh well.

[Tempest]

[sIZE=2]Hello. I’m posting for the first time. I’m hoping someone can shed some light on a question I have. Don’t really know if I’m on the right forum, so I have posted it on another one as well.

 

But first of all, all my heartfelt best wishes to everyone on this board who is suffering. If I can give some advice back, I will.

 

So here’s my story. I’ll try and keep it short and to the point.

 

Four years ago I went through a bad break-up. My ex-boyfriend, for whom I had basically sacrificed everything, decided to desert me when I was told my dad was dying.

 

Half a year later, I met this new man. He had been cheated on by his longterm-girlfriend and he was pretty devastated. Both him and me were not really ready for a new relationship, but he pushed me really hard into giving it a go. Even though I had moved back to my home country and we were miles apart and I didn‘t see much point in it. I don’t think it ever really became a relationship, I’d like to think of it more as a very close friendship with in the beginning, the occasional s*** when we saw each other.

 

So for three and a half years I stood by this man through thick and thin. I was his shoulder to cry on, his crutch to lean on. Everytime when he was down (almost daily, mainly due to him feeling lonely, depressed, fed up with his work, midlife crisis etc. ), I’d spent ages on the phone with him, giving him my full attention and support. Needless to say, I didn’t get the same amount of support back. Whenever he had something better to do, he’d be off, not really concerned about me.

 

Anyway, last weekend it all came to a head. For various reasons I was very down and in a pretty bad way (doesn’t happen very often) and he fully knew this. Instead of being there for me, he spent his time with various friends and went to a housewarming-party, all while he knew I was pretty much going to pieces. I felt very betrayed by all this and told him not to bother me again. I get some emails from him, telling me how **** he has been, how he can’t handle people he cares about having a hard time and that he should have handled things differently and should have been there for me. So I forgive him.

 

Three days later he phones me and drops a bombshell. He tells me he has developed feelings for someone at work. Nothing has been going on yet, but he has told her I’m his best mate, that he won’t give up on his friendship with me and that he will continue phoning and seeing me. She is supposedly all right with this.

 

I feel I have been massively betrayed not only once, but twice in one week. I feel he has only ever used me. Now someone better has come along and he drops me like a hot brick. All this talk about continuing this so called friendship with me, how he continues caring for me and always will, well, it’s just a load of nonsense isn’t it. How on earth could I be friends with someone who has betrayed me like he has? It’s just his guilt speaking and I’m not buying it.

 

So I have emailed him and told him how I feel. Used, betrayed and lied to. He emails me to tell me how he feels like the most selfish piece of s*** in the world, how he is thinking about me, how he doesn’t want our friendship to end, how he’s sorry he ****ed up, blah, blah, blah. The unspoken truth of course is he is seeing her and it will be her on his mind, not me.

 

Well, there’s nothing I can do about it but just accept it all. It’s all over and he’s out of my life now. So I emailed him a last time to say goodbye, to tell him I hope it all works out for him and to wish him the best. I asked him to respect my wish to leave me be now.

 

This was two days ago. Have not heard anything back and probably never will. I mean, this will just suit him fine won’t it? I’m out of the way, so he can do what he likes. I’ve made it easy for him.

 

I just don’t understand why he hasn’t emailed me to tell me he will respect my wish. Why he couldn’t wish me the best like I have wished him the best. I mean, I know I have told him not to bother me again. I know he is probably spending the whole weekend with her and sh****** her . But is it so wrong of me to expect one last email from him to say goodbye to me? I understand all the rest, but this bit I don’t get.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this? I would be very grateful if someone can help me understand.

 

Sorry this has been so long.

 

 

[/sIZE]

[amaysngrace]

I think you told him to leave you be. So now you are expecting him to not leave you be? You said good luck and leave me be.

 

I think he's just doing what you asked him to.

[lonelybird]

You yourself have to have closure and peace with or without his last mail. sometimes you give, give, and you receive betrayal, that is life, that is human.

 

but one thing learned here is that a man constantly concentrate on his own issues, upset about his own problems each day, you can pretty know that he is a self centered man, and he probably will think about himself more than anyone else, which will make a lousy lover.

 

maybe it is a good thing that you don't have him in your life

[Tempest]

I think you told him to leave you be. So now you are expecting him to not leave you be?

 

No, I expected some kind of acknowledgement. In the shape of a goodbye and a wishing me well for the rest of my life. And then to leave me be.

 

But I guess I've been totally unrealistic.

[Tempest]

You yourself have to have closure and peace with or without his last mail. sometimes you give, give, and you receive betrayal, that is life, that is human.

 

but one thing learned here is that a man constantly concentrate on his own issues, upset about his own problems each day, you can pretty know that he is a self centered man, and he probably will think about himself more than anyone else, which will make a lousy lover.

 

maybe it is a good thing that you don't have him in your life

 

Thanks Lonelybird. You are completely right of course. I suppose that's why I've walked away. It still hurts like hell though.

[lonelybird]

Thanks Lonelybird. You are completely right of course. I suppose that's why I've walked away. It still hurts like hell though.

I am sure it hurts like hell. your post made me think that "isn't giving a good thing?" God wants us to give, give, and give. but again, God doesn't bless us so much that the blessing will overwhelm us, some of blessings may even do us bad. such as blessing of money, God won't bless us with many money, UNTIL we learn to how to deal with money wisely. does God love us, yes.

 

same as man. you don't give too much to them UNTILL they learn to appreciate your giving , maybe give a little by little, do we love them, YES

[marlena]

but one thing learned here is that a man constantly concentrate on his own issues, upset about his own problems each day, you can pretty know that he is a self centered man, and he probably will think about himself more than anyone else, which will make a lousy lover.

 

 

Sorry you are going through this. If it's any comfort at all, most everyone goes through this pain, not only once but several times in his/her life. So, know that you are not alone and that people all over the world are experiencing the very same thing that you are. It is all part of being a human being.

 

I quoted LAdybird because I feel she is right about what she is saying and it is something you should consider very seriously.

 

I have had a similar relationship with someone. I walked away despite my wanting to stay simply because I knew that this man was too self- involved and selfish to ever be capable of loving me and caring for me in the way I needed and desired. I also knew he was bad for me. I knew that if I lingered on, he would put through more suffering in the future. Kowing all this, made me stronger and more determined than ever to look after my own interests for once in my life. Staying away even after his attempts at reconciliation made me stronger anf gave me back a sense of power that I so needed to regain my self - esteem.

 

Knowing how to walk away EARLY from a person that is clearly not GOOD for you is wise. If people would do this early on instead of stubbornly denying what is so plain to see, we would have less unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships, less pain and hurt.

 

True and lasting love is about CARING. If a person shows you that he doesn't care about you such as refusing to take an interest in what is happening in your life or the problems you might be facing , then, that is not love, not the kind that can grow and blossom into a thing of beauty.

 

People remain in bad and yes even sick relationships all the time. When they do, my personal belief is that there is something very wrong with that person that needs fixing. This is something we all need to work on.

 

Emailing to say goodbye and expressing soppy wishes is never a good idea. Better to sit down and talk and say those dreaded words It's over in person.

 

Apart from his selfishness, he is explicitly telling you that he is interested in someone else. It's time to bow out with dignity and grace for you own sake.

 

He is not responding either because he is respecting your wish to be left alone or he is thinking, just like I did, that your mail was not necesary. It was void of meaning really, just a cliche move that lots of us make.

 

Three years is more than enough time to know where you want to take a relationship. Obviously, he does not want to be exclusive. If you are looking for a serious and comitted relationship, I'm sorry but I think you are barking up the wrong tree.

 

Even friends CARE about friends.

 

Marlena

[Tempest]

Hi Marlena,

 

thank you for your elaborate reply.

 

Emailing to say goodbye and expressing soppy wishes is never a good idea. Better to sit down and talk and say those dreaded words It's over in person.

 

Apart from his selfishness, he is explicitly telling you that he is interested in someone else. It's time to bow out with dignity and grace for you own sake.

 

He is not responding either because he is respecting your wish to be left alone or he is thinking, just like I did, that your mail was not necesary. It was void of meaning really, just a cliche move that lots of us make.

 

Three years is more than enough time to know where you want to take a relationship. Obviously, he does not want to be exclusive. If you are looking for a serious and comitted relationship, I'm sorry but I think you are barking up the wrong tree.

 

Even friends CARE about friends.

 

Marlena

 

Just to rectify a few things. I emailed him as a response to him emailing me. We are in different countries, we cannot speak in person. He doesn't want to speak over the phone, he hates such direct confrontation.

 

He wrote that he was thinking of me, that he felt bad, that he was still caring for me, that he didn't want to lose me as a friend, you know, the usual nonsense. I don't want to read these meaningless words and hollow phrases time and time again, so that's why I emailed him to say it's over and goodbye. I just thought it would be common decency for him to wish me all the best too.

 

I do not want a relationship with him. I thought he was my best friend. Friends are there for each other when things get tough. I was always there for him. But when it got tough for me, he bowed out. I'm not putting up with that and that's why I cut him out of my life. But it's kind of difficult having to accept that someone who had suffered betrayal himself and was cut up about that for such a long time, also while knowing that I was betrayed by a former boyfriend, betrays me so easily.

[Tempest]

Addition:

 

he tells me he wants to continue his friendship with me, wants to continue seeing me and that his new love-interest is fine with that.

 

Like I said, we live in different countries. While in a relationship, he is not going to phone me every day like he used to. He is not going to take precious time of work to spend it with me while he has a girlfriend. Now that he has a relationship, I've become surplus to requirements.

 

I don't want to be lied to like this.

[marlena]

I do not want a relationship with him. I thought he was my best friend. Friends are there for each other when things get tough. I was always there for him. But when it got tough for me, he bowed out. I'm not putting up with that and that's why I cut him out of my life. But it's kind of difficult having to accept that someone who had suffered betrayal himself and was cut up about that for such a long time, also while knowing that I was betrayed by a former boyfriend, betrays me so easily.

 

 

Your post is full of positive and mature thinking. It shows intelligence, common sense,stength of character and an ability to assess people and situations properly.

 

You have all that you need to succeed in life.

 

About betrayal. Even those who have been on the receiving end of betrayal are capable of betraying. To paraphrase an old expression: people often do unto others what they would not have others do unto them.

 

It's just one of our many human flaws. Few people are willing to put in enough work to correct their flaws.

 

You'll be OK.

 

Marlena

[marlena]

You may dear do not need any advice. You give yourself all the good advice you need. All you need is emotional support right now. That's why we are all here.

[Tempest]

Thanks again for your kind words Marlena.

 

I think he should have dumped me. But he was too much of a coward to do so. So I had to do it for him. Which of course I did.

 

I feel such an idiot.

[marlena]

Why would yo0u feel like an idiot because he is a coward? He should be the one feeling like an idiot!

[Tempest]

Why would yo0u feel like an idiot because he is a coward? He should be the one feeling like an idiot!

 

Yes, he should, but he never will. I've made it easy for him, he's probably feeling on top of the world with his new girlfriend.

[marlena]

The fact that you dumped him first is probably killing him.

 

You don't know what's really happening so stop making up scenarios that are based on pure speculation and nothing more. For all you know, there is no girlfriend and he just made one up. Besides, that's not really the point. What if I read you correctly bothered you more was his selfish attitude and his not being there for you when you needed him.

 

After rereading your post, I am a bit confused as to the nature of your relationship. Was it understood that you were just friends or did you both consider yourselves to be in an exclusive, committed relationship?

 

Perhaps you were both sending mixed up messages to one another. This can lead to confusion and misunderstanding. Were you two clear about where you stood with one another?

 

Just trying to understand.

 

Marlena

[Tempest]

Yes, you read me correctly. His main betrayal was deserting me when I could have done with his support. I suspect that in the weekend when I was having a very tough time, he went to a party because she would be there. His next betrayal was lying to me about it all. When I was angry after that weekend, he still did his utmost best to save the friendship, emailing me and phoning me. It would have been so easy for him to just walk away then because I had told him not to bother anymore. But for some mysterious reason he only told me 3 days later that he had romantic feelings for someone, but didn't want to lose me, the best mate he ever had (his words).

 

Why on earth would he make up a girlfriend? The week before last he was still phoning me several times a day, complaining how unhappy he was with life, even telling me how it was not right we talked so much about him while my problems were far bigger.

 

We never discussed the nature of our relationship. It started as some sort of relationship I guess, but that transgressed into a very close friendship.

We were both very hurt and not really ready for a relationship anyway. He took me to his friends and family, but I don't know if he presented me as a girlfriend or friend. So I suppose it was not clear where we stood with each other. All I can say is that I know we would never be a couple. I'm pretty sure he knew the same. It's not what either of us wanted.

 

I'm not upset because he has a girlfriend. He has complained about being lonely for a long time and not so long ago I suggested he'd go internet dating. I knew that would be the end of us, but I couldn't stand him feeling so lonely. But he said he didn't want that. He had been lonely in his previous relationship anyway. He's the sort of person who always feels the grass is greener elsewhere.

 

I have to grieve over the loss of this friendship. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this on top of all the other trauma that is going on in my life at the moment. What hurts is that he'll be over the moon and won't be spending many thoughts on me. I'm the one who suffers. He'll be enjoying himself.

 

Or better said, I realise he has just used me. He knew where and when to find me when he was suffering, but now I won't be needed anymore. And now that I'm suffering, well, he's absent once again.

 

Hope that makes it clearer.

[marlena]

From what I can glean from your posts you two were mostly friends and not in a romantic relationship.

 

Losing a friend can be very painful, too. I am sure he is also hurting from losing such a caring and supportive friend. Good friends are even harder to find than lovers.

 

I am just speculating here but maybe he was beginning to feel that the friendship was turning into something more that he was not willing to go into.

 

Perhaps in time you two can talk openly and start all over as friends again.

 

I'm sorry about all the other problems you are facing. I hope things get better for you very soon.

 

Marlena

[Tempest]

Thanks for your support. I know things have truly ended now. We will not speak again. I won't bother him ever again and it's pretty clear I won't hear from him anymore.

 

I just didn't understand why he couldn't say goodbye and wish me the best. If he had told me to leave him be, I would have told him I understood and would respect that request, I'd say a proper goodbye and wish him well for the future.

 

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now.

[marlena]

Put this on the back burner for a while. You have other more important problems that need your attention.

 

And never say never.

[Tempest]

Hi again Marlena

 

you gave me some valuable advice and support yesterday, can I just ask you one more question?

 

I realise now that I probably did get a goodbye.

 

In his last email he wrote he was sorry for the pain and hurt caused, he was sorry for having f***** up (whatever that means) and that he does care about me, that this will continue, that he's not going to forget that or turn it off. And that he just wanted to let me know he had been thinking about me the whole day.

 

Do you think that's his way of saying goodbye? English is not my language, so I find it difficult sometimes to gather what is meant?

 

Thanks.

[Tempest]

Anyone else?

 

It's now been 10 days since I told him to leave me be. I've heard nothing, so I accept I'll never hear anything ever again.

 

Gosh, how it hurts.